When Future meets the past

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The light was fading , my lord and I could no be sure but for an instant I saw a vision of a woman here on the ramparts her back to the shore. The skies were alive with evening colours gold, red and pink when suddenly all was grey and she was there I did not know what to think .

She was beautiful my lord the strangest sight I have ever seen. She wore the shortest gown, her hair jet black  and she had eyes of green. Her lips were blood red and she had colours about her eyes. Her cheeks sparkled with a glitter as she looked up to the skies.

Long , long shapely legs she had my lord , they were bare and golden. Her tunic, page like, fell off of her  shoulder I have never seen the like. Of a sudden she brought her gaze to me her eyes glared her nostrils flared as if she had had a fright. I did not know what to do, stand still or take flight.

Rooted to the spot we stood, my lord. Neither of us knowing what to do. At length she stepped down off of the rampart and crossed the space between us I could not move I had no strength. Our eyes met, we were of the same hight , are you real she asked of me, I am I said, flesh and blood but what of thee.

She touched my face and my black hair,my lord. We both laughed a nervous laugh, “why” she said “you are really here! ” I was rooted to the spot marvelling at the fact that we could be sisters our hair, our eyes, even our voices were the same. “Tell me,” I asked this strange woman “what is your name.” Carmel she told me I could not speak I needed to laugh again for as you know that is my given name.

“Where are my friends” she asked, my lord. I said I did not know. She seem agitated by my maids approach and said she needed to go. Please stay awhile I beseeched for I was spell bound and did not want to let her go. Where on earth am I she kept asking and spinning round and round. “Carmel” I said and steadied her gently with my hand “I need to asked you one thing more “, she stopped and smiled and looked at me whispered, anything.

I had to ask her, my lord because I just had to know. If she was married lady what was her maiden name , she told me she was single, what that is I do not know but the strangest thing is her name was just as ours.  Her name was Carmel Athloe. All of a sudden she asked me the year. 1511 I told her she asked me twice again she just saying “No way ” again and again.

I saw it , my lord, just before she left. Around her neck  in gold and emerald  necklace. I put my hand up to my neck my a necklace the like of such I would love to wear.We both uttered the same question as  we looked so alike and then of course we both shared our  name. She called that “a double strike.” I understood her not yet again.

Just as you came into view, my lord she was telling me she was from 2011 the good God knows what that is. Do you think sir she could of come from heaven. Then all at once she heard her friends call, you know I heard them too. In one swift move she was back upon the wall she waved to me and said I would be with child soon she also said my lord you would be over the moon??

She seemed to know, my lord, what I have not yet told even you. I am with child my lord I am I am it’s true. I am sure I knew her we both had the same name she knew about my our child my lord.

What news what news my lady dear I think you need to rest , I think your meeting a secret we shall keep, I think it for the best. How wonderful our child now you carry. Come with me  I have a gift for you I hope you will always wear. A golden chain with emerald ……….

the necklace

The Hairdresser

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At the hairdressers’, shampoo rinsing in the sink behind you, water drip drip drip. Towel drying your tresses then combing out  the knots slick slick slick  time now for the magic scissor blades eating at your hair clip clip clip.

Talk of last nights conquests, who was with who and did what dig dig dig dig. Would you like a coffee, tea or water, coffee black  no sugar, please sip sip sip . Get the feathering done now, scissor blades flash hair falls snip snip snip snip  Oh! that’s my favourite song, oh yeah! it is just so good to dance to click click  click.

Are you holidaying this year?on safari my, me? not this year I can’t afford the trip trip trip. The junior brings the  coffee in her pretty flip flops painted toes go flip flip flip. Spraying lacquer, styling mousse , firming  gel and hot brush, hair goes flick flick flick.

Last touches now,a tease here, a lift there.Wow that looks good don’t ya think ! slick slick slick  Time to pay into your purse you unzip zip zip ,zip and a tip yes, another dip dip dip !

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cutting your souls

Men and women come in for styles outrageous as they dare dare dare.  Couples too come  for his and hers styles and I do the pair pair pair. They are always pleased and say my rates are fair fair fair.

