Please Rip It Out.

© willowdot21

Okay I hope that no one will mind if I open up again. No doubt some of you will run for the hills thinking me bad and ugly or mad. Well that’s how I feel.

Yet I trust you guys and I need to get this out because it’s frightening me.

Now, I have not been well for months well actually it’s been about 18 months maybe longer who knows. I have felt myself slowing up, loosing weight being tired . I was beginning to get stressed. I was afraid to eat because it always ended up with me having indigestion or being sick or both. Then in June I had pain I have never had to cope with before. Yes, worse than childbirth, broken back or even sepsis.

Anyway to avoid going through it all again, what happened next was me in and out of hospital, wearing a Cholesystectomy drain and bag for three months and now I am another month into waiting for an operation. The symptoms are returning and I am scared the excruciating pain will return.

Whats worse I feel guilty because it’s not cancer or anything fatal, it a huge stone blocking my gall bladder. Though apartently in June it was so poisonous they said it was “Too dangerous to operate” .

I feel ill yes, not unwell, not poorly, actually ill. I can’t tell family, there’s been so much happening in the strange Covid times. That hubby has enough to cope with. Though he has been wonderful.

Still there is one more thing that I am finding even more difficult. It’s not the internal itching, described as bad blood or any of the other symptoms it’s what I keep seeing in my head. I can’t get away from it.

The picture below is how I now see my insides. My organs, my viens and arteries every inch of me feels dark and dirty and I want to get hold of the muck and pull it out.

Pixabay Please

I can’t escape it, eyes open or shut it’s there screaming at me. Also things in everyday life are getting to me. Gravel on the path, looks like my insides, rip it out! Stones in mud, acorns and leaves, tuffs of grass or weeds that’s what my insides look like … please rip it out!

Photo by Jock Ocularic on Pexels.com
Photo by Zura Narimanishvili on Pexels.com

So there it is I have actually told you. Does anyone else know what I am talking about. Am I going mad. I do hope you don’t think I am mad does anyone else feel this feelings? Thank you for listening.

Constipation

Our friends Sue Vincent and Mary Smith are both fighting Cancer right now. Both have hit another capital C. I am not talking about chemo nasty as that is. No I am talking about Constipation! Well all I can say is I have been there and it is horrendous! It may not seem like a big health issue but believe me it is. It certainly is not glamorous. So I am hoping to bring a smile to their faces and anyone else in the same or similar position. They have both discussed constapation in the comments on Mary’s blog and Mary has written about it at length, so I am betraying no secrets.

So to any of you who don’t do bodily functions or honesty perhaps this is not a poem for you .

Ruddy Constipation

Oh! This bloody constipation
It is causing me such consternation
I try my best eating veg and fruit
But do I shift it, no, I just toot.
Oh! The pain is so extreme
I push and push, grimace and scream.
Just to pass a motion now seems like a dream
The truth is more a nightmare
This dam shit is set on staying there.
I stand, I sit, I squat but the body is not playing
That,the laxative will work soon! I am truly praying!

**********

So I am sending this out to everyone suffering with cancer or any illness or disability. Keep fighting and keep taking the laxative!

Mary and Sue keep fighting!

You can visit Sue and Mary’s blogs using the Links at the beginning of this post.

My Red Killer Shoes.

I know I put this out last week but it needs to be said again . Come on Red Shoes get kicking !

These are my, can do shoes! My  not going to listen to you shoes!

My get up and go shoes! My stamp on and kick the shit out of the blues, shoes!

My ain’t gonna be be put on by you shoes! My skipping and dancing in the moonlight shoes.

My walking the righteous path shoes! my  who am I kidding shoes?

My kicking up a rumpus fetch me my compass shoes!

My who you looking at shoes, my cop an eye full of this shoes!

My ain’t behaving well shoes. My dancing on the ceiling enjoying every second shoes!

My in ya face, fall from grace shoes. My come and get me shoes,

My tiny winy skirt shoes! My delights are on offer shoes!

My need a thrill shoes,  my ones and twos shoes!

My I am bored shoes, my I want it now shoes!

My singing in the rain shoes, my apple pie up in the sky shoes!

My tipping the scales my way shoes, my light a candle say a prayer shoes!

My uppdido shoes, my yabbadabbado shoes!

My who am I kidding shoes, my I wish I was not such a wooze shoes!

My when is it my turn shoes? My fingers burned all hopes spurned shoes!

My bridges burnt shoes, my lessons learnt shoes!

My on my own shoes, my without a home shoes! My nothing left to loose shoes!

