Colleen Chesebro’s Tuesday Tanka Challenge. Exhausted & Lost.

Our host for Tuesday Tanka, Colleen Chesebro is in the throws of moving . She has left instructions for us to carry on with her Tuesday Challenge. While she is busy and very likely without WiFi. We are still use two words but of our own choice and use them synonymously. Except on the first Tuesday of the month when not synonyms are necessary.

So we shall keep the challenge up while our very own Fairy Whisperer is on the move.

This week I have chosen the words, Exhausted & Lost. The Etheree is a sad one but even sadder is the fact that it is life for many.

Tired

Empty

I am spent

You’ve washed me out

Your cruel words drain me

My self worth thrown aside

I’m drowning in your venom

What right have you to treat me so

Your right I have given in, I know

I surrender, nothing left so you win.

******

Twittering Tales #130 – 2 April 2019

Photo by Marc Schäfer

Home Truths.

Tom picked up the book and read. “You don’t get to tell me what, when or where anymore. You don’t shout out my short comings. You’re a bully, you are controlling. My friends and family are not bad. I will wear what I want, drink and eat what I want. You will not ever own me now.
(280 Characters)

This is brought to you care of Kat Myrman’s Twittering Tales.

Thursday photo prompt: Stark #writephoto

This is my entry for Sue Vincent of The Daily Echo’s #writephoto.

The prompt this week Stark.

I have picked a sad but I feel relevant subject.

————————–

Her options were stark. Put up with things as they were, carry on coping with the mental abuse, the harsh words and those painful silences that could last for days. Or leave, home, give up her whole life and this view?

She knew that she had really left it too late. Over sixty and nowhere to go, really, that was no choice. Trapped as always walking on broken glass.

To the outside world they were the perfect couple, always ready to help others. She was so lucky to have such a kind and gentle husband….. Holidays, cars, presents.

She should of put her foot down when he had the affair shut the door when he left. Why let him back he’d lead a double life for years …. But that was finished now.

Wasted chances, too many options had gone by the by. Was she lazy, stupid or just plain afraid of the unknown? Was she all the things he shouted at her?…her eyes stung at the thought of that.

After a while, she thought you just stop fighting back and believe the propaganda. She had woken up one morning and realised she had nothing left to fight for, no fight left in her.

Suddenly the starkness of her situation hit her… Even her beloved view looked stark . She drained her coffee and went back indoors.

Loveuary Day 5 : Hidden Chains

The  lovely  and  talented Ritu  of butIsmileanyway.com has set us all off on Loveuary. I for one am excited with the task. What is love? We shall find out as the month goes on.

loveuary

Here is  a link  to  Ritu’s  post 

Link  to  Rules  and Prompts

Here we  are on Day 5, what  shall I  blog  about  today? The  bad  side of  love. It is  not  love  really  it is  an addiction. The  woman in  my poem ( a  revamp of  one  I  wrote four  years  ago)  is married  to  a bully, womanising   control freak , she  does  not realise  she is  the  strong one  I  appeal  to her because  of  love  for her  to have  courage  and  brake  the  Hidden  Chains.

 

What do you see lady in blue,

Those watchful eyes what do they view,

Why so tight lipped are you.

I can see you are stressed just look at you,

Leaning forward your hands are tense

Your whole demeanour cries self defence.

 

Such a lovely dress but something is wrong

Why not short sleeves and with your legs it is way too long.

Your husband is at the bar

You sit and watch him from afar.

He likes a shapely young body a weakness for a pretty face

He is not worried if you see. Such a shit he is a disgrace.

 

You should not worry , you should not care,

You still have your girlish figure and your flame red hair,

Your eyes are still that glorious blue

You have hardly changed since he married you.

 

It is sad his words have worn you down ,

He has taken your smile and stretched it into a frown.

He has pointed out your flaws too often and criticized you so much

His shouted put downs have not been forgotten  you cringe  at  his  touch.

Every time he pushes you too far

He buys you a pretty trinket like your amber necklace or a car.

He thinks if he showers you with gifts you will forget the scars.

 

Take some strength girl don’t keep caving in .You are the stronger one, you have  strength of character. Much more than him, truth be known he has none. He is just a show off and a bully, he is a coward inside. What kind of man is it that feels big when he makes you cry.He is the one who would fall apart if you left so please lady in the blue dress find smile don’t look so bereaved.

 

I Hate Myself

I cannot look in the  mirror because it hurts me so

I am ugly, you don’t need to tell me, I know.

Every day is a trial,I want to stay in my room

Cover all the mirrors, close the curtains I feel safer in the gloom.

You don’t need t be so mean,

Pointing out my faults and making a scene.

Why do always have to shout,

I get it, I am always wrong, you leave me in no doubt.

I wish that you would just go away

In my room safe I’d always stay.

You don’t have to hate me so

I hate myself enough so why don’t you just go!

The Blood is flowing faster now

From the cuts I did earlier, deep , deep and how

God it  finally feels I  have the upper hand.

