I just Needed to share.

I try not to mention how I am feeling too often because … well I suppose that is how I was brought up. If asked how you are , you lie through your teeth. Even if you are on your last legs you smile and say “I am fine thank you.”

Yes I did include you all in the last stages of my withdrawal from neuropathic and morphine based painkillers ( the prescription ones that most doctors hand out like sweets to keep you quiet) I am now prescription painkillers free and for that matter over the counter pills free too.

I was an addict and withdrawal is very hard and painful but it can be achieved. There is a problem though and I do try to keep it to myself but here I am spilling it all out on to the page for you all to see. Not very stiff upper-lip you might say.

PAIN,that is the problem. Constant nagging and stubborn pain. It hounds me all day, it pokes me to remind me it there all night while I sleep and it notches up a level when I least need or expect it.

Those of you you who suffer with constant pain will know what I am talking about people like Claire Saul and her Blog PainPals she will know what I am talking about and her blog is most interesting do visit her. Also is Caz’s blog at Invisibly Me well worth a visit too.

Life is a trade off isn’t it I could live a half life like a Zombie drugged up to the eye balls lulled in to a false sense that the pain is numbed. ( It isn’t really eventually they do not work at all and you realise you are taking them just because you NEED them to feel normal) Or I can have my brain working to full capacity and find ways to cope with the constant pain.

I made the choice I gave up the pills and I cannot really ever take any of them again because I am an addict. I am afraid to even take over the counter painkillers encase I wind up hooked on them. Most days I cope but on days like today , I feel like shit. I am exhausted, in pain , shorted tempered, freezing and tearful. I am finding so hard to even write this blog but I will …I hope that someone out there might just need to know they are not alone.

Where am I going with this, I don’t really know but I just needed to get my feelings out there. I have been trying to get my poems into some sort of order because I would dearly love to get a book published this year, I even have a working title ‘ A Blogsworth of Poems ‘ I am plodding away at that but I have so little time as because the stupid pain slows me down everything takes so much longer.

Enough now no more moaning lets look at some positives. I had a great weekend, Saturday we visited a local brewery with friends and we could take Ruby too as it has a dog friendly bar called the Taproom. No we didn’t do a tour we had a fabulous BBQ lunch and tried out their interesting original beers. I also found a beautiful bluebell wood to take Ruby for a walk in. Sunday we were out with our youngest son and his two boys the eldest of who was 5 years old last Wednesday.

We had a pub lunch and we took M’s birthday presents and the Easter eggs for both boys along with us. It was delightful to have our eldest grandson announce That his birthday present was “Just what I wanted ” The joy of see the grandchildren really helped with the pain… maybe the fact that we had so much fun at the weekend is one of the reason I feel so tired ( you might say) … but the pain and tiredness are constant

I do lots of walking daily ( the advantage of having a dog! ) and Pilates twice a week and I am so much better than I was this time last year and a thousand times better than I was three years ago.

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I am fine , hopefully tomorrow I shall be even better I have a lot to look forward  to. Next week is  Easter. The week after  I am going on a course  ( The Lord of  the Deep ) with the  Silent  Eye which I really looking  forward  too. I am also hoping  we  will see  more  of  the grandchildren. Then  June  brings  The  Bloggers Bash!

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Life is  what  we make it  and  nothing  can last  forever… I hope ❤

Now  lets  have a happy  song . Love  you  all

 

Trapped Soul

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For years it fought against it’s tether

Yet the harder it fought the more it would wither.

It  caused itself so much pain,

Yearning for a freedom it never could gain.

Finally exhausted it decided one day

To no longer try to break away.

It decided that it should be what it should be.

So the soul stopped fighting, relaxed. Immediately it was set free.

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Top picture from Pixabay, the second is mine .

Cry for Help.

Cry For Help.

Help she screamed I cannot cope

No one turned no one spoke

Help he pleaded I am depressed

No one listened or her pain redressed

Help she begged I can’t go on

No one heard above their lala song

Help someone it hurts me so

No one bothered, as she swam against the flow

Help she whispers as ended her life

No one reached out to save her from strife

She said no more, she had died

No one noticed no one cried.

Shut out.

Shut out

Lost am l

In this dark tunnel

Without hope

Bleak heart full

Of much regret and sadness

No hope left for me.

🖤🖤🖤

Joy denied

Shut out in the cold

No entry

Just exiled

There’s no chance of redemption

My soul is not free.

Memories.

