“When you forgive you let go of a weight you alone carry.”
—Black Mike
Webster defines forgiving as ceasing to feel resentment. We have all heard the phrases like “forgive and forget” or “I can forgive but I cannot forget” and “You cannot forgive if you cannot forget”. So which is it?
This quote made me think about the weight of carrying grudges. We think most often about forgiving others, but what about forgiving ourselves?
Have I made peace with myself? Have I forgiven myself for all the missteps along the way, or do I think there is no reason to forgive one’s self? The words are easy to utter, but the action may be more complex.”
Some questions to ponder:
Have you made mistakes in life, things that you regret?
Yes indeed I have many, many and they still haunt me now and I think they always will. I have discovered though that I am not evil and if I can forgive myself I hope others can too.
Have these mistakes hurt others? If so, did they forgive you?
Yes I believe some of them have….a careless word here and a thoughtless act here. One such incident was when the boys were small money was short and I was on a tight budget. It was the summer holiday and the young girl next door had taken my youngest to the shops to get some shopping. They came back with the shopping and presented me with a small bouquet of flowers. Instead of graciously accepting these all I could do was think of was the fact I could not afford them and I made them take the flowers back. I was angry with them. …..but not as angry as I was with myself as soon as I thought about it . I have never forgotten this incident or forgotten the look on my little dot of a boy’s face ….. I have never forgiven myself .
Have you forgiven yourself?
Not for that not for everything but yes for other things.
Are mistakes simply a learning experience, or are they a result of poor judgement?
Both , but we need to learn from them .
Does it bother you knowing someone cannot or will not forgive you for something?
No not anymore, sometimes we just have to live with the consequences of our actions.
Is it easier to forgive others than it is to forgive yourself??
yes indeed it is.
Have you made mistakes in life, things that you regret?
Yes I have many, many and they still haunt me now and I think they always will. I have discovered though that I am not evil and if I can forgive I hope others can too.
Have you forgiven yourself?
Not for that not for everything but yes for other things.
Are mistakes simply a learning experience, or are they a result of poor judgement?
Both , but we need to learn from them .
Does it bother you knowing someone cannot or will not forgive you for something?
No not anymore, sometimes we just have to live with the consequences of our actions.
Is it easier to forgive others than it is to forgive yourself??
Yes a thousand times so. My mother in law blamed me for things that really were not my fault …. I have finally forgiven her I don’t know if she forgave me.
Maggie from cavewalls has set us questions for Tranquil Thursday she says that after visiting family and friends she is questioning coping methods. Her questions today are:
How do you manage stressors that are outside your control?
Well if any of you have learned anything about me from my posts you might guess I deal by listening to music and hiding inside my head. I have spent years trying to be the peace keeper but it usually ends up with me in hot water… I have finally learned to shut up, step back and as my mum always said “Let them go to hell their own way!” So now for my own sanity I do.
How do you tune out the noise of the crowds?
I either use earpods or let my mind wonder and sing to myself if I don’t have music with me. When I have had long spells in hospital I usually cope with audio books or music. When I was working I used to find just blending in smiling a lot and listening for key words usually got me by. I have never really liked croweds and try to avoid them.Mainly I learned to breathe.
What do you do when you do not know what to do?
Sadly, I have been here before. Often well I used to hide my head in the sand and play Ostrich! Now I have learned that does not work so I dig my heels in, ask questions and plan strategies. I can do anything !
This week for Tranquil Thursday Maggie From Cave Walls said : “How we deal with chaos is our choice. It is not always an easy choice, but ultimately our responses are up to us, with a few exceptions course. We can choose a hot bath or a long walk. We may opt for a cup of tea or a shot of whiskey. Maybe a handful of cookies or an hour in a warm bath is more your style. Sometimes a chat with an understanding friend is all you need, while someone else may want to lose themselves in a good book.”
Can you recall a particularly chaotic or stressful time in your life? How did you manage the stress?
Many, Many and I always did still do retreat into my head….. Music, poetry and writing . Imagination I suppose imagine my self away from the fear, pain , grief … Here is my theme tune.
Where is the one place in the world where all your troubles disappear – even if only for a moment?
The eyes of those I love
Do you like for other people to try and raise your spirits or do you prefer to deal with things on your own?
I prefer to sort myself out but I do accept help if I can’t drag myself up .
What quote, song, book, or movie serves as an inspiration to you when things get tough?
When I was learning to walk again after breaking my back the second time the songs of Imogen Heap really kept me going especially when I was in pain and walking was the last thing I wanted to do. Her voice in my headphones really helped. Especially Breathe.
Does solitude quiet your mind or do you need to pump up the volume?
