No escape

ooo2

escape

escape

escape

I thought I had escaped at last the clinging ties that hold me fast. I though with age things would relent and all the harsh things you’d said were just not meant.So many years I have carried the fears that have weighed me down and reduced me to tears.

How long is this path I have to walk while all my short falls on your, black board, you chalk. I just think I see the light and as towards it, my way I fight. You watch me nearly reach my goal then you scoop me up and drop me in your goldfish bowl.

How long can this torment last? When will you loose these chains that have me in their grasp.Why must each day be another trial that sees me fail , stupid, lazy , ignorant and vile.Why must it always be your way, why must I adhere to everything you say. You march on your eyes and ears tight shut and I am dragged in your wake all bruised and cut.

I am tired and and weak of heart lost for words, by your demons I am  slowly torn apart. After all these years I cannot melt your icy heart but I guess I new that from the start. How can I fight these devils, they are yours not mine but still they are killing me as around my heart they entwine.

 

WHY

Hi I wrote this in November of last year. Today I am feeling tired and cold and if I am honest very low. This poem of mine came into my head so I revisited it. I keep thinking that I have moved on and that he has too but then another kick from the gods of fate comes resounding into the small of my back and I open my eyes and see nothing has changed nothing at all.

I have changed about two words, they probably make no difference to the poem but I needed to change them. A little tweakette. Oh! that we could do that with life. The keys at the end of the poem are very symbolic to me. I feel locked up, trapped in a cell. Yet to the world I present this smile, “I can do ” appearance. What a joke that is I feel hardly capable of standing today.

Okay that is enough,I have subjected you all to more than you need to know about my bleeding heart and life so lets wipe the blood from the page and hope for a cheeky chirpy next post…… yer right!! ūüė¶

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHY?

Just how do you do it time after time.Why do I let you do this to me, there is no reason or rhyme.  It makes no sense, why do you tear up this life of mine. Do you have no sense of occasion do you not even care, have you no feelings left for me, do you even need me there.

photo credits vanilla.wordpress.com

I think I must be stupid I think I must be mad to let you carry on the way you do, it is all so wrong, it just makes me feel so bad..

Why do you want to live two lives it surely it is not on. You are missing most weekends, sometimes weeks at a time and that is surely wrong. I have dodged the questions asked about you from family and friends I hate to lie for when that starts it never, never ends.

People take their sides they do not realize that they have, they make a choice which means  different rules  apply. The first time I was shown this my heart was turned to stone. I thought that I would die.

This really was a shock to me, I am a bit stupid  you see, the fact that life is like that was staring at me glaringly.

It has been so many years now but time has not made any of the pain recede. In fact time makes no difference  the pain just grows indeed. It has turned into acceptance which is a bitter seed.

Why have I taken this all for so long, why when I know it is all wrong. Family yes, appearances no,I lost all pride long ago . For my comfort maybe, I need help I need someone even if they¬† don’t want me.

WHEN WE LET GO WE ARE FREE

REMEMBERING

photo credits google images

In the early evening after glow I relax and let my feelings flow. I let my mind reach for the stars and imagine a long lasting kiss to be reacquainted with joy and bliss.

Stretching out my arms remembering your charms. Feeling the warmth that you aroused in me, thinking of the strength you give me that sets me free.

The rain beats a dance against the window pain, the leaves on the tree wipe the rain from the glass just like tears that fall again and again. It reminds me that all things must pass.

I can see the empty street as the light begins to fade and the street lamps come to life just a fairy glade. The raindrops glint like silver as they fall through the yellow light towards the pavement disappearing like life into the darkening  night.

Together yet Apart

p

photo credits swis-oecansApart.jpg

I tell it it how I see it , which is exactly what you do too. But why is it that we are at odds in everything we do. I feel afraid to speak my mind to tell you how I feel for fear that you will explode and in temper out of control reel . Even the simplest thing can set you off on a venomous roll.

I say a simple thing about our children who we love? You feel I am siding with them against you and act like the sky is falling down on us from above.  We brought them into this world, they did not ask to be born but God help them if they do not hold your views or say something you deem wrong. Your temper and your venom  make them their birth  mourn. As for me such venom you can hurl my way.

