LindaGHill’s dropped an email n my inbox , it said: “Friday has arrived! And so have I with your Stream of Consciousness Saturday prompt. We’ve decided to do a big, overdue cleanup of the house today, so I won’t be around to help with any issues in the comments. Feel free to jump in. And thank you! Here’s your prompt:”
Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “starts with over.” Find a word that starts with “over” and use it for your prompt. Enjoy!
Back prepandemic in 2019 those of you who know/ follow me helped me through the last withdrawal from all pain medication I was on after breaking my back. A few years prior to that I managed to get off of tramadol. That was a long and hard journey but I got there so when it came to getting off of Gabapentin I thought this can’t be so hard? It’s a neuropathic painkiller. I totally overestimated there I was overoptimistic. I had been on it for over eight years, massively, overdosed, overprescribed, overlooked and overwhelmed by it all. I weaned myself down from four six hundred mgs, four times a day to one hundred mgs twice a day then finally 100 mgs every other day. With no great help from the doctors who just want to hand them out like sweets to keep me quiet. It was easy for them to just hand them out to me and say “You’ll need them for the rest of your life”
I shared up to a point until I was taking one 100 mgs morning and night one day and just one 100mgs in the evening on the alternate day. Then down to one pill every other evening. I have said nothing since 2020 but I am pain killer free and have been over four years now but even more important I am no longer measuring the pill free time. I had to stop and think when I was last taking prescription pain killers.
Yes, I am free, the physiological freedom, the purging of needing is truly great. If anyone is going through the same journey I will say it is not easy. Emotions, physical pain and true fear are battles to fight but if I can do it anyone can. I am not pain free but I am drug free. I have kept quiet about being free of all my medication because at first I was afraid to actually say it out loud, publicly. So please keep it up if you are going through withdrawal of any kind. Drugs, drink, gambling, being in an emotionally bullied situation. Do persevere, do ask for help do let friends and family in. I cannot overemphasize the importance of letting people help you on your journey. That’s all for now. Thank you all for your support over that time….
Ronovan thought Whirl would go well with the Haiku words this week of Bird and Blow. As always, if you wish, you can link between the Haiku Challenge prompt of (BIRD and Blow). and this Décima Challenge of WHIRL in the C rhyme line. This means you could write a haiku post using the prompt words. Then do a Décima post using this week’s prompt uniting the two with a common message.
The 2 CHALLENGES are SEPARATE but CAN BE combined if YOU CHOOSE to do so.
Your harsh, cold words cut me up short I was blown out of the water Ice maiden, the devil’s daughter Too late in your web I was caught. I’d die for you without a thought So enchanted by you, bad girl Battered by the rocks that you hurl Like narcotics on me you grow You have dismissed me like fly blow So bird-like I flutter and whirl.
I have to apologise I have not posted anything for four days and in truth it has taken me as long to catch on everyone’s comments and posts. I have been distracted by toothache culminating in a visit to the dentist yesterday and with no flush or flourish my tooth being removed! That I can tell you was a bit of a shock and though painless at the time due to brilliant anaesthetics it has been very painful since.
Sorry I just cannot write. So here is a story I wrote in 2011.
THE DEATH
It was quiet and dark and the sun through the window was warming him just enough to keep him alert now his fight had begun.
The bench was hard but he could take that, it was the pain in his side and chest which filled his being, everything else was flat.
Fear gripped his mind, he was so cold inside yet a sweat was rippling down his back.His sight was blurred was he going blind.
Slowly a long hidden memory came to the fore. His mother had taught him it long before he had changed. “Gentle Jesus meek and mild look upon me a little child”
OH! Jesus if you are there help me now, I did not need you then but I do now. Jesus this pain is f###ing killing me, help me help me please. Slowly he slipped forward onto the floor a darkness washed over him and he knew no more.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Where are you going son. No, out, will not do. Listen to me boy I am asking you. Why must you run with that pack it seems to me now there is no coming back. What has happened to you, you were such a good boy at school I had hopes that you’d go far but your just like your brother playing the fool.
No your not wicked but your not a fool and I am telling you this, in my book you’re not cool.
What are you doing with that? Give it me back , don’t you threaten me son I’ll give you a smack. OH! Please will you listen to me don’t take that knife it will not set you free from the boredom in your life. It will not get you a job, it won’t make you a man what has happened to you and your world changing plan? You had vision and hunger for work a decent and pleasant boy not as you are now , just a jerk.
~~~~~~
Clearing up quietly the priest approached the the last row when something on the floor that caught the suns last glow. Red and sticky he knew what it was but he prayed to his God that it would not be true. The boy lying his arms out wide blood flowing from his side. A thought crossed his mind but he dismissed immediately. He looked like Jesus did, you see. Arms out wide , blood from his side a cut round his forehead dripping blood in his eyes.
He took out his mobile and took a deep breath as he dialled , ambulance , police he begged his mind running wild. The operator was telling him what to do, “Keep him warm and stem the blood is what I want you to do.” He ripped off his cassock and swaddle the lad he then notice blood on his jeans ( the best ones he had) He cradled the boy and prayed in his ear “keep trying to stay ask now, Jesus will hear.”
It was half an hour until anyone arrived the paramedic crew gently moved the priest to one side. It was too late the boy was gone, then with their radios crackling loud, the police taped the area off,with people from everywhere arriving, such a crowed.
Standing back and looking around the priest said a prayer with out making a sound. “Dear God take the soul of this boy who died here today and give him some peace, and if you have time help me find words to sooth his family, at least ” Then sat down exhausted, he was just a man even though he was called priest.
A woman on her way home from work regretting an argument at the start of the day was wondering how to fix things and what she could say. She always said never give up, never leave a good word unsaid. Never leave things, sort them before you go to bed. Passing the church she saw her youngest boys friends , he wasn’t there perhaps they could make amends.
