Hello everyone and I do mean all of you who are kind enough to allow me to visit and who are always so welcoming when I visit you .
Yet again I have had to just empty my inbox and that breaks my heart because I know I will have missed so many beautiful, insughtful , happy, sad, let’s face it the whole gambit of blogging. Sorry but it had to be done so I can start afresh and not drown!
because I miss you
As I said in my previous posts things here have been hard. All through December we nursed Ruby, she had cancer , firstly daily visits to the Vetinary Hospital for wound dressing, then we needed to change the dressing ourselves twice a day and sleep down stairs with her for over a month. Then just as she was improving I had a P. V.D. you can read about that here.
As if that wasn’t enough Ms Ruby collapsed in the garden one morning and could not even stand for 24hrs that was due to Vestibular Disease which meant for a few days we had to carry her out to the garden for a wee and a pooh! This lasted a few days , she is better now but still very unsteady….we call her the drunken sailor. This also meant more time sleeping downstairs with her in turns!
Finally on the 19th January I had to stop blogging because hubby and I both developed chest infections, necessitating antibiotics. Unfortunately after three days I had an allergic reaction to the antibiotics and had to go to A&E. Long story short I was put on a 4 day course of high dose Prednisolone Steroids and Antihistamine tablets. The next day I was worse but by the third day things were improving.
I am now allergic to four types of antibiotics! Below my latest allergic reaction… I was covered in this!
Anyway, touch wood, fingers crossed we seem to be improving so I am tentatively back , I still have funny eyes from the P.V.D. and a cold and a wobbly dog and coughing hubby but hopefully I am back .
Oh! Just for good measure WordPress decided to suspend my blog on Friday, saying I had contravened their terms and conditions? Luckily after I appealled by three different methods I got an email saying I had a fortnight to remove all my work of ten years or lose it! I wrote again protesting my innocence finally I got another email saying they had re viewed my sight and the suspension had been lifted. Phew!! Thanks to Ritu for listening to me and helping.
Here is her bio because it shows what an amazing woman
Candice Louisa Daquin is of Sephardi French/Egyptian descent. Born in Europe, she work in publishing for The American Embassy and Chamber of Commerce. Before immigrating to the American South West to study and become a Psychotherapist, where she has continued writing and editing whilst practicing as a therapist. Daquin has worked at Jewish Community Centers and Rape Crisis Centers both in Texas and Ontario Canada. Her area of specialization is adults sexually abused as children. Prior to publishing her own poetry collections she regularly wrote for the poetry periodical Rattle and The Northern Poetry Review. Daquin is currently Senior Editor at Indie Blu(e) Publishing, a feminist micro-press. Daquin’s poetic work takes its form from the confessional women poets of the 19th and 20th century as well as queer authors writing from the 1950’s onward. Her career(s) teaching critical thinking and practicing as a psychotherapist have heavily influenced her work, with explored key themes including, sexual-dysfunction, sexual-abuse, parental-relationships, mental illness and queer-identity. Daquin’s work is also significantly imprinted by Audre Lorde, Françoise Sagan, Angela Carter, activist Egyptian physician Nawal El Saadawi, Navdanya seed bank creator/campaigner Vandana Shiva, Pablo Neruda, Israeli PM Golda Mier, Toni Morrison and feminist philosophers bell hooks, Hélène Cixous and Luce Irigaray. As a queer woman of mixed parentage and passionate feminist beliefs concerning equality, Daquin’s poetry is her body of evidence.
Welcome back Candice it is lovely to have you visit again. Could we discuss your Gadtroparesis and your macular degeneration. I think your story will help many others.