I love quiet but I love music, radio or a talking book even more.
Maggie is busy with rounds of physiotherapy getting herself ready for a knee operation. She told us about a moment of mindfulness in her morning and she then went on to ask us some questions, which I will come to in a minute.
Now Maggie’s preparations for her knee surgery and Jan’s work toward recovery from her major surgery at Saying Nothing In Particular puts me in mind of when I broke my back good and proper for the second time. I had a very long, and I am talking years, recovery and I had to learn to walk again. I lost my mobility, my self-esteem, my straight back, my friends and my sense of humour. Still I learned to walk, and cope with constant pain, got addicted to prescription drugs and eventually managed through withdrawal and all that entails to get free of all drugs!
I was sent to see a pain physcologist who suggested I started writing again. She Also suggested I read a book which changed my life, almost bad much as blogging has. The book was called Living well with Pain and Illness by Vidyamala Burch.
I found the book a great help because Vidyamala had a very similar experiences to me, accident, treatment in hospital, recovery, coping with pain and getting drug free.
How often do you pause to rest or simply take in your surroundings?
Not nearly enough if I am honest. I do try but often everyday life is full of things to do. But I do try to stop and take note of what is really going on around me when I can.
Is this pause a scheduled part of your day?
Gosh no, would that I could be that organised. I might be hanging out the washing, walking Ruby on a crisp frozen morning, walking to town or just sat down in the sun coming though a window when suddenly I slip into the moment and for a while l am at one with whatever it is we are at one with …peace.
Do you think taking time for ourselves is a matter of self-worth?
Yes it is also a right and we should all try it… mindfulness, at one with ourselves, at one with the universe we all need it by any name.
This week Lauren at LSS Attitude of Gratitude said “I’m going through a crazy time in my life right now. I’ve gone from trying to herd kittens to running after a few ducks that keep getting out of line. I have surgery next week and I’m uncertain how long I will be out of commission. So, I’m cheating a bit this week and asking questions like I did in a former Throwback Thursday. They are different questions, but the same style.”
So this week’s rerun prompt is: That Was Then And This Is Now
1) When you were a kid, what were your creative outlets.
Painting, dancing, singing, writing.
As an adult, what have you created that you are most proud of?
Three sons?…I guess you mean creatively…My blog.
2) Have you ever saved someone’s life? Did you ever witness someone’s life being saved? Did someone save your life?
I don’t think I have ever saved anyone’s life…I am not aware of having done so. My Dad saved my life once he pulled me out of the River Isis in Oxford. I was very young but I still remember it. I think I helped to save my mother in law’s life by quickly realising she was having a stroke.
3) Did you ever get lost as a child? How did you handle it? Do you get easily lost now?
I don’t really remember but I probably did as I have terrible sense of direction and I am always going in the wrong direction 😃
4) Did you search out presents your parents hid from you?
Yes indeed we all did in our house!
Did you get caught?
We did but we never got into trouble because we never tried to open any.
Do you hide presents from family members as an adult?
Yes I have !
Are they ever found?
Not to my knowledge.
5) Do you have a special song that was sung to you by either of your parents.
My Dad always sung Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Dad would often change the words ! He often sang: Twinkle Twinkle little Bat how I wonder what your at! Up above the world so high like a tea pot in the sky.
Did you sing to your children?
I did but they’d laugh at me now!
(or pets) Care to share the tunes?
I sing to Ruby it’s usually a made up song.
6) What’s something you were afraid of as a child?
Being lost and alone.
What is something you are afraid of as an adult?
Being homeless.
7) What do you wish you would have learned more about in school?
Everything.
8) Is there something outside of school you were so interested in you taught yourself about it as an adult?
Maggie is again, stepping in for Lauren this week. Today we are going to amble around through the places of our youth.
This week’s prompt is: Spaces and Places
Did you grow up in an urban or a rural environment?
I grew up in an urban area, London born and bred.
How would you describe the geographic area where you lived?
One the boarders of W5 and Middlesex. Lots of houses ,shops and even then traffic. There was a large park across the road, it was part of the Rothchild estate.
We lived in a terrace council house with three bedrooms, one bathroom a tiny garden out the back there was a kitchen with a coal hole, a front room and a backroom and just inside the door was a pantry.. it was mostly full of family and friends. The photo above is of it as it looks now so slightly different to how it really was.
Did you like it and do you miss it now?
I did it was home and I do sometimes miss it but it’s more the people that made that home that I miss. I don’t miss the winters they were so cold we had ice on the inside of the windows!
What about the bedroom you had in the home? Did you share it with someone or did you have it all to yourself?
