Why.

Why can it not be taken back

Erased lost removed,back tracked.

Why is it hanging still above my head

Stripping my soul, left unloved unfed.


Why can’t things be unwritten,unsaid

Screaming & kicking inside my head.

Too late it can’t be fixed

Too much pain thrown in the mix.

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Truth Wept as it Lied.

The light is blinding and white.

I try to take a step but I am frozen by fright.

What is there beyond the door,

We have all wondered and asked this before.

If fear is the enemy then who is by my side

I thought it was truth  but truth wept as it  lied.

There is something though, I feel a steadying hand

A voice  is telling me that all has been planned.

Tell me please, I start to cry,

Why did he leave me, why did truth lie?

I reach for the peace I long to hold,

It always eludes me and leaves me cold.

I tread carefully along the floor,

It always betrays me and creaks as I near the door.

Will I ever know the answer, will my fears ever fly,

I though truth was my ally but truth ,well, truth  lied.

I am tired now my strength is all spent

I look for hope but he also went.

I move forward  escape to gain

But  I am betrayed my efforts in vain.

My eyes are opened  my vision now cleared

I turn for support  but it ends as I feared.

If fear is the enemy then who is by my side

I thought it was truth  but truth wept as it  lied.

Dark Shadow

You enfold me in shadow sucking out the soul of me.

I strive to excel in your eyes, to let my spirit free.

You see no good where I stand.Only what hate  shows you.

You laugh at my efforts and criticize all I do.

 

Tell me I am obsessed and addicted  shout and bluster all you wish.

I have seen and heard  it all before, it is as predicted.

The tatters of my life like the rags clothing an old doll.

My soul has words yearning to be heard to make me whole.

 

That is why I write so these words can be free as a bird.

Why do you need to put me down,

Cast those looks at me and frown.

I spend no more time on my writing

Then you do when you are out doing your own thing.

 

My words need escape they need to sing.

You can scorn and chide me all you will,

Sap my strength exhaust me make me ill.

I shall write and I shall grow.

 

That which is inside me, is what I need to show.

Every time I have found an interest you find ways to set the blight in.

Too many times I have just given in

But no, not this time. I shall, endeavour to ignore your snipes

I shall use this gift and I shall earn my stripes.

 

But this means so much to me now I can’t let you win.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is an old poem  from  November 2011 slightly  reworked. 

Ring a Ring a Roses

Ring a ring a roses a pocket full of posies tisshu, tisshu we all fall down.

Where are the grown ups where are they today?

Away shooting each other leaving the little ones to play.

Where is your Mummy, where is your Dad?

They are not here, and that makes us feel sad.

 

Why do you crouch down like that, near the floor.

We are dodging the bullets and rockets when we hear them roar.

Is this shocking is this wrong

Surely this is something we should not allow to go on.

 

We speak from the warmth and safety of our home

But ducking and hiding from war is all these children have known.

 

Where are all the grown ups where are they today.

Ring a ring a roses a pocket full of posies tisshu, tisshu we all fall down.

Mummy is at work and Daddy is at war, far far away.

Why are you so wet has it rained today,

We have been playing with the hose pipe. Have you water spare to play,

There are children dying of thirst in the  world today.

Is this shocking is this wrong,

 

Surely this is something we should not allow to go on.

Are these children happy what will they say

When they get home will Mummy still be happy will Daddy still be away.

Ring a ring a roses and pocket full of posies tisshu, tisshu we all fall down.

Where are all the grown ups where are they today.

Sadly they are all connected fighting  each other in wars today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wrote  this twist on Ring a Ring a Roses  on 14/November/ 2011.

The original nursery rhyme is about  people who died of  the plague    or  not depending on your point of view.

I saw my version as a tale to show  the contrast  between  children  who  live  in a war zone  and those

who  live in, what  to  the children from the war zone  would  see as a charmed  life

I then  decided  to link  their fathers  as  the  protagonist  in the wars raging  around  the world.

World  leaders  and religious leaders  send  their  men and women  off to fight  these unending  wars.

God ( what  ever  you call him/her ) help us all.

I would also  like to direct  you to a post I read on Palestine Rose , I  then saw  the same post  reblogged  on John Coyote’s  blog .

FanFoFeb : Freedom… Please.

Tears are friends I know them well

They spend more time with me than I care to tell.

Harsh words are loud inside my head

They pound and pound as lie in my bed.

Lost and lonely I walk the line

Looking only to find what is rightfully mine.

Peace, is not too much desire.

I am exhausted by this hate, anger and fire.

It will consume me if I do not brake free soon.

I stand alone and cold and appeal to the moon.

I have followed this trail all my life

I have never been me , a mother yes and a wife.

I only ask for what is mine,

It is not too much to just ask for time.

Escape from the noise that is strumming in my brain,

I just ask for help ……………. freedom from pain.

Lonliness

Day breaks , silence is shattered the birds start to stir

Waiting on the branches for crumbs to be scattered.

Open the blinds put out the light

Unbolt the door set forth out of the night.

Out of the night towards the sun,

Life just goes on it does not grind screaming to a halt because you have gone.

It is not right it all feels wrong why does the world not mark your passing?

I want to scream to make them all see how deep my wound is. Why are you not here, I keep asking.

keep asking why did you go, my hands reach up to the sky,

I miss you so. My tears could fill an ocean blue, my lips still asking why.

So another day is here and I have fed the birds, put on my coat of lies.

Paint my face,  dry my eyes.

Check the clock walk the path leave the safety of the hearth.  

Again I take my place among them, surrounded by so many but I stand alone.

 I arrive at work and greet my friends and stay there until I can go home.

The phone the screen the printer, coffee cups and a break ….