It’s a crazy story. In March 2017 I went to New England for a short vacation. Prior to this I had been probably the healthiest I’ve ever been no joke. I was in Salem (!!) and around 1 in the morning I began throwing up uncontrollably. It lasted 24 hours I thought it was food poisoning, the Dr I saw said more likely a virus picked up on the plane. I made a full recovery and thought no more about it. In June I had the same experience out of the blue, but having not eaten I knew it couldn’t be food poisoning. I was perplexed because I tend not to throw up unless very sick. The ER (I’d been throwing up for days unable to keep food down) thought it might be heart issues. I didn’t see how. But I went to a heart dr who said I had a murmur but it couldn’t be related. The feeling was in my chest though as well which was weird. A long time later I learned when you have severe stomach issues, it can mimic heart attacks because you feel a terrible anxiety and fluttering and pain in your chest area, but it’s really your stomach. In August after no answers, I began throwing up again, this time it didn’t go away or stop. I threw up every single day every single thing I ate, for months on end. I went down to 80 pounds and was very, very sick. Due to having a bad primary care Dr it took a while to get hospitalized, when I eventually was, they ran every conceivable test. No answers. Eventually months later, a Dr said they thought it had to be sudden onset Gastroparesis. I couldn’t believe it. I was told I would have to go on disability for life, and I would never be able to eat solids again. I decided I refused to believe this and I kept searching for a better specialist. After seeing quite a few I found one who said no it’s not Gastroparesis per say, it’s Gastric Arrythmia which is treated differently and that’s why I was not improving. I tried every kind of alternative medicine but nothing worked, eventually one drug did help a bit, but mostly I think time and changing what I ate and exercise helped the most. By diet changes I mean I was vegetarian since I was a kid and that’s not a good diet for someone who needs to avoid vegetables (which you no longer can digest) but I didn’t want to quit how I ate so I just ate more frequently and smaller and tried hard to juice a lot of what I ate. It was a very challenging time. Since your stomach produces what you need for your mental health it sent me into a very dark place. Not knowing what was wrong, not having family support, was hard. Now I realize I am much better but I will always live with this, which many do, with chronic illness. I try to make the best of it and be glad for it not being as bad as they originally thought. It has changed my life a lot because I cannot eat out with friends which was one of my favorite things to do, as was sharing a bottle of wine or something simple like that. I get sick more or less every month but I try really hard to get past the set-back and keep going. During all of this I was also told I had premature (very) macular degeneration. I’m an optimistic person so at first I really didn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe it. Now it has been confirmed. I hope to be one of the lucky ones who doesn’t lose their central vision as that means everything to me. But given my young age it seems likely it will be hard to avoid. I haven’t given up hope but it’s been really hard, especially as people don’t really know what to say and I can’t blame them.
Oh! That was a real rollcoater of a health journey. I am so glad you persisted and got the correct diagnosis. Still not an easy one to accept but better the devil you know, don’t you think. The eye problem too is a hard one to accept but I have friend who was diagnosed with the same at the age of twelve ..she still, at 29 has central pinpoint vision…. I know everyone is different but I do hope this can help.
Can we discuss your work with Indi Blu(e)
I came on to Indie Blu(e) as a guest editor for WE WILL NOT BE SILENCED because as a Psychotherapist and having worked in three Rape Crisis Centers, the #metoo movement meant a lot to me. I wanted to help raise awareness. Since then I stayed on as an editor and began to do more and more. Years before, I worked in publishing but wasn’t expecting to slip back into working with a publishing company. It’s been edifying and hard work. It is a very thankless task at times, but I do believe it makes a difference and that’s all that counts. Our publications have mostly been social justice in theme and I am very proud of that. We have also produced some outstanding stand-alone authors books. Working with a small group of mostly women has been very fulfilling and I can honestly say my time at Indie Blu(e) was one of the best ‘jobs’ I have had, because of what we stood for, and tried to effect. The downside being we do a lot for very little and are all chronically ill, which at times can be challenging.
Can we also discuss you work as a Psychotherapist and if you like some of the work you have done in Community and Rape Crisis centers.
