Caught in the Webb

As each day slides through the window

Pouring itself onto the carpet below

I close my eyes and pray for sleep

That will not come, fear begins to creep.

From my soul it spreads about

Clouding rational thoughts out

Where did it all begin to fall apart

Leaving me with a broken heart.

Trapped in a spiders webb

Watching normality start to ebb

Out of reach and out sight

I struggle with the day, and dread the night.

Photo from Pixabay

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Withdrawal . Nearly there?

I have been telling you all, about (I hope) the last few weeks of weaning myself off of Gabapentin. It’s a neuropathic painkiller. I have been on it for over eight years I have weaned myself down from four times six hundred mgs a day to one hundred mgs twice a day. With no great help from the doctors who just want to hand them out like sweets to keep me quite. This week I am altenating between one hundred mgs morning and night one day and just one hundred grams in the evening on the alternate day. It is hard,harder than I thought. This last part is so hard I just want to reach for the pills. So you guys can help me by listening to me writing it out.

A big thank you for baring with me.

Well I have not said anything about how the withdrawal has been going for a while. So I thought I let you all know how things are going.

My mood is very low, I feel like crying most of the time so I do have to fight it. Everything upsets me, the tone of hubby’s voice, TV , adverts, reading blogs, writing blogs..you get the picture.

Pain, I am in a lot of pain , I am determined to fight it and am using every weapon in my Armoury to do so… But it is constantly there.

Exhaustion I am way past tired! Anxiety levels are very high, temper short! Spiders on and off. Sniffing, it’s driving me mad. I did think this would be the easy part.
Enough no more negatives. I am still standing, I am down to 100mgs of Gabapentin every other evening, from 2,400gms a day. This has taken me two and a half years to achieve.

The weekend was hard, a friend was ill on Friday evening and I was at her house until 1am , then Saturday I spent the morning with her at the hospital. Thankfully is okay she now but the sitting around did nothing for my pain and stress levels.. I am getting good at hiding these though.

Wednesday we went to London for Prime Minister’s Question Time. It was very interesting and the weather was gorgeous. But the train journeys and sitting in very cramped conditions for the PMQs for over an hour was painful and stressful.

Hubby did get a little miffed with me because he said I was ratty, miserable and a tad awkward. He took a photo of me on the train going home…. I do look “miserable” but I did try. I certainly did not complain.

I was actually tired and in pain. But hey it had been a long day enjoyable but long.

I survived.

Yesterday and today hubby been staying at our eldest flat on the south coast, helping him decorate it so he can sell it. I have done things at my own speed so I am feeling little less anxious.

The weekend looms and I know it will be busy. I am getting there but it’s harder than I thought. Hey ho I am nearly there!

Friends tell me I doing great at that I look okay … I just wish I felt okay.

Thank you for listening. 💜💜💜💜

Christmas Cheer.

See the reflection in the Christmas ball

Does it tell the truth does it open up and show us all?

The presents around the tree are

They really exactly what you see?

Is everyone as happy as they appear,

Are we all relaxed and full of good cheer.

Did the food all get to the table without a hitch

Did everyone get on all day with out thinking someone is a bitch.

Are grannie’s jumpers really brill? Did your sister’s mince pies make you ill.

Do you really need another drink ,

No don’t just chuck those glasses in the sink!
If you are not happy, don’t tell me today

Because Christmas is supposed to be special and so all has to swept up tidy and hidden away.

The drunk can still beat his wife

Uncle nobby  can rob a young child of their peaceful life.

Nothing changes nothing ends,

Peace and quiet does not descend.

The poor are still poor and hungry

The irritable are still  brutally  angry

Sadly all the bad things do not go away

Just because it’s Christmas Day.

Waving and drowning!

Image Found Here

Hi everyone  I know we all have stress and busy lives but I am so behind!! All I can say is I am doing my best to catch up!! 

Be patient I am ploughing through 💜😉💜

Out Damn Spot.

Today  a grease stain was found on the sofa😱. It was not caused by me or hubby but a guest. Personally I would have left it until tomorrow and used the talc powder remedy. But hubby is impetuious. …. Now it is worse. To destress I have written three Haiku.

                 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stain on the leather

Out, out damn spot, it won’t go.

It’s there forever.

It’s hard to believe

How much this made hubby grieve

Stress making me sieve!

Damn, damn greasy stain

Here now to stay what a pain

HUBBY! Leave it now!

Christmas Fear

Everyone  is  rushing  here  and  rushing  there

Yet I  feel  empty  and  sad  and  just don’t care .

The  Christmas  spirit  has  passed  me by

Things  are  happening  that make  me want  to cry.

Image  found  here 

 

I feel  the  dark  dog  creeping up on  me

I am scared. trouble  ahead is  all I see.

An unguarded word  is all it can take

And  the  thin  veil of  joy  will crumble  and break.

 

Please let me  find  a quite  and  safe  place

Let  me  hide  and  cover  my  face.

The  knots in  my  stomach  begin to tighten.

Here comes  the black  dog  and I am frightened

 

 

Image  found here 

Nightmare laptop!!

Hi I am very embarrassed !! I scheduled today’s Song Lyric Sunday for today and K’Lee’s cosmic photo challenge for tomorrow consecutively!! I know I did it correctly I know I did . Well even  though the Song  Lyric Sunday went up on Sunday the date still said the 3rd Dec and instead of the comic photo going up tomorrow it is up today. 