You don’t need to hate me . I HATE MYSELF, do you understand.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The above poem was inspired  by carrotykate  she very kindly allowed me to use this wonderful illustration. Do visit her page it is wonderful. 

Dust

In the silence little mouse could hear heart beating

Terrified she hid by the cabinet in the dark with the seconds fleeting.

She held her breath hoping against hope that she was magically invisible

Unseen to the human eye but she knew there was no hiding from the inevitable .

His figure was standing in the door now looking straight at her now, fear bites.

He is shouting  now,pulling her up to her feet! Pressure  on her wrists, pushing her fear to new heights.

“What is this , what is this” he screams his eyes bulging his mouth wide, nostrils flaring.

Running his finger along the glass shelf “Dust, dust” shoving a dusty finger toward her, scaring

Her witless, she finds it hard to breath. He pushes her towards the cabinet with the dirty shelf.

It is three in the morning  and she is so tired the little ones had run her ragged all day

The house work and cooking , his returning home late to find her tired, not wanting to play.

“What the hell do you do all day” he was shaking her now she did not know what to say.

Tears stung her eyes as she fought to hold them back , suddenly she dropped a glass…….. it broke with a crack.

There it was all in the eyes.  Little mouse  froze to say something now would be unwise.

“Clear up that glass then get those shelves dusted and while your at it make sure nothing else gets busted.”

Little mouse knew not to argue, even though she was tired , she wanted sleep but she obediently dusted.

A little relieved she watched him go back to bed , his words of her short falls all ringing in her head.

An hour later she crept up the stairs, checked on the babies all asleep, happily unaware. Gently and silently she slid into bed.

Peace, then the gift of sleep drifters into her head,tomorrow it will all start again and that thought alone fills her with dread.

Bleeding heart

Is it really all me, am I really the ignorant bitch, is that all you see. Will the never knowing which way you will react ever become easy. Will it relax my brow and my stomach un- impact. These deep cracks across my face caused by fear, your kindness could so easily relax and erase.

Ever present stress has become the norm I check what I say from dusk to dawn. Yet no matter how hard I try I mess things up, you shout, I cry. Why do I stay I am not sure I have asked myself this a thousand times or more.

I try to keep you happy I flatter and I calm. I do everything I can to keep you from harm. All the good I do gets blown away  by a simple word or an utterance, a stupid action or sentence thrown away.

Your words are harsh your words are cruel your actions can reduce me to jelly and make me look a fool. Your demands can spoil any day things must go your way, no grey for you no shades, you can gut me, disembowel me drag my faults out and them display.

What am I just a bleeding heart put on this world for you to tear apart. I am so tired so very tired I would leave escape if I were smart. But we both know we shall not part for you  have tight the strings of my heart. You knew that from the very start..

Drifting away.

She was used to that look now. It no longer held any foreboding. Strange, one day she had just looked up and seen it and it had had no effect. No knotting in the stomach, no need to go and pee.

Suddenly she was untouchable, his words just bounced off of her. Nothing got through , it was such a relief it was liberating. She no longer felt the need to go out, there  was no need to get up or even wash. What was the point she no longer had anywhere to go. Her friends had long since dissipated  seen off and dispensed with by his silver tongue.

She no longer felt the need for food any more, no it was easier to just not bother . Slip away silently slip away further and further each day.

No she was not stupid in fact she was a  highly  educated woman……. but that was years ago………. before. No need to dwell no need to think things out, that was too hard it takes too much energy. No it would be simpler to just give in now . Close her eyes shut out the pain and drift away …………… It should not be long now.

 

 

 

Please just stop! !

No one would believe you, they would say it is not true he is such a sweetie and look at the lovely gifts he gets you. Presents mean nothing when you have lost your will coping with it all just makes you so ill.

The door slams, BANG, it is amazing it is still on its’ hinges  a little piece for me now until he returns and raises his voice and sets off my cringes.

I have no bruises not a cut or a scratch to show but  I’m trod on and beaten down, licked into shape and no one would know.

His way or no way yet it can’t be seen to help all others and to be kind is all that is seen. The darker side is rarely shown the nagging , the threats and blackmail all stay at home.

You chat on the phone and he is listening in, you hope nothing has been said that he can decide is a sin. After you end the call he will criticise your friends he rather you had none at all.

Watch what you wear that could start a fight and you know you want to all to go well tonight make sure you wear the right things remember his presents the necklace the rings.

Watch what you say while you are out or he will use it against you later of that there is no doubt. Smile while he belittles you in front of your friends he says it all jokes but why does it never end . Don’t ever say anything that might make him look silly or wrong or you will pay for it all night long.

Walking on eggshell when something you look forward to is near don’t upset him or you will miss out and you will shed tears. No one would believe you they would say it is not true he is such a sweetie and look at the lovely gifts he gets you. Presents mean nothing when you have lost your will to cope, it all just makes you so ill.

Your wrong if your thin and your wrong if your fat no matter how hard you work in the order of things you  come after the cat.

No one would believe you they would say it is not true he is such a sweetie and look at the lovely gifts he gets you. Presents mean nothing when you have lost your will coping with it all just makes you so ill.

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Claire Ladds

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