The ‘pain control nurse’ had been and chaned my dosage …. up as usual. The trouble is the pain is no different but I just seem to find it more and more difficult to concentrate. I was drfting off now ………
“Hello” , a new voice, foreign , gentle sing song , what nice eyes. “Are you awake willow” I am tempted to not asnwer but politeness gets the best of me. “I am here to help you, would you mind if I gave you a bedbath” I hesitate because it does not seem right, a young man asking me if I would like a bed bath. However I have not had a good wash let alone a bed bath since I was admitted, he is also offering to change my pyjamas and the bed. So far I have had a lick and a promise and I am longing to feel fresh again.
What a change from the usual begruding treatment I had received so far. I was bathed put in clean pyjamas and in a freshly changed bed I was exhausted but comfortable. The young nurse told me he had been at the hospital for about a year. His kindness and respect made me feel safe and at no time threatened.
Over the next week I learnt a lot about him, he had been in the French Foreign Legion, a Gendarme and now a Nurse. He used to come into our ward and chat when he had the time and sometimes if he was not too busy he would have a cup of tea with us. More than once when I was feeling really low he would make me a bird or a flower with paper. He was an exstremely talented and kind young man who lived life to the full and who was not afraid to put himself out to help others. He made my life bearable I missed him when I was moved to yet another ward!
So where ever you are, dear young french male nurse, I want to let you know you helpped me through a terrifying lonely time. I often listened to Alanis Morrisette and Thank You at that time, and the dreamlike video shows how exposed and out there I felt. Small acts of kindness helped me through. So thank you nurse you made a difference.
BTW that is just a random photo the nurse I met was much more handsome!!
It is dark and they are coming to get me ………. I hear the footsteps in my ears , then a gun shot. BANG! Oh! help my eyes fly open and I am in bed on the ward. The footsteps and the gun shot come from my Ipod and the book I am listening to. I had dozed off again. I am so stiff if only I could turn over but as ever I am trapped in this brace.
My husband had downloaded some James Patterson, books on to my Ipod and mostly I am enjoying them just every so often I loose my hold on reality and it all turns into a nightmare. I am not sure of the time, it all regimented in here but also very easy to loose all sense of time.
When did I get here which ward am I on, I can’t hear Gwen calling for Angela. Think willow, think where am I did I move……… Yes I did that Nurse upset me, the one with the funny name she really stressed me out.
I get so upset and I cry easily, I am not like that. I do not cry at the drop of a hat. I try hard not to but it just happens. When is my operation, no one will tell me , I wonder why !
The story is getting very scary again, this man has is stalking Detective Cross and his family they are all in danger, am I in danger . I just wish I knew which ward I am in and where I am.
Will I run free, OH! God will I ever walk again…………………….
My husband and the the boys are here again, they have all come so far to see me. I love their faces they ground me, making some sense in this mad house. Last night an elderly lady was brought up to the ward at about 1am she was destraught. I think se had fallen in the snow and lain alone for a while before her family or neighbours found her. She is screaming and crying and wanting to go home.
All the commotion woke me from a fitful sleep even with my headphones on I could hear the distressed woman crying. I am not sure which ward I am on. “Rose, Rose, are you there are you awake. ” Yes and yes and now I have my barings, we wonder who is screaming and why. Is she in pain, is anyone with her. Damn I wish I could get out of this bed and find her I am sure all she needs are a few kind words or just a touch. God knows that is what we all need.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I tell my eldest son to move before the metal runners holding the curtains around my bed collapse on him. He smiles that unsure smile he has worn since I have been in here, my youngest son assures me that there is no way the metal is going to fall .
How does he know this, cannot I see the metal waving , getting looser and looser?
Last night I hardly slept, I listen to a frightened soul as she in fear wept.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Nurse, I am worried about the lady in the corner she did not eat her dinner and she did not eat her breakfast either. I am concerned does she need some help?” “You don’t need to worry about her she has a secret stash of biscuits and chocolate she won’t go hungry. ” Says the nurse as she sashays out the doorway.
