Thursday photo prompt: Dream #writephoto

This week’s prompt ~ Dream

For visually challenged writers, the image shows a pale pathway meandering through a field of purple heather towards the green of distant hills.

Sleep would not come, just waves of fear and pain. There was no silence either. Voices discussing, the news, gardens, family, Covid… I can’t blame them this was their day. Their shift, they would go home and sleep.

The scariest thing was the voice that echoed through the ward of the disturbed patient who repeated and repeated “It’s the Covid cough, the Covid, Covid, cough gonna get you” If he was not sleeping that’s all I could hear. It was better during the day because he’d call out for “Tea tea” and the nurses would bring him one and then he would shout “Happy Birthday” and we’d all smile.

At night it felt like he was closer, he was not, he was on the male side of the ward but sound carries at night. I was frightened, unreasonably so by this prophet of doom. I was lonely and in pain.

Then the pain spiked I had to give in and use my buzzer, the nurse came I told her I couldn’t take the pain. She gave me some intravenous painkillers as an extra to the antibiotics and fluid IVs. She stayed a while and then thankfully I drifted off to a better place.

There lies the path

Through seas of purple heather

Morpheus lifted

Me off to the land of dreams

Fear and pain was then banished.

This is part of Sue Vincent’s Thursday Photo Challenge, #writephoto

Colleen’s 2020 Weekly #Tanka Tuesday #Poetry Challenge No. 184, #SpecificForm

WELCOME TO TANKA TUESDAY!

Colleen’s Weekly Tanka Challenge.

It’s the fifth Tuesday of the month! This is our chance to work with a specific syllabic poetry form. Take this opportunity to learn more about the particular form.

This week’s form is:

Haibun

As an added bit to the challenge… please use Frank J. Tassone’s photo as the inspiration for your Haibun. Frank says this spot is called Getrude’s Nose, a Rocky promenade located in Minnewaska Preserve State Park, in the Shawangunk Mountains outside New Paltz, New York (about a 2 hour drive out of NYC). Please include the copyright to the photo in your post.

I decided to take on Colleen’s challenge and write about part of my recent time in hospital.

The Table.

© 2020 Frank J. Tassone

I lie on my side, voices above my head are panicked. Another voice arrives, a quick discussion ensues. Angiogram is mentioned, I am moved. It’s all panic and pain. My head searches for escape, trees, rock, warmth and peace. The voices decide what they are doing. A voice barks orders at me, the pain increases…..

Help me fly, Gaia.

Bare me away on wings of

Your healing powers

Unrequieted Love

Image from here

Jump  she said , How  high

Was his gentle  reply.

He  would  do  anything for her

Yet  she  scorned  him and  treated  him like  a cur.

Presents he lavished on her  daily

She  accepted  them then  dismissed him gayly

She  was always on  her way  out

Never  a thank  you, she’d  just  floor him  with a pout.

One  day he could  take  no  more

So  he  pushed  a  note  through  her  front door.

I can’t go  on trying  to  get  your favour

I am wasting  my  time, it shows in your  behaviour .

On her own

Then  he was gone  and  she  was on her own

She  was shocked  to the core, cut right to the bone.

She  really  had  not  realized  how  much  he’d  done  for her

No  she  did  not  realize  she loved  him  til he  was no longer  there!

Never ignore a scratch, the dangers of Sepsis. Part 2.

The night of 24th/25th July.

The nurse set up my first drip and hoisted my arm up and got me into bed. I was in a very strange position but I could put up with that. She said she was sorry that I could only have two pillows as she had another patient coming in later and she didn’t have enough to go round. It was already 11pm and I wondered what time the next patient was coming in.

I was offered painkillers but as much as my hand and arm hurt I refused the prescription painkillers but I accepted paracetamol. I had to explain that I had been addicted to Tramadol and Gabapentin ( I have broken my back twice and had been addicted to painkillers…another story) so paracetamol it was….it didn’t help but there was no way would I take anything stronger.

