feeling trapped – willowdot21

Escape

I want to run, I want to hide. I want to skip through water and go down a slide.

I want to have fun. I don’t want to stay here where it is all so grown up.

I am tired of relationships its all too hard to bare.

I need to kick my shoes off and slide down the bannister watch the shocked reactions I really do not care.

Searching for the sun-light, reaching for the clear.

I no longer recognised it, does it still exist, is it still here.

I need to count the buttercups and make a daisy chain

It will make lovely decoration but will it dull the pain.

Perhaps I could find Teddy,I left him in the den he and I spent hours there do you think we could again.

Running from fear — http://www.joyfuldays.com/

I want muddy fingers and dirty fingernails

I want a stick to run along the rails.

I want Ossie and Jinglebells please could I go play with them in some hidden dells.

Could I not paint a picture of a house and a huge sun

Could we just have one game of blindman’s bluff it truly would be fun.

I need to find the exit please which way is the door. I have to get out of here and play five jacks on the floor.

It is too hot to cope in here, there is not enough air to breathe.

I need to go now I have to get out of here.

I really have to leave. I want to jump in puddles and splash around in shiny red boots.

I want to swing from branches and hide secrets in tree roots.

I need to feel the sea air on my face, to let it blow my hair around so I have to fight to keep it off my face.

Is that a window. I can make my escape anything would be better than these feelings I have to fake. I want to have a tea party with dolly , yes I do. I want to mix a cake and lick the bowl out too!

I need to get as far away from here and run as fast as can.

I want to have a crust of new baked bread and smother it with jam.

I need to find the breeze and watch the blossoms sway.

I want to smell it’s perfume and get so far away from all the heavy duties I have to bare today.

A final little jump now and I am on my way

I have to just get home now and then I shall be free to dance and play.

I thought I had escaped at last the clinging ties that hold me fast. I though with age things would relent and all the harsh things you’d said were just not meant.So many years I have carried the fears that have weighed me down and reduced me to tears.

How long is this path I have to walk while all my short falls on your, black board, you chalk. I just think I see the light and as towards it, my way I fight. You watch me nearly reach my goal then you scoop me up and drop me in your goldfish bowl.

How long can this torment last? When will you loose these chains that have me in their grasp.Why must each day be another trial that sees me fail , stupid, lazy , ignorant and vile.Why must it always be your way, why must I adhere to everything you say. You march on your eyes and ears tight shut and I am dragged in your wake all bruised and cut.

I am tired and and weak of heart lost for words, by your demons I am slowly torn apart. After all these years I cannot melt your icy heart but I guess I new that from the start. How can I fight these devils, they are yours not mine but still they are killing me as around my heart they entwine.

Teenage Mum

Drip drip the rain gently falls she looks out on the empty streets lined with ugly walls. Five minutes peace this may be all she’ll get the baby is asleep and he’s not crying yet.

Long lonely hours why is life so cruel, she even now regrets all the hours she wasted avoiding school. Her boyfriend does not care for her even less for the boy they argue every evening so short lived was their joy.

She had just been fifteen he had been the same they felt so clever and grown up it was like a game.

He could of gone to Uni that’s what everybody said but they wanted to get married, soon all their dreams were dead. He worked with a plumber but apprentices’ pays not much the money hardly met their needs and with all her friends she lost touch.

Every day was lonely everyday the same a round of washing, feeding, sleeping inside a nagging pain. Yes she loved her baby she did her very best but he never slept at night so neither she or her boyfriend ever got any rest.

He got up and left early and “deserved” an evening drink with his mates while she washed the nappies and put away the plates.They always seemed to argue they soon began to fight and many, many was the time she cried herself to sleep alone at night.

Then one day she saw a persistent butterfly, outside of her window fluttering by and by. She watched it for hours as it a dance it did fly she was so wound up in this she did not hear her baby cry. Tears fell freely from her dull and tired eyes she could not help herself as she opened up the window and stepped outside to fly.

