Shut out.

Shut out

Lost am l

In this dark tunnel

Without hope

Bleak heart full

Of much regret and sadness

No hope left for me.

ūüĖ§ūüĖ§ūüĖ§

Joy denied

Shut out in the cold

No entry

Just exiled

There’s no chance of redemption

My soul is not free.

Nano Poblano : Day 29. If I never

If I never  saw  you again? I would not die.

There would be nothing I’d want to see. I would cry.

If I never  heard  your little voice? It would not be of  my choice.

There’ll music, speech and birdsong. Yet nothing to make ¬†me rejoice.

 

So  full of  hopes  and dreams, for you was I

I hoped  to spoil  you, teach you, love you  then watch you fly.

I may not  witness all this now, it is true.

Please believe  me, to not see you, is not  what I want to do.

 

If I never  held  your hand again. It would cause  me pain

Photos  and second hand  news are not the same.

I shall carry  my  memories with me all the time

I shall savour  them as a glass of of vintage wine.

 

Let me tell you now, though  you may never see this page

I pray all this will pass and something will dissolve the ‘Adults’rage.

Watching  you from afar, keeping  you in mind, praying all will be well.

I shall pray every night  for sense to win out, and end this hell.

If ¬†I never………..

 

TEAM Mark 

 

Swing From The Chandelier!

Dear all I am so sorry ¬†for slipping off ¬†the radar ¬†for a few days. I believe I mentioned ¬†the old black ¬†dog ¬†of depression is stalking me again. ¬†Well as is always ¬†the way ¬†when he is lucking in the shadows ( and he is a ” he” ¬†even though ¬†he is vicious ¬†enough ¬†to be thought of as ¬†a bitch ..male ¬†dog ¬†he is!) ¬†

As usual I digress, wat I was saying ¬†is as is always ¬†the way ¬†I get ¬†lost in email and overwhelmed ¬†by the amount of ¬†posts I receive . This only ¬†compounds my feelings of panic ¬†and uslessness and I usually ¬†end up writing ¬†a whining post ¬†like ¬†this! Anyway here ¬†are the facts I am swamped, drowning ¬†and panicing, all I can is ¬†apologise and draw a line in ¬†the email ¬†and hit ¬†delete. I will as I always ¬†do ¬†catch up ¬†with ¬†all of ¬†you ¬†because I want to ¬†and I do so love ¬†all your work so please ¬†be patient ¬†and don’t give up on me.¬†

 

Now  strange  as it is I should  be bubbling over  with excitement  because to all outward appearence I have had a good weekend . Sadly  the black dog  does not give a shit.  It has been very hard  work to keep calm and have a smile on my face.  I have tried honestly  and I think I am getting away  with it  but  boy it is hard. 

Saturday ¬†was lovely our youngest son and his wife ¬†and their beautiful son ( a ¬†magical 7weeks and 5days old) came to visit us ¬†and join us ¬†for dinner. I cannot ¬†believe ¬†how ¬†proud ¬†and blessed ¬†and even happy ¬†it ¬†makes me feel ¬†to see this little ¬†family ¬†starting out on their life’s journey. I have to ¬†push all the fears that ¬†float ¬†to the surface in me on their behalf! Yes ¬†that bad ¬†boy ¬†in the corner ¬†even gouges at my insides ¬†when I should ¬†be bursting ¬†with joy. ¬†I digress yet again , they came and it was lovely I got lots of ¬†cuddles ¬†and ¬†I was informed on the best ways to A How ¬†to hold ¬†a baby, B How ¬†to get a baby off to sleep, and many other things ¬†that I thought I knew ¬†but obviously ¬†have not idea about. However ¬†did I bring ¬†our ¬†three ¬†boys up?? I ¬†have ¬†no illusions ¬†no doubt I was just ¬†as ‘well informed’ and opiniated in my time as a young ¬†mum and my husband too as ¬†a new dad!

I was amazed and delighted  at  how much  our  little grandchild  has grown and he now has focus  in his eyes  so when he gave me a craft smile I knew it was not just wind. The feeling of cuddling a new baby  especially  if it is your first  grandchild is  beyond  compare! Even so that  black  dog  was watching  me from the corner!