I couldn’t sleep, there was so much going on, people taking my temperature, blood pressure at different times, changing my drip. The the other patient arrived that was all a flurry.

I couldn’t sleep for the pain and I couldn’t use my phone as the battery was low and I had brought nothing with me , not even a charger.

Me in a fetching hospital gown, lol, don’t I look a mess

I did eventually fall asleep but then the dreams started. One in particular, I was outside talking to a Dr when I fell back and everything went black, felt a strange floating sensation as I drifted into the sun, I remember thinking don’t let me die please. I woke up to find a nurse standing by me. I didn’t tell her about my dream but I decided not to go back to sleep as the dream was so scary. A long painful night.

Thursday 25th July.

As always with hospitals they come round early with tablets, then breakfast, I ran the gauntlet of the tablets again, but after explaining again I got away with just paracetamol 😁.

More blood pressure temperature and drips it all busy. I had a headache still but I felt that the drip was working. A trainee Nurse and the ward sister arrived and ask if I would mind the young nurse taking my blood. I agree but almost immediately regret it. I concosole myself that she has to learn somewhere. I end up with a spectacular 6 inch bruise because she nicked a vein .

The doctors come round and checked me out they were pleased with the results of the blood test, the infection has halved, not gone but moving in the right direction.

The doctor’s decided that I can go home with a massive dose of antibiotics and a sling to keep my arm elevated. But before I can go home I have to have two more I. V. Drips. The day passes I do not feel at all well but I am relieved to he going home later.

At 3pm my youngest son arrives to visit me just as the sister is giving me my antibiotics, 3x150gms of Clindamycin 4x a day. I am feeling so tired I just want to get home. So my lad takes me home.

It was hard getting in the car with the huge sling on but I just wanted to get home.

I was so glad to get home, to rest. I was so grateful to have all my fingers, toes and limbs. I rested and finally after about four sleepless nights I got some sleep.

Friday 26th July.

I slept in and got up late and rested with my arm propped up and took my tablets. Our middle son came to visit and cheer me up.

I also was sent lovely flowers from my sister in law and youngest son and our eldest son rang up to check on me too.

I couldn’t sleep very well as the finger was still very painful.

I spent the whole night awake in pain worrying that things were not improving.

Saturday 27 July

Much the same as Friday.

Sunday 28th July

No sleep and the same as the day before. We had mother in law round so I put on a brave face.

Monday 29th July

Much the same again, I finish the antibiotics, I decided to be brave and went with hubby to walk our lovely dog Ruby, my huge sling raised a lot of eyebrows and questions. We had a laugh and a joke with the other dog walkers and it did give me a lift. But I was still in pain. The finger was going down now which was a good sign.

Still had trouble resting or sleeping.

Tuesday no change again but kept myself busy doing what could but getting tired very easily. Still painful.

Wednesday day 30th July

Saw another doctor who said there was still infection in the finger so she gave me another course of the same antibiotics.

Thursday 1st August

The skin on my finger stared to die and peel off. It was leaving the finger red raw and stinging.

Then some of the yellow poison and dead skin fell off.

Not nice but I am just showing you what happened.

Friday 2nd August

Hubby took Ruby and me out to cheer me up which it did. I was still in the sling but my finger was so sore we decided to get some light tubular bandages to protect the finger. It would be lighter than the sling, less hot and sticky and would keep all the dead skin in one place.

This was a brilliant move the lightweight bandages are a real boon.

From 3rd August to 10th (today)

There has not been much change but the skin is flaking off of the whole finger now and it is still sore and throbs occasionally. There is still a deep red patch where the original wound was but I am keeping it clean, dry and covered plus letting the air get to it when I can.

I am keeping a close eye on it and if there is no improvement next week I shall be going to see the Dr again.