This morning, like last night I find myself in a reflective mood. After a fitful night full of unsettling dreams I sit here in the early dark disturbed by what my dreams have touched on. In an attempt to clear my mind of these niggles I have written a Naani.

Image from Pixabay

Memories.

Memories fill my head

Faces living, faces dead

Some happy some sad

Life is full of good and bad.

Lune Day 21

At Kat Myrman‘s suggestion,along with Jane Dougherty, I’m trying out the Lune form this month. The Lune is a three line poem, either 5/3/5 syllables or 3/5/3 words.

Little shards of glass

Cut my heart

Tears burn hot like fire

Withdrawal . Nearly there?

I have been telling you all, about (I hope) the last few weeks of weaning myself off of Gabapentin. It’s a neuropathic painkiller. I have been on it for over eight years I have weaned myself down from four times six hundred mgs a day to one hundred mgs twice a day. With no great help from the doctors who just want to hand them out like sweets to keep me quite. This week I am altenating between one hundred mgs morning and night one day and just one hundred grams in the evening on the alternate day. It is hard,harder than I thought. This last part is so hard I just want to reach for the pills. So you guys can help me by listening to me writing it out.

A big thank you for baring with me.

Well I have not said anything about how the withdrawal has been going for a while. So I thought I let you all know how things are going.

My mood is very low, I feel like crying most of the time so I do have to fight it. Everything upsets me, the tone of hubby’s voice, TV , adverts, reading blogs, writing blogs..you get the picture.

Pain, I am in a lot of pain , I am determined to fight it and am using every weapon in my Armoury to do so… But it is constantly there.

Exhaustion I am way past tired! Anxiety levels are very high, temper short! Spiders on and off. Sniffing, it’s driving me mad. I did think this would be the easy part.
Enough no more negatives. I am still standing, I am down to 100mgs of Gabapentin every other evening, from 2,400gms a day. This has taken me two and a half years to achieve.

The weekend was hard, a friend was ill on Friday evening and I was at her house until 1am , then Saturday I spent the morning with her at the hospital. Thankfully is okay she now but the sitting around did nothing for my pain and stress levels.. I am getting good at hiding these though.

Wednesday we went to London for Prime Minister’s Question Time. It was very interesting and the weather was gorgeous. But the train journeys and sitting in very cramped conditions for the PMQs for over an hour was painful and stressful.

Hubby did get a little miffed with me because he said I was ratty, miserable and a tad awkward. He took a photo of me on the train going home…. I do look “miserable” but I did try. I certainly did not complain.

I was actually tired and in pain. But hey it had been a long day enjoyable but long.

I survived.

Yesterday and today hubby been staying at our eldest flat on the south coast, helping him decorate it so he can sell it. I have done things at my own speed so I am feeling little less anxious.

The weekend looms and I know it will be busy. I am getting there but it’s harder than I thought. Hey ho I am nearly there!

Friends tell me I doing great at that I look okay … I just wish I felt okay.

Thank you for listening. 💜💜💜💜

Sue Vincent Thursday photo prompt: Turrets #writephoto

This is my entry for Sue Vincent of The Daily Echo‘s Thursday Photo Prompt Challenge.

There he lay on the summit of the Clift next to the castle. He knew he was dieing, his wound was mortal.

The gaping hole just above his tail had long since stopped hurting. He was so tired and cold. Both the feeling of tiredness and cold were new to him. Always the internal fires he owned had kept him warm and there was no room for tiredness in the life of a Dragon king.

He looked across to the castle where his beloved mate was clearly visible. She looked glorious even in death affixed to the turret and covered in gold.

He wept, he grieved a feeling until now unknown to him. He thought of revenge but it was too late he was already turning to stone.

The last of the dragons, now gone.

42 Day Twenty Three.

Jane Dougherty has come up with a theme for May . It is 42, now Jane describes it thus: “42 after Douglas Adams’ answer to the question of life, the universe and everything. The form is like the Cherita in its structure with a bit of added interest. The first line/stanza asks a question or makes a statement that begs a question, the second stanza/two lines sets the scene or the background, the last stanza/three lines answers the question or resolves it in some way.

Why do I let it hurt me so

Drop my guard when I should know

The pain will just grow

My own fault I know

So I let the tears flow

I can’t let go.

Florescence Day Nine.

Day Nine of the Florescence, courtesy of its creator, Jane Dougherty.

Screams Oh! My God this burns

Writhing, deep pain she learns

World stopped, no longer turns,

nightmare dreams.

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