We stand together yet firmly apart I love you deeply but you regularly break my heart. I don’t know how we’ve lasted it’s been a rocky road you’ve led me. You have not always been there you have another woman are you as harsh with her. Well do you treat her the same or don’t you? Hang on I no longer think that l care.

Too Much

Too much enough

The shouting stopped,at last. The phone flew across the room he walk past me, in his wake, gloom. The door slammed and the noise of feet receded upon the stairs. On the landing another  door bangs. On my necks electric hairs.

The grief attacks my heart the pain constricts and feeds upon my soul. Pointless to reach out for his mind is as made up as those slammed doors, between us an immeasurable hole.

Why had the phone rung, why had their argument begun, I was not party to the words I was not involved yet my name was bandied,  promises, let downs,and  money, as usual all left unsolved.

Some how the tension had been building all evening I know damn well the phone call was not the beginning just the trigger . It is always the same eggshells to traverse, walking on glass, fear of a row, that is my universe. Why does it happen why will it not stop. I bargain with God I plead until I drop. It is all pointless though, so my spirits drop.

I try to please him his ego I stroke but there is is only so much you can do for such a bloke. I am always in the wrong even if I am not involved it is true.Tell me then what can one do when every fucking thing is always down to you! No matter which of them upset him it always  me who has to carry the can they have all up and left so it is all down to me when the shit hits the fan.

It is late now and I am too tired I think I shall go to bed before any more bad things  start to stink. I pray every day and I pray every night could may the next day be less of a fight.

Haiku Together but Alone.

The beach was empty like our hearts.

Our feeling ripped into tiny parts.

The wind was bitter just like you.

 

Wednesday Poetry Challenge #5

I have chosen the end theme to a sitcom written by Victoria Woods. The series is set in the kitchen of a canteen in a factory. With wonderful full blown characters all completely miss matched but all clinging together by friendship and love . Blundering through all the hard times life can throw at them. Victoria Woods is a wonderful writer she knows people , she can get inside them and she knows what is in their minds and hearts. Anyway I am not writing about Victoria¬† but I am writing about these wonderful lyrics that she has written. To my mind these lyrics are as wonderful as any words penned by the best “Poet” in the world.

One second she has us smiling and laughing then as the credits go up for the last time she hits us with:

drops of water wear the stone away

Getting up, getting out, getting on, getting going,
Wears away at the dreams that you hold in your heart,
All the scared little choices you make without knowing,
Take away from the thing that you had at the start.
Day by day, drops of water wear the stone away,
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday…

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday

All the dreams that you had when it all lay before you,
All the plans that you made, all the things you would do,
All the schemes that you knew time would bring to fruition,
Did they happen? Not so far, at least not to you.
Day by day, drops of water wear the stone away,
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday

I feel that the first verse is saying what we all say at times , getting up and out of the house is a daily trial wearing away all your strength and crushing the hopes and dreams you have dared to build up for yourself. The every day choices that you have to make  without even thinking just wear you down. The daily wearing away at your soul like drops of water wearing away at a stone . The relentless working week. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday

The second verse is even sadder and maybe even nearer to the truth than we think. All our hopes and dreams  and future plans, all the wonderful things we dream we might of been just worn away and gone. Our firmest hopes and dreams come to nothing with relentless daily grind of just life .

Day by Day

The hardest rock is worn away by drops of water, so are our hopes and dreams by life Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday   We start off so hopeful where does it all go. I hear you say, no it need not be that way. Yet for most of us it is.

CLICK ON green Mr. Linky IMAGE BELOW:

SUMMARY:

1.¬† Click on green “Mister Linky” link above.

2. Enter the URL (address of your response to challenge not of your website’s home page) of your post or page that has your response to this challenge.

3. For this challenge, locate a poem by an established, published poet, post text to a post or insert text into a page. Follow text with your comments on poem.

4. Anyone that wishes to see responses can click on the Mister Linky link above to view links.

WHY

Just how do you do it time after time.Why do I let you do this to me there is no reason or rhyme.  It makes no sense, why do you tear up this life of mine. Do you have no sense of occasion do you not even care, have you no feelings left for me, do you even need me there.

I think I must be stupid I think I must be mad to let you carry on the way you do it is all so wrong, it just makes me feel so bad..

