Withdrawal . Nearly there?

I have been telling you all, about (I hope) the last few weeks of weaning myself off of Gabapentin. It’s a neuropathic painkiller. I have been on it for over eight years I have weaned myself down from four times six hundred mgs a day to one hundred mgs twice a day. With no great help from the doctors who just want to hand them out like sweets to keep me quite. This week I am altenating between one hundred mgs morning and night one day and just one hundred grams in the evening on the alternate day. It is hard,harder than I thought. This last part is so hard I just want to reach for the pills. So you guys can help me by listening to me writing it out.

A big thank you for baring with me.

Well I have not said anything about how the withdrawal has been going for a while. So I thought I let you all know how things are going.

My mood is very low, I feel like crying most of the time so I do have to fight it. Everything upsets me, the tone of hubby’s voice, TV , adverts, reading blogs, writing blogs..you get the picture.

Pain, I am in a lot of pain , I am determined to fight it and am using every weapon in my Armoury to do so… But it is constantly there.

Exhaustion I am way past tired! Anxiety levels are very high, temper short! Spiders on and off. Sniffing, it’s driving me mad. I did think this would be the easy part.
Enough no more negatives. I am still standing, I am down to 100mgs of Gabapentin every other evening, from 2,400gms a day. This has taken me two and a half years to achieve.

The weekend was hard, a friend was ill on Friday evening and I was at her house until 1am , then Saturday I spent the morning with her at the hospital. Thankfully is okay she now but the sitting around did nothing for my pain and stress levels.. I am getting good at hiding these though.

Wednesday we went to London for Prime Minister’s Question Time. It was very interesting and the weather was gorgeous. But the train journeys and sitting in very cramped conditions for the PMQs for over an hour was painful and stressful.

Hubby did get a little miffed with me because he said I was ratty, miserable and a tad awkward. He took a photo of me on the train going home…. I do look “miserable” but I did try. I certainly did not complain.

I was actually tired and in pain. But hey it had been a long day enjoyable but long.

I survived.

Yesterday and today hubby been staying at our eldest flat on the south coast, helping him decorate it so he can sell it. I have done things at my own speed so I am feeling little less anxious.

The weekend looms and I know it will be busy. I am getting there but it’s harder than I thought. Hey ho I am nearly there!

Friends tell me I doing great at that I look okay … I just wish I felt okay.

Thank you for listening. ūüíúūüíúūüíúūüíú


This is Breast Cancer Awareness Month

When I saw ¬†that¬†This Thing Called Life One Word at a Time¬† had written ¬†a poem to her sister here¬†¬†Kicking Cancer ¬†I decided ¬†to re use and¬†¬†revamp a poem, I also wrote last ¬†year and post it ¬† for this month’s cause.

I wrote this poem ¬†last year to ¬†three people ¬†near ¬†to ¬†me ¬†all had Cancer. Three different ¬†tyes of Cancer. Two ¬†of ¬†them have survived, ¬†sadly ¬†my ¬†dear ¬†friend Karen ¬†died of ¬†Cancer of ¬†the Oesophagus , but ¬†the other ¬†friend ¬†survived a ¬†throat ¬†Cancer ¬†and my ¬†dear bubbly ¬†cousin survived ¬†Breast ¬†Cancer.¬†I ¬†thought ¬†well you cannot ¬†shout ¬†loudly ¬†enough ¬†about ¬†Kicking Cancer¬†so I took out my ¬†old poem dusted ¬†it off ¬†and revamped it ¬†for this month’s cause.

Why is it called  red shoes, because  my  cousin loves  her red  shoes! She has  to wear  red high heels to  work ( not  quite  the ones in the phot

My Red Shoes.

These are my, can do shoes! My  not going to listen to you shoes!

My get up and go shoes! My stamp on and kick the shit out of the blues, shoes!

My ain’t gonna be be put on by you shoes! My skipping and dancing in the moonlight shoes.

My walking the righteous path shoes! my  who am I kidding shoes?

My kicking up a rumpus fetch me my compass shoes!

My who you looking at shoes, my cop an eye full of this shoes!

My ain’t behaving well shoes. My dancing on the ceiling enjoying every second shoes!

My in ya face, fall from grace shoes. My come and get me shoes,

My tiny winy skirt shoes! My delights are on offer shoes!

My need a thrill shoes,  my ones and twos shoes!

My I am bored shoes, my I want it now shoes!

My singing in the rain shoes, my apple pie up in the sky shoes!

My tipping the scales my way shoes, my light a candle say a prayer shoes!

My uppdido shoes, my yabbadabbado shoes!

My take a look at you shoes, my lookie lookie I just might let you touch me shoes!

My who am I kidding shoes, my I wish I was not such a wooze shoes!

My when is my turn shoes? My fingers burned all hopes spurned shoes!

My bridges burnt shoes, my lessons learnt shoes!

My on my own shoes, my without a home shoes! My nothing left to loose shoes!

These are my I can beat you shoes, my watch it! your days are numbered shoes.

My, we have your measure now shoes. My cut you out, kick you hard shoes,

My grind you into the floor shoes!!My laugh in your face shoes!!