Emma is crying , it is 10pm , and I can tell she is upset. Emma is eighteen, pregnant and unwell, no one seems to know what is wrong with her. “Whats wrong Emma”, I ask, I can’t sleep so I may as well see if I can help. Emma is crying because they want to take blood and Emma is needle phobic. The poor girl was terrified and the two nurses and the technician where getting angry with her. Bless Emma, she was not budging.
“Emma, Emma” I called to her, “what is the problem” Emma was young for her age and she was genuinely frightened. “I ‘ll hold your hand Emma and you will be alright. You can have Mr G for the night as well,” I coaxed her. ( Mr G was my Giraffe )
She agreed, when the nurse and the blood technician returned it was 10.30pm, what time of the night was that to be hassling young vunerable girls for blood. The technician was not best pleased, she did not want Emma sitting in the chair next to my bed, ” Not proper procediure , “I promise I won’t tell” I wispered to Emma who was hugging Mr G. ” She should be in her own bay” The technician complained. Emma whimpered loudly.
“Do you want to go home tonight I asked , because I want to sleep. Please I implored” well she was not best pleased but it was nearly 11pm and I was so tired that it made me brave for Emma. Thankfully sanity won out , the technician took Emma’s blood in my bay, me as ever trapped in my bed Emma huddled in my chair clinging to me and Mr G.
In and out of sleep , it is very confusing. There is no rest really the pain does not let up and it is only when the drugs are administered that I drift off properly. Gwen is as ever calling for Audrey , the lady next too me is dosing and I feel so odd. My husband has put some books on my Ipod the only trouble is that I drift off mid story and it is so hard to rewind.
6am lights on and breakfast, it is easier to have toast I can eat that lying down, though I would like some porridge but there is no one to help me …. so toast it is. The lady next to me tells me how nice the porridge is… yes I bet it is. Time for blood pressure and temperature , ” have you passed a motion willow?” “No not yet” I reply. “we can give you some medicine for that ” the nurse says ………….. they can give medicine for everything but can they make me walk. I drift off again.
8.30am ” Hello willow time to wash dress you and change your bed”. I just smile I hate this , I understand it has to be done and they do it well but they talk over me about their lives, have they have mistaken me for one of the old ladies in here that cannot or will not comunicate . Shall I interupt their chatter or shall I…… there you go all clean and comfy now. They walk away and I am alone again time for Imogen I think !
My head is so messed up where the hell am I … oh! God I can’t move , help, help!
“Hello Willow I am just doing your blood pressure , it is high are you okay? ” I look at the nurse and I try to say I am scared I keep having bad dreams and I feel so trapped in this body brace. What I do say is “I am okay just having strange dreams, do you know when my operation will be ?” No she shakes her head.
She doesn’t know , I watch her walk off and I am slipping off again, Imogen is singing in my head
10.am The lady comes round with the hot drink, I have coffee in a beaker with a straw , it tastes funny but it the only way to get a drink.
…………. “hi ” It is a doctor now, ” what are you listening to?” I am about to tell him but he is asking me more questions , it is so hard to concentrate but I do my best.
12midday dinner arrives, Oh! I am in luck today the young girl is here to help me. She is African and so pretty she has a pretty nature too. She smiles and talks to me as she feeds me , she listens to me , she really does. I ask her is she going to be a nurse , no she is going to be a pharmasist , shame she would be a great nurse.
1pm the cleaner is here she is nice always smiling but she does not speak a word of English. She has the most lovely eyes.
“Hello Willow how was your morning ” it is my husband he is here to help me through the afternoon, trouble is I keep slipping in and out of sleep. Why will they not operate I will feel safer, stronger, better after they have. My husband talks and I listen, he tells me how cold it is , how bad the snow is. I want to be awake but I just keep slipping away.
3pm the tea lady again she gives me a beaker with a straw of coffee and my husband a cup of tea for my husband. The lady in the next bed had has two biscuits.
6pm dinner arrives, my husband helps me, he is getting good at this.
He stays till about 7.30pm I urge him to go home and rest.