They come to me once a month so I can cut their hair hair hair. I  make them beautiful so their friends will stare stare stare stare.   They say my styles are beautiful, amazing yes I have a flair flair flair.

They have no idea I am collecting their souls, they don’t care care care.They get the unique styles they want, I get souls which I will not share share share share. As I sweep up the cuttings from the floor, well they are spare spare spare.

I am never late, my job is my life and I live up the stairs stair stair  stair. This is my life cutting their souls for me it is like breathing  air air air air ………………………..

Where is she.

canyou see the answer

Can you the answer see, can you please where is the person who used to be me. I have tried to find her and searched high and low, in and out but she is hidden somewhere I cannot see her though. She was bright and she was funny always had a song to sing a job to finish and a question to answer her smile bright and sunny.

No it is just no good she is gone ,disappeared like the last notes of her song. All here dresses fluffy and light gone in a poof , like those beautiful purple shoes she wore to dance all night.

No it seems she is no longer here, her bright broad smile has been replaced with a tear. I have looked for her , I have, I’ve really tried. I have looked in the mirror to see if she is there, beaming with pride…. she wasn’t, what I did see looked like someone who’s best friend had just died.

I just wish I knew where she had gone the fancy dresser , the happy woman you’d depend upon. I really feel lonely and lost you see so can you help me, help me please?

 

Remember the living too.

I know I have already written a poem on this subject this month. So much has been said and written on this 10th Anniversary that I feel I need to say some more. I hope you will indulge me.

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They could of not of known when they woke up how they their day would pan out. They had no idea that their life would never be the same .Their world simple, no longer safe and with no doubt.

They all boarded the plane, the train, the bus the car some even walked. They all followed the pattern of life they could not know what was to be. They greeted the news vender, bought coffee met friends, talked.

Arriving at the airport, the fire station, the precinct building,the hospital or paramedic  station,  the office whatever or they waived them off before taking the kids to school, all for the last time ever.

They knew they were different they had planned this for months, they knew exactly what they wanted to do. They wanted to kill they were not like the others that morning. They were not like me or you.

2,752 souls

It all started out so ordinarily boring even nothing different or new God knows what was in their minds as in to the targets their captors  flew. The people at work taken unaware those in the street stood mesmerized as they watch the ball of flame from which the black smoke rose.

The fire crews , police and paramedics were scramble and into action flew when the news came that there was another plane flying into the other tower, yes two!

Helicopters police and news crews where there trying to rescue a few but even if they could of reached the roof with all that smoke what could they do.

The day had been unremarkable when the air controllers watching over Washington’s  skies saw a plane on course for the Pentagon OH! God it happened in front of them death en route  before their very eyes.

184 souls

The people on the plane suffered the same as their fellow passengers in New York  not all of the souls on the ground perished thankfully some lived and walked. The dark and heat and the choking acrid smell must of been so terrifically shocking in fact it must of been like hell.

Who knows where the passengers on the fourth plane found the fortitude and the strength,with the crew they decided to fight back. They tried their very hardest to avert this evil hijack . They phoned friends and loved ones and told them all to be brave, then they all gave their lives for they wanted another city from an air crash to be saved

Both heros and hijackers all dead

They couldn’t of known what was before them when they all set forth on that morn . No one in the world would ever of thouht how a nations heart would be ripped and torn. We grieve for those on the aeroplanes we grieve for those on the ground we grieve for the keepsakes that were lost not all of them found.

Remember those souls today, carry your stories in your heart think of the innocents airborne and grounded their lives all blow apart .

Don’t forget as you think of them today the many, many heroes and heroines who found strength to help on that day. The police, firemen, paramedics who picked up illnesses  from the smoke debris and detritus that engulfed them , they could not get out of the way. The doctors and the nurses who worked like the others till they dropped on their feet and don’t forget the ordinary good souls who help they were minutes before passers by on the street.

So God Bless the Dead and their families we will never forget them, but spare a thought for your cities’ heroes and heroines some of them ill and suffering yet . God Bless the services of  Stonycreek  Township and Shanksville Pennsylvania  and Washington and New York. They all worked so hard and selflessly and that is what makes it so unfair, they, whilst working in the dust, metal spray and smoke clouds their lungs were damaged by the air.

