Hello everyone , note I am not bothering with the Italics because I shall lapse, at some point , back into normal New Roman so lets start as I mean to continue.
Sorry I am still finding it hard to write and apart from that lurking dog in the corner there I do not know why. There are a thousand feelings and fears screaming to get out of my head but they are trapped, trapped and locked in! I am ploughing through your posts and comments trying at least to keep up and keep abreast of the buzz in the hopes that my block and darkness will lift,
I am annoyed with myself because there is so much good in my life right now that I should be grateful for and busting with joy . Sadly the fact is I am not and with my poetry not even willing to help me I feel bereft. I am trying not to be on the laptop in my husbands pressence right now as he seems to think it is sapping my sanity… the truth is totally the reverse! But hey ho what do I know.
I am looking out of the kitchen window it is 7.50am and the sun is out and it it looks like it might be a dry and warm day, a rare thing at the moment. It is 1st of June and even last night we had to have the heating on! Later this morning we are going over to visit the Newbie and his mum and dad as their third wedding annaversary is this comming week. We have bought them crystal glass as tradition demands, for 3rd anniversary. I found some beautiful champagne saucers which have tiny Swarovski crystal elements used in the pattern looking for all the world like tiny diamond stars in orbit!. Well I love them and they came in a lovely black box how could I resist. My husband the much more practical one brought our son a 1050Watt all sing all dancing impact power drill…. very romantic not … but all the same very useful and I am sure it will be well used!!
Well that was about 30hrs ago and still I am finding it so hard to write, it hurts not to write, not to express myself. I do not even feel like answering my emails and usually I love to keep in touch with my friends.
Bare with me I will be be back, after all I have Little Mae and all her friends hanging on for me to rescue them! I think the Kate Bush singing Running up that hill, expresses the feeling of treading water and being bogged down in saddness. I think there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Hi I wrote this in November of last year. Today I am feeling tired and cold and if I am honest very low. This poem of mine came into my head so I revisited it. I keep thinking that I have moved on and that he has too but then another kick from the gods of fate comes resounding into the small of my back and I open my eyes and see nothing has changed nothing at all.
I have changed about two words, they probably make no difference to the poem but I needed to change them. A little tweakette. Oh! that we could do that with life. The keys at the end of the poem are very symbolic to me. I feel locked up, trapped in a cell. Yet to the world I present this smile, “I can do ” appearance. What a joke that is I feel hardly capable of standing today.
Okay that is enough,I have subjected you all to more than you need to know about my bleeding heart and life so lets wipe the blood from the page and hope for a cheeky chirpy next post…… yer right!! 😦
Just how do you do it time after time.Why do I let you do this to me, there is no reason or rhyme. It makes no sense, why do you tear up this life of mine. Do you have no sense of occasion do you not even care, have you no feelings left for me, do you even need me there.
I think I must be stupid I think I must be mad to let you carry on the way you do, it is all so wrong, it just makes me feel so bad..
Why do you want to live two lives it surely it is not on. You are missing most weekends, sometimes weeks at a time and that is surely wrong. I have dodged the questions asked about you from family and friends I hate to lie for when that starts it never, never ends.
People take their sides they do not realize that they have, they make a choice which means different rules apply. The first time I was shown this my heart was turned to stone. I thought that I would die.
This really was a shock to me, I am a bit stupid you see, the fact that life is like that was staring at me glaringly.
It has been so many years now but time has not made any of the pain recede. In fact time makes no difference the pain just grows indeed. It has turned into acceptance which is a bitter seed.
Why have I taken this all for so long, why when I know it is all wrong. Family yes, appearances no,I lost all pride long ago . For my comfort maybe, I need help I need someone even if they don’t want me.
Drip drip the rain gently falls she looks out on the empty streets lined with ugly walls. Five minutes peace this may be all she’ll get the baby is asleep and he’s not crying yet.
Long lonely hours why is life so cruel, she even now regrets all the hours she wasted avoiding school. Her boyfriend does not care for her even less for the boy they argue every evening so short lived was their joy.
She had just been fifteen he had been the same they felt so clever and grown up it was like a game.
He could of gone to Uni that’s what everybody said but they wanted to get married, soon all their dreams were dead. He worked with a plumber but apprentices’ pays not much the money hardly met their needs and with all her friends she lost touch.
Every day was lonely everyday the same a round of washing, feeding, sleeping inside a nagging pain. Yes she loved her baby she did her very best but he never slept at night so neither she or her boyfriend ever got any rest.
He got up and left early and “deserved” an evening drink with his mates while she washed the nappies and put away the plates.They always seemed to argue they soon began to fight and many, many was the time she cried herself to sleep alone at night.
Then one day she saw a persistent butterfly, outside of her window fluttering by and by. She watched it for hours as it a dance it did fly she was so wound up in this she did not hear her baby cry. Tears fell freely from her dull and tired eyes she could not help herself as she opened up the window and stepped outside to fly.
Swing with his moods swing with his whims there is just no other way to cope with him.
Sail through the dark and sail through the night just agree with all that is said, watch your independence take flight.
Squeak like a mouse wash your whiskers too, just do everything that he wants you to do. It is better much easier that way if you want to survive and get through the day.
Roll with the verbal punches fall with the noise blows there is more to abuse than physical violence you know.
Make your decisions but make sure you choose right for if you are wrong you will worsen your plight. Remember your decisions remember you have a choice stand up for yourself and try to blot out his voice. Be strong , be determined don’t sell your soul, fight for your sanity remember freedom is your goal.
This is me here I stand, do you want my heart. Take it and crush it in your hand. Words don’t fit they beat me down all loops and bloops you watch me drown.
In my own blood you see me thrash, go on get your mates you could all lay bets as to when I’d crash!
Beat me, slap me with my words I’ve taped my mouth so my screams cannot be heard. Cut me carve me it is nothing I have not done before . I’m lost and wrecked on unused emotion’s shore.
Abuse me use me sate your need then throw me off like an unwanted weed. See my heart you have rent it in two I pull it out of my black hole and wear it on my sleeve for you .
Fuck me suck me dry you just don’t look or see the need within my eye. There is not much more that I can do you miss hear and miss understand all that I do. I stand here screaming silently bleeding need and blood constantly.
Hit me kick me just don’t look at my face, no matter how hard I have tried I cannot win this race.Here it comes the huge and vicious mouth I lost, I lost can’t take any more I fall and tumble all legs and arms I stumble south.
Damn you damn you what can I do to get to respect or love from you. Love okay it’s too late but kindness now would compensate.
We may be in the gutter but we are looking at the stars. The man who said that first, I wander was he out each night trailing through the bars.
Did he have fight his way through each and every day and think , then think again about what he was aloud to say.
Was it then as it is now such a long way to look up, did his neck ache like mine was he afraid of getting stuck within the realms of time?.
Did he sit on walls as we did too and make plans and schemes, the moment made we knew we’d never do or full fill our dreams?
We may still be in the gutter we may have still a long way to rise but it was easier then, the hope and stardust had not yet deserted our eyes! Where are the hopes and schemes and dreams.Oh! where have they gone why are they all disappeared and we’re left here with just the memory of how bright they shone.
We may all be in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars! But we cannot reach them and their memories leave only scars.
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