I ring for a bedpan the nurse says ” surely you have a catheter” “yes” I said ” I do not need to pee”. It is almost impossible to use a bed pan when you are laying flat. This nurse leaves me on the bedpan for over 20mins then longer after I have rung for her to help me. I ask her have I been , no she says walking away. ………. Why can’t I tell if I have been, why can’t I go, why can’t I feel . My stomach really hurts, so does my back hurt so much, I start to cry then the cloak of sleep surounds me again.
11.30pm I hear the nurses starting the drugs round the night shift must be here , they are so noisy, blood pressure, temperature , pluse, tablets. Straighten the bed. Lights out ..not bad tonight it is middnignt. Let me get these headphones back in shut the ward out. …………………………
“Is that a huge black slug or a nasty black worm ” I asked my eldest son . He was sitting next to my bed and holding my hand, ” where mum ” he asked on a laugh! “Up there I said over the clock, I don’t like it , it keeps moving” Quizical look and and gentle reassuring ” No mum I think you are tripping again. You know it is me, not you that does weird !”
He was right I do not not do weird I was the sensible Mum here. I was the adult ( even though he was 36yrs at the time, 40yrs now ). He was right though I was finding it so hard to hold things together my head was buzzing and my back hurt so much . I had a catheter which was good but I was totally constipated all the time. My body seemed to have gone totally haywire. My brain addled with painkillers was panicking , will I ever walk again, will I even stand up will I ever manage to go to the toilet again……… sorry but base as that is that was what I was panicking about, that and what was the black slug/worm doing on top of the clock.
The Dr , no sorry he is a mister, a surgeon , is standing at the bottom of my bed again with all his minions , a sea of faces , international faces. I wish I knew when they will operate , perhaps they have forgotten what they said they would do. I will ask him again. Mr ……. can you tell me exactly what you are going to do. ” I told you yesterday do you rally think I have nothing better to do with my time than to tell you again today? “OH! his bark is as bad as his bite, er no I suppose not. Oh! well I give up , lets put my Ipod on and loose myself in a story.
“Willow” , a hand on my shoulder, “Willow sorry to wake you , ” Oh! it is that really nice registar Mr … ” Willow I am sorry Mr … is very brisk he doesn’t mean anything by his way. He just thinks it is as easy for everyone to understand what he is doing, as it is for him! ” He is smiling at me now and explaining again what they are going to do but they have to wait for the kit to arrive and the swelling to go down. Why am I so scared.
OH! Another Dr what now ? Hello, OH! big smile, it is no d0ctor it is my husband . He has got here through the snow again. He has bought me a rasberry mousse , thank you so much. I have fallen asleep again then the pain wakes me up . Time for oramorph then back to sleep again.
My patient husband he used struggle in to visit me every day, and we were in the throws of one of our really bad winter spells snow and ice everywhere. But he percivered .
The weather was bad and lots of old ladies ( and men no doubt but I did not see too many of them.) were addmitted at regular intivals of the day and night.
Angela , Angela where is Angela ? That was a question that I was going to get very used to. It would be asked morning , noon and night by Gwen. Angela arrived everyday at 2pm and she stayed until 8pm at night.She was as quiet as a mouse and she was always smiling . It did not matter whether she was there or not the question was asked every few minutes.
I remember there were four of us in the ward and we were all tired , there were Mavis and Joan oposite me and Barbara beside me . It was 2am and none of us could sleep because Gwen was calling for Angela . As Gwen asked for the where abouts of Angela for the 9o99th time we all chorused “Shut up Gwen” We were all amazed when she did . We all relaxed , it is amazing how it grates on the nerves to hear someone in true distress appealing for someone , not knowing if there are there or not. We all enjoyed 10mins of total silence … well almost silence the night staff were as usual chatting about their exciting lives giggling and being generally noisy. But it was bliss.
Angela , Angela where is Angela ? what could we do we all just bust out laughing……………… what are those tears , yes I am so tired . Angela , Angela where is Angela ?
Hi again, I seem to be talking as me a little more of late. Maybe it is because you have all helped me feel at home and safe.