I do know that these two posts have not been fun to write or no doubt to read but I think it is very important to let you all know how dangerous it can be to get even a tiny scratch on your finger. Please all of you be vigilant 💜

This is part 2 of Never ignore a scratch, the dangers of Sepsis. You can find Part 1 here.

Never ignore a scratch, the dangers of Sepsis. Part 1

16th of July

Just a normal day, I was busy doing housework and enjoying the warm weather. Midmorning I was sorting the washing, off the line, on to the clothes horse, off the clothes horse into the airing cupboard, out of airing cupboard put away or iron.

Nothing dangerous there. Yet there was, as I hung an item of laundry over the wooden slatted shelves in my airing cupboard I caught the middle knuckle of the middle finger on my left hand.

Shit bags, that hurt, I washed it cleaned it put a plaster on because it bled and I was doing white laundry.

Thereafter I changed plasters. and kept it clean.

This is a photo taken the next day, the scratch is so small if you did not know it was there you just would not see it. In fact it is just luck that the photo has my hands in it because I was unaware of what was brewing.

It was just a normal week, Pilates , coffee with a friend , a trip to Reading nothing special, nothing out of the normal but inside me things were not normal at all.

Saturday 20th July.

I was in the kitchen cleaning up when my finger brushed against the a kitchen cupboard, it was really sore, it made me jump. I looked at it nothing out of the ordinary, just a tiny scratch with a tiny flap of skin, nothing to write home about. So I cleaned it again and put a plaster on it.

In the afternoon we took Ruby for a walk and met my friend Natalie and her family, I have mentioned Natalie before she is blind and has a guide dog. The puppy walkers who had looked after her guide dog Quala while she was in training were visiting her and we all had a chat and again I noticed my finger was sore while shaking hands.

Sunday 21st July

I noticed more that my finger was sore but as with most Sundays we have mother in law round for dinner so, just got on with things. The finger was now sore but still looked okay normal.

Monday 22nd July

I had a Drs appointment about something totally unrelated and as the finger had played me up in the night I decided to ask her about my finger too. I did and she had a look at and said “yes it does look a little swollen, just keep an eye on it and come back if you are worried” Well as we all know it is almost impossible to get an appointment with a Dr, but hey ho!

We took Ruby for a lovely wood land walk that afternoon.

I noticed that my finger was really playing up and since the morning it was beginning to look very angry. I mentioned it to hubby who was as concerned as I was. I couldn’t sleep that night my finger hurt so much.

Tuesday 23rd July

In the morning we were up early and drove to a near by walk in centre we were there by 7.45am it opens at 8am. We waited, at 7.58am a lady announced that she was sorry but she could not allow the walk in centre to open as only one of the four nurses for that shift had turn up and she had no doctors!?

Hubby and I both dialed our surgery while heading for our car, hubby got through at 8.14am he handed me the phone, when I got through I asked to see a doctor, all appointments were gone, why did I need to see a doctor the receptionist asked. I explained, I had a red and swollen finger and a new symptom my hand was going red. …she thought and then said she had one last sit and wait appointment that afternoon. I took it. As the day went on it just got worse and worse.

Okay I was getting a headache now and I was tired because I hadn’t slept properly since Saturday.

I saw the Dr, who took my blood pressure and temperature , fiddled with my finger and gave me a prescription for antibiotics and told me to keep an eye on it. I pointed out the spreading redness he said keep an eye on it and come back if it got worse. While I waited for my prescription I wandered how to manage getting an appointment the next day if I needed it and hoped the antibiotics would work.

Wednesday 24th July

No sleep, at breakfast we could clearly see a red line creeping up my arm.

See how small the scratch is, as it began to go yellow.

Hubby walked Ruby early as he had to take his mother to the hospital for a check up for her pacemaker so we decided we’d make a decision on his return.

I was by now not feeling too good so I spent the morning sitting in the sofa with feet and arm up. My friend came round and she was concerned and she suggested we mark my arm with a pen to see if it spread any further.