 

My husband  is not very impressed  with me  he is  sick of me I think! I seem to think  completely differently  from him  and right now  most things I say  are answered with a scorn  and incredulity  that  cuts  like a knife. He is convinced  that I am loosing it  and  going slowly  into another world ..he thinks I am showing signs of dementia. He also say I spend far too much time on my laptop! I am not I just think in a completely  different way to him  and so what if I get the wrong  end of a stick  when I am feeling stressed so what  anyway! It just  feeds that dog  in the corner.

Sunday  was not so good  had his mother  round  she has never liked  me and delights in baiting  me and goading me into an arguement  I spent  her time with us biting my tongue , smiling and making lots of cups of tea! There is a lot  of hassle involved  in this  but I shall not go into it here!

 

I have just noticed ¬†that I have slipped out of italic print ¬†and I have not the energy ¬†to rewrite the above ¬†so please accept ¬†my apologies we are staying ¬†as we are now! … Digressing again. Well my ¬†husband was doing a favour ¬†for his ¬†mother, who does not appreciate it or ¬†him at ¬†all, caught ¬†a ladder on the boot of ¬†his new car ( ¬†a car ¬†he has wanted ¬†all his life ¬†and only ¬†now ¬†that we have no children ¬†to ferry ¬†around and enough money to have the odd ¬†mad wish come true ) well of course he was upset …it all went over her head , Oh! dear ¬†she had ¬†commented ¬†and then proceeded to compare ¬†this ¬†with spilling ¬†nail varnish ¬†on a new ¬†dress many years ¬†back!! Comments ¬†like that ¬†take ¬†no heat out of a situation ¬†like that! ¬†Later on that evening afte ¬†he had returned from taking her ¬†home I went to make him a coffee. The coffee machine, ¬†when I moved it set off ¬†chain reaction, all the cookery books ¬†fell like dominos ¬†and in slow motion I watched a a huge ¬†and heavy glass vase ¬†fall from the worktop and smash into a thousand ¬†pieces. My huband ¬†flew into a torrant ¬†of shouting ¬† mainly ¬†fuelled by his uncaring mother ¬†and as usual ¬†I got ¬†the brunt of it! But hey he could ¬†not of ¬†made ¬†me feel any worse ¬†than I already was or am! It was just a smashing ¬†end to a fraught and walking on eggshells day.

Today  we are off to a wedding I only  know  the bride and groom vaguely  have met  them once , my  husband  used to work  with  her  and she is a lovely  woman! The weather is dull and wet, my  husband  has woken up depress  mainly  about the way his mother never shows  any  care for him  or gratitude ( we are the only ones in the family  who take her out  have her round weekly, have her at all high  days and holidays, sort  her house out  for her  and on and on  while the ther two siblings and their families are thought more of and this is rubbed in our faces!! _ )

OMG I am digressing again …anyway I have found a great song ¬†by Sia ¬†called “Chanelier ” it is a wonderful ¬†song , the subject is ¬†very dark ¬†it is about ¬†teenage and early 20s/30s ¬†binge drinking ¬†and drug ¬†taking . Okay I am no teenager and I have never done drugs or ¬†been a binge drinker ¬†but today ¬†the lines ( ¬†and here ¬†we will go back to italics!) ¬†” One ¬†two three drink , one , two ¬†three drink, I’m gonna swing from the the Chandelier, the Chandelier, I’m going to act like tomorrow dosen’t esist, doesn’t exist!” I just ¬†feel it applies ¬†to how I am feeling ¬†and the young ¬†girl who dances ¬†and I do mean dances out ¬†the words in the video ¬†also expresses perfectly ¬†how stressed ¬†and trapped ¬†and manic I feel under this calm, controlled ( laughs like a maniac) exterior.

No doubt I shall behave  like a lady!  and  yes I did notice  that I did not go  into italics   for the lyrics! Hey ho!  I am introuble again..OH!  yes I spend too long on the laptop  and that is helping to addle my brain?? I shall go and shower before I forget where the bathroom is ans while I am at I had best throw  that dog  a bone  so he might leave me for a few hours!!

Love to you all I am doing my best. Right lets hide the pain and paint on  my smile  ..anyway  here are I feeling  by Sia!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Journal For Poetry Challenge#7 25/03/2012

Death a poem
by William Butler Yeats

 

Nor dread nor hope attend
A dying animal;
A man awaits his end
Dreading and hoping all;
Many times he died,
Many times rose again.
A great man in his pride
Confronting murderous men
Casts derision upon
Suppression of breath;
He knows death to the bone
Man has created death.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In this poem I see “Death” stalking the battle fields and war torn villages and towns. Eagerly reaping up the dead. No respect for age or sex he just collects them all. Not even the animals are safe from him.