As a Psychotherapist I tried to work only with groups I knew I could benefit. I am not good working with kids or teens. I like working with adults and older adults, as well as minority populations because where I live, black people and hispanic people are more reticent and mistrusting of therapists who have traditionally been anglo. I think being mixed-race and foreign I broke through that a bit as most of my clients have been people of color. Additionally I worked with Jews and the LGBTQX population. I was offered to work with rapists in jail but I literally couldn’t do it. My speciality is working with adults who were molested or abused in childhood. I would say I’m good because I care and that’s so crucial. The system however, is broken and that really bothers me because I believe in socialized healthcare for all and that it be affordable if not.
CandiceI was wondering if you would be willing to talk about why and how you came out.
I came out because I am gay and it seemed futile to try to pretend otherwise. I have always known although I did date one boy seriously when I was a young teen. I am not bisexual, I am not attracted to men sexually or emotionally but I respect all diversity within the LGBTQX rainbow. That said, I think lesbians don’t do themselves any favors and I wish we had more of an identity and less judgement within the lesbian ‘label’ including women who love women and don’t want those women to be dressing like men. I am definitely an odd duck as a lesbian. I get on better with straight people over-all which is weird. I think whilst it’s important to be proud, it’s also a very, very lonely life at times, and whilst I would not change who I am, I get tired of it sometimes. I came out because most gays I know are in the closet and I thought that’s partly why things can be hard for us. Things have changed a lot. It used to be that gays couldn’t marry or have legal rights. I had tremendous troubles during that time and I don’t forget, hence why I try to raise visibility and remember the struggle. I know some people get sick of it and I can appreciate that too but we all have our path. I love writing love poetry about women who love women. SMITTEN is the anthology I have worked on that I am most proud of for that reason. I get frustrated sometimes at how the media or whomever, pick the ‘popular’ trending authors/writers/poets and overlook really truly talented ones. I don’t know how people who don’t fit the trending boxes, succeed, it is much harder than it was, when if you were talented, you usually could succeed. Now there are so many more variables and it’s exhausting trying to compete which so many people for just one (badly) paid job. I can see why creatives leave, and many do after a time. If I have one regret it’s that I wasn’t better at science and just did a job where it’s not as hard to go in and do your thing and succeed. The creative world is very competitive and cut-throat. Oh, and ageist.
Thank you for answering that question so openly. As a straight , what ever straight is, woman. I hear what you are saying and I completely agree. .
Thank you again for joining me and answering my questions so honestly. It has been a real pleasure to have you visit again and to open up so freely on all the subjects I brought up.
Sue Vincent’s#Writphoto. Hi everyone just a quick note if anyone would like to re-post any of their old #writephoto prompts please do. While Sue is not posting a photo prompt due to not being well, she would love to see old ones reposted.Now if you would like to join in please use the #writephoto badge
A few years back we visited my sister and her husband. It was a 12 hour day, full oflaughter because if you don’t laugh it would be too sad. My sister robbed of her loving husband and best friend for over 60 years. Alzheimer’s is a curse it affects not only the suffer but everyone they love.
For visually challenged writers, the image shows a channel of water flowing out to sea, with the sun reflecting on the water
Is it dusk or is it dawn .
He no longer knows
Watching the shine of the water as it flows.
Lost to to us, he is so forlorn.
Waking she wonders what will today be like
She yearns to talk to him and see recognition in his eyes
He is just like a dizzy child, who her patience tries
Just a little explanatory word. I wrote this poem one afternoon June, 2013, I do not know where it came from I just wrote it. It is about a person dying peacefully of some disease it could be one of many. I do not know if any of my lost friends have passed this way but I wish they could of died peacefully like this . I wish death could of been gentle for them and for all of us………..
The sun shines warm and strong
The washing on the line dances, it will be dry before long!
The birds are twittering and singing
Bees around the flowers buzzing gently, no thought of stinging.
Children are playing along the road, they must be home from school.
Time, time is my enemy always too fast, too slow never anybody’s fool.
I feel rested in the sun, relaxed maybe this is a new journey I have begun
Nothing to worry about anymore, nothing to rush for, nothing to come.
