JusJoJan: Play for the Devil

Play for me, said he
Play for me well and I will set you free.

Tired was she of forever practicing scales
Tired was she of the crowd and their appreciative hails.
Tired was she of forever moving on to the next town.
Tired was she of having no roots, and never settling down.

Play for me, said he
Play for me well and I will set you free

Stunningly beautiful was she,
The top of her profession she was set to be.
Acclaimed and always the star of the show
The world at her feet up was the way she would go.

Play for me, said he
Play for me well and I will set you free.

Tempted, tempted was she
By dark cloaked figure who promised to set her free.
What would you want as payment she demanded to know
What would it cost to rest, from her shoulder’s this mantle to throw.

Play for me, said he
Play for me well and I will set you free.

What is your freedom worth to me
Let me think this over very carefully.
A moments silence then he said with a sneer.
Your talent young lady your nimble fingers my dear.

Play for me, said he
Play for well and I will set you free

Closing her eyes she thought for a while
The idea of freedom filled her head and made her smile.
I shall do it, I shall do it cried she
For she longed to be normal,she longed to be free.

Play for me, said he
Play for me well and I will set you free.

Fine he said as he took her violin and her bow.
He touched her hands and head then he bid her to go.
Of a sudden she was fearful, yet why she did not know.

Play for me, said he
Play for me well and l will set you free

I can’t, I can’t cried she
What have you done,what have you done to me.
Nothing that you did not ask me to do
Beware what you wish for, in case it comes true.

 

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The Crow Queen Grieves

Silently falls the snow ……. no words describe the sound of falling snow well, no words that I know. Lightly treads the crow queen. Blood red are her footprints like the petals of a rose. I don’t know why they are so and neither do the crows!

She been to visit the grave of her human lover, he who vowed to love her above all others. Sadly he had lied he had mistreated her and her smallest freedom had denied. He had paid for this with his life he had died at the talons of his crow wife.

She would never forgive the human kind, never again trust a man, her trust had almost cost her mind. Even so she felt grief’s pain and she visited  her husbands grave again and again. Her loving crows always accompanied her they always kept her in their care.

The humans knew of her visits and they drew their plans they wished to capture her and would reek revenge and watch her die at their hands.Yes we are a vengeful race, us humans duplicitous and two faced. God forbid that they catch her as again our name they would disgrace.

deviantart.com

A wiser older me.

When I was a younger me with my soul both blithe and free I closed my eyes so as not to see the things that would do harm to me. I would not believe that those who said they loved me could deceive. I refused to see that they would ever make me feel aggrieved.

I tried to bury my fears  but they had a way of resurfacing and demanding huge arrears! I then decided to drown my troubles but they had learnt to swim they floated up and waved to me and sent me trouble bubbles  in the wind!

I thought if I ran and refused to ever look back I’d have no time see the loving that I lacked. I hid behind my hands not realizing that my troubles were making plans they simply grew and grew and when they were big enough they attacked me anew!

Bound with lacy lies around my wrists and thighs, blindfolded by abuse I have long out lived my use. I struggle to be free this wiser older me.

google image

 

 

Did they grieve do they forgive

Did they know me, those tiny souls, did they grieve as they left, for me and their lives un -lived. I grieved for them though in those days to grieve for that loss was not done . Yet grieve I did for those souls lost that I had been gifted.

Had I done something wrong , was it something I moved or something I had lifted. I suppose I shall never know. It seemed so unkind that the first one was lost while I was out. In pub toilet, I was frightened and alone my husband and friends on the other side of the wall celebrating.  Was that soul as scared as me. God forgive me the inside of a toilet the first sight to see. I was mortified so guilty it was not even a shape so I flushed it away in fear. I bit on my lip to off set the pain I wanted to stop this but that was in vain. So I cleaned up the blood and painted my lips then tided my mascara smudges with my finger tips.

Hidden grief

The rest of the evening I sat and cried inside , “your quiet tonight is anything wrong ” I was asked  but of course I denied. I was gutted and hurt and slightly in pain  but so so empty inside. When we got home I shared my grief I was met with disbelief. Not of the facts but that I had  not said, well best not make  a fuss lets get you to bed.

It was not my fault the doctor said “natures way of clearing away anything that was not perfect. A practice run”. He was so bright and brisk ,off hand I was taken aback. Was nature so cruel so matter of fact. I had done nothing wrong he said, I needed more reassurance to assuage my guilt but he only suggest two days off work and a rest in bed.

Did that soul grieve did it  forgive me , I grieved for it for its soul and the life it did not see.

After the Christening of our first born , three  years later, I was exhausted and so hot, mind you it had been a lot of work and I had put in my all not being one to shirk. Things got worse and I knew at once what was happening to me. I did my best to get away from the visitors , the centre of attention was not what I wanted to be. We called the doctor when everyone had gone  he suggest I rest, with a young babe, come on!

I had lost one he told me  but the other was still there. I felt sorrow, grief  and guilt. For this to happen again it just did not seem fair. Try as I might I had only my self to blame I grieved  for a soul that my body had denied  life again. I thought I could  feel no worse but there was more to come, for a few days later I lost the other one .

A quick D and C will see you all right  you will be in hospital and out not even overnight. Yes that was true  and my body mended fast but the guilt for these souls was something that lasts.

Time is a great healer and I know that is true for life has given me plenty to do. I have three children and they are all boys they have given me hassle and they given me joys. I have had my hands full but they have all grown and flown, well. I remember my mother whispering to me “be glad with what you have and don’t fill your home with boys looking for a girl.” I knew she was right but back then it gave me no joy I felt a big hole created  by the tiny lost souls.

I have never discussed this in any depth till today, as when it all happened things like grief had all to be tucked away. I feel grief and guilt still, for the babies, there that  is the first time I have said that. But one question still remains with me till this day.

Did they know me, those tiny souls, did they grieve as they left, for me and their lives un-lived. I grieved for them though in those days, to grieve for that loss was not done . Yet grieve I did for those souls lost that I had been gifted, had I done something wrong.

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