Mainly I shared it with three sisters, multiple cousins and the occasional waif and stray who was staying over. We did actually have the largest room in the house because there were always more of us!
If you shared, with whom? How was the space decorated?
I answered this above…how was it decorated?
Mainly my sister’s chose how to have it doe but it was not decorated often. I remember once my sister Frankie suggested we cut adverts and coloured pictures out of fashion magazines …we pasted them on to a long wall and made a huge collage it looked amazing…I was about eight at the time and I thought it was so cool. Very like the wall in the photo below.
Another time she got Dad to build window seats and she upholstered them with red and cream regency stripes and she bought deep blue flock wallpaper with her own money and she hung that up herself too. My two older sisters left home by the time I was 5 so I don’t remember their tastes. Not long before I left home to get married , my brother’s and all but one sister had left home so I got a small room to myself. I decorated it orange and purple. I also painted a mural on my white wordrobe doors.
When you did family activities at home, in what room did you spend your time?
In the room we called the back room. It was the livingroom really.We only had fireplaces downstairs in the front and back rooms so we all huddle round the fire in winter.
What did you do together? TV? Cards? Board Games? Reading?
All of the above. Though we did not get a TV until I was thirteen.
Did your friends’ living situation seem similar to your own?
Yes , some were better and some were worse
Did you prefer to be at your friend’s home or did you prefer your own?
I liked both.
Did your friends like to hang out at your house?
Yes it was always busy.
What kind of school did you attend?
A convent school.
Large or small? Religious or secular? Public or private?
Medium and Religious.
Did you attend church, synagogue, temple, or some other religious facility? If so was it large and ornate, or small and homey? Did you feel comfortable there?
We attended Catholic church our parish church was small and comfy. Some of the other ones we attended were much bigger and ornate. I did not like them as much .
Did you have a hang out spot? Skating rink? Mall? Burger joint? Bowling alley? Friend’s house?
We didn’t have shopping Malls then, but all the others yes except the ice-rink but usually spent more time in the park or garden.
Where did you typically go on dates (if you dated)? Movies? Out to a restaurant? At home watching tv? Library? Gym? Dances? Clubs? Mall?
The park, at friends houses, or our houses we didn’t do much that cost money because we didn’t have much to spare.
What kind of place did you live in when you first moved away from home.
When we got married we bought a two bedroom maisonette , basically a down stairs flat with a huge garden. We had our own front door into a front garden. It looked like a semi detached house but it was four maisonettes.
Was it a big adjustment or were you ready to strike out
Yes it was a huge adjustment, I was only 17 years and had gone from the family home. At times I was scared and wondered what had I done…. But on the whole I was ready.
Describe your first place.
The pictures below is a photo of our first how it is now. Sadly we don’t have any photos of it when we lived there. We lived in the downstairs maisonette. We had a tree and crazy paving out the front.
Out the back we had a huge narrow garden of about 60 yards. With apple trees, pear tree, and plum trees. There was also a pond. Under the pond was a disused WW2 air raid shelter… Full of water from the pond.
If you open the door you found yourself in a small hallway under the stairs, the living room was to your left and was the shape of a thrupenny piece.,old money, with a fireplace, two doors and a bay window quite a challenge to arrange furniture.
Then going through the secon door there was another square hall to the left was bedroom , to the right a small hall off of which was the bathroom and our bedroom, the kitchen was across the hall from the lounge. We were very happy there. Over 51 years ago .
This week Lauren is in charge of Throwback Thursday This week’s prompt is: Suds, Buds, and Vino
1) Did you grow up in a family that had beer or wine at family meals? Were either beverages part of your parent’s “relaxation” time?
My mum was teatotal really I don’t think I ever saw her have a drink maybe a sip at celebrations. Dad an Irish man was a Guinness man and used to go to the local pub or local club for a Guinness. He prefered the bottled Guinness to the draft unless we were visiting Ireland where he always drank the draught. My elder brothers and sisters all would have a drink at celebrations or parties. There was always drink in the house but it was not abused.
2) Was wine consumed as part of religious or family celebrations? If so, when?
We were a Catholic family the Catholic communion was the priest would hand out the holy host (the bread) then he would drink the wine. In the sixties the Vatican decided it would be a better experience for the whole congregation to receive both the bread and wine , as the Protestant Church had always done. So 1st April 1963 the wine became part of the sacrament. (Yes I did say April 1st)
3) Were you allowed to have a “sip” of the adult beverages?
On high days and holidays unlike the dog Steve who got drunk at every opertunity!
4) When you were a teenager did it bother you that your parents had one set of behaviors, yet you were expected to have another?
No we just accepted things in those days.
