Shut out.

Shut out

Lost am l

In this dark tunnel

Without hope

Bleak heart full

Of much regret and sadness

No hope left for me.

🖤🖤🖤

Joy denied

Shut out in the cold

No entry

Just exiled

There’s no chance of redemption

My soul is not free.

Memories.

This morning, like last night I find myself in a reflective mood. After a fitful night full of unsettling dreams I sit here in the early dark disturbed by what my dreams have touched on. In an attempt to clear my mind of these niggles I have written a Naani.

Image from Pixabay

Memories.

Memories fill my head

Faces living, faces dead

Some happy some sad

Life is full of good and bad.

Lune Day 21

At Kat Myrman‘s suggestion,along with Jane Dougherty, I’m trying out the Lune form this month. The Lune is a three line poem, either 5/3/5 syllables or 3/5/3 words.

Little shards of glass

Cut my heart

Tears burn hot like fire

Withdrawal . Nearly there?

I have been telling you all, about (I hope) the last few weeks of weaning myself off of Gabapentin. It’s a neuropathic painkiller. I have been on it for over eight years I have weaned myself down from four times six hundred mgs a day to one hundred mgs twice a day. With no great help from the doctors who just want to hand them out like sweets to keep me quite. This week I am altenating between one hundred mgs morning and night one day and just one hundred grams in the evening on the alternate day. It is hard,harder than I thought. This last part is so hard I just want to reach for the pills. So you guys can help me by listening to me writing it out.

A big thank you for baring with me.

Well I have not said anything about how the withdrawal has been going for a while. So I thought I let you all know how things are going.

My mood is very low, I feel like crying most of the time so I do have to fight it. Everything upsets me, the tone of hubby’s voice, TV , adverts, reading blogs, writing blogs..you get the picture.

Pain, I am in a lot of pain , I am determined to fight it and am using every weapon in my Armoury to do so… But it is constantly there.

Exhaustion I am way past tired! Anxiety levels are very high, temper short! Spiders on and off. Sniffing, it’s driving me mad. I did think this would be the easy part.
Enough no more negatives. I am still standing, I am down to 100mgs of Gabapentin every other evening, from 2,400gms a day. This has taken me two and a half years to achieve.

The weekend was hard, a friend was ill on Friday evening and I was at her house until 1am , then Saturday I spent the morning with her at the hospital. Thankfully is okay she now but the sitting around did nothing for my pain and stress levels.. I am getting good at hiding these though.

Wednesday we went to London for Prime Minister’s Question Time. It was very interesting and the weather was gorgeous. But the train journeys and sitting in very cramped conditions for the PMQs for over an hour was painful and stressful.

Hubby did get a little miffed with me because he said I was ratty, miserable and a tad awkward. He took a photo of me on the train going home…. I do look “miserable” but I did try. I certainly did not complain.

I was actually tired and in pain. But hey it had been a long day enjoyable but long.

I survived.

Yesterday and today hubby been staying at our eldest flat on the south coast, helping him decorate it so he can sell it. I have done things at my own speed so I am feeling little less anxious.

The weekend looms and I know it will be busy. I am getting there but it’s harder than I thought. Hey ho I am nearly there!

Friends tell me I doing great at that I look okay … I just wish I felt okay.

Thank you for listening. 💜💜💜💜

Sue Vincent Thursday photo prompt: Turrets #writephoto

This is my entry for Sue Vincent of The Daily Echo‘s Thursday Photo Prompt Challenge.

There he lay on the summit of the Clift next to the castle. He knew he was dieing, his wound was mortal.

The gaping hole just above his tail had long since stopped hurting. He was so tired and cold. Both the feeling of tiredness and cold were new to him. Always the internal fires he owned had kept him warm and there was no room for tiredness in the life of a Dragon king.

He looked across to the castle where his beloved mate was clearly visible. She looked glorious even in death affixed to the turret and covered in gold.

He wept, he grieved a feeling until now unknown to him. He thought of revenge but it was too late he was already turning to stone.

The last of the dragons, now gone.

42 Day Twenty Three.

Jane Dougherty has come up with a theme for May . It is 42, now Jane describes it thus: “42 after Douglas Adams’ answer to the question of life, the universe and everything. The form is like the Cherita in its structure with a bit of added interest. The first line/stanza asks a question or makes a statement that begs a question, the second stanza/two lines sets the scene or the background, the last stanza/three lines answers the question or resolves it in some way.

Why do I let it hurt me so

Drop my guard when I should know

The pain will just grow

My own fault I know

So I let the tears flow

I can’t let go.

Florescence Day Nine.

Day Nine of the Florescence, courtesy of its creator, Jane Dougherty.

Screams Oh! My God this burns

Writhing, deep pain she learns

World stopped, no longer turns,

nightmare dreams.

Florescence Day Seven.

Day Seven of the Florescence, courtesy of its creator, Jane Dougherty.

Image from Pixabay

Catching you unawares

Not an answer to prayers

Cruel, sharp back pain flares, hell matching

Florette . Cuts.

Florette: Cuts.

Image from Pixabay

So deep the pain in me

Nought to gain, cut me free.

It Hurts

Friday I wrote about the pessures put on people by the media and society to follow their ridiculous demands by showing us the body beautiful. Resulting in Anorexia and Bulimia.

Even children as young as 5yrs are worrying about weight and looks . It’s not only women and girls effected boys and men are  too.

Today I am writing about mental health, be it eating disorders, self harm, depression, anxioty …all of the above.

This poem talks of the “system” phyciatric care or maybe the lack of it. I witnessed some of this first handwhile helping a friend who’s daughter has phyciatric problems. The daughter also once spent a night in a police cell, the discription is almost interchangable.

I have also had the same experience nearly thirty years ago looking after a close family member (male) going through a “nervous breakdown” nothing much seems to have changed, the surroundings, the staff most of who do, do their best, the lack of information and support, the locked doors ( I know they need to be)

Well here is another reworked poem I do hope it can open an eye or two and hopefully let others know they are not alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It Hurts.

Shoe laces taken

All you know, shaken

Not  a  razor  or  knife in sight

Still  the pain sears  through  the night.

Corridors full of  eternal walkers

Going  nowhere, watched  by  stalkers.

Screams  erupt  so do  tussles

Held down by  ‘staff ‘ with muscles.

Nothing  stops  the pain  NOTHING

Smile  at  family  don’t  let  them see  the  bluffing.

It hurts, it  hurts  you  needs  to  bleed

A sacrifice  to the demon’s  seed.

Doors  slam locks  turn

Fears  grow behind  doors  souls burn

Help me  please help me

Blind eyes don’t see…………………….

Shoe laces taken

All you know,  shaken

Not  a  razor  or  knife in sight

Still  the pain sears  through  the night.

https://youtu.be/ouddJKXcVWY

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