Today I am going to open up to you about my stay in hospital after breaking my back ( four years ago). I have been talking to “Let’s cut the crap” about some of the experiences I had had with the children when they were small. Somehow or other we had touched on my time in hospital and it has got me thinking so here we go. Here to start is what I had said to “Let’s cut the crap” ( sorry I do not know another name for her! )
I broke my back and was in hospital for a month! The standard of nursing was sadly lacking absolutely no caring or compassion. I was in a body brace for a fortnight before the first op ( to allow the bruising and swelling to go down and also to allow the the special kit they needed to order to fix me, to arrive.) I had to lay flat all the time. The nurse ( usually the same one) would plonk down a bowl and a flannel and wonder off. She would return after 20/30 mins and say ” Have you washed ” I would say ” No sorry I can’t reach and I can’t move. ) She would huff and puff and then proceed to wash me in the tepid or cold water that she had left there earlier. Same with food they would leave it then ask where you not hungry to which I’d say yes but I can’t get to it ! My husband used to come in early to help me. Mercifully I got moved to a ward where they did at least try to be helpful but whichever ward I was on the night staff were invariably noisy rude and uncaring. A sad inditement on the nurses and Drs who to be fair are very stretched and I did meet some who were very kind to me.
When I was first taken in to accident and emergency it was about 5am , I was triaged and sent to Xray which confirmed I had broken my back. Apparently my spine had exploded and there were pieces of bone floating around ready at any second to nick my spinal cord. By 4pm I had not been assigned to a proper ward or managed to pass urine. I was stressed and in pain , my husband had had to go home and get me some things. I was almost begging for pain relief and as I could not pass any urine I was asking for a catheter. The sister told me she needed the Dr to arrive and prescribe both for me.
I was beginning to think I would not have any relief that day and I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, I was very agitated. I noticed a young man approaching my bed, he stopped and spoke to the sister. Then he stepped closer and said, ” Hi Mum, I have spoken to the sister and you need a special xray, hopefully when that is done the Dr will have been.” I took a double take and saw it was my middle son. He put his bag down and said ” I am coming with you and I shall be with you all the way.
My middle son was a prison officer at the time ( he has in the last year changed his job completely and moved nearer to us .) He was completely in work mode and as he accompanied me to Xray he was completely in control. He had arrived in the nick of time and had reassured me and I did feel much better knowing he was there.
When we got back from Xray there was a lady waiting to fit me with a body brace, then the Dr arrived and prescribed some pain management and a catheter. Shortly after that my husband arrived. My lad had done a first class job on damage limitation.
I was very lucky all three of my sons arrived to see me and they all had long journeys to get to the hospital. The three of them and my husband were absolutely great. I remember vaguely one late afternoon the boys had all arrived within a half hour of each other and they were all sitting round the bed trying to make sense of the drivel I was spouting due to the Morphine I had been given. One of the surgeons had arrived and was animatedly telling me what they were going to do with my back, how unusual the operation was and how they would have to order in a special kit to pin and fuse my spine.
Not one word sunk in I was away with the fairies, Luckily when my husband arrived the lads were able to tell him what the Dr had said. I was too busy worrying that the large metal frames holding up the curtains round the bed were about to drop on me. I was also desperately trying to understand why somebody had Selotaped 10pence pieces to the curtains. My eldest son found this distressing and too this day tells me how weird it was to see his mum “tripping”.
At the start of this post I was saying how I was struck by the lack of compassion and care from the nurses. I mentioned the nurse who never remembered that I could not sit up let alone not move. Finally after a week I ended up on another ward . The first morning I woke up on that ward I was approached by a French male nurse he was extremely handsome and very kind. He asked me if I had had a bed bath I told him I had not. He then asked me if I would be happy for him to give me a bath and a change of pajamas, I replied that that I would be so grateful. I was not sure if I was happy with this but desperate to feel clean and comfortable.
The nurse managed to engage me in conversation and bath me with dignity and change my pajamas and the bed without too much pain and discomfort and absolutely no embarrassment. He was worlds apart from the brash and bad tempered nurse in the first ward. He often used to pop in and talk to all the ladies in the bay I was in and he also made us all paper flowers and animals. It all goes to show a little care made all the difference.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I need to go to bed now so until the next time hugs to you all.