These are my I can beat you shoes, my watch it! your days are numbered shoes.

My, we have your measure now shoes. My cut you out, kick you hard shoes,

My grind you into the floor shoes!!My laugh in your face shoes!!

My Cancer we will wipe  you out shoes, My, we will without  a doubt shoes!

MY WE ARE GONNA WIN SHOES!!!!

my red shoes.

To my friends 💜💜💜💜💜

Whooping Cough

I am posting one of  my older  blogs   today  because  Linda G Hill’s  post   The MMR Vaccination Debate – a Parental Perspective.   really  made  me  think  and  think hard . My two older children  both in their  forties  did not  have  the MMR . I was advised against it  because  they both had  chronic  Asthma . They  both  had  Measles , Mumps  and Whooping  Cough. I decided  the third  son  would have  all vacinations . Somehow  he  developed Whooping Cough  before his second  week of life. He is  in his  thirties  now  with  a wife  and baby.

Please  have the vaccinations  if  they illnesses  return  they are killers!  Here  are links  to imformation but  do investigate  for yourselves.

Whooping Cough     MMR Vaccinations

Whooping Cough

He was always being sick, I was not imagining it nor was I imagining that noise he was making . It sounded like whooping cough, but he was only two weeks old?

I was at my whits end, he had started being sick before I had even left the hospital, yet no one would listen to me. I had had enough and so here I was in the Drs surgery siting in the hallway, because my beautiful baby was coughing so much he was being sick and I could not stand the reproving looks from the other waiting, patients.

I was sweating  and stressed I knew this baby was ill, I had been through some very scary things with my other two boys .  P spending the first fortnight of his life in an incubator  because he had ‘post natal distress’ . Both boys had had collapsed lungs due to asthma, M had had his tonsils out then hemorrhaged when I got him home! he and P had both had Measles and Mumps and chickenpox to name a few , need I go on I did know a sick child when I saw one!

Finally the Dr called us in. I had known him now for the last nine years and he insisted we use first names  which did make things feel easier. He was not happy with J, he was not sure if he had a blockage in his throat or stomach but also felt that as I knew my baby best, I could be right in my diagnosis ! I can tell you now I did not want to be right!

All the Dr could do was pat me on the shoulder and pack us off to the nearest hospital. He had rung ahead and alerted the pediatric  ward of our plight. I do no remember how I got to the hospital , there were no mobile phones, I did not drive in those days and I doubt I took the bus. I should think I had either phoned my husband from the surgery,and  as all of my friends who drove would also of had children and I could not in all conscience expose any of them to whatever it was that J had.

I remember being in the hospital though, I was with J in a single room. A glass wall separating us from the nursing station. I did not realize immediately that J was on the danger list and we were in a Barrier Nursing Ward. I was wearing a gown and watching  my baby, my little boy sleeping fitfully and coughing , coughing, coughing!

I spent whole days there and often late into the evenings, my husband joining me as often as he could. My neighbour helped by picking the boys up from school and feeding them for me. I had often looked after her daughter, even taken her on holiday……. but I still felt bad. I would drop them off at school in the morning  then go straight up to the hospital.  I don’t remember how but I managed to shop and do the washing look after the boys and one weekend we even had visitors.

One weekend my husband brought P and M and the little girl next door to see J, they were not allowed on the ward so my husband walked them right round the building and they waved and made faces through the window….. good job we were on the ground floor. It hurt me to see them touching the glass, looking so sad, they really loved and missed J.

For some reason it took the medical staff nearly a fortnight to finally tell us for certain that J had Whooping Cough! How did he get that straight out of hospital, I just don’t know. He was so ill it was awful, I had to watch him suffering that awful cough. Every time he was sick I had to feed him a bottle of milk  then he would sleep then the cough would start. Then one weekend I had gone home for a rest, ( we had visitors ). I had just had a bath and got ready to face the world when the hospital rang to say it was touch and go. They asked us not to come in as there was nothing we could do and we would only get upset.

Get up set ?……… I was upset. I stood in the hall looking at the phone, when our guests came out to ask when we were going out for our meal. ……. I don’t remember what or if I ate all I remember is worrying…………….

However  he  made it  through  the  night, he  took months  to recover   infact it  was over a year  before  he really improved. I  could  not take  him out until the summer,  he was born in the January  and  was not able  to be taken out  until late May early  June.

He  is a grown man  now with a baby  of  his  own….

Just Jot It January: Music Theme – The Doctor Is In

Johnny chose the music theme for this week.