Hubby got home after 2pm after a short discussion we rang 111 who after listening to my symptoms told us we needed to see a doctor within two hours.

We decided that after the experience of the previous morning there was no point going to the walk in centre, we decided to ring our GP. Surgery and tell them what the nurse on 111 had said. Luckily they said we could come straight down , which we did .

The doctor called us in and at first seemed unimpressed but when he looked at my finger and the red line shooting up my arm his attitude changed.

He again took my temperature and blood pressure , the blood pressure was high. He then rang the hospital while we sat and listened, he told them what was happening and they said to come straight in and they would be waiting. Then as we left the Dr said , don’t eat or drink anything, they may be operating. This scared us both.

So we drove the 12miles to the hospital …. It was scary.

We arrived at A & E and told them we were expected, after a wait I was called in to triage. The asked a few questions took blood and put in a cannula into my arm, and put a hospital I.D. bracelet and rang the orthopedic team , who said they were on their way. Then it was back to the waiting room .

That above is the good arm!

After what seemed like an age, but was not really, three doctors arrived, and I thought I wonder if that is the team for me. It was and they called me through.

They checked me out and we really nice and calming and up beat. I did not like all the talk of operations. I was sent for x-rays which were painful because the radiographer had to manipulate my hand which made me want to cry…. But I didn’t.

After the xray the team of three were back and told me that they were admitting me as I needed 24hrs of I.V. antibiotics and they were going to make a sling for me as I was going to have my arm elevated for the next 24 hours as well.

Then they made sure where the pain was, eventually they decided they need not operate immediately . They explained that sepsis not only gets into the blood it gets into muscle and bones as well. So they decided antibiotics and elevation first.

So while I am waiting for a bed they doctors fitted me with huge sling ….and then we wait for hed. My finger and hand hurt!

It was getting late and I was very tired, there was a very strange woman sitting next to us rambling on. Then four police arrived with a very drunk and very abusive prisoner who was causing all sorts of aggrevation.

At length a nurse came along and said that there was a bed on orothpedics and they were waiting for me to start my drip. I was taken by wheel chair up to the ward, hubby came too. We were greeted by two lovely nurses who helped me get settled in.

I told hubby I would be fine and sent him home. The nurse fixed up my drip and hoist my arm up on the same pole as my IV.

Hubby had to get home because our Ruby was being looked after by our neighbours and hubby had not eaten since the morning.

For that fact neither had I . The nurse brought brought me some coffee and toast. So began a very , very long and strange night. .

More to come, tomorrow.

Vicious little Worm.

There is a viscous little worm inside his head.

Nipping at his consciousness every waking moment.

He’s more bad tempered that a lion that’s not fed.

On self destruction he is bent.

He is sick of being used

Always wants to help, that’s great.

But just ends up feeling abused

When what he does, no one seems to appreciate.

She gets it in the ear

When he is asked to help

The outcome is something for her to fear

She is sick of the cards she has been dealt.

So what can be done

To rectify the situation

In her life there’s just no fun

It’s a case of gloom saturation.

In the end he pushes everyone away

He needs to feel his worth

That’s really her reason to stay

Of selfconfidence he has a dearth.

I just Needed to share.

I try not to mention how I am feeling too often because … well I suppose that is how I was brought up. If asked how you are , you lie through your teeth. Even if you are on your last legs you smile and say “I am fine thank you.”

Yes I did include you all in the last stages of my withdrawal from neuropathic and morphine based painkillers ( the prescription ones that most doctors hand out like sweets to keep you quiet) I am now prescription painkillers free and for that matter over the counter pills free too.

I was an addict and withdrawal is very hard and painful but it can be achieved. There is a problem though and I do try to keep it to myself but here I am spilling it all out on to the page for you all to see. Not very stiff upper-lip you might say.