My Cancer we will wipe  you out shoes, My will without  a doubt shoes!




She  would not  give in, never  listening  to to the dissenting voices

She  was determined, she would  push  and push. Yes  she had made her choices.

Even when the going was tough  she showed  her will of  steel  and never admitted, enough.

They laughed  at  her  behind  her back , yet  slowly  she found she had made  the crack!


Unfurled and yellow swirls.

Unfurled and yellow swirls.

Then came the day  she moved  out of the dark and up  into the sun

Breathing  in the fresh air  she stretched  and took in the air, her journey just  begun.

Up, up to meet  the sun she was tired  but  not  beaten  she would  make  her goal.

She lets  herself uncurl, throws out  her yellow dress in a graceful swirl, her heart feels whole.

Oh! my goodness she cries  with pride I am free I shall no longer hide.

Happily dancing in the sun and by moonlight  having fun her heart full of pride.


A life  so full could  not last  forever, she did not dwell on that, she was too clever.

Happily ¬†she called to her sisters and brothers ¬†live a full life ¬†waste ¬†not a second ….never.

For  a few weeks  she basked in the sun, washed in fresh rain  then suddenly  her life was done.

I was sad I shed a tear, but in my heart I know  she will be back next year. Too stubborn is she to be gone .

Again and again ¬†she will arise ¬†and shine ¬†and ¬†join in the chorus of the wonderful earth’s song!


Le Tour

A rainbow  of  colour  speeds  through  the countryside

Circling , circling spinning around  and around.

Rushing  through  towns  and villages  far  and wide.

Pumping,  pumping  up  and down  eating up  the ground.


Nations united all in the race  sweat and pain shown in the face.

Riding  the wheel  of  the man  in the lead

Nothing  but winning  matters  in this race.

Ignoring the falls even if  they  bleed.



Speeding  speeding to set up  the  lead

Racing  away  from  the  pack of  the peloton

Eating up  the miles  with incredible  greed

One slip of  concentration and whoosh  your  lead  is just  gone.


Motor bikes,scooters, cars  and vans follow  the riders

Throwing  gifts  to the crowd hoping  they will behave

The excitement is  mounting  here  they come,  and go like  gliders.

The roads so  crowded with onlookers, ignore  them just  be brave.


Climbing the mountains  in the pouring  rain,

Your  heart  is thumping,  pumping your head wants  to explode

Speeding  through  the valleys the sun out again.

Rushing ¬†to the finish it’s ¬†the finale sprint all those wheels and feet implode!


Time ¬†for celebrating ¬†jersey’s ¬† to award

The domstiques are exhausted  they have done all the work

The teams  and spectators are happy  to applaud.

Tomorrow is another stage  so wasted effort is  something they cannot  afford!



My heart upon my sleeve

Illustration from http://elainebatson.blogspot.co.uk/
As I travel through this life I bare the scars and bruises dealt to me by trouble and strife. I wear my heart upon my sleeve it shows the the echoes of all the things for which I bleed. One step forward one step more  just keep on moving steel yourself for what is in store.
See me naked nothing to hide. Open to all I no longer fear what is inside, I am open take it all you can no longer hurt me even if you take me too the wall. I grow stronger by the day my insecurities are now pushed away.
Yes that is my heart and I wear it with pride and now I have a new outfit ,SELF WORTH  for me to wear I no longer will myself hide. I have found the light that will lead me safe to where all is bright!

This is the hill

This is the hill I have to climb

I read Zendictives¬† post this morning and it so inspired me . The words hit home and so I wrote this. Thank you again Art for inspiration. I wrote ” This Is The Hill”

Here is the link to Zendictives post.  http://zendictive.wordpress.com/2012/02/07/the-ant/


This is the hill

This is the hill I have to climb this is the load I have been handed by the Divine. This is the path I have to take , whether or not I want to this is the way I have to make. I do not know the reason or the rhyme,  no doubt all will be revealed to me in good time.

“Make friends with your pain” they said to me, “include it in all you do¬† that is the way your life can be free”. I hardly believed them, but what do I know, and I need life to be liveable so I gave it a go. For a long while I fought things, I hardened my mind I got depressed and home bound and dare I admit, unkind!

I felt so sorry for my lot and sadly as I could not meet them most my friends me soon¬† forgot. Thankfully this did not last too long and I realized I needed to adapt¬† or I would be insane before long. Now the friends that were real I have encouraged again and the others are no loss and not worth the pain. I do all I can, all my physio and deep core exercises my walking and Pilates! I smile all I can and I laugh often and if I don’t look in the mirror my¬† bent back and shape can be forgotten.

Then I found wordpress hip and hooray and I have spewed out my venom and hurt and I am improving mentally each day. I have found lots of friends and some from other sites too and I am loving everyone’s’ talent and hoping I have some too!

This is the hill I have to climb this is the load I have been handed by the Divine. This is the path I have to take , whether or not I want to this is the way I have to make. I do not know the reason or the rhyme,  no doubt all will be revealed to me in good time.

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