Okay I hope that no one will mind if I open up again. No doubt some of you will run for the hills thinking me bad and ugly or mad. Well that’s how I feel.
Yet I trust you guys and I need to get this out because it’s frightening me.
Now, I have not been well for months well actually it’s been about 18 months maybe longer who knows. I have felt myself slowing up, loosing weight being tired . I was beginning to get stressed. I was afraid to eat because it always ended up with me having indigestion or being sick or both. Then in June I had pain I have never had to cope with before. Yes, worse than childbirth, broken back or even sepsis.
Anyway to avoid going through it all again, what happened next was me in and out of hospital, wearing a Cholesystectomy drain and bag for three months and now I am another month into waiting for an operation. The symptoms are returning and I am scared the excruciating pain will return.
Whats worse I feel guilty because it’s not cancer or anything fatal, it a huge stone blocking my gall bladder. Though apartently in June it was so poisonous they said it was “Too dangerous to operate” .
I feel ill yes, not unwell, not poorly, actually ill. I can’t tell family, there’s been so much happening in the strange Covid times. That hubby has enough to cope with. Though he has been wonderful.
Still there is one more thing that I am finding even more difficult. It’s not the internal itching, described as bad blood or any of the other symptoms it’s what I keep seeing in my head. I can’t get away from it.
The picture below is how I now see my insides. My organs, my viens and arteries every inch of me feels dark and dirty and I want to get hold of the muck and pull it out.
Pixabay Please
I can’t escape it, eyes open or shut it’s there screaming at me. Also things in everyday life are getting to me. Gravel on the path, looks like my insides, rip it out! Stones in mud, acorns and leaves, tuffs of grass or weeds that’s what my insides look like … please rip it out!
So there it is I have actually told you. Does anyone else know what I am talking about. Am I going mad. I do hope you don’t think I am mad does anyone else feel this feelings? Thank you for listening.
Our friends Sue Vincent and Mary Smith are both fighting Cancer right now. Both have hit another capital C. I am not talking about chemo nasty as that is. No I am talking about Constipation! Well all I can say is I have been there and it is horrendous! It may not seem like a big health issue but believe me it is. It certainly is not glamorous. So I am hoping to bring a smile to their faces and anyone else in the same or similar position. They have both discussed constapation in the comments on Mary’s blog and Mary has written about it at length, so I am betraying no secrets.
So to any of you who don’t do bodily functions or honesty perhaps this is not a poem for you .
Ruddy Constipation
Oh! This bloody constipation It is causing me such consternation I try my best eating veg and fruit But do I shift it, no, I just toot. Oh! The pain is so extreme I push and push, grimace and scream. Just to pass a motion now seems like a dream The truth is more a nightmare This dam shit is set on staying there. I stand, I sit, I squat but the body is not playing That,the laxative will work soon! I am truly praying!
**********
So I am sending this out to everyone suffering with cancer or any illness or disability. Keep fighting and keep taking the laxative!
Mary and Sue keep fighting!
You can visit Sue and Mary’s blogs using the Links at the beginning of this post.
I am posting one of my older blogs today because Linda G Hill’s post The MMR Vaccination Debate – a Parental Perspective. really made me think and think hard . My two older children both in their forties did not have the MMR . I was advised against it because they both had chronic Asthma . They both had Measles , Mumps and Whooping Cough. I decided the third son would have all vacinations . Somehow he developed Whooping Cough before his second week of life. He is in his thirties now with a wife and baby.
Please have the vaccinations if they illnesses return they are killers! Here are links to imformation but do investigate for yourselves.
He was always being sick, I was not imagining it nor was I imagining that noise he was making . It sounded like whooping cough, but he was only two weeks old?
I was at my whits end, he had started being sick before I had even left the hospital, yet no one would listen to me. I had had enough and so here I was in the Drs surgery siting in the hallway, because my beautiful baby was coughing so much he was being sick and I could not stand the reproving looks from the other waiting, patients.
I was sweating and stressed I knew this baby was ill, I had been through some very scary things with my other two boys . P spending the first fortnight of his life in an incubator because he had ‘post natal distress’ . Both boys had had collapsed lungs due to asthma, M had had his tonsils out then hemorrhaged when I got him home! he and P had both had Measles and Mumps and chickenpox to name a few , need I go on I did know a sick child when I saw one!
Finally the Dr called us in. I had known him now for the last nine years and he insisted we use first names which did make things feel easier. He was not happy with J, he was not sure if he had a blockage in his throat or stomach but also felt that as I knew my baby best, I could be right in my diagnosis ! I can tell you now I did not want to be right!
All the Dr could do was pat me on the shoulder and pack us off to the nearest hospital. He had rung ahead and alerted the pediatric ward of our plight. I do no remember how I got to the hospital , there were no mobile phones, I did not drive in those days and I doubt I took the bus. I should think I had either phoned my husband from the surgery,and as all of my friends who drove would also of had children and I could not in all conscience expose any of them to whatever it was that J had.
I remember being in the hospital though, I was with J in a single room. A glass wall separating us from the nursing station. I did not realize immediately that J was on the danger list and we were in a Barrier Nursing Ward. I was wearing a gown and watching my baby, my little boy sleeping fitfully and coughing , coughing, coughing!
I spent whole days there and often late into the evenings, my husband joining me as often as he could. My neighbour helped by picking the boys up from school and feeding them for me. I had often looked after her daughter, even taken her on holiday……. but I still felt bad. I would drop them off at school in the morning then go straight up to the hospital. I don’t remember how but I managed to shop and do the washing look after the boys and one weekend we even had visitors.