Why do you want to live two lives it surely it is not on. You are missing most weekends, sometimes weeks at a time and that is surely wrong. I have dodged the questions asked about you from family and friends I hate to lie for when that starts it never, never ends.

People take their sides they do not realize that they have, they make a choice which means  different rules  apply. The first time I was shown this my heart was turned to stone. I thought that I would die.

This really was a shock to me, I am a bit stupid  you see, the fact that life is like that was staring at me glaringly.

It has been so many years now but time has not made any of the pain recede. In fact time makes no difference  the pain just grows indeed. It has turned into acceptance which is a bitter seed.

Why have I taken this all for so long, why when I know it is all wrong. Family yes, appearances no,I lost all pride long ago . For my comfort maybe, I need help I need someone even if they  shut me out.

WHEN WE LET GO WE ARE FREE

The Wall

Together but apart

We travel together , but apart your distance from me is braking my heart. Our seats are side by side yet as you sit down you build  wall  behind which hide.

We move along together but in our separate ways in silence we start and end our days . I set the table with cloth and crockery put down the food which we eat ,nothing to say? It is all a mockery.

We are busy  avoiding the truth, all the time.  You with your work and I with mine . When did this all happen  were did our love go. Now there is a huge void between us it is physical I cannot get through it 0r round it, I have tried, you must know.

We disembark together collect our luggage and the car  then continue the journey , I read as you drive the car. I reach out to touch you I see that flinch am I that awful that simple contact  makes you wince ? We look at the scenery and discuss the flight we talk but we do not communicate , there is no reaching each other, now that is not right.

We book in jointly and walk up the stairs I draw in the scenery. You pour us a drink we chink glasses, cheers! I need you to see me, I need to see you. We must work together, you know that is true. Brick by brick the wall has to go  but I need your help .You already know.

We walk through the field inches apart but miles of ice caverns separate our hearts. Sitting on the pier surrounded by sea I can’t scale the emptiness can you come to me?

sunset

sun set magic

We enjoy the sun set and say how gold are it’s last rays , we are good at that, joining to give away praise. I look at you and you avert your eyes I known you are not with me but with her, another part of me dies.

We need to be honest and work this all out we still have a chance to turn this about. Our paths may be different and take us apart  but we need to discover what is left in our hearts. It may mean we no longer present this united front. Let take up sledge hammers and smash this wall , lets be blunt. We are not living in this relationship its true , and it is not enough for either of us to continue as we do.

We need to be honest we need to talk , it scares the hell out of me and I know you’d rather just walk. We could face the facts and work out what to do I have said my piece now it is up to you!

Talk to the hand

Talk to the hand the face ain’t listening . Don’t get that close to me I can see the tiny hairs on your neck bristling! Screaming at me like that is just so pointless I have done nothing wrong so why cause me so much distress.

I know every time I open my mouth I say something wrong and then the whole day goes south. Why is it you loose your temper with me when I am trying so hard to please you , any one can see.

Talk to the hand the face does not care. I try so hard to do things right,it just is not fair. I have been doing these things for many a year but since you’ve needed to take over at all my efforts you jeer.Yet you can’t understand why I take comfort and strength from being in here!

I do understand how hard you have worked over the years, now you have had to take¬† me on too. Just because I can’t do as much¬† why make me feel a jerk. There is no need to raise your voice I am neither stupid or deaf yes I know I can’t do all things, so don’t take away the things I have left.

Talk to the hand the face has gone out ,I am sorry but I can no longer react when you scream and shout. It is pointless me doing things, when however hard I try they just are not right for you and that makes me cry. I have known you so long but still you are a mystery to me that just can’t be right, really, how can it be?

I try my hardest not to say stupid or inappropriate things I watch my words because your anger, my heart stings.I really don’t mean to, I really do try but¬† I just open my mouth and out ¬† it all will fly. If only I could just eat my words but sadly once out, they are all over heard.

Talk to the hand the face wants to pass¬† I spend all of my life walking on broken glass. I have tried to be mediator between the kids and you¬† because you expect such high standards in all they say or do.Fathers and sons are not easy to handle why can’t you just relax and stop putting our relationships through the mangle.

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