5) When you were in high school, did you or your friends drink alcohol? If you were underaged, how did you acquire the booze?
I was not fourteen when I met my husband but I did have a Saturday/holiday job in a boutique. I had access to drink when I joined work colleagues, or if I was out with hubby who was three years older than me we’d sit outside in the pub garden and the older members of the group would buy the rounds.
6) Were you offered marijuana or other drugs while in high school? If you chose to partake, did it get you into trouble, or were you never caught?
I can honestly say I have never smoked marijuana or taken any non prescription drug in my life…. Scardy cat!And I have seen the deviation it causes.
7) Did you ever get too drunk or too high to function? How did your body react to that?
Strangely enough I never really got really drunk until I was in my thirties! Only once! my legs did not work nor did my mouth or brain and I was sick 🤢 for a couple of days ! Thankfully I have only been happily tipsee since!
8) Have your opinions about taking drugs and drinking alcohol changed over time? Are you more conservative or more liberal than you were in your youth?
I really did not take much notice when I was young . It was all around me and I saw some shocking sights. I did see many lives ruined. In fact I had a friend in school she was popular, pretty, clever and came from a caring family. She was dead before she was sixteen. Her death and others that I knew hardened my attitude. I believe all drugs including marijuana should all be banned and illegal. If you need Marijuana or cannabis oil for cancer or pain it should be available on prescription. I do not bang on about it but that’s how I feel. It ruins lives not just the addict but their families and friends.
9) If applicable, did you raise your children with the same beliefs that you grew up with?
Yes I did my very best.
10) If you had any input over alcohol or marijuana laws would you change them?
I have seen many lives ruined by Alcohol and drugs …but sadly I think you can have as many laws as you like but you cannot stop people who want to kill themselves they will always find away.
Maggie is in charge of Throwback Thursday this week. She was in Florida visiting family and I flew home today. She said: “I am already dreading saying goodby to my family. These thoughts are what inspired the topic this week.”
Which is : Saying Hello and Goodbye.
Did you live close by or far away from close family or grandparents?
I never knew my father’s parents they were born in Dublin as were my father and his brothers and sisters ….. They did move to England and settled in Manchester. My Mum’s parents were from Oxford and I think I met them once. I was the youngest of nine children and my parents did not marry young.
How often did you see or visit extended family? We used to visit my Dad’s brother who lived a bus ride away in Chiswick quite often. ….the rest of Dad’s family lived in Manchester so we usually visited there once or twice a year. We didn’t visit my mum’s elder brother much he was not very nice to her….appears in the end he lived very near to us but never got in touch by with mum…there by hangs a tail for another day. We visited Uncle Reg (Mums next brother) and Aunty Gladys who lived in Oxford a couple of times a year and they visited us too. My cousin Anne who was about 15/16 years older than me had a daughter who I always thought was my cousin ( until I got older) we were very close and still are and Summer holidays were mostly spent together, two weeks in Oxford and two weeks in London.
Was the coming together cheerful and celebrated in some way? It was always wonderful to visit or be visited there were always big family get togethers, with food, drink , singing and dancing!
Which relative did you enjoy seeing the most? Why? All of them really!
Were there relatives you dreaded visiting? If so, why? No none at all .
If you were the visitor, was the trip short and easy or was it a journey? It was always a journey, we were in London, so it was a coach ride to Oxford or a train journey to Manchester, even uncle Tony who lived in Chiswick which meant a bus or tube and a walk.
Were your visits short or extended? If extended visits, where did you sleep? Bed, sofa bed, couch, floor? Oxford and Manchester were extended visits, too far for a day trip? In Oxford I shared a bed with Lindy the rest of the family would sleep where ever they could, double up in beds, floors, sofas…same when they visited us and also when we visited Manchester or when they visited us it was sleep where you could!
When it came time to leave, was it difficult to say goodbye? Yes indeed it was for everyone.
How often do you visit extended family now? We have over the years had lots of get-togethers but now adays there are less and less alive and the pandemic has made sure we have not mixed as much as we had in the past…. Weddings, and Funerals, Big Birthdays and other occasions we still meet up but these days they are more close family dos. Though hubby and I are meeting up with my cousin Lindy and her hubby next week 💜
If you could see a relative who is no longer alive, who would it be? Why? Mum, Dad, my sister Mary who I miss dearly and my eldest brother Timothy who I never met. 💜 As I said I miss them so .
This week’s prompt is: Family Meal Rituals and comes from Maggie. As you know Throwback Thursday is Maggie and Lauren’s brainchild…they are both back this week after a short break. Welcome back Ladies.