One weekend my husband brought P and M and the little girl next door to see J, they were not allowed on the ward so my husband walked them right round the building and they waved and made faces through the window….. good job we were on the ground floor. It hurt me to see them touching the glass, looking so sad, they really loved and missed J.
For some reason it took the medical staff nearly a fortnight to finally tell us for certain that J had Whooping Cough! How did he get that straight out of hospital, I just don’t know. He was so ill it was awful, I had to watch him suffering that awful cough. Every time he was sick I had to feed him a bottle of milk then he would sleep then the cough would start. Then one weekend I had gone home for a rest, ( we had visitors ). I had just had a bath and got ready to face the world when the hospital rang to say it was touch and go. They asked us not to come in as there was nothing we could do and we would only get upset.
Get up set ?……… I was upset. I stood in the hall looking at the phone, when our guests came out to ask when we were going out for our meal. ……. I don’t remember what or if I ate all I remember is worrying…………….
However he made it through the night, he took months to recover infact it was over a year before he really improved. I could not take him out until the summer, he was born in the January and was not able to be taken out until late May early June.
Now I have not been able to do one of these themes for a while and I may not be able to another for a while so I hope the others will not mind my jumping in!
When do we need a doctor?
Well who knows but I am going back to my youth for my Dr tales… Better than the real ones!!
First off lets have a smile with Peter Sellers and Sofia Loren with Goodness Gracious Me
Then lets go back to when I was a young gal!! with the Thompsom Twins with a slower than usual version of Doctor Doctor
It takes me back to when I was 27yrs .. better than a Doctor!
Next lets have the sugar and honey voice of Gregory Isaacs with Night Nurse. His vocice could cure most of my ills !
Lets pump the medicine up now with some heavy !! Van HAalen Somebody get me a doctor
Phew lets take it down again…… Another soothing doctor , who might ask, “if I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me!” Its Dr Hook and When you are are in love with a beautiful woman.
Now when the world is in trouble who do you call NO! Not ghost busters. You need Dr Who , here are the original theme and the rejigged theme from 2014.
And finally the time comes when you reach the bottom of the pit or the end of the road. No doctor can help you them. The most poigniant song I have ever heard is from the Verve singing The drugs don’t work.
These last few weeks have been so hard to cope with
Days so dark I have not wanted to wake up or even live.
Ties so deep that they should never be tested
Pulled so taught while they argued and each other bested!
So much illness too in the family I am finding so hard to bare
There is no way I can close my eyes and ears to it, truth is I really care.
Christmas presses closer like an evil leach. Dragging me down to hell
It sucks my heart out and shreds my soul, stress that I can’t quell.
Well I can take no more of this.
I shall retreat in to my music, headphones bliss.
Run I shall run, dance I shall dance in my head
I shall float away before it all explodes in y head!
Willowdot21 2014
Who better to help me than Immie . She is amazing she tells my life as it is!
Sparks might fly, in no time.
It’s a delayed reaction of the third kind. (ooh)
I’m so ready for this.
Shrink-wrapped tones, I can face the music.
Stop matters bonding us way beyond
Our best by-days.
You know we’ve had it good, we’ve had it bad, so no hard feelings.
We’ve done all we could and all again. I’m done pretending.
Let’s quit while we’re still friends.
Making up stories that grew to be too tall,
My fortress to forget couldn’t take anymore.
You nearly watched me ruin everything, everything!
There’s a number one rule of don’t-do’s.
Well we knew it all too well.
You were supposed to be looking out for me!
Have you any idea how difficult it’s been?
You know we’ve had it good, we’ve had it bad, so no hard feelings.
We’ve done all we could, and all again. Let’s save ourselves a sorry ending.
You know we’ve had it good, we’ve had it bad, but this is as far as we can stretch.
Let’s stop pretending, stop pretending.
And quit while we’re still friends [x2]
Well I was so young, misguided maybe.
But still this hands over my every pen to paper.
And this all started with a song.
Let this be our last one.
Drop, drop. Bridge, bridge!
We’ve had it good, we’ve had it bad, but this is as far as we can stretch.
Stop pretending!
And quit while we’re still friends.
I wish you well.
I wish you well… (I wish you well, wish you well, wish you well)
Wish you well, I wish you well, I won’t tell if you won’t tell.
I won’t hold it against you if you bow out gracefully. (gracefully)
Can we just not drag this out, please?
I wish you well, I wish you well, I won’t tell if you won’t tell.
I won’t hold it against you if you bow out gracefully, (do it gracefully!)
Can we just not drag this out?
I hope they will not think me selfish, I could really fight no more
Here comes death to claim me and I feel safe as he leads me to his door.
Peace, peace no pain, no needles no scans no sad sad smiles
I am going now, I love you all and I shall be here but not seen, loving you all the while……………….
Just a little explanatory word. I wrote this poem one afternoon last June, 2013, I do not know where it came from I just wrote it. It is about a person dying peacefully of some disease say Cancer. I have not known any of my lost friends who have passed this way but I wish it could be like this . I wish death could of been gentle for them and for all of us……….. please.
I hope they will not think me selfish, I could really fight no more
Here comes death to claim me and I feel safe as he leads me to his door.
Peace, peace no pain, no needles no scans no sad sad smiles
I am going now, I love you all and I shall be here but not seen, loving you all the while……………….
Just a little explanatory word. I wrote this poem this afternoon, I do not know where it came from I just wrote it. It is about a person dying peacefully of some disease say Cancer. I have not known any of my lost friends who have passed this way but I wish it could be like this . I wish death could of been gentle for them and for all of us ……….. please.
