To Live or Not

I stand alone

I stand alone apart from all the others. I stand alone because of fear. If I should reach out to say hello they may reject me and banish me from here.

I am one of many  in a country on a planet in a galaxy within a universe one of the lost, one of the  cursed.

I stand alone in a room full of people some I know, they smile and say my name but then they turn away to some one more interesting …. it is like a cruel game.

I stand alone at work I do the things the others do , I use the computer carry files take notes speak with clients nothing new. I eat my lunch at my desk or walk in the park , I leave the office late and get home in the dark.

I stand alone in the bar where I have joined my workmates for a drink they seem so together . The alcohol does not help in fact it just makes my heart sink. I say goodbye but no one notices they are all too busy. I leave the bar and hail a cab the alcohol and night air conspire to make me dizzy.

I stand alone in my flat again, and cry , I once had a lover but they are gone I stand alone and wonder why. The space I stand in now all my own was not always a flat it was once a home. Even when he was sick and we new knew he would die I did not cry for I never envisage he would really leave me on my own.

what am I to do

What am I to do,why did I build that invisible  barrier why do I not let anyone in. They all think I am coping well living life to the full. If I told the truth would it be such a sin. It is so hard to drop my guard I do not know what their reaction will be , to open up is so very hard  for me.

I stand alone in the bathroom and look at my reflection it is not so good just look at my complexion.  I look so pale and gaunt my eyes look dead no wonder they avoid me they must think  I am there to haunt.

I have to try harder if I am to live he would not want to see me so. Self pity he could never forgive. So it doesn’t matter how much it hurts me I have to make the move and set me free. It has come to this, the choice I have to make. I either make an effort with the world or I attend my own wake.

I stand alone in the bedroom I am looking in the wardrobe I need to pick my brightest colours my highest heels  I need to lift my soul. Tomorrow I will decide if I knock down the barrier and let them all inside or if not to look my best so they can say “she looked beautiful when she died.”

Fairy Lights

Am I flying or is it a dream

It all looks so pretty it’s really a sight,the lights twinkle brightly braking the darkness of the night.                                                                         Twinkle twinkle fairy lights hiding the truth of the city and the night. How high am I up here? Too high to climb back down I fear.   I have never been at ease with heights but they do look inviting,those fairy lights.

It is cold up here I can feel the wind flapping my hair and biting my skin.The lights are still out there shining bright like little beacons beckoning to me in the night.

My head has stop buzzing and the answer is clear I have not felt this unburden for many a year. My eyes are just clearing the wider picture I see. From horizon to horizon the options are endless for me.

Gentle , gently I move to the edge , it is all crystal clear no more bets left to hedge.  Looking down into the depths of the night feeling the tug of those twinkling lights. One little step leads to another my senses are shot my brain runs for cover.

Oh!it is  such a long way down to those lights. It is  funny, I thought I was afraid of heights.The wind in my ears begins to scream am I really flying or is this a dream. The lights are no nearer my feelings begin to soar this is really living and I am scared no more  BRING IT ON WHAT IS NEXT ?HERE COMES THE GROUND WHAT HAPPENS NE………….

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