Why.

Why can it not be taken back

Erased lost removed,back tracked.

Why is it hanging still above my head

Stripping my soul, left unloved unfed.


Why can’t things be unwritten,unsaid

Screaming & kicking inside my head.

Too late it can’t be fixed

Too much pain thrown in the mix.

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Dear Friends

Well I have been dreading this day. Things are getting difficult , life is very complicated at the moment.
The MIL is ill, the husband is stressed, there are all sorts of things going on family wise.
The thing is the husband dose not like me blogging, in fact he hates it. I just cannot cope with everything that is going on at the moment and fight to write ( that is a great tag) seriously though I just can’t cope with arguments over my blog.
At the moment my life feels like it is falling apart so it with deep regret that I am having to stop posting. I shall try and read and comment if I can but please believe I will miss you all more than I can say.
If I have anytime on my own I might try to post a quick few words to keep my hand in . I do hope at some point I can come back properly.
Bee I am sorry for not finishing Love Is In Da Blog but who knows next year?
So to all of you,especially those of you who I have known a long time, some since I started and to my newer followers I am not abandoning you all I  just  have  to  be  away  for  my  sanity.
Oh! Look I could go on forever because I don’t want to say this. But for now adieu. I will miss you all so much.

I  am hoping  that  Paul  Curran  will keep up  his If  we  were  having  coffee   every Sunday  I  am trying  to find  him a  host  and  as  soon as I  know where  he is  going I  shall let  you all know!

Please  all be  be  well and be happy!

I  will  leave  you  a  song  that  describes  you  all!

Loneliness

Alone  he  stands  on the  beach

He’s come  this far from all he has known

All goals  and hopes  smashed  and out of  reach

He  has lost all, job,  family, love  and  home.

 

The  bottle’s content is  his  only  friend

He’s cold  and tired, no life he  has lost all hope,

The sun sets  another empty day comes  to an end

Water  laps his  feet, tears burn his  eyes  he cannot cope.

 

Emptiness  eats his soul the pain is deep like a cancer

He knows  he  had it  all and  lost it, his fault only

He  was young  and  reckless and a bright romancer

Squandered  days  and nights,drink and  drugs left him lonely

 

When did it  start  he  does not  know

But  he  prays it  will end and  soon

He lays  down curled  like  a  child, his  tears  flow.

Alone on  the beach washed  by sea and  lit  by moon.

 

 

 

 

Coulda, shoulda, woulda.

I did  not  notice  until  you were  gone

How  much on you I had  depended upon

Always  you’d  ring when I  was low

I needed  you, how  did  you know?

 

The times  I said that  I would  ring  and  then forgot

You  would  forgive me,  but I will not.

So many  things I  should of done

Things unsaid  too late now  you are  gone.

 

As I sat  beside your  bed

I strained  to hear what  you  said

Right  to  the  end  you  thought only  of  others

Trying  to  reassure  us,  your  sisters  and brothers.

 

I respect  the  decision  you  have made

You were  ready , no debts unpaid

But  this  is  selfish thought,I know

I miss  you M why did  you go. ❤

 

Another  lesson life lessen I have learned

Tell those  you love, you  love  them often, before  your bridges  burn.

 

Saturday Stream of Consciousness : AY

Linda  G Hill says    “Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is: “-ay.”  Find a word ending in “ay” and use it as the theme/subject of your post. Play with it, I say!”

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Here is my  pingback

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walk of shame

Saturday  arrives  bright  and  noisy

Don’t open  those  curtains  I am not  ready.

Dawn crashes on  the  horizon announcing   another  day.

Stop  now , sod off  I don’t  want  to play , not yet go away!

 

Oh!  where  am I  this time, a stranger’s  room, what game  did I play

OMG ! he  is  still asleep, next  to  me, must go  get  away

Don’t  need  the  shame  if  he  wakes  and offers  me pay!

Look  at  me,  make up  smudged clothes  soiled what can I  say.

 

Out on the  street  feeling like  hell. I must get  home,  wash  this  guy  away

Just  walk . Don’t  let  me meet  anyone  I know,  I  pray.

Straighten  my  back  deep breath one  foot  after  the other hide  the drunken sway.

Tears  come, hurt,  shame, loneliness  what is  there  for  me ? My  nerves  snap  and  fray.

 

Dawn crashes on  the  horizon announcing   another  day.

Stop  now , sod off  I don’t  want  to play , not yet go away!

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Goodbye to the old Badge

Hello to new Badge

The  old  badge  was  donated  by  Doobster who  has  gone  cloudbusting  elsewhere.

