This month Colleen has chosen a Tanka Prose as our form to work with this month. I am not too good with this form I need more practice. I have written about my husband struggling with the aftermath of covid .
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Another night where sleep eludes us. The cough is so harsh and painful. It racks his being. I cannot sleep , I feel the strain on his body. Silently I lay still for fear he may of found sleep and I do not want to wake him. Minutes pass I resist the urge to check he’s still breathing and I relax. Suddenly the rasping cough returns and rips the peace asunder. Finally the dawn creeps through the curtains, he is silent, sleeping. I arise exhausted to face another day.
night shadows enfold we exist in half life fear will we ever rest the covid cough is so cruel lack of breath day and night tires.
This week for Colleen’s Tuesday Tanka Challenge, she urges us to: ‘Choose your own syllabic form and colour to feature in your syllabic poem. If the form is from the #TankaTuesday Cheat sheet, let us know so we know where to look for directions. If it’s a new form, share how to write it and where you found the instructions. Think about the different ways you can use color in a poem.
P.S.🌈 Taste the Rainbow refers to colors. You do not have to write about a rainbow in your poem. Add a color to your poem. 🌈“
Today I wrote my poem purely as an expression of how I feel . It’s not pretty but it’s honest. It has a Tanka syllable count but not sure if it is a true Tanka. …It’s a woebegone verse
Pixabay image
surrounded by blue i see only a dark grey my insides rotting in my mouth a sickly taste of green bile, invades my life.
Hello everyone and I do mean all of you who are kind enough to allow me to visit and who are always so welcoming when I visit you .
Yet again I have had to just empty my inbox and that breaks my heart because I know I will have missed so many beautiful, insughtful , happy, sad, let’s face it the whole gambit of blogging. Sorry but it had to be done so I can start afresh and not drown!
because I miss you
As I said in my previous posts things here have been hard. All through December we nursed Ruby, she had cancer , firstly daily visits to the Vetinary Hospital for wound dressing, then we needed to change the dressing ourselves twice a day and sleep down stairs with her for over a month. Then just as she was improving I had a P. V.D. you can read about that here.
As if that wasn’t enough Ms Ruby collapsed in the garden one morning and could not even stand for 24hrs that was due to Vestibular Disease which meant for a few days we had to carry her out to the garden for a wee and a pooh! This lasted a few days , she is better now but still very unsteady….we call her the drunken sailor. This also meant more time sleeping downstairs with her in turns!
Finally on the 19th January I had to stop blogging because hubby and I both developed chest infections, necessitating antibiotics. Unfortunately after three days I had an allergic reaction to the antibiotics and had to go to A&E. Long story short I was put on a 4 day course of high dose Prednisolone Steroids and Antihistamine tablets. The next day I was worse but by the third day things were improving.
I am now allergic to four types of antibiotics! Below my latest allergic reaction… I was covered in this!
Anyway, touch wood, fingers crossed we seem to be improving so I am tentatively back , I still have funny eyes from the P.V.D. and a cold and a wobbly dog and coughing hubby but hopefully I am back .
Oh! Just for good measure WordPress decided to suspend my blog on Friday, saying I had contravened their terms and conditions? Luckily after I appealled by three different methods I got an email saying I had a fortnight to remove all my work of ten years or lose it! I wrote again protesting my innocence finally I got another email saying they had re viewed my sight and the suspension had been lifted. Phew!! Thanks to Ritu for listening to me and helping.
Dear friends, and you are all friends, you have proved this more than once. I feel I should explain my absence since 4th June. I have been unable to write or even read any one’s posts, my apologies. Then this morning I spotted how Darswood had said she had wondered where I was and had sent condolences for the family that I should give you a heads up for now.
Firstly, MIL died late night 3rd/ early hours 4th June. The Covid and frailty won in the end. MIL did not go quietly she fought it to the end with every ounce she had. She made her goal, her 100th Birthday and was conscious, up and dressed to celebrate it with the hospital staff and hubby.
Then the days began to blur we fell into a pit of organisation. As you will know if you have been following my #WDIIA posts hubby and his brother and sister do not get on too well. But when MIL died they agreed hubby should organise everything, this is just as well as otherwise it would of been chaos. So he threw himself into arranging the funeral. I gave all the support I could but he was a man on a mission, he wanted to do his mum proud.
We got up at stupid o’clock, we walked Ruby , Hubby arranged the funeral this strange pandemic life continued with its highs and lows.
Stangely I was feeling ill, sleeping, eating and doing even less. I found it hard to write or read. Pains in my shoulders, back, chest, neck, jaw all escalated until we thought heart attack? … But for days? Eventually I rang our GP surgery.
Now going to the GP surgery these days is not normal. You ring up and talk to a non medical receptionist who quizzes you, luckily I was deemed unwell enough to see a duty Dr at 5pm that evening. Instructions : Arrive at carpark wearing a mask and gloves, stand at the first yellow line by the emergency exit and someone will let you in. I was greeted by an woman in brown scrubs, plastic apron, gloves, mask, goggles and a visor. She was actually the Dr. Her PPE and my mask made conversation rather difficult, anyway I had a chat with her then a nurse gave me an ECG. And an appointment for blood test was arranged. ECG was fine.