So Maggie said : “I will give you some questions to help you along. Or, free write if you would rather. You can either respond in the comments or link back to this post. My response will follow.”
Let’s start at the top of the day, breakfast! Did your family have a sit down breakfast or were you more grab and go? What beverages were served at breakfast? What was your favorite (and/or least favorite) breakfast meal?
Breakfast was considered the most important meal of the day in my childhood. When we were all small, we the others not me so much as I was way behind the others, breakfast was a sit down in the front room. As we all grew and had different places to get to , school, college, kindergarten or work it became a relay in the kitchen . There was a blue cupboard/ dresser in there that had a pull out or fold down table incorporated in it….we could manage anything from two to four people ar a time! Sunday was mostly a formal sit down affair. Least likely breakfast…boiled eggs, always too runny or too hard. Porridge not a big favourite either. I used to love cornflakes and toast and marmalade 💜💜
Did you snack before the mid-day meal?
No not really. At least I don’t remember.
Lunch for most children was eaten at school with the exception of weekends, holidays, or summer vacation. At school, did you buy your lunch from the cafeteria, or did you pack lunch?
I can remember in Junior school having school dinners….they were mediocre at best….lumpy mash, lumpy custard, but there were sausages, and roast potatoes and of course jam rolly poly pudding and custard…nice. When I went to the senior part of the school I took a packed lunch. Sandwiches, apples and in the winter a flask of soup. Occasionally I went home for lunch, to get away from bullying girls…the walk there and back was about 40 mins leaving me twenty minutes to see mum and eat maybe something on toast. I got me out of school though.
In high school, were you allowed to leave school grounds during the lunch period?
Only with express permission if I was going home I had to have permission.
For times when you had lunch at home, was it sandwiches, leftovers, or a newly prepared meal?
It would be all of the above depending on time according to time.
The evening meal is usually the most formal meal in many homes. Did your family sit down together and enjoy the evening meal or were you more of a TV dinner in front of the TV family?
Dad got in at about 5.30/ 6pm and we all sat down and ate together.
How did your weekend meals differ from your weekdays?
Well Saturday was busy so lunch was a free for all but the evening meal was a family affair.
Sunday was usually breakfast after Church toast and cereal then dinner was at 2pm big roast dinner with all the trimmings, gravy, a sauce reliant to the meat followed by pudding. Tea would be bread and jam, sandwiches or toast
Who did most of the cooking in your household? Did that person also do the meal planning and grocery shopping? Were you taught to cook or were you shoo’d out of the kitchen?
Mum did it all but we all helped, preparing peeling veg and after we did the washing and drying up and cleaned the cooker. Mum planned all the meals, usually: Roast Sunday, cold meat and bubble and squeak Monday, beef casserole Tuesday, Wednesday was chops or toad in the hole, Thursday liver and bacon, Friday fish, Saturday what ever was about! Mum taught us all to cook and shop and bake. Exceptions: Every of Wimbledon fortnight except for Sunday we had salad… Mum loved tennis! Sometimes on a Friday we had fish and chips from the chippy at the top of our road.
Did you have dessert served at your meals? If so, what types? Not always but mum did her best with what she had…Rice pudding, summer pudding, fruit pies and crumbles, jam rolly poly, treacle pudding, treacle tart, jam tart, fruit and carnation cream,lots of custard, occasionally cream. All very tasty.
Who cleaned up after meals? Was it a shared responsibility between men/women, girls/boys or was it delegated based on gender?. We all had to help though some were less willing than others!
How about late night snacks? Okay or discouraged? Usually toast or creals depending on if we had enough milk or toast. Though mum usually had cakes or biscuits she’d made in the cupboard.
Were dining manners stressed in your household? No elbows on the table, no hats at the table, no belching, please, thank you, and may I be excused?
All of the above Dad was very strict and we were all excepted to be sitting quietly when he sat down . Then we had to say grace …..then we had to be on our best behaviour!
Did you have occasions where you had large family gatherings for meals? What occasions?
Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, New Year. There were so many of us living in that house plus waifs and strays that every meal was a huge occasion?
Did you say grace or have a blessing before meals?
Yes always.
Now for the fun part. What dishes are you glad disappeared over the years? What dishes have you carried forward into your own home?
I don’t miss casseroles, but make stews instead.. Really l still make a lot of meals that were made in my childhood.
BONUS: Care to share any favorite family recipes? If you want any just ask if I wrote them all down I’d be here another couple of hours 💜💜💜
I am with 12 years of experience and ready to achieve any type of works such as, converting any form from JPG, PDF, ...etc into Excel,Word, PowerPoint and other editable forms, In addition to having a deep experience in inserting and managing data
willowdot21 