The  New  badge  comes  to us  c/o My Leaky Boat 

Here are the rules:

1. Your post must be stream of consciousness writing, meaning no editing, (typos can be fixed) and minimal planning on what you’re going to write.

2. Your post can be as long or as short as you want it to be. One sentence – one thousand words. Fact, fiction, poetry – it doesn’t matter. Just let the words carry you along until you’re ready to stop.

3. There will be a prompt every week. Linda will post the prompt  on her blog on Friday, along with a reminder for you to join in. The prompt will be one random thing, but it will not be a subject. For instance,  Linda  will not say “Write about dogs”; the prompt will be more like, “Make your first sentence a question,” or “Begin with the word ‘The’.”

4. Ping back! It’s important, so that Linda  and other people can come and read your post! For example, in your post you can write “This post is part of SoCS:” and then copy and paste the URL found in your address bar at the top of Linda’s post into yours.  Your link will show up in Linda’s comments, for everyone to see. The most recent pingbacks will be found at the top.

5. Read at least one other person’s blog who has linked back their post. Even better, read everyone’s! If you’re the first person to link back, you can check back later, or go to the previous week, by following my category, “Stream of Consciousness Saturday,” which you’ll find right below the “Like” button on Linda’s post.

6. Copy and paste the rules (if you’d like to) in your post. The more people who join in, the more new bloggers you’ll meet and the bigger your community will get!

7. Have fun!

Just Jot It January. What have we done.

Tell me  tell me  what  have we done

Since  first we walked under a newly  birthed sun?

From pools of ensigns  and raw DNA  newborn soup

We grew  legs and arms picked up  sticks and set out a coup!

 

The  forests grew green and teemed with life

Creatures crawled  the ground and feathered  things took flight.

All was clean and all was good virgin and full of hope.

Then man evolved , sadly  then we hit the downward slope.

 

So now the answer I shall give  to you

We have raped  and spoiled our mother  planet  this is true.

Shortened  her life  but  that is not  the worst

Tearing at each other  with such disdain, hate  and mistrust we are cursed!

 

New Year , old problems.

Well here  we are  another year……….. I am sorry to say  yet again  no  special  magic  occurred  at  midnight. Famine,  Hunger, Pestilence  and  War  did  not  suddenly  dismount  and  say ” Hey Death  let’s  call a truce , lets  have  some  coffee  and cake  and  sort  this  poor  suffering  planet out! ” Did  they  hell!

Nothing  magical  happened  either  at Christmas  or  New Year. The  problems  I was eluding to  before  Christmas  did not  suddenly  disappear in a puff of  “joyous  goodwill  to men” Did they,  Bollocks!

No  there is still a  huge chasm of misunderstanding and raw  emotions   eating  me up from the inside out and I hate it, I hate  it  I bloody  hate it. I do not hate  anyone involved  but  the longer  things  go on  the more  the  feelings  and  rewriting  of  what  happened  grows within them. You  would  not  believe  what a petty incident  caused  all this  out pouring of  venom.  Yet  it  has  grown  and spread  like a cancer! I fear it is  becoming  incurable.

Both sides  are locked in their self rightfulness, any  attempts mediation  on my  part  are  met  with  anger  and mistrust  and I always come off  the worse!

So  there  you have it  Christmas  was stressful, I  did not  make  it any  better  because  I did not  want  to be away, but in  all honesty I tried  and it had  lots of  good points   and highs  but  the pain and worry  was ever present.

Now I stand  here at  the beginning  of a New Year  and I  feel flat, empty, desperate, bereft . I feel as if  everything  I so long awaited  has been stolen from me ………….. I could  go on and on  about  all the things  that are eating  me up believe  me  they  are legion!

Manners  stop  me, I do apologize for  going  on but I shall publish  and be damned. So Christmas Spirit  where  were  you ? New Year magic   where  have you been all my  life ……… eh eh ??

I also  have to apologies that  I got  so distressed  trying to wade  all your  wonderful  posts  and comments, I felt  I was drowning  so  I  have to admit to   hitting  the delete  button   but I will get through  them  as when I can in the reader. You  may  only  get  likes  and a short  comment   but I love  all your  work  everyone of  you  so please  forgive  me, for  moaning  and  not  answering  all your  posts!

Why  did I  pick  the video  of “Say Something? ” Because  they need to talk  and  I can’t  fix it . I love  them all  but  they all see that  as wrong……………………

 

 

This post is part of Just Jot It January hosted by Linda G Hill. Thanks for tuning in and if you want to join, feel free to click on the link and start jotting!

