Did they grieve do they forgive

Did they know me, those tiny souls, did they grieve as they left, for me and their lives un -lived. I grieved for them though in those days to grieve for that loss was not done . Yet grieve I did for those souls lost that I had been gifted.

Had I done something wrong , was it something I moved or something I had lifted. I suppose I shall never know. It seemed so unkind that the first one was lost while I was out. In pub toilet, I was frightened and alone my husband and friends on the other side of the wall celebrating.  Was that soul as scared as me. God forgive me the inside of a toilet the first sight to see. I was mortified so guilty it was not even a shape so I flushed it away in fear. I bit on my lip to off set the pain I wanted to stop this but that was in vain. So I cleaned up the blood and painted my lips then tided my mascara smudges with my finger tips.

Hidden grief

The rest of the evening I sat and cried inside , “your quiet tonight is anything wrong ” I was asked  but of course I denied. I was gutted and hurt and slightly in pain  but so so empty inside. When we got home I shared my grief I was met with disbelief. Not of the facts but that I had  not said, well best not make  a fuss lets get you to bed.

It was not my fault the doctor said “natures way of clearing away anything that was not perfect. A practice run”. He was so bright and brisk ,off hand I was taken aback. Was nature so cruel so matter of fact. I had done nothing wrong he said, I needed more reassurance to assuage my guilt but he only suggest two days off work and a rest in bed.

Did that soul grieve did it  forgive me , I grieved for it for its soul and the life it did not see.

After the Christening of our first born , three  years later, I was exhausted and so hot, mind you it had been a lot of work and I had put in my all not being one to shirk. Things got worse and I knew at once what was happening to me. I did my best to get away from the visitors , the centre of attention was not what I wanted to be. We called the doctor when everyone had gone  he suggest I rest, with a young babe, come on!

I had lost one he told me  but the other was still there. I felt sorrow, grief  and guilt. For this to happen again it just did not seem fair. Try as I might I had only my self to blame I grieved  for a soul that my body had denied  life again. I thought I could  feel no worse but there was more to come, for a few days later I lost the other one .

A quick D and C will see you all right  you will be in hospital and out not even overnight. Yes that was true  and my body mended fast but the guilt for these souls was something that lasts.

Time is a great healer and I know that is true for life has given me plenty to do. I have three children and they are all boys they have given me hassle and they given me joys. I have had my hands full but they have all grown and flown, well. I remember my mother whispering to me “be glad with what you have and don’t fill your home with boys looking for a girl.” I knew she was right but back then it gave me no joy I felt a big hole created  by the tiny lost souls.

I have never discussed this in any depth till today, as when it all happened things like grief had all to be tucked away. I feel grief and guilt still, for the babies, there that  is the first time I have said that. But one question still remains with me till this day.

Did they know me, those tiny souls, did they grieve as they left, for me and their lives un-lived. I grieved for them though in those days, to grieve for that loss was not done . Yet grieve I did for those souls lost that I had been gifted, had I done something wrong.

12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. liv2write2day
    Sep 08, 2011 @ 16:26:14

    I cannot begin to imagine the deep pain that accompanies the loss of a pregnancy. Yes, I have cared for patients who have gone through this. Spent an entire day once with a lady from France to translate for her and we ended up becoming life long friends…but, still, her pain–I really could not be a part of it. I find it sad that we who are not involved so often resort to platitudes in the face of death…”It’s nature’s way…” “He lived a long life…” etc. But we don’t know really how to comfort another unless/until it’s something we have been through.

    Thanks you so much for your kind comments on my blog. I look forward to seeing more of you and your writing. Blessings.


  2. willowdot21
    Sep 08, 2011 @ 16:50:47

    Thank you I think that is my hardest poem yet.


  3. jadewriter
    Sep 08, 2011 @ 21:34:25

    I can’t even. To even describe how much your writing touched me in words would be doing it an injustice. That was so amazing and I was holding back tears the whole time. Absolutely amazing. That really inspired me to be a better writer. You really are gifted and I hope you never stop writing. Great Job!! =)


  4. willowdot21
    Sep 09, 2011 @ 06:06:45

    Thank you so much


  5. penpusherpen
    Sep 09, 2011 @ 16:09:16

    Just when I sent the email asking if you had a WordPress blog, Willow, I happened to pass my cursor over one of your comments, and here I am. This Poem had me from the first, the pain and self questioning, the deep torment of why? Why has this happened. I cannot give an answer, except to say that it did happen, and Nature is not cruel, in as far as she is just straight forward, and for some unknown reason your previous babies did not survive, but they are still mourned by you. They are recognised and as such have their own place within your heart and your memory.
    Many thanks for dropping by my site and for your comments. greatly appreciated. xPenx.


  6. Trackback: willowdot21 (An insight to a heart mind and soul) « choiceposts
  7. lilyklynn
    Oct 24, 2011 @ 22:32:23

    My eyes are welling up. I was only a little girl when my aunt miscarried, so I never really understood the full depth of what had happened until years later when my mother told me the stories. This is so sad, and I’m sure difficult to write and share as well. Xx Lily


    • willowdot21
      Oct 25, 2011 @ 07:53:16

      Thank you Lily, it was very hard to write. I still wonder why I shared it but I did feel a weight lifted when I had set it out on the page. Thank you for reading and caring. Did your Aunt have any children I did go on to have three.Be well and happy and have a lovely day! xx willow


  8. Thomas Davis
    Feb 12, 2012 @ 15:12:17

    What can anyone say about this, Willow? You have as much right to grieve as Ethel and I. Life is so difficult some times it is unbearable. Still, as you say in the poem, “Time is a great healer and I know that is true for life has given me plenty to do,” but while you were going through all of this the confusion, fear, and pain must have been excruciating.
    The sonnets I am posting now were all written after we knew Kevin was going to die, but before he died–with the exception of a handful at the end of the sequence. Ethel’s poems about Kevin, including the one she wrote about the shaman predicting what was going to happen before we had a clue anything was wrong, were mostly written after Kevin died, with the exception of one or two of them.
    I really do not know how we get through such times. I do not know the answers to any of the questions you ask or we have asked. Only those who have gone through the pain of such inexplicable loss have any concept of what it’s like to have to live day by day through both the experience and the aftermath of the experience.
    God bless you and thank you for sharing this with Ethel and I. I think it is better to acknowledge what has happened than to keep it inside, but the putting it down on paper is also incredibly difficult–even though time passes, we heal (mostly), and we notice a beautiful day again inside the frame of the missing part of us.


    • willowdot21
      Feb 12, 2012 @ 15:22:20

      All I can say to this is thank you and bless you and may God give us all enough strength to move on to love, to loose and grow again through loss. We can never replace a soul that has left us so we must keep them dear and alive in our hearts. We can only believe there is a bigger plan. Thank you both again. xx


  9. Ritu
    Jun 27, 2016 @ 04:55:57

    Willo,the feelings we feel at a time like this are echoed by all those who have suffered a loss like this. But equally, we sometimes feel we cannot verbalized it, as so many who haven’t been in the same situation, can’t understand our pain fully. When you know you are carrying a child, that child is instantly alive for you. When you lose that child, those thoughts die, that imagined babe is snatched away from you. Of course we need to grieve, and you have written this so well.


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