I KNOW YOU ARE IN THERE

I know you are in there and that you are afraid to come out, the part of you that is here is angry it screams and it shouts.

What put you in there, I shall never know, you will never unburden, never tell me it’s your secret. So nothing gets better in fact things just grow worse whatever I do, now makes you swear and curse.

I have tried being patient I have tried being kind . I have offered my hand to you so often you have just bitten it, payment in kind?? I have begged and I have pleaded taken the rough with rough and it is all getting worse and I feel enough is enough.

helping hands — photo credits google image

I would rip out my shoulder and watch my hands bleed for all of the supporting I have given to you over the years when you are in need. All the cliff hangers we have endured I listened to you as your heart you had out poured. Over the years why the hell can you still not trust me I fought your demons and your fears and done my best to set you free.

Shall I hold on or shall I just let go I could not be any lower in your estimation,I know. I know you are in there I know you are scared our lives have up till now been perilously pared.

I know you are in there and that you are afraid to come out, the part of you that is here is angry it screams and it shouts.

Play the game.

Swing with his moods swing with his whims there is just no other way to cope with him.

Sail through the dark and sail through the night just agree with all that is said, watch your independence take flight.

Squeak like a mouse wash your whiskers too, just do everything that he wants you to do. It is better much easier that way if you want to survive and get through the day.

Roll with the verbal punches fall with the noise blows there is more to abuse than physical violence you know.

Make your decisions but make sure you choose right for if you are wrong you will worsen your plight. Remember your decisions remember you have a choice stand up for yourself and try to blot out his voice. Be strong , be determined don’t sell your soul, fight for your sanity remember freedom is your goal.

Stupid Bitch!

photo credits http://derekjonesart.blogspot.co.uk/2011_12_01_archive.html

There she is that thing in the corner. She opens her mouth making her life more forlorner. Stupid and ugly is she, tired and tearful she longs to be free. But no for she is that thing in the corner.

Nothing but shadow has she become lost now forever no longer to look on the sun. Rubbish she speaks each time she opens her mouth, your a bitch and you are awkward is all that he shouts.

Empty inside she appears drawn and pale her ears become deafer the more at her he rails.Rubbish she is rubbish a spiteful bitch inside her she knows this is wrong outside her lip begins to twitch.

There she is, that thing in the corner. She opens her mouth making her life forlorner. She is no good, she is useless a lazy stupid bitch her mouth betrays her each day that passes. What good is she, no use to him so screw her up tight and throw her in the bin. Useless and unwanted the thing in the corner.

Lifes Confusion

Riddle, riddle has the cat found a fiddle or is it a violin? Riddle,riddle the cow is in a space suit suffering from original sin.

Humpty Dumpy took up cookery he was all excited. He burst into tears when he was invited.He heard he couldn’t make a cake without breaking eggs, it only confirmed his worst fears.

Little miss Muffet sat on her tuffet eating Humpty’s cake she put in her thumb and pulled out a plumb and that was not her first mistake. The little dog laughed until his sides ached.

Skipperty, slipperty the floor boards are rickety and little boy Blue had put on weight. Since he’d met simple Simon and they’d mugged the pie man crashing through floor boards was their fate.

Ding a ding dong the old woman sang a song , climbing the walls in her mind. The children were driving her mad.She hit a few and sent them crashing screaming and shouting that her old man was a cad!

I riddle , riddle my whole life is a fiddle not knowing what is to be done. But tell me now why your laces are undone my diddle dumpling son John.

Fly high skies,mind the custard pies if left too long they attract dirty blue flies! So rockaby my baby on the tree top. Who the f**k put you up there! If the storm rages you will fall and I will be arrested for neglect so damn it all!

Why,why,why.

photo credits http://xinsin.deviantart.com/art/Lhttp://xinsin.deviantart.com/art/

This is me here I stand, do you want my heart. Take it and crush it in your hand. Words don’t fit they beat me down all loops and bloops you watch me drown.