So God Bless the living  make their suffering less, we will always remember you as you did your very best. And so to all the families I can not equate your loss , the secretaries and colleagues drinking buddies or the boss, it is the same for all of you let our thoughts and prayers help you carry on.

The stalker ? or the unloved

I held out my hand to you the other day, you bit it off and threw it away. I tried to phone you, I had things I needed to know . I begged for answers you just said NO!

I laid my heart bare the cut sharp and clean  you walk right by me, right through my blood as if you had not seen.

On the bed myself I laid  bare you did not show, you just didn’t care. I wore white make up and blacked my hair. As I walked in you just gave me that withering stare.

I walked a mile in bare feet and sat for hours on your street I begged and begged but you would not meet. I sent you messages of un-dying love, dropped red rose petals on you from above.

I lost weight I starved myself I change my image a thousand times , committed several minor crimes. What ever I did you did not want me, you said you would never be mine.

Please notice me

I did my best even proposed on bended knee, you just walk out of the restaurant and made a fool of me. I just don’t know what to do I just need a little nod from you.

Finally I took the hint. I cut my throat and bled to death in your car. At last I thought, I will get your attention. All you said  was stupid bitch this time she has gone too far. You walked away and ordered a valet on your car.

It’s nothing less than abuse

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Rounded shoulders head hung down why do they all make fun of me I am not a clown. Sitting in the row spiteful girls stick their pens in my legs teacher at the front she must never know, she wouldn’t help she treats me like dregs.

Following me nearly home calling me mean names , in the playground I always stand alone they don’t pick me for their games. Opening my desk finding it’s been trashed , my text book been drawn in and my favourite doll has been  smashed.

Mum tried her hardest but being the youngest of six my things did not get replaced they just got fixed. My plimsolls were the wrong colour they were black instead of white , I was hauled up on the stage, lectured in front of the school then had to stay on late that night. I just could not make it I could not win with staff and girls against me all I could do was just give in.

I met my boyfriend, and his friends did not like me because I spoke differently, I was from the posh school  they though I was rich and had it made so little did they know. When we  were out or at a party they were pleasant to my face but if my guy was not there and behind my back the things they said were just a disgrace. They joined the line of teachers and my piers it makes me wonder now how I stood it for all those years.

I am not saying I no friends, no that would not be true. I did have friends and they were good   but they were the very few. I always felt so ugly, too fat and too short and if anyone was nice to me I could not believe it what do they want was my first thought.

Things got better when I started work I seemed to come out of my shell like a little butterfly I changed and put aside my days of living hell. They tell you don’t  they, school days are the best days of your life , thank God I never listened or I would of ended mine with a knife.

Thank God I grew away from all the pain  but sometimes I see a face  hear a voice or a name and it all floods back again. I am older now and have all that I could ask for, family and friends but sometimes my calm deserts me and confidence takes flight,  fear and dark descends and I feel lost in the night. I ask the question now why children’s jibes and actions  can be so mean and cruel. The worse days of my life were my years at school. I cry each time I read or hear on the news how children can hurt each other IT NOTHING LESS THAN ABUSE.

Did they grieve do they forgive

Did they know me, those tiny souls, did they grieve as they left, for me and their lives un -lived. I grieved for them though in those days to grieve for that loss was not done . Yet grieve I did for those souls lost that I had been gifted.

Had I done something wrong , was it something I moved or something I had lifted. I suppose I shall never know. It seemed so unkind that the first one was lost while I was out. In pub toilet, I was frightened and alone my husband and friends on the other side of the wall celebrating.  Was that soul as scared as me. God forgive me the inside of a toilet the first sight to see. I was mortified so guilty it was not even a shape so I flushed it away in fear. I bit on my lip to off set the pain I wanted to stop this but that was in vain. So I cleaned up the blood and painted my lips then tided my mascara smudges with my finger tips.

Hidden grief

The rest of the evening I sat and cried inside , “your quiet tonight is anything wrong ” I was asked  but of course I denied. I was gutted and hurt and slightly in pain  but so so empty inside. When we got home I shared my grief I was met with disbelief. Not of the facts but that I had  not said, well best not make  a fuss lets get you to bed.

