Loveuary: Day 12. Love Lost.

The  lovely  and  talented Ritu  of butIsmileanyway.com has set us all off on Loveuary. I for one am excited with the task. What is love? We shall find out as the month goes on.

Link to Ritu’s post
Link to rules and prompts

Today  is  Day  12 of  Loveuary. Now  I  know Judy  of  Edwina’s Episodes  has  covered  this  subject  but as  I  had  planned  to  do  this  post, I have  asked  her  if  she  would  mind  me  doing  mine  and  she  gracefully  said  she  was happy  for  me  to. So my  post  today  is  Love  Lost. 

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Did they know me, those tiny souls, did they grieve as they left, for me and their lives un -lived. I grieved for them though in those days to grieve for that loss was not done . Yet grieve I did for those souls lost that I had been gifted.

Had I done something wrong , was it something I moved or something I had lifted. I suppose I shall never know. It seemed so unkind that the first one was lost while I was out. In pub toilet, I was frightened and alone my husband and friends on the other side of the wall celebrating.  Was that soul as scared as me. God forgive me the inside of a toilet the first sight to see. I was mortified so guilty it was not even a shape so I flushed it away in fear. I bit on my lip to off set the pain I wanted to stop this but that was in vain. So I cleaned up the blood and painted my lips then wiped my mascara smudges with my finger tips.

The rest of the evening I sat and cried inside , “your quiet tonight is anything wrong ” I was asked  but of course I denied. I was gutted and hurt and slightly in pain  but so so empty inside. When we got home I shared my grief I was met with disbelief. Not of the facts but that I had  not said, well best not make  a fuss lets get you to bed.

It was not my fault the doctor said “natures way of clearing away anything that was not perfect. A practice run”. He was so bright and brisk ,off hand I was taken aback. Was nature so cruel so matter of fact. I had done nothing wrong he said, I needed more reassurance to assuage my guilt but he only suggest two days off work and a rest in bed.

Did that soul grieve did it  forgive me , I grieved for it for its soul and the life it did not see.

After the Christening of our first born , three  years later, I was exhausted and so hot, mind you it had been a lot of work and I had put in my all not being one to shirk. Things got worse and I knew at once what was happening to me. I did my best to get away from the visitors , the centre of attention was not what I wanted to be. We called the doctor when everyone had gone  he suggest I rest, with a young babe, come on!

I had lost one he told me  but the other was still there. I felt sorrow, grief  and guilt. For this to happen again it just did not seem fair. Try as I might I had only my self to blame I grieved  for a soul that my body had denied  life again. I thought I could  feel no worse but there was more to come, for a few days later I lost the other one .

A quick D and C will see you all right  you will be in hospital and out not even overnight. Yes that was true  and my body mended fast but the guilt for these souls was something that lasts.

Time is a great healer and I know that is true for life has given me plenty to do. I have three children and they are all boys they have given me hassle and they given me joys. I have had my hands full but they have all grown and flown, well. I remember my mother whispering to me “be glad with what you have and don’t fill your home with boys looking for a girl.” I knew she was right but back then it gave me no joy I felt a big hole created  by the tiny lost souls.

I have never discussed this in any depth till today, as when it all happened things like grief had all to be tucked away. I feel grief and guilt still, for the babies, there that  is the first time I have said that. But one question still remains with me till this day.

Did they know me, those tiny souls, did they grieve as they left, for me and their lives un-lived. I grieved for them though in those days, to grieve for that loss was not done . Yet grieve I did for those souls lost that I had been gifted, had I done something wrong.

 

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Crow Angel 3

Oh! he was broken and scared he hid his face from this harsh world to look on this place was more than he dared.

He could not believe the dark things he saw. The hate, the fear, the carnage of war.The way some fed on what they chose while others starved and froze.

He stood in the midst of this evil world and screamed out his heart for the loss of his crow angel.He was dirty, covered in mud he was not used to this nor the pain from his broken wings oozing blood.

He fell to his knees and called out her name. Three crows watched him from the trees, she was not there but three crows to him came.

They landed gently next to him where he prayed they asked Brother why such grief do you display. He told them his story of love and banishment. He’d find his crow angel he would never give up until his life’s essence was spent.

Her wings were dying and she was tired of all the pain her heart was broken she feared she would never see her beautiful angel lover again.

The crows, her constant companions always by her side kept he appraised of the search across the earth far and wide.

Why this awful punishment why all this grief   their only crime was love and sexual relief. She dare not think of that it only made the pain worse the memory their ecstasy had become a curse.

She longed to feel his touch and to taste his lips and oh! to wrap her legs around his beautiful hips.

Then at last the crows brought our dark angel the only news she wanted to hear. They had found her angel lover and he was very near. They had found him lost and alone, they had tended his wounds then to her they had happily guided him back here to their home.

So together with the crows they inhabited the towers they flew the skies at night . They  never, never for a second forgot the debt they owed the crows. They loved them as children and protected them at all times they fiercely sheltered them from all of humanity’s crimes.

They loved each other dearly these beautiful crow angels they took strength from each other and their feathered  friends …. and they  prayed that God would forgive them their sin one day in the end

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