I just Needed to share.

I try not to mention how I am feeling too often because … well I suppose that is how I was brought up. If asked how you are , you lie through your teeth. Even if you are on your last legs you smile and say “I am fine thank you.”

Yes I did include you all in the last stages of my withdrawal from neuropathic and morphine based painkillers ( the prescription ones that most doctors hand out like sweets to keep you quiet) I am now prescription painkillers free and for that matter over the counter pills free too.

I was an addict and withdrawal is very hard and painful but it can be achieved. There is a problem though and I do try to keep it to myself but here I am spilling it all out on to the page for you all to see. Not very stiff upper-lip you might say.

PAIN,that is the problem. Constant nagging and stubborn pain. It hounds me all day, it pokes me to remind me it there all night while I sleep and it notches up a level when I least need or expect it.

Those of you you who suffer with constant pain will know what I am talking about people like Claire Saul and her Blog PainPals she will know what I am talking about and her blog is most interesting do visit her. Also is Caz’s blog at Invisibly Me well worth a visit too.

Life is a trade off isn’t it I could live a half life like a Zombie drugged up to the eye balls lulled in to a false sense that the pain is numbed. ( It isn’t really eventually they do not work at all and you realise you are taking them just because you NEED them to feel normal) Or I can have my brain working to full capacity and find ways to cope with the constant pain.

I made the choice I gave up the pills and I cannot really ever take any of them again because I am an addict. I am afraid to even take over the counter painkillers encase I wind up hooked on them. Most days I cope but on days like today , I feel like shit. I am exhausted, in pain , shorted tempered, freezing and tearful. I am finding so hard to even write this blog but I will …I hope that someone out there might just need to know they are not alone.

Where am I going with this, I don’t really know but I just needed to get my feelings out there. I have been trying to get my poems into some sort of order because I would dearly love to get a book published this year, I even have a working title ‘ A Blogsworth of Poems ‘ I am plodding away at that but I have so little time as because the stupid pain slows me down everything takes so much longer.

Enough now no more moaning lets look at some positives. I had a great weekend, Saturday we visited a local brewery with friends and we could take Ruby too as it has a dog friendly bar called the Taproom. No we didn’t do a tour we had a fabulous BBQ lunch and tried out their interesting original beers. I also found a beautiful bluebell wood to take Ruby for a walk in. Sunday we were out with our youngest son and his two boys the eldest of who was 5 years old last Wednesday.

We had a pub lunch and we took M’s birthday presents and the Easter eggs for both boys along with us. It was delightful to have our eldest grandson announce That his birthday present was “Just what I wanted ” The joy of see the grandchildren really helped with the pain… maybe the fact that we had so much fun at the weekend is one of the reason I feel so tired ( you might say) … but the pain and tiredness are constant

I do lots of walking daily ( the advantage of having a dog! ) and Pilates twice a week and I am so much better than I was this time last year and a thousand times better than I was three years ago.

I am fine , hopefully tomorrow I shall be even better I have a lot to look forward  to. Next week is  Easter. The week after  I am going on a course  ( The Lord of  the Deep ) with the  Silent  Eye which I really looking  forward  too. I am also hoping  we  will see  more  of  the grandchildren. Then  June  brings  The  Bloggers Bash!

Life is  what  we make it  and  nothing  can last  forever… I hope ❤

Now  lets  have a happy  song . Love  you  all

 

Colleen’s 2019 Weekly #Tanka Tuesday #Poetry Challenge No. 123 #SynonymsOnly

This is my entry for Colleen Chesebro‘s Tuesday Tanka Challenge. The two prompts are words to use synonously are Meaning and Passion.

This week I have chosen the simple Tanka, I love the Tanka.

True desire for life

It consumes like a fire

Urging the senses

To devour and embrace

Lust for the definition.

Song Lyric Sunday: River/Stream/Creek/Brook

It is Sunday and so it’s time for another episode of SLS Helen Vahdati’s This Thing Called Life One Word at a Time Song Lyric Sunday. Brought to us by NewEpicAuthor

The prompt for this week is “River/Stream/Creek/Brook” and these are all pathways for water.

Rules and Pingback here

I have chosen one of my favourite songs by Carly Simon, Like a River. The song means a lot to me. In the song a daughter is talking to her dead mother. Telling her how much she misses her, how the family have coped with her passing and how they wish she was still with them .

My mum has been gone for over 30yrs but sometimes it still feels like yesterday. I agree with every word in this song it is so beautiful.