He awoke with a jump. It was his brother rolling in drunk! Damn only 4am please don’t go over what’s to happen again. I know I must do this. I must prove myself.
It was all too easy a year a go when his best friend introduced him to the boys “you need to know” It had been simple things at first making old ladies jump, stealing traffic cones all laughing fit to burst.
When he was really trusted, got himself a name.Things became more serious it suddenly was a whole new game. They met the older boys, the ones with big fast cars. They all wore hoodies, bling and they all had facial scars.
It was money and messages that he had to run he was fit and had a bike.Now that is how easily it had begun. He often skipped school though not always willingly. There really was not any choice, what the big boys said, had to be.
His teachers all asked him why his work had slipped away he had a brilliant future and he had thrown it all away. He was a little worried but he shrugged his shoulders and wondered off, his teachers called him back but his friends told them to f### off.
Mum, she was desperate working on her own doing all she could to keep the house,the boys and make for them a home. The oldest she had lost him he had gone to drugs. She had tried so hard but he just robbed her blind and made her look a mug.The young one she had dreams for she had prayed to the Lord each day but now he was on the wrong track and now he was slipping the same way.
He knew he had become a waster, he knew that he was bad . It was the only way to be accepted and safe but the pain in Mum’s eyes made him feel bad. So he just avoided contact and hardened to her pleas. He was knocked back the other day when she begged him to stay home down on her knees.
He tried to ask his brother who ran with an older crew but he was useless as he was trapped there too. What chance was there, his brother asked, what was there for them to do there was no work or opportunities running with lads was at least something to do. It was all about status and how hard you are , what clothes you wore , what trainers and did you have a scar.
~~~~~~~~
His brother had one, his was on his face, from a fight with a rival gang. Okay it hurt , six days in hospital 17 stitches but he was now a big man?? Today was his chance to join the glorious crew. To take part in the big ruck was all he had to do.
Two weeks he had known about the fight , where and exactly when. It was on his mind both day and night . His thoughts were full of dread , through his blood ran pure fear it was nearly six now, the day was finally here.
Later in the kitchen when he was taking the knife , his mother caught him and shouted at him. He raised his hand to her for the first and last time in his life. Luckily she was small so he pushed to one side he crashed through the door and out the gate . His mother sat on the floor and cried.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Later he met the guys when mum had gone to work , they knew a squat they could use to complete their plan. By 4o’clock they were jumpy they were ready to a man.They left the squat and through the railings ran. Jumping , punching the air and making feral calls they had it now they all knew the plan, they had all the balls.
He wished he’d picked a smaller knife this one was too large . As he was changing it’s position. Into him a couple of the lads all barged. At once he felt a sharp and stinging pain as he fell to the floor, it felt worse again. His side felt wet and his forehead was cut where he had scraped along the floor..
By Banksy
What’s wrong man, stop messing we haven’t got the time it’s 5 oclock now hear those church bells chime. Oh! hey you’re hurt man what did you do. You stupid f### you stabbed yourself. We have to leave you here, no good to have a burden on the crew.
His best friend helped him in to the church and sat him at the back , hold on, he said, laters. then ran off to join the pack.
So he alone now, life ebbing from his side thought of mum, school his brother and he cried. He asked the lord for comfort but comfort did not come. He prayed a childhood prayer from deep inside his mind. The priest found him,and he was very kind. He wrapped his chest and held him and asked him not to go . He tried to but he couldn’t stay he felt too tired too low.
He heard the priests’ desperate call as he slipped away forget the ambulance he though and just pray for me today. The priest felt him go, but he would not loose his grip he felt he needed to guide this lost boy, some mothers pride and joy.
Getting off the bus and heading for home, she was tired her feet ached but she was determined not to moan. This was important , it had to be done she needed to put her whole being into saving her youngest son!
Pushing the front door shut behind her putting the bags down on the kitchen floor she looked into the living room but there was no one there. No television no shoot’em’up games standing in the hallway she called out both boys names.
OH! well, she put the kettle on and maybe she’d ring around she had both their mobile numbers but they did not always want to be found. The doorbell rings , damn she had only just sat down she, walking toward the door the phone begins to sing.
There it is the sight every mother dreads , a policeman and a policewoman , OH! god she thinks someone must be dead.
~~~~~~~~~
The hospital was noisy but she didn’t hear a sound her lungs were filling up as she were about to drown. She had been waiting for an age now, would no one take her in. She was feeling really sick now and and felt like things were crawling on her skin.
It was so cold in there and he only had a sheet on . God he looked so pale but she supposed that was what you would look like when all your blood was gone.
Lost Boys
She woke up with the headache she had had since that day the shock of the police visit and what they had to say. She she knew she had to get up she knew she must today, it was the funeral and that would not go away.
Things had been different he elder boy had staid home he seemed to want to help his mother and not leave her on her own. She dare not hope he had changed but she was glad that he was there. She slowly put her face on and then she brushed her hair.
His friends were at the church like they had been that day , he was not not with them. Would this pain ever go away. The priest seemed glad to see her and he offer his support, she felt close to this man who was with her boy when for his life he fought.
~~~~~~~~~
His favourite track finished and the last notes drifted away she stood up and looked at everyone and said she had something to say.
She knew that there was no work and that there was not much hope but joining gangs and using guns and knives was not the way to cope. Please listen she pleaded you are slipping away too many lives are wasted too many die this way. Something must be done and it must be soon we are loosing a generation it might be two if something is not done soon. How many more mothers have to suffer like I have we really need to sort this out……… her voice trailed off to silence as she repeated, how many more mothers like me.
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