I am not well
It was a very painful weekend though Saturday we got to see our son , his wife and the grandchildren, under brand new rules we are now allowed to have a BBQ of six people who must socially distancing. You may not go into the host’s house at all. So we had a lovely bbq.. and it was cold and windy and some of the time it rained thank goodness for heavy garden umbrellas. But it was the first chance to see them since lockdown and it was lovely. Some of the above rules have changed again.
As the weekend progressed I got worse. Monday was terrific, pain, Monday night thought I was dying, Tuesday I took to my bed. By 4pm we had to call 101, they sent an Ambulance which took me to E.D. Home at 5am next morning then back at AEC at 11am tests all day, then Ultrasound found the problem. A massively swollen gall bladder full of bile and large stones, one huge one blocking the neck. I was admitted.
Now again because of the pandemic we have to go to hospital unaccompanied, so hubby had spent Monday night and Tuesday not really knowing how I was really coping. Luckily we were in touch by mobile.
Wednesday after nil by mouth I.V. antibiotics, fluids and painkillers overnight on the ward it was decided they would put in a drain and fit a cholecystectomy bag. Mid morning I was taken to ultrasound, the procedure did not go smoothly and it had to be done twice with a CT Angiogram done half way through to see what was going wrong. I might talk about that later but not today, the drain and bag are with me now for 6 to 8 weeks with appointments arranged with the surgeon and then another operation to remove the gall bladder.
Hospitals too at the moment are dark and scary places , staff wearing PPE, and inpatients and outpatients wearing masks and gloves. I will write about about my experiences, fears, what I heard and saw but not now I am tired and I don’t have the muse with me she is on holiday.
I was discharged from hospital Saturday evening, wearing my new accessary the cholecystectomy bag, with scant instructions on how to empty and keep it clean and even less on what I can and can’t do myself, but there’s always Google and my brain to help me with that . So Sunday dawned warm and it was so good to feel safe at home, hubby and I emptied the cholecystectomy bag , over 200mls good I thought it’s draining well , We had a very quiet day and it was good to relax and eat something edible though small. A neighbour rang and whilst they were chatting I was dozing. Hubby looked at my bag and there was another 150 mils in it. He said our neighbour had said it should not be red and looking like tomato sauce and over 300mls was an awful lot to loose since coming home. Thankfully we listened as we knew she was a nurse albeit 34yrs ago.
So it was Sunday evening I was back in hospital much to my distress, thank goodness after 24hrs, more tests, bloods and two nasty injections through a cannular I am back home , grateful and determined to stay here.
Last night I slept like a baby, we were up at a quarter to stupid o’clock. But today is MIL’s funeral and sadly I can’t go, I am not well enough. That again is another post. .
So I am going to stop now as I am exhausted, I have been trying to finish this post on and off for over 12 hours now but I am determined to do so.
The funeral went well, and MIL’s road was lined with her neighbours, family and friends. A mark of the woman she was. Our middle son followed the hearse to the Crematorium as a mark of respect, a one man Cortege. He payed his respects to the 10 family members allowed into the funeral then drove to our house to look after me. In the garden socially distancing.
Hubby and our two other sons attended the funeral, hubby read his lovely eulogy to his mum, the Celebrant spoke beautifully about MIL from what hubby had told her. Hubby and our to other lads joined The middle lad and me in the garden, we made a party of six with Ruby dog, and we were all socially distanced. The boys drifted off one by one the youngest first home to his family, then the middle to his flat our eldest and hubby took Ruby for a walk . Then he went off home too.
Below the music from the funeral.
Mil entered to this as it was a favourite of hers.
This hymn was for all to join in, with was this version.
Unforgettable, bless she is. Was her exit anthem.
So I think that is that for now, I still don’t feel up to being back full time yet. The loss, the cholecystectomy bag, the next op, the fear and pain, pandemic is all a little to much just now. I am here I am trying and it’s so good to know you are all there.
Thank you to Sue at Daily Echo and Ritu at But I Smile Anyway for seeing me through a dark night on the ward. Thank you Marjorie Mallon for her kind words and Darswood for giving me the shove I needed to write this post. To all of you , you know who you are Betty, Geoff, Di, Hugh, Colleen, Dale, Ronovanwrite’s, Kat, John, Jim all of you out there, I am here. I am coming back I just need some time. If your name’s not there consider yourselves all mentioned.
Tonight I am so tired that I can hardly stand.
But I must post because the NaBloPoMo torch is in my hand.
For now Little Mae is safe with Polar Bear.
He watches her tenderly and she feels safe within his care.
The Winter Queen has them safe and sound.
She believes that even though evil and darkness are all around.
Little Mae is safe within her care.
So for now I must let them lie and hope in safety they can keep.
As tomorrow is another day which I shall address after I have had some sleep.
Night night xxxxxxxxx
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