bad memories – willowdot21

Homeless At Christmas

I originally wrote this in December 2013 but it is still relevant .

I hope it won’t snow this Christmas it’s one of my biggest fears.

It was so bitter last year even thinking of it makes me shudder and shed a tear.

They won’t be eating Turkey with all the trim

Unless they find a charity shelter and they can get in.

The people at the shelters are angels from up above they give their time and plenty love.

They really are saviours they really do so much good.

They give warmth and comfort and Christmas dinner and even Christmas pud.

OH! why are they out here I hear you say

There are lots of reasons, have you got all day? Dave got made redundant the bills he couldn’t pay So the bank stepped in and took his home away.

His wife could not stand the B&B that the social offered them

So she took the children off to live with her mum so Dave won’t see them again.

Jen, she was cheeky girl always having fun

Staying out late and playing up in the end it got too much for her mum!

After a big row one night in the summer she asked Jen to go,

So she is struggling along out here now,when your homeless it is amazing how fast your friends all go.

istock_000023730585_small-compressed — image found here

Rob well his story is very sad,

It all started with his drinking then he discovered drugs he became violent and everything turned bad.

He fell out with his mother’s boyfriend who told him he had to go

And then threw him out into the December snow.

The reasons are legion you can take your pick,

People who loose their jobs because they became sick

From parents who can’t cope

To addictions that make you loose all hope,

Parents or family who beat you, family who will not stop at a touch

They want you to give them way too much.

This may all seem morbid this may all seem too sad

I hate to tell you all, things can be so very, very bad.

People young and old see their hopes and dreams unfold and vanish in clouds of smoke

As they end up on the streets lost and without any hope.

So enjoy your Christmas parties, your families and your Yule tide fare

But as you raise a toast remember the homeless ones out there .

YOU CAN DONATE OR HELP HERE

Like A Rocketship

A personal poem for Breast Cancer Awareness Month

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

I rang her each day for over a year,

I begged to come see her but she would not let me near.

We laughed with each other often but more often we cried.

I wanted to be with with her but her fears, this to me denied.

I begged her to fight it she told me she was tired

I nagged and bullied she said I was fired!

Things never got better she slipped from my grasp

I tried hard to see her but she still refused, so I did as she asked.

Then finally the day came and I got the call

At last I got to visit , not that she knew at all.

I talked of blue skies and beaches and clouds

I did not whisper I told her out loud.

She was struggling for breath then I caught her eye in a moment of clarity

I told her I loved her she flashed at me “no pity!”

Her hands were dirty her nails were lined black

Her pain and the squalor are the memories that keep coming back.

I spent four days in her company

I could not believe what I had to see.

I hated her suffering as she breathed her last,

Sadly these horrid memories stuck in my mind are the ones which I cannot get past.

https://willowdot21.files.wordpress.com/2014/10/074dd-manchess_stubby.jpg

It was a foggy freezing December day

When we all met at the Crem our goodbyes to say.

To a larger than life, loud colourful girl

Who with a flash of her eyes could set our working day in a whirl.

I sat there sobbing but she had to have the last word

“Get a grip you silly cow” were the words that I heard.

Then as her coffin disappeared for her final bow

She went out with a flourish to Queen’s ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’.

Karen 1958 – 2010

HOMELESS AT CHRISTMAS

http://www.sunderlandecho.com/webimage/1.4056197.1323777984!image/3331716754.jpg_gen/derivatives/landscape_595/3331716754.jpg

I hope it won’t snow this Christmas it’s one of my biggest fears.

It was so bitter last year even thinking of it makes me shudder and shed a tear.

They won’t be eating Turkey with all the trim

Unless they find a charity shelter and they can get in.

The people at the shelters are angels from up above they give their time and plenty love.

They really are saviours they really do so much good.

They give warmth and comfort and Christmas dinner and even Christmas pud.

OH! why are they out here I hear you say

There are lots of reasons, have you got all day? Dave got made redundant the bills he couldn’t pay So the bank stepped in and took his home away.

His wife could not stand the B&B that the social offered them

So she took the children off to live with her mum so Dave won’t see them again.

Jen, she was cheeky girl always having fun

Staying out late and playing up in the end it got too much for her mum!

After a big row one night in the summer she asked Jen to go,

So she is struggling along out here now,when your homeless it is amazing how fast your friends all go.

Rob well his story is very sad,

It all started with his drinking then he discovered drugs he became violent and everything turned bad.

He fell out with his mother’s boyfriend who told him he had to go

And then threw him out into the January snow.