It was not my fault the doctor said “natures way of clearing away anything that was not perfect. A practice run”. He was so bright and brisk ,off hand I was taken aback. Was nature so cruel so matter of fact. I had done nothing wrong he said, I needed more reassurance to assuage my guilt but he only suggest two days off work and a rest in bed.

Did that soul grieve did it  forgive me , I grieved for it for its soul and the life it did not see.

After the Christening of our first born , three  years later, I was exhausted and so hot, mind you it had been a lot of work and I had put in my all not being one to shirk. Things got worse and I knew at once what was happening to me. I did my best to get away from the visitors , the centre of attention was not what I wanted to be. We called the doctor when everyone had gone  he suggest I rest, with a young babe, come on!

I had lost one he told me  but the other was still there. I felt sorrow, grief  and guilt. For this to happen again it just did not seem fair. Try as I might I had only my self to blame I grieved  for a soul that my body had denied  life again. I thought I could  feel no worse but there was more to come, for a few days later I lost the other one .

A quick D and C will see you all right  you will be in hospital and out not even overnight. Yes that was true  and my body mended fast but the guilt for these souls was something that lasts.

Time is a great healer and I know that is true for life has given me plenty to do. I have three children and they are all boys they have given me hassle and they given me joys. I have had my hands full but they have all grown and flown, well. I remember my mother whispering to me “be glad with what you have and don’t fill your home with boys looking for a girl.” I knew she was right but back then it gave me no joy I felt a big hole created  by the tiny lost souls.

I have never discussed this in any depth till today, as when it all happened things like grief had all to be tucked away. I feel grief and guilt still, for the babies, there that  is the first time I have said that. But one question still remains with me till this day.

Did they know me, those tiny souls, did they grieve as they left, for me and their lives un-lived. I grieved for them though in those days, to grieve for that loss was not done . Yet grieve I did for those souls lost that I had been gifted, had I done something wrong.

My Mother said to me

They brake your back when they are small and when they grow they break your heart. This is some learned knowledge my mother did impart. I did not understand, I was too young to see just how wise  she was when she said that to me.

This tiny baby lying here, safe inside it’s cot will grow and turn your black hair grey , I am  joking I hear you say. I certainly am not. You wait, until they catch a cold or even worse an ear infection they will scream in your ear and make you walk the floor , they will without exception.

God forbid it can get even worse you end up in the hospital with drips and lines and stress, comfort offered from a friendly nurse.The joy and relief when you can take them home is truly overwhelming but so is the fear for their health and the sense they must not be left alone.

life within your grasp

The tiny toes and fingers the spark of love in their eye will breed in you the deepest purest  form of love, for them you will lay down and die.

The sleepless nights begin to fade and the bottle secedes the breast and soon they are eating solids you make it all yourself, they deserve the very best.

Don’t close your eyes don’t look away don’t you even wink for they will grow so fast and change so quick that you will miss it in a blink. Savour every blessed second none of it will you ever be able to repeat. Though when they are sad or in pain you will wish you could hit delete.

Very soon they learn to walk with bumps along the way they waddle and they toddle and make you smile more each day. You will need to be quick and have eyes in the back of your head they will run you ragged  and you will sleep well in your bed!

The next step is their first word and that is often daddy , mind you if you’ve done all the work that can make you maddie !¬ Seriously though it is only because it is easier to say Da, Da than it is to say Mummy!

You wake up one day and they have started school the first time you drop them off they run off smiling and you are left crying all the way home like a fool! Very soon you become a taxi, you run them here you you drop them there , they are always growing , always hungry you never have a second to spare.

School can be a hard and cruel place and you will need all your wits  about you, as children can do and say the meanest things so you must encourage and help to. You just begin to think the worst is past when teenage years beset you. You cannot do right for doing wrong the way they act you could believe that they actually hate you.

Why are there so many things just waiting to hurt them , drink and drugs  the pain of love, look out for religious cults .The fear of their first driving lessen , the relief of them passing their exams. Then they are off to college bless them.

I could go on the pain is still strong when any of mine are ill , or if life or work or girls or wives hurt them. I want to stride up and fix their problems but I have to stand back and let them fix things.

