mental pain – willowdot21

Dear all I am so sorry for slipping off the radar for a few days. I believe I mentioned the old black dog of depression is stalking me again. Well as is always the way when he is lucking in the shadows ( and he is a ” he” even though he is vicious enough to be thought of as a bitch ..male dog he is!)

As usual I digress, wat I was saying is as is always the way I get lost in email and overwhelmed by the amount of posts I receive . This only compounds my feelings of panic and uslessness and I usually end up writing a whining post like this! Anyway here are the facts I am swamped, drowning and panicing, all I can is apologise and draw a line in the email and hit delete. I will as I always do catch up with all of you because I want to and I do so love all your work so please be patient and don’t give up on me.

Now strange as it is I should be bubbling over with excitement because to all outward appearence I have had a good weekend . Sadly the black dog does not give a shit. It has been very hard work to keep calm and have a smile on my face. I have tried honestly and I think I am getting away with it but boy it is hard.

Saturday was lovely our youngest son and his wife and their beautiful son ( a magical 7weeks and 5days old) came to visit us and join us for dinner. I cannot believe how proud and blessed and even happy it makes me feel to see this little family starting out on their life’s journey. I have to push all the fears that float to the surface in me on their behalf! Yes that bad boy in the corner even gouges at my insides when I should be bursting with joy. I digress yet again , they came and it was lovely I got lots of cuddles and I was informed on the best ways to A How to hold a baby, B How to get a baby off to sleep, and many other things that I thought I knew but obviously have not idea about. However did I bring our three boys up?? I have no illusions no doubt I was just as ‘well informed’ and opiniated in my time as a young mum and my husband too as a new dad!

I was amazed and delighted at how much our little grandchild has grown and he now has focus in his eyes so when he gave me a craft smile I knew it was not just wind. The feeling of cuddling a new baby especially if it is your first grandchild is beyond compare! Even so that black dog was watching me from the corner!

My husband is not very impressed with me he is sick of me I think! I seem to think completely differently from him and right now most things I say are answered with a scorn and incredulity that cuts like a knife. He is convinced that I am loosing it and going slowly into another world ..he thinks I am showing signs of dementia. He also say I spend far too much time on my laptop! I am not I just think in a completely different way to him and so what if I get the wrong end of a stick when I am feeling stressed so what anyway! It just feeds that dog in the corner.

Sunday was not so good had his mother round she has never liked me and delights in baiting me and goading me into an arguement I spent her time with us biting my tongue , smiling and making lots of cups of tea! There is a lot of hassle involved in this but I shall not go into it here!

I have just noticed that I have slipped out of italic print and I have not the energy to rewrite the above so please accept my apologies we are staying as we are now! … Digressing again. Well my husband was doing a favour for his mother, who does not appreciate it or him at all, caught a ladder on the boot of his new car ( a car he has wanted all his life and only now that we have no children to ferry around and enough money to have the odd mad wish come true ) well of course he was upset …it all went over her head , Oh! dear she had commented and then proceeded to compare this with spilling nail varnish on a new dress many years back!! Comments like that take no heat out of a situation like that! Later on that evening afte he had returned from taking her home I went to make him a coffee. The coffee machine, when I moved it set off chain reaction, all the cookery books fell like dominos and in slow motion I watched a a huge and heavy glass vase fall from the worktop and smash into a thousand pieces. My huband flew into a torrant of shouting mainly fuelled by his uncaring mother and as usual I got the brunt of it! But hey he could not of made me feel any worse than I already was or am! It was just a smashing end to a fraught and walking on eggshells day.

Today we are off to a wedding I only know the bride and groom vaguely have met them once , my husband used to work with her and she is a lovely woman! The weather is dull and wet, my husband has woken up depress mainly about the way his mother never shows any care for him or gratitude ( we are the only ones in the family who take her out have her round weekly, have her at all high days and holidays, sort her house out for her and on and on while the ther two siblings and their families are thought more of and this is rubbed in our faces!! _ )

OMG I am digressing again …anyway I have found a great song by Sia called “Chanelier ” it is a wonderful song , the subject is very dark it is about teenage and early 20s/30s binge drinking and drug taking . Okay I am no teenager and I have never done drugs or been a binge drinker but today the lines ( and here we will go back to italics!) ” One two three drink , one , two three drink, I’m gonna swing from the the Chandelier, the Chandelier, I’m going to act like tomorrow dosen’t esist, doesn’t exist!” I just feel it applies to how I am feeling and the young girl who dances and I do mean dances out the words in the video also expresses perfectly how stressed and trapped and manic I feel under this calm, controlled ( laughs like a maniac) exterior.

No doubt I shall behave like a lady! and yes I did notice that I did not go into italics for the lyrics! Hey ho! I am introuble again..OH! yes I spend too long on the laptop and that is helping to addle my brain?? I shall go and shower before I forget where the bathroom is ans while I am at I had best throw that dog a bone so he might leave me for a few hours!!

Love to you all I am doing my best. Right lets hide the pain and paint on my smile ..anyway here are I feeling by Sia!