The reasons are legion you can take your pick,

People who loose their jobs because they became sick

From parents who can’t cope

To addictions that make you loose all hope,

Parents or family who beat you, family who will not stop at a touch

They want you to give them way too much.

http://nolimitshelp.org.uk/sites/default/files/imagecache/main/Homeless_Young_Man_1.jpg

This may all seem morbid this may all seem too sad

I hate to tell you all, things can be so very, very bad.

People young and old see their hopes and dreams unfold and vanish in clouds of smoke

As they end up on the streets lost and without any hope.

So enjoy your Christmas parties, your families and your Yule tide fare

But as you raise a toast remember the homeless ones out there .

Experiences with NHS.

Quiet, just a little quiet would be heavenly. The noise is relentless
The incessant noise of the ward went on, and nighttime chatter and laughter of the nurses was defenseless.

Sleep, a forgotten dream, fear and panic my new friends. Stress and pain were all I knew.

Endless ward rounds. Cleaners doctors, nurses. So many ‘carers’ around but honestly no one gives a shit about you.

http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures

You have broken your back dear and quite badly too
But we are so clever and so we can fix you like new.

We will put you in a corset and Dr will be here to see you sometime.
He is a really talented surgeon he’ll put you back together, you will be just fine.

Are you not hungry dear, what’s that you say,

you can’t reach your dinner okay dear I’ll clear it away.

Have you washed dear Oh! only your face and hands.

Why not the rest of you, I don’t understand.

Right your in a corset and you cannot move,

Huh! I’d better wash you no doubt you’ll improve.

OMG! The nights are so long

And the noise of their natter goes on and on.

The old lady at the end of the ward has lost her mind

She keeps calling for her daughter who spends all day with her ..she’s kind.

The nurses are sick of her calling out

So they have put a note at the end of her bed telling her where she is , does it help…I doubt.

http://www.jeffreygwilkinson.com/USERIMAGES/%C2%A9Geriatric%20Ward,%20Gloucestershire%20Royal%20Hospital.jpg

I ring the bell because my stomach hurts it takes ages for someone to come

Thank goodness I have a catheter or my bed would be permanently wet.

I am left on the bedpan for half an hour or so, I cannot move, remember I am in a corset .

The lady next to me keeps crying what can I do

She is braking her heart but she can’t tell me why she is so blue.

Nobody talks to these poor lost souls all they need is the touch of a hand

A kind word or a gentle look , a little time to smile at them and make them feel grand.

Time drags for me , fear and pain haunt me so

And to make things worse my guts ache as to the toilet I just cannot go!

Nobody listens , nobody cares, as long as your drug chart is right

They are too busy to listen , to help, or stop your pain when it grabs you late at night.

Am I exaggerating ? I do not know. Am I exaggerating? I do not think so

I know I was frightened and in pain, I know the old ladies made me weep , sad memories I know.

There is more I could tell you but for now that’s enough

http://images.fineartamerica.com/images-medium-large/depression-and-grief-deborah-macquarrie.jpg

I don’t like these memories they are churning me up.

Something is missing from the NHS today

The caring and kindness is drifting away.

I wanted to help they old ladies their sad cries echo in my head

I wanted to comfort and care for them but I was unable to get up out of my bed.

Farewell to Earth

https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=Michal+Karcz&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=8IAbUt33LsWN7Qb2uoCoAw&ved=0CFEQsAQ&biw=1264&bih=640

It was hard to leave, hard to understand

Some tried hard to save our Earth

The others ignored the facts out of hand.

Where once was green and plenty all was now dust and dearth.

I was not alone there were others of us there

Set upon this lonely moon

Destined , now to travel who knows where.

Afraid and frightened I sat marooned

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(A Sonnet to a dying Earth. Eight lines A,B. A,B A,B A,B )

I thought I had escaped at last the clinging ties that hold me fast. I though with age things would relent and all the harsh things you’d said were just not meant.So many years I have carried the fears that have weighed me down and reduced me to tears.

How long is this path I have to walk while all my short falls on your, black board, you chalk. I just think I see the light and as towards it, my way I fight. You watch me nearly reach my goal then you scoop me up and drop me in your goldfish bowl.

How long can this torment last? When will you loose these chains that have me in their grasp.Why must each day be another trial that sees me fail , stupid, lazy , ignorant and vile.Why must it always be your way, why must I adhere to everything you say. You march on your eyes and ears tight shut and I am dragged in your wake all bruised and cut.

