Zip it up

Zip it shut sew it up tight
Stop the babble of words
Nothing of use, nothing right
An outpouring of wingless birds.

Get me a plate I shall eat them all
Please let me take them back
Every last one chokes,big and small.
I will swallow them all, I will retract.

I never wanted to cause any pain
Believe me I meant no harm
Words I had heard again and again.
Lost now in this storm with no calm.

Words are weapons that wound and kill
My ears burn from what has been said
My throat torn out, now my voice is still.
Words lie bleeding words lie dead.

It is all too late there is no way back
Too many silences too much pain
One word needed but of it there a lack
Sorry, sorry this is insane.

Zip it shut sew it up tight
Stop the babble of words
Nothing of use, nothing right
A sad outpouring of wingless birds!

The Wall

The invisible wall

We travel together , but apart

Your distance from me is braking my heart.

Our seats are side by side

Yet as you sit down you build  a wall  behind which  you  hide.

We move along together but in our separate ways

In silence we start and end our days .

I set the table with cloth and crockery

Put down the food which we eat ,nothing to say? It is all a mockery.

We are busy  avoiding the truth, all the time.

You with your work and I with mine .

When did this all happen  were did our love go.

Now there is a huge void between us it is physical I cannot get through it 0r round it, I have tried, you must know.

We disembark together collect our luggage and the car

Then continue the journey , I read as you drive far.

I reach out to touch you I see that flinch

Am I that awful that simple contact  makes you wince ?

We look at the scenery and discuss the flight

We talk but we do not communicate, there is no reaching each other, now that is not right.

We book in jointly and walk up the stairs

I draw in the scenery. You pour us a drink we chink glasses, cheers!

I need you to see me, I need to see you.

We must work together, you know that is true.

Brick by brick the wall has to go

But I need your help .You already know.

We walk through the field inches apart

Yet miles of ice caverns separate our hearts.

Sitting on the pier surrounded by sea

I can’t scale the emptiness can you come to me?

sunset

We enjoy the sun set and say how gold are it’s last rays ,

We are good at that, joining to give away praise.

I look at you and you avert your eyes

I know you are not with me but with her, another part of me dies.

We need to be honest and work this all out

We still have a chance to turn this about.

Our paths may be different and take us apart

But we need to discover what is left in our hearts.

It may mean we no longer present this united front.

Let take up sledge hammers and smash this wall , lets be blunt.

We are not living in this relationship its true ,

And it is not enough for either of us to continue as we do.

We need to be honest we need to talk ,

It scares the hell out of me and I know you’d rather just walk.

We could face the facts and work out what to do

I have said my piece now it is up to you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A poem  I  wrote   in 2011

Stuck , running in the mud.

Hello everyone , note I am not  bothering with the Italics  because I shall lapse,  at  some point ,  back into normal New Roman  so lets  start as I mean to continue.

Sorry I am still finding it hard to write and apart  from that lurking dog  in the corner  there I do not know why. There are a thousand  feelings  and fears screaming to get out of  my head  but they are trapped, trapped and locked in! I am ploughing  through  your posts and comments  trying at least to keep up and keep abreast of the buzz in the hopes that  my block and darkness will lift,

I am annoyed with myself  because there is so much good in my life right now that I should be grateful for and busting with joy . Sadly  the fact is I am not  and with my poetry  not even willing to help me I feel bereft. I am trying not to be on the laptop in my husbands pressence  right now as he seems to think it is sapping  my sanity… the truth is totally  the reverse!  But  hey ho  what  do I know.

 

I am looking out of  the kitchen window  it is 7.50am  and the sun is out and it it looks like it might  be a dry and warm day, a rare thing at  the moment. It is 1st of June  and even last night we had to have the heating on! Later  this morning  we are going over to visit  the Newbie  and his mum and dad  as  their  third wedding annaversary is  this comming week. We have  bought  them crystal glass as tradition demands, for  3rd  anniversary. I found  some beautiful  champagne  saucers which  have tiny Swarovski crystal elements used in  the pattern looking for all the world  like tiny  diamond stars in orbit!. Well I love  them  and they  came in a lovely  black  box  how  could I resist. My  husband  the much  more practical  one  brought our  son  a 1050Watt  all sing  all dancing  impact  power drill…. very  romantic  not … but  all the same  very useful  and I am sure it will be well used!!

Well that was about 30hrs ago  and still I am finding it so hard  to write, it hurts not  to write, not to express myself. I do not  even feel like answering  my  emails and usually I love  to keep in touch  with my friends.