In my own blood you see me thrash, go on get your mates you could all lay bets as to when I’d crash!

Beat me, slap me with my words I’ve taped my mouth so my screams cannot be heard. Cut me carve me it is nothing I have not done before . I’m lost and wrecked on unused emotion’s shore.

Abuse me use me sate your need then throw me off like an unwanted weed. See my heart you have rent it in two I pull it out of my black hole and wear it on my sleeve for you .

Fuck me suck me dry you just don’t look or see the need within my eye. There is not much more that I can do you miss hear and miss understand all that I do. I stand here screaming silently bleeding need and blood constantly.

Hit me kick me just don’t look at my face, no matter how hard I have tried I cannot win this race.Here it comes the huge and vicious mouth I lost, I lost can’t take any more I fall and tumble all legs and arms I stumble south.

Damn you damn you what can I do to get to respect or love from you. Love okay it’s too late but kindness now would compensate.

A CHANGE OF HEART

She came in on the midnight hour looking warn and weary like a wilted flower, tired bedraggled sloven and bereft of any power.

photo credit http://vrabcek-myfavouritepics.buzznet.com/

Rain had washed her make up off and she looked half her age, her hair hung limp and wet there was a nasty taste in her mouth and her belly was full of rage.

Peeling off her soaking clothes letting them fall to the floor through the house naked she walked oblivious to all, her soul in bits she could feel no more.

She crept into the shower and let the water run, hot hot hotter then she took the scrubbing brush she must undo what had been done. So she let the water run and run.

She closed her mind to all that had run before she bent her head and stared at the chipped tile on the floor. So tired, so tired and in such pain do it right do it wrong it is all the bloody same.

What to do, she did not know she had to sort things this she did know. Slowly the water was turning red and there was whirling in her head .

Sagging knees she clutched her belly she tried to move but she had turned to jelly.

The sound of water was calming the warmth of the water was too, yet the pain was alarming……..

Sometime later the water ran cold she awakes and shivers and realizes she must move, she must get a hold. Where is her mum she needs some help then she remembers with a whelp.Crawling up she stops the water , dries herself off and looks in the mirror to see if she has altered.

Dressed again she makes her way down stairs moves the wet clothes that are hers, still in the house no one stirs. Leaving the house the rain has stopped she almost flies to the grave yard to retrieve what she has dropped.

Her nerve is running out as she approaches the warden’s shed she is pain and light in the head.Opening the door she slips inside there where she left it her bundle she spies. Picking it up and holding her breath she unwraps the smelly blanket .

Silence…………..she touches the face the lips, she lifts the tiny hands and kisses them suddenly a a movement a wriggle she holds her breath and then a cry ….. The answer to all her wishes.

Lifting the little bundle up full of such relief that God , thank God this could so almost of ended in grief. Taking in a deep breath as that awful pain returned, it was really hurting now and she was quite concerned.

There was nothing for it, the one thing she really did not want to do. With a shaking hand she picked up her mobile ………. Hi Mum I really, really need you She was very frightened no idea what to expect but with him in her arms now she had no regrets!

Trapped insided my Head

Black to the left of me black to the right above and below me too, all around is endless night.

Am I dreaming am awake, this constant gnawing at my soul is getting more than I can take.

The more I struggle the more it hurts I scream and I shout in the silence my mind disconcerts.

Am I alone in here I do not know I reach out my hand and I feel around slow.

No don’t you give up now you must not sleep whatever is happening your conciousness you must keep.

Tired, tired I am so painfully tired but I must not sleep. If I do the monsters will rip my out my senses, I need them I need them my senses I must keep.

Tied down, I am tied down. It feels like there are tubes in and out of me running to ground. Lost, I feel lost why cannot I not see why isn’t anyone looking for me. Help me, help me come save me and set me free. Please , please someone answer my plea!