So much to being organised when busy! All I can do is apologise!! I stomp off in an embarrassed huff!! 

willow xxxx

Monday: An Acrostic Poem

Manic thoughts slowly stir,timeless fogs yield

Only  you can stand  and fight on this  battlefield

No one else  will stand  your  corner  or fly  your  flag in disarray

Day will break  whether or  no you open your eye

Awake  face  your demons, scream at  them make  them fly.

Yell,rant it  will still be here, in all its horror. Another Monday.

Monday

 

 

Controlled

Locked  in, no escape, I can hardly  breath  the hold is  so  tight

Which  is  worse, hard  to  tell,  the  stifling days  or  sleepless  nights.

Every move I  make  is blocked, walls built  so high  I cannot  scale.

I try  to  brake  the  chains   but  they  are  too strong  I  fail.

Trapped

If we were having coffee: MIL, Physio,Stress,

If we were having Coffee: I would  remind  you  that  there  are lots of  other  coffee mornings  all shared  and organized  By  Diana  and  Gene’O  over at,Part time monster

Do join in

Come on  in  it is nice  to  sit  and  have a  chat  after  all  the  hustle  and  bustle  of  the past  few days.   I  can  still entertain  you  all  with tea  and coffee  from all over  the world not to mention all our cakes  and muffins  and  as Paul  calls  them sweets! Every single  one  is  calorie  free! Plus of course  we now have spirits  and liquors  to warm the coldest of  you.

cakes 

If  we are  having  coffee :  Okay  I  shall have  to  start  by  apologizing  for  being  late  this  week. But  it has  not  been a  good  day, or  a brilliant  week  for  that  matter. Today  I  am  afraid  you  will  all have  to  get  yourselves  comfy  and  help  yourselves  to a  drink  and  while you  are  at  it  could  someone  get  me  a  strong   black  coffee.

You  see I  am  holed up  here  on  the  sofa  with  my  leg up, with  an  ice pack! … Why I hear  you  ask, an  ice pack? Well if  you  are  all in possession  of  a hot  drink  and  something  to  eat I  shall explain!

I have  a  very  painful knee, I  am  waiting  for  physiotherapy  on  the NHS   to  treat it   but  the pain  has  got  so bad  that right  now I  am in  the  middle of  private  treatment   because  I  am desperate. I had  my  first  appointment  Tuesday, the  physio  after  asking  loads  of  questions  investigated  my  knee, found  the  pain OUCH! pulled  me  about  for  a  while after  which  she  used  some ultra sound on  the  knee, then strapped  me  up and  asked  me  to  RICE  = Rest, ice, compress and  elevate until  Thursday…. all of  which  I  did. I  had  to  return  on  Thursday when  she  removed the strapping, gave  me  some  more ultra sound  treatment  and  she  also  gave  me  some  exercises  to  do .I have  to  carry  on  with  the  rice  and  return  again  next Thursday !

 

If  we are  having  coffee :  I would  ask  you  if  you  need  anything  else?   What  else  have  we  done  this  week, we have  been  very  busy  this  week  visiting  the  MIL( Mother in  law)  and  also having her  over  here  to visit. Friday  we  took her  to  see  the Hematologist, Oncologist. Well  as  we already  knew  the  Lymphoma  was back  but the  good  news  is  that  the  cancer has  not  spread  and  is  just in  one place  from  the  neck  to  the  shoulder. The Dr. offered two options no treatment prognosis approximately 6 months to live or Antibodies and Chemo. Antibodies and Chemo is best option so she has gone for that. The  Dr seemed positive that treatment would slow the cancer down and could give her a couple more years of quality life she explained this would be a milder treatment to avoid nasty side effects, considering MIL will be 96 years old in two months we think that that is a very positive outcome. The MIL was very pleased with the prognosis though now she is very up and down with emotions. I am not surprised with all the worry of the last few weeks she is bound to be so!

Blue sky  thinking

If  we  were having  coffee: I would  tell that  as I have  had  to  rest  my  knee  we have  not  really  done  much  this  weekend! so  there is  nothing  really  to  report!

OH!  Yes  we  have  finally  got  our  new Fridge  freezer  into  the  cupboard  made  just  for it in  our  new  kitchen! Now  we  have  the  work tops  sorted,  the  plinth  heater and  fridge  freezer  in  place I  think  we can say  we  are  finally  done  it  has only  taken  us  since  the  beginning  of  October!!

need coffee

I have  been  busy  keeping up  with Love Is In Da Bog  organised  by  Just fooling  around  with Bee  Imagine  a whole  fortnight done  already!

If we  were  having  Coffee:  I would  have  to  say  we  are  all  sill  waiting  patiently   for  our  dear  Paul  Curran   to  rejoin us here at  the  coffee  share   but  until he is  well enough  and up  and  running again  we  shall  have  to  bide our  time!

For  now  everyone  Be  well  and  happy!

If we were having Coffee Original idea  from parttimemonster.

And of course  the

IF WE WERE HAVING COFFEE:  WEEKEND COFFEE SHARE

over at Part Time  Monster  and Gen’O’s Love  you  all

Coffee Now