So now I see what my mother meant when she gave me her knowledge it was not about getting the best of schools or buying the right brand of porridge. The love we have for or children is deeper than the sea. We can make things good when they are young but when they are grown we have to set them free.

I you love them set them free

Like a rocketship on it’s way to Mars

Don’t stop me now

I rang her each day for over a year, I begged to come see her but she would not let me near. We laughed with each other often but more often we cried. I wanted to be with with her but her fears this to me denied.I begged her to fight it she told me she was tired I nagged and bullied she said I was fired! Things never got better she lipped from my grasp I tried hard to see her but she still refused so I did as she asked.Then finally the day came and I got the call and at last I got to visit , not that she knew at all. I talked of blue skies and beaches and clouds I did not whisper I told her out loud. She was struggling for breath then I caught her eye in a moment of clarity I told her loved her she flashed at me   “no pity!”

Her hands were dirty her nails were lined black her pain and the squalor are the memories that keep coming back. I spent four days in her company I could not believe what I had to see.  I hated  her suffering as she breathed her last,  sadly these horrid memories stuck in my mind are the ones which will last..

It was a foggy freezing December day when we all met at the Crematorium our goodbyes to say. To a larger than life, loud colourful girl who with a flash of her eyes could set our working day in a whirl. She had to have the last word and as I sat there sobbing “Get a grip you silly cow” were the words that I heard. Then for her final bow she went out to Queen’s Don’t Stop Me Now.

Karen 1958 –  2010

The conman

Alone

Give me your hand he said , smiling at me. He told me I was the world to him and my eyes were all he needed to see. His gentle caresses I accepted and returned freely, willingly,  joyfully alive at last, not being spurned.

Come with me, he pleaded  and gave me that smile , how could I refuse him I wandered as we travelled all those miles. He needed some money , he was reluctant to say. I had worked hard and had spare so what the hey. The things he would do in the dark of the night would loosen my purse strings and make my sense take flight.

He needed a suit and a new car, you need to look the part these days if your going to go far. I gladly offered, no, he never asked, but he avoided me when he was worried and I could not bare that to last. Our place small and cosy was not quite right so I took another job and we rented a new place shiny and bright.

My friends he discourage, well they were not quite the right type. He asked me not to ring them and sometime soon after he disabled the Skype. He disliked my family they were selfish and rude I did not argue it would of put him in a mood.

It seemed I was working  long and hard to make lots of money for his credit card. I had to leave early and eat dinner alone he hardly was there and never answered his phone. Each time I reached for him he turned his back I longed for his smile and cried for the caresses I now lacked.

The look in his eyes when I saw him that day with his scantily dressed, teen aged P.A  though I tried to look away I could not help see, one hand on her breast and the other above her knee. The scorn in his look was more than I could take as it all fell into place and I realised he was a fake.

When I got home I slowly took stock  and I saw all the signs my stupid love of this man had blocked. I took my bag and I started to pack  tears of grief  flowed  from my eyes as I saw all his faults and all of his lies.All those nights he was whispering sexy delights  it was my bank balance and not my body he had in his sights.

He had stripped my bank account and all of my pride, now I felt naked and dirty with nowhere to hide. He’d seen off my friends and my family too the bastard had used me so well, I was at a lost as what to do.  I finished my packing  and and stopped my tears, that he would see this wrecked was my greatest fear.

I fixed up my make up and dressed to impress that thieving two timing bastard was in for some distress! I put all my worldly goods in my car and tried to ignore the pain in my heart of a newly formed scar. I drove slowly and precisely then parked up the car then as serenely as I could I entered the bar.

OH! hello darling I sexily said as I emptied a bottle of red wine over his head.As his tart jump up out of her chair I smiled as sprayed some ink in her  peroxide blond  hair. Your welcome I told her but you mark my word he is a con man and a control freak and he’ll lie when he give you a #### so you are welcome my dear and I wish you good luck.

God help me I was shaking from my head to my toe and as I reached the car I was screaming inside because I loved him so. But things needed doing and I could not waste time so I made a few phone calls and move a few things to make sure he never again could touch what was mine.

With an ache in my heart and hate in my gut I drove myself away from him and his slut. I am older and wiser but very sad for the loss of the love that I never had had.