In fact the beginning  lines of the poem suggest that there is no hope for man nor beast . There is no hope, for man created war and in doing so they opened the gates of hell to let an unstoppable killing machine/ monster into our world.

Sadly I agree ever since the first tribes picked up stones or branches against each other war has been around in one guise or an other ‘hot’ or ‘cold’ modern or ancient…………………..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

William Butler Yeats 13 June 1865¬†‚Äď 28 January 1939) was an Irish poet and playwright, and one of the foremost figures of 20th century literature. A pillar of both the Irish and British literary society.Yeats had a life-long interest in mysticism, spiritualism, occultism and astrology. He read extensively on the subjects throughout his life, became a member of the paranormal research organisation.

He  was born and educated in Dublin but spent his childhood in County Sligo. He studied poetry in his youth and from an early age was fascinated by both Irish legends and the occult.

Yeats proposed to 25-year-old Georgie Hyde-Lees (1892‚Äď1968), whom he had met through Olivia Shakespear. Despite warning from her friends‚ÄĒ”George¬†… you can’t. He must be dead”( he was 51yrs she¬† accepted,)¬† and the two were married on 20 October. Their marriage was a success, in spite of the age difference, and in spite of Yeats’ feelings of remorse and regret during their honeymoon. The couple went on to have two children, Anne and Michael. Although in later years he had romantic relationships with other women and possibly affairs, George herself wrote to her husband “When you are dead, people will talk about your love affairs, but I shall say nothing, for I will remember how proud you were.”

Yeats may of had affairs after his marriage but had only had two before firstly with Maud Gonne and secondly with Olivia Shakespear.

More information on W.B Yeats can be found at  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/W._B._Yeats

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Poetry Challenge #7 is to create a journal of links and your reactions to poems by established (living or dead poets.) Details are here.  Example response is here. Mr. Linky for Challenge #7 is directly below:

The conversation

I like you car, is it new? I have only had it a day or is it two. I love the colour is it blue? Well they call it Azure. Do you know the road well ? Yes I have been down it a thousand times for sure, it is the road that leads right to my door.

they call in Azure blue

Did you get all your presents the shops are such a crush? I did, I did I even got my sister that amazing eye make up brush. And the festive food is that all in hand? Yes and a good thing too as I am cooking this year as planned .

Look who are all those people talking to the police? OMG That is my family they’ve¬† all come out even brought my baby niece. They may of heard the noise of the crash my husband does look pale why is he acting so rash.

I think I had better talk to him before he starts to cry!¬† No, hang on my friend you have to come with me……….. WHY?¬† You have crashed the car my love and you are just about to die. Surely you are joking I am standing here with you, sorry it has been good to chat but I have so much to do.

Tell me what is the last thing you remember before our chat? Well I was concentrating very hard because of all the snow then I had to swerve to miss the cat. It all went black¬† and then, I just don’t know.

OH! my what a commotion they are all in tears and right outside the garden gate the neighbours have not had so much to look at for years. Help I feel so cold and so very weak , is that me inside the car, I just look asleep.  Come now my friend I am with you now at your end.I shall guide you now that your earthly life is at an end.

Will they all recover will they manage without me . Don’t worry they will all cope, you can even watch and see.Now just relax and lean your head on me, I have seen you’ve always been kind and you always talk with me.¬† I really do not want to leave them are you really sure.¬† I am my dear friend now come with me just through this open door.

The chance meeting.

No words

I had no idea what he would¬† say when at the checkout I stop to pass the time of day. How are you doing , good that’s okay and¬†¬† Ellen I heard she was¬† unwell is she okay .

He told me, my friend , his dear wife had only a finger hold left on life.There was no hope they have been told. His fortitude and his daughters face made my blood run cold.

I could see the pained look on his daughters face, both of them trying not to cry I’d reach out but this was not the place. I could say nothing he had not heard before. I told him this, then a look of relief in his eyes I saw.

It would not have help for me to have laboured the point, or to have said any more. It was clear he knew how I felt, and he would of  heard it all before.

They finished packing their shopping and as they left they promised to give her my love leaving me lost and bereft.

I hate Cancer it is so cruel it attacks anyone be they wise or a fool.  It has no respect for those who are good and kind it tears up your body and it slaughters your mind. If  I could kill it I really would it is wicked and bad and evil and does no one any bloody good.

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