I am tired and and weak of heart lost for words, by your demons I am slowly torn apart. After all these years I cannot melt your icy heart but I guess I new that from the start. How can I fight these devils, they are yours not mine but still they are killing me as around my heart they entwine.

WHY

Hi I wrote this in November of last year. Today I am feeling tired and cold and if I am honest very low. This poem of mine came into my head so I revisited it. I keep thinking that I have moved on and that he has too but then another kick from the gods of fate comes resounding into the small of my back and I open my eyes and see nothing has changed nothing at all.

I have changed about two words, they probably make no difference to the poem but I needed to change them. A little tweakette. Oh! that we could do that with life. The keys at the end of the poem are very symbolic to me. I feel locked up, trapped in a cell. Yet to the world I present this smile, “I can do ” appearance. What a joke that is I feel hardly capable of standing today.

Okay that is enough,I have subjected you all to more than you need to know about my bleeding heart and life so lets wipe the blood from the page and hope for a cheeky chirpy next post…… yer right!! 😦

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHY?

Just how do you do it time after time.Why do I let you do this to me, there is no reason or rhyme. It makes no sense, why do you tear up this life of mine. Do you have no sense of occasion do you not even care, have you no feelings left for me, do you even need me there.

I think I must be stupid I think I must be mad to let you carry on the way you do, it is all so wrong, it just makes me feel so bad..

Why do you want to live two lives it surely it is not on. You are missing most weekends, sometimes weeks at a time and that is surely wrong. I have dodged the questions asked about you from family and friends I hate to lie for when that starts it never, never ends.

People take their sides they do not realize that they have, they make a choice which means different rules apply. The first time I was shown this my heart was turned to stone. I thought that I would die.

This really was a shock to me, I am a bit stupid you see, the fact that life is like that was staring at me glaringly.

It has been so many years now but time has not made any of the pain recede. In fact time makes no difference the pain just grows indeed. It has turned into acceptance which is a bitter seed.

Why have I taken this all for so long, why when I know it is all wrong. Family yes, appearances no,I lost all pride long ago . For my comfort maybe, I need help I need someone even if they don’t want me.

“WHEN WE LET GO WE ARE FREE “

HEART OF STONE

I sit and watch the rain as it relentlessly falls like tears down the window pane.I can see you but can you see me locked up inside here longing to be free.

I may look like you flesh and bones but inside I am frozen, cold, cold made of stone.

Make the right noises do the correct things follow the pattern and accept the shit life brings. All around, you see people fall, fools and jokers one and all.

And still that rain falls pear drop tears plop plop on the window sill echoing and amplifying this world of fears.

Best close the window and lower the blind take hold of your memories, throw them over your shoulder and leave them behind. Behind? it is thorny, bleak landscapes and skies that are black. Forward, forward one foot after the other and never look back.

Deep breath now life must go on. I maybe cold and empty but I can’t change what has gone. So on with smile force a light into my eyes and treat with care whatever crumbs of happiness that fall from the skies.

Play the game.

Swing with his moods swing with his whims there is just no other way to cope with him.

Sail through the dark and sail through the night just agree with all that is said, watch your independence take flight.

Squeak like a mouse wash your whiskers too, just do everything that he wants you to do. It is better much easier that way if you want to survive and get through the day.

Roll with the verbal punches fall with the noise blows there is more to abuse than physical violence you know.

Make your decisions but make sure you choose right for if you are wrong you will worsen your plight. Remember your decisions remember you have a choice stand up for yourself and try to blot out his voice. Be strong , be determined don’t sell your soul, fight for your sanity remember freedom is your goal.

Stupid Bitch!

photo credits http://derekjonesart.blogspot.co.uk/2011_12_01_archive.html

There she is that thing in the corner. She opens her mouth making her life more forlorner. Stupid and ugly is she, tired and tearful she longs to be free. But no for she is that thing in the corner.

Nothing but shadow has she become lost now forever no longer to look on the sun. Rubbish she speaks each time she opens her mouth, your a bitch and you are awkward is all that he shouts.

Empty inside she appears drawn and pale her ears become deafer the more at her he rails.Rubbish she is rubbish a spiteful bitch inside her she knows this is wrong outside her lip begins to twitch.

There she is, that thing in the corner. She opens her mouth making her life forlorner. She is no good, she is useless a lazy stupid bitch her mouth betrays her each day that passes. What good is she, no use to him so screw her up tight and throw her in the bin. Useless and unwanted the thing in the corner.