“Like A River”

Dear mother the struggle is over now
And your house is up for sale
We divided your railway watches
Between the four of us
I fought over the pearls
With the other girls
But it was all a metaphor
For what was wrong with us
As the room is emptying out
Your face so young comes into view
And on the back porch is a well-worn step
And a pool of light you can walk into

I’ll wait no more for you like a daughter,
That part of our life together is over
But I will wait for you, forever
Like a river…

Can you clear up the mystery of the Sphinx?
Do you know any more about God?
Are you dancing with Benjamin Franklin
On the face of the moon?
Have you reconciled with Dad?
Does the rain still make you sad?
Last night I swear I could feel you
Moving through my room
And I thought you touched my feet
I so wanted it to be true
In my theater there is a stage
And a footlight you can step into…

I’ll wait no more for you like a daughter,
That part of our life together is over
But I will wait for you, forever
Like a river…

In the river I know I will find the key
And your voice will rise like the spray
In the moment of knowing
The tide will wash away my doubt
‘Cause you’re already home
Making it nice for when I come home
Like the way I find my bed turned down
Coming in from a late night out.
Please keep reminding me
Of what in my soul I know is true

Come in my boat, there’s a seat beside me
And two or three stars we can gaze into…

I’ll wait no more for you like a daughter,
That part of our life together is over
But I will wait for you forever
Like a river…

I’ll never leave, always just a dream away
A star that’s always watching
Never turn away
We’ll never leave, always just a thought away
A candle always burning
Never turn away
The moon will hide, the tree will bend
I’m right beside you
I’ll never turn away

Lyrics from A to Z Lyrics

Here is another beautiful song about rivers this one is about lost love, mistakes and loneliness at Christmas. It is by another wonderful singer songwriter Joni Mitchell. I wish I had a River I could skate away on. Words in the video on this one .

Stream of Consciousness Saturday on Sunday.

Dominos

There

Standing

In neat rows

Prepared, waiting

For the hand of fate

To set them in motion

Toppling them out of control

Like ten pins hit by a giant bowel

In this life we are the Dominos

There is no escape that’s just how it goes.

—————

The above Etheree was brought to you, extremely late, as part of LindaGHill’s #SoCs. This week’s prompt was DOM. To be used as a suffix,prefix or part of a word. You choose you enjoy.

September Music 23

For the month of September I am going to choose a piece of music or song and write a poem or alternative version. Jane Dougherty is doing a September Stanza here. And Kat Myrman is doing September a poem a day Here.

Today’s piece of music is Landslide by Fleetwood Mac.

Here is my interpretation

Age brings more than just aches and pains

The hope is to have fewer losses and more gains

When you’ve climbed the mountain fate brings you down.

As you reach the summit the landslide brings you down.

Your body no longer seems your own

Your youth and vigour seem to have flown.

You just reach the pinicale of your life

You’ve been lover, mother, grandma and wife

When nature brings you to ground

And the landslide gets you down.

The story of your life can’t be changed

There is no going back to rearrange.

We all reach the Autumn of our time

We all tell ourselves all will be fine.

When nature brings you to ground

And the landslide gets you down.

August Stanza 28

It is August and so Jane is doing : a chain of images each one suggested by the last word in the preceding poem. They’ll be short, a single image of just a few lines. It will be interesting to see where it ends up by the end of the month.

Kat will be doing short 3,4, or 5 line poems no syllable counts of rhymes, starting with the word ‘August’ on the first day. The last word of the poem will be the first word of day two’s poem, and so on until the end of the month.

Finally I shall be doing all types of poetry but each poem will start with the last word in the preceding poem.

Today’s Poem is an SoC (a stream of Consciousness poem)

Life,

What is

Life, is it

Really as it

Appears to be or

Is it like a thousand

Grains of sand upon a beach

Washed and moved by the living tide

Lit by the sun, the moon and the stars

What is life, is it real or is it dream.

August Stanza 22

It is August and so Jane is doing : a chain of images each one suggested by the last word in the preceding poem. They’ll be short, a single image of just a few lines. It will be interesting to see where it ends up by the end of the month.

Kat will be doing short 3,4, or 5 line poems no syllable counts of rhymes, starting with the word ‘August’ on the first day. The last word of the poem will be the first word of day two’s poem, and so on until the end of the month.

Finally I shall be doing all types of poetry but each poem will start with the last word in the preceding poem.

Today’s poem is a Florescence.

A Florescence is a three line poem. The first and second lines have six syllabless and rhyme at the end. The third line had nine syllables, the sixth syllable rhymes with the end of the first two lines. The last word rhymes with the first word of the poem.

Life of Troy

Image from Pixabay

Life full and bouncy joy

As when Helen saw Troy

Her beauty won the boy, it caused strife.

Terza Rima .Life

Here is the entire Terza Rima, all 31 stanzas/ tercet. Please don’t forget to read Kat Myrman and Jane Dougherty‘s complete monthly offerings too.

Life… A Terza Rima,

I did not ask for this life,

It was alloted to me

I walk daily amid madness and strife.

🌹🌹

When a child too young to see

I blindly followed every rule

I was fitted with the ties that stop me being being free.

🌹🌹

I learned to read and write at school.

Yet they did not want me to think

I was bullied, pushed around, I was named a fool.

🌹🌹

I was weak, my armour full of chinks

But I strived to hide my fears

Paint on a smile hide the missing links.

🌹🌹

Ambition and aspirations came along the years

Despite opposition I grew wings

Layers form then gave my life tiers

🌹🌹

Dreams I had enough to throw to the winds
Hold on to them as I may they slipped away

Like so much detritus blown around the bins.