A Letter of Thanks to Mum and Dad.

Yesterday   Jean  at  Social Bridge   wrote  a post  about  writing  a thank you letter  to your  parents read  here. It  is  beautiful  and it inspired  me to write a  thank  you  letter  to  my  sadly, long gone parents.  Thank  you Jean.

Dear Mum  and Dad

Polesden  LaceyI don’t think I ever made  it clear enough  how I appreciated exactly  what  you did  for me. It is only  now  as a parent  that I see  what  you must of  gone  through.

Nine   children  you had, nine, you lost  three  but  that was never  your  fault. How  did  you cope  Mum it must of been hard, and Dad  worse  for you because in those days  grieving  was not  the done thing. I lost  three babies  too I could not openly  grieve  either  but  you knew  you silently  gave me strength.

How  did  you cope  Mum and Dad  how  did  you balance  help  and interference , how  come  you never  ended not  talking  to each other. What  do I do  to bring  my  husband  and youngest  back  together…. how  do I get them both to cross  the huge void  that is screaming  to be addressed!

Now  look see,  you have both  been gone so long  and I miss  you  both so. I need  you here  to give  me  the strength , kindness  and love. See  even now I am asking for  your  help. I am  so selfish, I was  so angry  when you died  Mum  because  you were not there  to talk to  me and  help  me, do you know  it took 7yrs  to accept  that  you had really  gone.

Who  helped you, did  anyone  or did  you have to struggle  through learning haphazardly! You  no  doubt  had  too and  that is  why  you were  both such  helpful parents. I am amazed  at  the sacrifices  you  must  of  made  to  keep us in  clothes, shoes  and food.

Dad worked as a  body maker  for LT making seats on the buses! Off to work at  5am and home at  5pm for dinner 6pm the BBC News … silence  reined!

Mum remember Wimbledon week  we had salad every evening because  you loved  the Tennis , funny  thing  Mum I can’t  stand  tennis! 🙂

Well I shall close  now  and  tell you  that  you gave  me lots of  love and  good advice and  support. I really  hope  that  you were both proud of  me!

I miss  you  and I love  you !

willow xxxxxxxx

PS. I think  things  are improving  on the  father  and son front so please  if  you can  pray  that  they continue  to improve!!

Lost Hope

What good are these wings  to me

They have never helped me to be free.

What use have I for these eyes

Pluck them out, ignore my plaintiff cries.

 

What need have I of  these arms

None, none if not for your charms

What use my soul what use  my heart

Your harsh  words have rent them in half.

 

What point  my life what hope have I

I am replete, forlorn I need to die.

What good these wings I ask you with a sigh

What good to me who  can no longer fly.

 

JusJoJan: Play for the Devil

Play for me, said he
Play for me well and I will set you free.

Tired was she of forever practicing scales
Tired was she of the crowd and their appreciative hails.
Tired was she of forever moving on to the next town.
Tired was she of having no roots, and never settling down.

Play for me, said he
Play for me well and I will set you free

Stunningly beautiful was she,
The top of her profession she was set to be.
Acclaimed and always the star of the show
The world at her feet up was the way she would go.

Play for me, said he
Play for me well and I will set you free.

Tempted, tempted was she
By dark cloaked figure who promised to set her free.
What would you want as payment she demanded to know
What would it cost to rest, from her shoulder’s this mantle to throw.

Play for me, said he
Play for me well and I will set you free.

What is your freedom worth to me
Let me think this over very carefully.
A moments silence then he said with a sneer.
Your talent young lady your nimble fingers my dear.

Play for me, said he
Play for well and I will set you free

Closing her eyes she thought for a while
The idea of freedom filled her head and made her smile.
I shall do it, I shall do it cried she
For she longed to be normal,she longed to be free.

Play for me, said he
Play for me well and I will set you free.

Fine he said as he took her violin and her bow.
He touched her hands and head then he bid her to go.
Of a sudden she was fearful, yet why she did not know.

Play for me, said he
Play for me well and l will set you free

I can’t, I can’t cried she
What have you done,what have you done to me.
Nothing that you did not ask me to do
Beware what you wish for, in case it comes true.

 

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1. It’s never too late to join in, since the “Jot it” part of JusJoJan means that anything you jot down, anywhere (it doesn’t have to be a post) counts as a “Jot.” If it makes it to WordPress that day, great! If it waits a week to get from the sticky note to your screen, no problem!
2. If you write a JusJoJan post on your blog, you can ping it back to the above link to make sure everyone participating knows where to find it.
3. Write anything!
4. Have fun!

 

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