Now I have not been able to do one of  these  themes  for a while  and I  may  not  be able  to another  for a while  so I  hope  the others  will not mind  my  jumping in!

When do we need a doctor?

Well  who  knows  but  I am going  back to my  youth  for my  Dr tales… Better  than the real ones!!

First off  lets  have a smile  with  Peter Sellers  and  Sofia  Loren  with   Goodness Gracious Me 

Then  lets  go  back  to  when I was a young  gal!! with  the Thompsom Twins  with a slower  than usual version of  Doctor  Doctor

It takes  me back  to when I was 27yrs .. better  than a Doctor!

Next  lets have  the  sugar  and honey  voice  of Gregory Isaacs  with Night Nurse. His  vocice  could cure  most  of  my ills !

Lets  pump  the medicine up  now  with some heavy !! Van HAalen  Somebody  get  me a doctor

Phew  lets  take it down again…… Another  soothing  doctor , who might  ask, “if I said  you had a beautiful  body  would  you hold it against me!” Its Dr Hook  and When you are are in love  with a beautiful  woman.

Now  when the world is in trouble  who  do  you call        NO! Not  ghost  busters.  You  need  Dr Who , here are  the  original  theme  and the rejigged theme  from 2014.

And  finally  the time comes  when you reach  the bottom of  the pit  or  the end of  the road. No  doctor  can help you them. The most poigniant  song I have ever heard  is  from the Verve  singing The  drugs  don’t work.

Please  check out  the other themists.

Lisa       Bear    Maddie    Antanya   Johnny

 

This post is part of Just Jot It January hosted by Linda G Hill.

Thanks for tuning in and if you want to join, feel free to click on the link and start jotting!

NO MORE!

These last few weeks have been  so hard to cope  with

Days so dark  I have not wanted  to wake up or  even live.

Ties so deep that  they should  never be tested

Pulled  so taught  while  they argued  and each other  bested!

 

So much illness too in the family  I am finding  so hard  to bare

There is  no way I can close  my  eyes and ears to it, truth is I really  care.

Christmas  presses closer  like an evil leach. Dragging me down to hell

It sucks my  heart out and shreds  my soul, stress that  I can’t  quell.

 

Well I can take  no more  of  this.

I shall retreat  in to  my  music, headphones bliss.

Run I  shall run, dance I shall dance in  my  head

I shall float away  before it  all explodes in y  head!

Willowdot21  2014

Who better  to help  me  than Immie .   She is amazing  she tells  my life   as it is!

Sparks might fly, in no time.
It’s a delayed reaction of the third kind. (ooh)
I’m so ready for this.
Shrink-wrapped tones, I can face the music.
Stop matters bonding us way beyond
Our best by-days.

You know we’ve had it good, we’ve had it bad, so no hard feelings.
We’ve done all we could and all again. I’m done pretending.
Let’s quit while we’re still friends.

Making up stories that grew to be too tall,
My fortress to forget couldn’t take anymore.
You nearly watched me ruin everything, everything!
There’s a number one rule of don’t-do’s.
Well we knew it all too well.
You were supposed to be looking out for me!
Have you any idea how difficult it’s been?

You know we’ve had it good, we’ve had it bad, so no hard feelings.
We’ve done all we could, and all again. Let’s save ourselves a sorry ending.
You know we’ve had it good, we’ve had it bad, but this is as far as we can stretch.
Let’s stop pretending, stop pretending.
And quit while we’re still friends
[x2]

Well I was so young, misguided maybe.
But still this hands over my every pen to paper.
And this all started with a song.
Let this be our last one.
Drop, drop. Bridge, bridge!

We’ve had it good, we’ve had it bad, but this is as far as we can stretch.
Stop pretending!
And quit while we’re still friends.

I wish you well.
I wish you well… (I wish you well, wish you well, wish you well)

Wish you well, I wish you well, I won’t tell if you won’t tell.
I won’t hold it against you if you bow out gracefully. (gracefully)
Can we just not drag this out, please?
I wish you well, I wish you well, I won’t tell if you won’t tell.
I won’t hold it against you if you bow out gracefully, (do it gracefully!)
Can we just not drag this out?

Imogen Heap  2014

The Apple Fell

The apple fell from the tree

It hit the ground and made straight for me.

The trail of maggots  climbed my legs

They entered me and sucked  the dregs.

 

They coloured  my view, trapped inside my eyes

Whispering in  my ears abhorrent lies that turned  the tides

Of  ills  besetting me. They made feast upon my brains

Their waste  clogging up  my  arteries  and veins.