Gently things begin to fade, is this it or is just that I am lying in the shade
No I can no longer move , here comes the silent peace I crave.
I am happy that there will be no more treatment or pain
I am sorry for those who I love that will have to remain.
The sun shines warm and strong
The washing on the line dances it will be dry before long!
The birds are twittering and singing
I hope they will not think me selfish, I could really fight no more
Here comes death to claim me and I feel safe as he leads me to his door.
Peace, peace no pain, no needles no scans no tired smile
I am going now, I love you all and I shall be here but not seen, loving you all the while.
Hi guys I have been into hospital and had my operation last Friday. Though the operation did go well, unfortunately I was very unwell and ended up back in hospital in the early hours of the morning. With vomiting, excruciating pains and a high fever. Anyway 12hrs of fluids, painkillers and antsickness med drips I was allowed home again. I am picking up slowly. But I wanted to apologize to everyone who’s posts and comments I have missed in the last few days.
Today is the first day I have felt anything like myself. I am slowly catching up with you all. I keep getting pains and feeling sick but it is a huge improvement on how I was feeling. So fingers crossed I can catch up with you all in the next few days. Please be patient with me.
Okay I hope that no one will mind if I open up again. No doubt some of you will run for the hills thinking me bad and ugly or mad. Well that’s how I feel.
Yet I trust you guys and I need to get this out because it’s frightening me.
Now, I have not been well for months well actually it’s been about 18 months maybe longer who knows. I have felt myself slowing up, loosing weight being tired . I was beginning to get stressed. I was afraid to eat because it always ended up with me having indigestion or being sick or both. Then in June I had pain I have never had to cope with before. Yes, worse than childbirth, broken back or even sepsis.
Anyway to avoid going through it all again, what happened next was me in and out of hospital, wearing a Cholesystectomy drain and bag for three months and now I am another month into waiting for an operation. The symptoms are returning and I am scared the excruciating pain will return.
Whats worse I feel guilty because it’s not cancer or anything fatal, it a huge stone blocking my gall bladder. Though apartently in June it was so poisonous they said it was “Too dangerous to operate” .
I feel ill yes, not unwell, not poorly, actually ill. I can’t tell family, there’s been so much happening in the strange Covid times. That hubby has enough to cope with. Though he has been wonderful.
Still there is one more thing that I am finding even more difficult. It’s not the internal itching, described as bad blood or any of the other symptoms it’s what I keep seeing in my head. I can’t get away from it.
The picture below is how I now see my insides. My organs, my viens and arteries every inch of me feels dark and dirty and I want to get hold of the muck and pull it out.
Pixabay Please
I can’t escape it, eyes open or shut it’s there screaming at me. Also things in everyday life are getting to me. Gravel on the path, looks like my insides, rip it out! Stones in mud, acorns and leaves, tuffs of grass or weeds that’s what my insides look like … please rip it out!
So there it is I have actually told you. Does anyone else know what I am talking about. Am I going mad. I do hope you don’t think I am mad does anyone else feel this feelings? Thank you for listening.
Our friends Sue Vincent and Mary Smith are both fighting Cancer right now. Both have hit another capital C. I am not talking about chemo nasty as that is. No I am talking about Constipation! Well all I can say is I have been there and it is horrendous! It may not seem like a big health issue but believe me it is. It certainly is not glamorous. So I am hoping to bring a smile to their faces and anyone else in the same or similar position. They have both discussed constapation in the comments on Mary’s blog and Mary has written about it at length, so I am betraying no secrets.
So to any of you who don’t do bodily functions or honesty perhaps this is not a poem for you .
Ruddy Constipation
Oh! This bloody constipation It is causing me such consternation I try my best eating veg and fruit But do I shift it, no, I just toot. Oh! The pain is so extreme I push and push, grimace and scream. Just to pass a motion now seems like a dream The truth is more a nightmare This dam shit is set on staying there. I stand, I sit, I squat but the body is not playing That,the laxative will work soon! I am truly praying!