I keep going on this endless road smiling, laughing but it’s all fake.

Smiling, laughing but it’s all fake. Home again and it is late.

I stayed out drinking for the emptiness here is what I hate.

The weekend is here tomorrow but I shall be busy so busy so I can hide from sorrow.

Friends for coffee, family for lunch out in the evening with a great bunch.

I cannot stop not even for a minute or I shall see the hole you left ….yes and I am in it.

For Lindy x

Brown Eyes

Big brown eyes, since a baby you have pull at the strings of my being.

Big  brown eyes, such secrets , such pain, What are you seeing ?

Big brown eyes such fear  and angst . What can I do to sooth you

Big brown eyes  what can I do to help? There must be something I can do.

 

I know it eats at you, I know it is gnawing at you even now

How  can I help, how can I protect you , mother you,  keep my  vow.

I held you tiny in  my arms  and told you I was there for you to rely on

I slept with you on  my chest but ready at a second to defend you from every wrong.

 

Brown eyes ….. sweet brown eyes why is it so hard

Brown eyes why , why is your life  marred

Brown eyes why can’t I now save you from all harm ,

Brown eyes I thought I could keep you safe in my arms

 

Now your grown and I have failed, I have not protected you

No I have failed, sweet brown eyes I have let you down, it’s true.

I see that  hunger  and the need in you, in your eyes

I swear I tried, and I try even now  to protect you from yourself

I love you Brown  eyes……………………

 

The Addict

You love them so, this they know, but how to respect that is something they don’t know.

There will always be the need for extra  money,

the excuse is always good somehow their requests are coated with honey.

They will sell their clothes and their belongings and if they can they will sell yours.

They have no conscience, until maybe after the act when it is too late  and they have time to think and pause.

Always they need , always they want . You will never sate their thirst.

The  need for the needle, the bottle or the gamble is ever present and that will always come first.

Hide your purse, hide the cash, hide the car keys or you will loose them.

Then when that happens  they will cover up and lie and swear on your life.

After the lies comes remorse.

The food can go from the cupboards, presents and toys too,

furniture, clothes nothing is sacred they have no choice the demon in them drives them to.

They loose care and love for family and friends.  They will take from anyone,

anything  they will break your heart and it never ends.

Is there hope, well there is some, but so much hard work must be done.

Recovery is hard so very hard, even when they are counting the days, weeks or years

you never can relax you are never out of the woods.

The thought of the demons’ return is ever here, an ever present fear..

You love them so, you help, you sort them out time and time again.

They will bleed your bank dry and bleed your heart  dry they will cause you so much pain.

With any request for money the fear is always there,

do they need it for what they say or are they off the rails again….. OH! if only I did not care.

Truth wept

photo credits google images

The light is blinding and white. I try to take a step but I am frozen by fright. What is there beyond the door , we have all wondered and asked this before.

If fear is the enemy then who is by my side I thought it was truth  but truth wept as it  lied.

There is something though I feel a steadying hand and a voice that is telling me that all has been planned.Tell me please, I start to cry,why did he leave me, why did truth lie?

I reach for the peace I long to hold, it always eludes me and leaves me cold. I tread carefully along the floor, it always betrays me and creaks as I near the door. Will I ever know the answer, will my fears ever fly, I thought truth was my ally but truth ,well, truth  lied.

I am tired now my strength is all spent I look for hope but he also went. I move forward,  escape to gain but  I am betrayed, my efforts in vain. My eyes are opened  my vision now cleared I turn for support  but it ends as I feared.

If fear is the enemy then who is by my side I thought it was truth  but truth wept as it  lied.

Hush Little Baby

Can’t you stop that child crying he is doing my head in! He goes on and and on incessant crying there’s no bloody peace and that smell gets in to your skin.

Shut up! Shut up!! will you shut up your driving him up the wall. You scream, he nags the blame’s always laid at my door. You won’t eat you won’t sleep shut up I don’t know what to do at all! Stop, Stop my head hurts , now look I’ve knocked you to the floor.

Be quiet, be quiet, ssh! he really needs his rest . He has to be up up for work he doesn’t realize I am doing my best. Here drink this bloody bottle ..what now is it too hot ! Okay, okay if you don’t want to feed you can stay there in your cot!

Be quiet, please please be quiet will you settle now , stop stop !! If you don’t let me change this nappy I just won’t bother …….. now. OH! for goodness sake will you stop that noise why can’t you be like other babies bundles of cooing joys?

ARRRRRGH! I can’t take it any more shut your bloody noise stop, stop I am sick of you………… there  that shut you up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Covering up her baby the young woman walks away, silence ,golden silence she has not had that for days. Memories flood in to her head, her mother screaming at her, screaming in her face and being hungry and cold in her bed.

The vows she made the love she craved, the mistakes she’d said she’d never make. OH! no she’d been just like her mother again she’d shouted at and hurt the babe. But what was she to do. She has no idea of what to do with a baby, three of them in this squalid, two room flat, living hand to mouth would drive anyone crazy.

She goes back in the room the baby is silent still. Yet he does not look right …. something does not look good is he breathing ? It is hard to see in this light. Bending down she picks him up …ah! yes at least he is breathing . Gently now and quietly she takes him into their room her boyfriend’s asleep  now she prays that neither will stir for any time soon.

There is dirty washing everywhere, the cupboards are bare of proper food she sits there hugging baby tight ( too tight) silver light from the TV flickers and to it she is glued.

Where is the help these children need where is the help they were promised. It is quiet now but that will not last, will someone take away their baby and will these older children be admonished . Will some one end the circle of abuse.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another Poem for Child Abuse Awareness Month

 

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