Autumn Trudge: Day 24 Nano Poblano.

 

Headphones in I trudge  the Autumn morning

Cold nipping at  my  hands  and nose

The pain though  in  my being eating  me since  the dawning

Leaves  gold, brown and red swirling  round as  the wind  blows.

 

Turn the music up to drown my  fears out

Stop my thoughts they are running wild

My head is  bursting I want to shout

Why is  this time of year  such a trial.

 

The  wind is rushing  through  the trees

I watch  my  hopes  and  dreams escape

Lost  alone in the cold cold day I see  my future  as it flees.

Turn  the music up, drown out  the hate.

 

 

 

TEAM Mark 

Swing From The Chandelier!

Dear all I am so sorry  for slipping off  the radar  for a few days. I believe I mentioned  the old black  dog  of depression is stalking me again.  Well as is always  the way  when he is lucking in the shadows ( and he is a ” he”  even though  he is vicious  enough  to be thought of as  a bitch ..male  dog  he is!)  

As usual I digress, wat I was saying  is as is always  the way  I get  lost in email and overwhelmed  by the amount of  posts I receive . This only  compounds my feelings of panic  and uslessness and I usually  end up writing  a whining post  like  this! Anyway here  are the facts I am swamped, drowning  and panicing, all I can is  apologise and draw a line in  the email  and hit  delete. I will as I always  do  catch up  with  all of  you  because I want to  and I do so love  all your work so please  be patient  and don’t give up on me. 

 

Now  strange  as it is I should  be bubbling over  with excitement  because to all outward appearence I have had a good weekend . Sadly  the black dog  does not give a shit.  It has been very hard  work to keep calm and have a smile on my face.  I have tried honestly  and I think I am getting away  with it  but  boy it is hard. 

Saturday  was lovely our youngest son and his wife  and their beautiful son ( a  magical 7weeks and 5days old) came to visit us  and join us  for dinner. I cannot  believe  how  proud  and blessed  and even happy  it  makes me feel  to see this little  family  starting out on their life’s journey. I have to  push all the fears that  float  to the surface in me on their behalf! Yes  that bad  boy  in the corner  even gouges at my insides  when I should  be bursting  with joy.  I digress yet again , they came and it was lovely I got lots of  cuddles  and  I was informed on the best ways to A How  to hold  a baby, B How  to get a baby off to sleep, and many other things  that I thought I knew  but obviously  have not idea about. However  did I bring  our  three  boys up?? I  have  no illusions  no doubt I was just  as ‘well informed’ and opiniated in my time as a young  mum and my husband too as  a new dad!

I was amazed and delighted  at  how much  our  little grandchild  has grown and he now has focus  in his eyes  so when he gave me a craft smile I knew it was not just wind. The feeling of cuddling a new baby  especially  if it is your first  grandchild is  beyond  compare! Even so that  black  dog  was watching  me from the corner!

 

My husband  is not very impressed  with me  he is  sick of me I think! I seem to think  completely differently  from him  and right now  most things I say  are answered with a scorn  and incredulity  that  cuts  like a knife. He is convinced  that I am loosing it  and  going slowly  into another world ..he thinks I am showing signs of dementia. He also say I spend far too much time on my laptop! I am not I just think in a completely  different way to him  and so what if I get the wrong  end of a stick  when I am feeling stressed so what  anyway! It just  feeds that dog  in the corner.

Sunday  was not so good  had his mother  round  she has never liked  me and delights in baiting  me and goading me into an arguement  I spent  her time with us biting my tongue , smiling and making lots of cups of tea! There is a lot  of hassle involved  in this  but I shall not go into it here!

 

I have just noticed  that I have slipped out of italic print  and I have not the energy  to rewrite the above  so please accept  my apologies we are staying  as we are now! … Digressing again. Well my  husband was doing a favour  for his  mother, who does not appreciate it or  him at  all, caught  a ladder on the boot of  his new car (  a car  he has wanted  all his life  and only  now  that we have no children  to ferry  around and enough money to have the odd  mad wish come true ) well of course he was upset …it all went over her head , Oh! dear  she had  commented  and then proceeded to compare  this  with spilling  nail varnish  on a new  dress many years  back!! Comments  like that  take  no heat out of a situation  like that!  Later on that evening afte  he had returned from taking her  home I went to make him a coffee. The coffee machine,  when I moved it set off  chain reaction, all the cookery books  fell like dominos  and in slow motion I watched a a huge  and heavy glass vase  fall from the worktop and smash into a thousand  pieces. My huband  flew into a torrant  of shouting   mainly  fuelled by his uncaring mother  and as usual  I got  the brunt of it! But hey he could  not of  made  me feel any worse  than I already was or am! It was just a smashing  end to a fraught and walking on eggshells day.

Today  we are off to a wedding I only  know  the bride and groom vaguely  have met  them once , my  husband  used to work  with  her  and she is a lovely  woman! The weather is dull and wet, my  husband  has woken up depress  mainly  about the way his mother never shows  any  care for him  or gratitude ( we are the only ones in the family  who take her out  have her round weekly, have her at all high  days and holidays, sort  her house out  for her  and on and on  while the ther two siblings and their families are thought more of and this is rubbed in our faces!! _ )

OMG I am digressing again …anyway I have found a great song  by Sia  called “Chanelier ” it is a wonderful  song , the subject is  very dark  it is about  teenage and early 20s/30s  binge drinking  and drug  taking . Okay I am no teenager and I have never done drugs or  been a binge drinker  but today  the lines (  and here  we will go back to italics!)  ” One  two three drink , one , two  three drink, I’m gonna swing from the the Chandelier, the Chandelier, I’m going to act like tomorrow dosen’t esist, doesn’t exist!” I just  feel it applies  to how I am feeling  and the young  girl who dances  and I do mean dances out  the words in the video  also expresses perfectly  how stressed  and trapped  and manic I feel under this calm, controlled ( laughs like a maniac) exterior.

No doubt I shall behave  like a lady!  and  yes I did notice  that I did not go  into italics   for the lyrics! Hey ho!  I am introuble again..OH!  yes I spend too long on the laptop  and that is helping to addle my brain?? I shall go and shower before I forget where the bathroom is ans while I am at I had best throw  that dog  a bone  so he might leave me for a few hours!!

Love to you all I am doing my best. Right lets hide the pain and paint on  my smile  ..anyway  here are I feeling  by Sia!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Self Harm : a Nonette.

Screams rise from my  tortured and empty  soul

Desire  dragging  me into a cavernous hole.

Demons ripping the clothes from my back

Grabbing,  thrashing blindingly  black.

Biting and scratching

Sucking  my blood

Heaving and retching

Tears flood

Mud.

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