**********
So I am sending this out to everyone suffering with cancer or any illness or disability. Keep fighting and keep taking the laxative!
Mary and Sue keep fighting!
You can visit Sue and Mary’s blogs using the Links at the beginning of this post.
I am posting one of my older blogs today because Linda G Hill’s post The MMR Vaccination Debate – a Parental Perspective. really made me think and think hard . My two older children both in their forties did not have the MMR . I was advised against it because they both had chronic Asthma . They both had Measles , Mumps and Whooping Cough. I decided the third son would have all vacinations . Somehow he developed Whooping Cough before his second week of life. He is in his thirties now with a wife and baby.
Please have the vaccinations if they illnesses return they are killers! Here are links to imformation but do investigate for yourselves.
He was always being sick, I was not imagining it nor was I imagining that noise he was making . It sounded like whooping cough, but he was only two weeks old?
I was at my whits end, he had started being sick before I had even left the hospital, yet no one would listen to me. I had had enough and so here I was in the Drs surgery siting in the hallway, because my beautiful baby was coughing so much he was being sick and I could not stand the reproving looks from the other waiting, patients.
I was sweating and stressed I knew this baby was ill, I had been through some very scary things with my other two boys . P spending the first fortnight of his life in an incubator because he had ‘post natal distress’ . Both boys had had collapsed lungs due to asthma, M had had his tonsils out then hemorrhaged when I got him home! he and P had both had Measles and Mumps and chickenpox to name a few , need I go on I did know a sick child when I saw one!
Finally the Dr called us in. I had known him now for the last nine years and he insisted we use first names which did make things feel easier. He was not happy with J, he was not sure if he had a blockage in his throat or stomach but also felt that as I knew my baby best, I could be right in my diagnosis ! I can tell you now I did not want to be right!
All the Dr could do was pat me on the shoulder and pack us off to the nearest hospital. He had rung ahead and alerted the pediatric ward of our plight. I do no remember how I got to the hospital , there were no mobile phones, I did not drive in those days and I doubt I took the bus. I should think I had either phoned my husband from the surgery,and as all of my friends who drove would also of had children and I could not in all conscience expose any of them to whatever it was that J had.
I remember being in the hospital though, I was with J in a single room. A glass wall separating us from the nursing station. I did not realize immediately that J was on the danger list and we were in a Barrier Nursing Ward. I was wearing a gown and watching my baby, my little boy sleeping fitfully and coughing , coughing, coughing!
I spent whole days there and often late into the evenings, my husband joining me as often as he could. My neighbour helped by picking the boys up from school and feeding them for me. I had often looked after her daughter, even taken her on holiday……. but I still felt bad. I would drop them off at school in the morning then go straight up to the hospital. I don’t remember how but I managed to shop and do the washing look after the boys and one weekend we even had visitors.
One weekend my husband brought P and M and the little girl next door to see J, they were not allowed on the ward so my husband walked them right round the building and they waved and made faces through the window….. good job we were on the ground floor. It hurt me to see them touching the glass, looking so sad, they really loved and missed J.
For some reason it took the medical staff nearly a fortnight to finally tell us for certain that J had Whooping Cough! How did he get that straight out of hospital, I just don’t know. He was so ill it was awful, I had to watch him suffering that awful cough. Every time he was sick I had to feed him a bottle of milk then he would sleep then the cough would start. Then one weekend I had gone home for a rest, ( we had visitors ). I had just had a bath and got ready to face the world when the hospital rang to say it was touch and go. They asked us not to come in as there was nothing we could do and we would only get upset.
Get up set ?……… I was upset. I stood in the hall looking at the phone, when our guests came out to ask when we were going out for our meal. ……. I don’t remember what or if I ate all I remember is worrying…………….
However he made it through the night, he took months to recover infact it was over a year before he really improved. I could not take him out until the summer, he was born in the January and was not able to be taken out until late May early June.
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