🌹🌹

Finding my identity made me strong and whole

I found my voice, written words my choice

As I strode toward my goal.

🌹🌹

I was teased but it didnt hurt, as I said that was my choice

No one was unkind no tears burned me

Quietly my flag of independence I unfurled and hoist.

🌹🌹

Married, they all said, your but a baby

I was determined though, afraid to be left alone

So the plans were laid, a start a bridal spree.

🌹🌹

Seventeen, and full of hopes ready to leave home

Sister’s, sewing, in-laws arranging cars, cakes, and bridesmaids

Such a lot to do, in a few weeks I shall have flown

🌹🌹

For a while all is bright and darkness fades

What the future holds I do not know

I am important for now I have the spotlight before it degrades

🌹🌹

The dress is silk and white oh! how it flows

We take our vows and mean forever

Our love so huge it burns and glows.

🌹🌹

And so our journey is begun joined by an invisible tether

Into our new life we blindly drive

Ignoring the pitfalls of life , newlyweds wrapped up in eachother.

🌹🌹

Young and happy to be alive

Learning lessons daily sharing our new life

We had to learn to grow and thrive.

🌹🌹

It was not easy being a wife

So many compromises to play

Still the love, in those days out weighed the strife.

🌹🌹

We had a girl who could not stay

Then a boy who nearly didn’t too

But he did and after a dicey start is with us to this day.

🌹🌹

We had to move down west to pastures new

Fresh start with baby on the way

Staying with in – law’s a tricky thing to do.

🌹🌹

Our home, with new babe out of hospital finally okay

Builders, sea gulls in the wilderness

Alone and unsure so much I was under stress and not okay.

🌹🌹

Two more babes refused to stay I was thin and depressed

Hubby worked away I was so alone

Then another baby on the way we moved away from the west.

🌹🌹

Back to London and my Mum’s home

Finding comfort in family and the old familiar

For most of that pregnancy I was not alone.

🌹🌹

At length we managed to secure a home, three quarters of an hour from Mum’s by car.

The previous owners had not left and it was pouring with rain

Screaming baby, soaked possessions but we had our own place again Ah!

🌹🌹

The years came and went and we all grew, good times, bad times in the frame.

I watched the boys grow and then ten years on another boy arrived.

Many things happen as a family grows and memories remain.

🌹🌹

I had some black times it was never easy but we all survived

As our family out grew our home so we bought a bigger house

Sometimes I just hid inside my head until my soul revived.

🌹🌹

I was often scared, letting myself be bullied, I acted like a mouse.

I lost my grip on ambition like sand it slipped through my fingers.

I felt so insecure, try as I might my fears I could not douse.

🌹🌹

Hubby suffered with stress , the kind that lingers

The boys grew and flourished they were so my life

Then we moved house again to our forever home .

🌹🌹

It’s never easy being a mother or a wife

It pushes you and stresses you to your limit

Being a mother is not easy either but it brings joy and meaning to your life.

🌹🌹

Years past, some alone but I coped no longer timid.

The boys grew into men I found myself again

We all need to grow and not be tied down.

🌹🌹

The boys have grown and flown but their roots here remain

Family ties get stretch and torn

Yet two staying close I really can’t complain.

🌹🌹

Twice I break my back, rue the day I was born

Second time I started to write

Words free me from prison I should of done it all along.

🌹🌹

Things may not be perfect, I did not ask for this life,

It was alloted to me

But I walk daily content amid madness and strife.

🌹🌹

Terza Rima Day 31. Life

This Month Kat Myrman has suggested a new theme for the daily poem—the Terza Rima, writing one stanza each day.
A terza rima consists of stanzas of three lines (or tercets) usually in iambic pentameter. It follows an interlocking rhyming scheme, or chain rhyme. This is where the middle of each stanza rhymes with the first and last line of the following stanza. There is no set length to this form, as long as it follows

I shall be joining Kat Myrman and Jane Dougherty in this challenge.

Life… A Terza Rima,

Things may not be perfect, I did not ask for this life,

It was alloted to me

But I walk daily content amid madness and strife.

~~~~~~~~~~
Installment 31 of Life for this month’s Terza Rima Daily Poem Challenge, one tercet at a time.

Terza Rima Day 30. Life

This Month Kat Myrman has suggested a new theme for the daily poem—the Terza Rima, writing one stanza each day.
A terza rima consists of stanzas of three lines (or tercets) usually in iambic pentameter. It follows an interlocking rhyming scheme, or chain rhyme. This is where the middle of each stanza rhymes with the first and last line of the following stanza. There is no set length to this form, as long as it follows

I shall be joining Kat Myrman and Jane Dougherty in this challenge.

Life… A Terza Rima,

Twice I break my back, rue the day I was born

Second time I started to write

Words free me from prison I should of done it all long.

~~~~~~~~~~
Installment 30 of Life for this month’s Terza Rima Daily Poem Challenge, one tercet at a time.