PAIN,that is the problem. Constant nagging and stubborn pain. It hounds me all day, it pokes me to remind me it there all night while I sleep and it notches up a level when I least need or expect it.

Those of you you who suffer with constant pain will know what I am talking about people like Claire Saul and her Blog PainPals she will know what I am talking about and her blog is most interesting do visit her. Also is Caz’s blog at Invisibly Me well worth a visit too.

Life is a trade off isn’t it I could live a half life like a Zombie drugged up to the eye balls lulled in to a false sense that the pain is numbed. ( It isn’t really eventually they do not work at all and you realise you are taking them just because you NEED them to feel normal) Or I can have my brain working to full capacity and find ways to cope with the constant pain.

I made the choice I gave up the pills and I cannot really ever take any of them again because I am an addict. I am afraid to even take over the counter painkillers encase I wind up hooked on them. Most days I cope but on days like today , I feel like shit. I am exhausted, in pain , shorted tempered, freezing and tearful. I am finding so hard to even write this blog but I will …I hope that someone out there might just need to know they are not alone.

Where am I going with this, I don’t really know but I just needed to get my feelings out there. I have been trying to get my poems into some sort of order because I would dearly love to get a book published this year, I even have a working title ‘ A Blogsworth of Poems ‘ I am plodding away at that but I have so little time as because the stupid pain slows me down everything takes so much longer.

Enough now no more moaning lets look at some positives. I had a great weekend, Saturday we visited a local brewery with friends and we could take Ruby too as it has a dog friendly bar called the Taproom. No we didn’t do a tour we had a fabulous BBQ lunch and tried out their interesting original beers. I also found a beautiful bluebell wood to take Ruby for a walk in. Sunday we were out with our youngest son and his two boys the eldest of who was 5 years old last Wednesday.

We had a pub lunch and we took M’s birthday presents and the Easter eggs for both boys along with us. It was delightful to have our eldest grandson announce That his birthday present was “Just what I wanted ” The joy of see the grandchildren really helped with the pain… maybe the fact that we had so much fun at the weekend is one of the reason I feel so tired ( you might say) … but the pain and tiredness are constant

I do lots of walking daily ( the advantage of having a dog! ) and Pilates twice a week and I am so much better than I was this time last year and a thousand times better than I was three years ago.

IMG-20190415-WA0007.jpg

I am fine , hopefully tomorrow I shall be even better I have a lot to look forward  to. Next week is  Easter. The week after  I am going on a course  ( The Lord of  the Deep ) with the  Silent  Eye which I really looking  forward  too. I am also hoping  we  will see  more  of  the grandchildren. Then  June  brings  The  Bloggers Bash!

IMG-20190325-WA0001.jpg

Life is  what  we make it  and  nothing  can last  forever… I hope ❤

Now  lets  have a happy  song . Love  you  all

 

Trapped Soul

composing-2391033_1280.jpg

For years it fought against it’s tether

Yet the harder it fought the more it would wither.

It  caused itself so much pain,

Yearning for a freedom it never could gain.

Finally exhausted it decided one day

To no longer try to break away.

It decided that it should be what it should be.

So the soul stopped fighting, relaxed. Immediately it was set free.

mist-at-sunrise.jpg

Top picture from Pixabay, the second is mine .

Cry for Help.

Cry For Help.

Help she screamed I cannot cope

No one turned no one spoke

Help he pleaded I am depressed

No one listened or her pain redressed

Help she begged I can’t go on

No one heard above their lala song

Help someone it hurts me so

No one bothered, as she swam against the flow

Help she whispers as ended her life

No one reached out to save her from strife

She said no more, she had died

No one noticed no one cried.

Shut out.

Shut out

Lost am l

In this dark tunnel

Without hope

Bleak heart full

Of much regret and sadness

No hope left for me.

🖤🖤🖤

Joy denied

Shut out in the cold

No entry

Just exiled

There’s no chance of redemption

My soul is not free.

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