 

Filling  my womb  and ovaries

Damning up  my bladder, my waters  burst uncontrollably.

They  turned  my milk, so what, I was now baron

They pushed out  my hair  Until I resembled carrion.

 

I beg them to set  me free,they did not

I begged them  for peace and  for the pain to stop.

They  did not listen nor  did they care

They gave not a shit  for how I’d fair.

 

No one listened  no one cared. So long  as it was not them

Who suffered. Their eyes avoid me again and again.

They pumped me full of chemicals , bags  and lines and  needles

It made  me worse, I curse them to suffer me such evils.

 

They, though not the maggots, mopped  my brow and  soothed my pain

They, though not  the maggots, begged me to fight and fight again.

I tried, I really did I fought, I screamed I cried.

They, the maggots  got what they wanted. I lost the  battle and died.

 

At last, at last I watched  them fly,

I kissed those maggots goodbye.

Find  the cure don’t  let the apple  fall from the tree

Don’ t let those maggots free.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another Poem  for Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Peace

Another of  my  old poems  for  Breast Cancer Awareness Month 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sun shines warm and strong

The washing on the line dances, it will be dry before long!

The birds are twittering and singing

Bees around the flowers buzzing  gently, no thought of stinging.

Children are playing along the road, they must be home from school.

Time, time is  my enemy always too fast, too slow never anybody’s fool.

I feel rested in the sun, relaxed maybe this is a new journey I have begun

Nothing to worry about anymore, nothing to rush for, nothing to come.

Gently things begin to fade, is this it or is just that I am lying in the shade

No I can no longer move , here comes the silent  peace I crave.

I am happy that there will be no more treatment or  pain

I am sorry for those who I love that will have to remain.

The sun shines warm and strong

The washing on the line dances it will be dry before long!

The birds are twittering and singing

Bees around the flowers buzzing  gently no thought of stinging.

I hope  they will not think me selfish, I could really fight no more

Here comes death to claim me and I feel safe as he leads me to his door.

Peace, peace  no pain, no needles  no scans  no sad sad smiles

I am going now, I love you all and I shall be here but  not seen, loving you  all the while……………….

 

 

Just a little explanatory  word. I wrote this poem one  afternoon last June, 2013, I do not know where it came from I just wrote it. It is about a person dying peacefully of some disease  say Cancer. I have not known any of my lost friends who have passed this way  but I wish  it could be like this . I wish death could of been gentle for them and for all  of us……….. please.

 

JusJoJan: 22/01/14 The Doctor’s Surgery

Sitting int doctors surgery 

Wondering what will he say to me

Just don’t know what to say

All my symptoms have mysteriously flown away

 

Sitting at the doctors don’t  know what to say

I hate being here I want to run away.

 

Sitting in the doctors room

Feeling full of gloom

He is taking my blood pressure and listening to my ticker

Monitoring my pulse , blue peg on my finger see the number flicker.

 

Sitting at the doctors don’t  know what to say

I hate being here I want to run away.

 

Walking out the doctors room feeling much relieved 

It was a simple muscle strain and not a heart attack as I had believed !

Walking out  the door of the doctors surgery

Suddenly  the long walk home  is no problem to me.  🙂  

 

 

Peace

The sun shines warm and strong

The washing on the line dances, it will be dry before long!

The birds are twittering and singing

Bees around the flowers buzzing  gently, no thought of stinging.

Children are playing along the road, they must be home from school.

Time , time  my enemy always too fast, too slow never anybody’s fool.

I feel rested in the sun , relaxed maybe this is a new journey I have begun

Nothing to worry about anymore, nothing to rush for, nothing to come.

Gently things begin to fade, is this it or is just that I am lying in the shade

No I can no longer move , here comes the silent  peace I crave.

I am happy that there will be no more treatment or  pain

I am sorry for those who I love that will have to remain.

The sun shines warm and strong

The washing on the line dances it will be dry before long!

The birds are twittering and singing

Bees around the flowers buzzing  gently no thought of stinging.

I hope  they will not think me selfish, I could really fight no more

Here comes death to claim me and I feel safe as he leads me to his door.

Peace, peace  no pain, no needles  no scans  no sad sad smiles

I am going now, I love you all and I shall be here but  not seen, loving you  all the while……………….

 

Just a little explanatory  word. I wrote this poem this afternoon, I do not know where it came from I just wrote it. It is about a person dying peacefully of some disease  say Cancer. I have not known any of my lost friends who have passed this way  but I wish  it could be like this . I wish death could of been gentle for them and for all of us ……….. please.

 

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