Bare with  me I will be be back, after all I have Little Mae and all her friends  hanging on for me to rescue them!  I think  the Kate  Bush  singing  Running  up  that  hill, expresses  the feeling of  treading  water  and being bogged down in saddness. I think there is light at  the end of the tunnel.

 

 

 

 

Farewell to Earth

It was hard to leave, hard to understand

Some tried hard to save our Earth

The others ignored the facts out of hand.

Where once was green and plenty all was now dust and dearth.

I was not alone there  were others of us there

Set upon this lonely moon

Destined , now to travel who knows where.

Afraid and frightened I sat marooned

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(A Sonnet to a dying Earth. Eight lines A,B. A,B A,B A,B )

WHY

Hi I wrote this in November of last year. Today I am feeling tired and cold and if I am honest very low. This poem of mine came into my head so I revisited it. I keep thinking that I have moved on and that he has too but then another kick from the gods of fate comes resounding into the small of my back and I open my eyes and see nothing has changed nothing at all.

I have changed about two words, they probably make no difference to the poem but I needed to change them. A little tweakette. Oh! that we could do that with life. The keys at the end of the poem are very symbolic to me. I feel locked up, trapped in a cell. Yet to the world I present this smile, “I can do ” appearance. What a joke that is I feel hardly capable of standing today.

Okay that is enough,I have subjected you all to more than you need to know about my bleeding heart and life so lets wipe the blood from the page and hope for a cheeky chirpy next post…… yer right!! 😦

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHY?

Just how do you do it time after time.Why do I let you do this to me, there is no reason or rhyme.  It makes no sense, why do you tear up this life of mine. Do you have no sense of occasion do you not even care, have you no feelings left for me, do you even need me there.

photo credits vanilla.wordpress.com

I think I must be stupid I think I must be mad to let you carry on the way you do, it is all so wrong, it just makes me feel so bad..

Why do you want to live two lives it surely it is not on. You are missing most weekends, sometimes weeks at a time and that is surely wrong. I have dodged the questions asked about you from family and friends I hate to lie for when that starts it never, never ends.

People take their sides they do not realize that they have, they make a choice which means  different rules  apply. The first time I was shown this my heart was turned to stone. I thought that I would die.

This really was a shock to me, I am a bit stupid  you see, the fact that life is like that was staring at me glaringly.

It has been so many years now but time has not made any of the pain recede. In fact time makes no difference  the pain just grows indeed. It has turned into acceptance which is a bitter seed.

Why have I taken this all for so long, why when I know it is all wrong. Family yes, appearances no,I lost all pride long ago . For my comfort maybe, I need help I need someone even if they  don’t want me.

WHEN WE LET GO WE ARE FREE

Why are we falling apart.

google images

Stop, stop you are breaking my heart. Why now, why is it all falling apart. It was good, it was great at the start so why why is it all falling apart.

You no longer listen to a word that I say, there is a split and it is growing larger every day.Why, oh! why when it was so good are we throwing it all away.

Stop, stop shouting at me , the louder you shout the less likely I am to agree. We were so together, what was it that happened that made you hate me.

Falling, falling apart. I can’t take much more you are breaking my heart. Listen, please listen don’t slam that door because if you do there will be no way back to how it was before.

google images

Teenage Mum

photo credits google images

Drip drip the rain gently falls she looks out on the empty streets lined with ugly walls. Five minutes peace this may be all she’ll get the baby is asleep and he’s not crying yet.

Long lonely hours why is life so cruel, she even now regrets all the hours she wasted avoiding  school. Her boyfriend does not care for her even less for the boy they argue every evening so short lived was their joy.

She had just been fifteen he had been the same they felt so clever and grown up it was like a game.

He could of gone to Uni that’s what everybody said but they wanted to get married, soon all their dreams were dead. He worked with a plumber but apprentices’ pays not much the money hardly met their needs and with all her friends she lost touch.

Every day was lonely everyday the same a round of washing, feeding, sleeping inside a nagging pain. Yes she loved her baby she did her very best but he never slept at night so neither she or her boyfriend ever got any rest.

He got up and left early and “deserved” an evening drink with his mates while she washed the nappies and put away the plates.They always seemed to argue they soon began to fight and many, many was the time she cried herself to sleep alone at night.

Then one day she saw a persistent butterfly, outside of her window fluttering by and by. She watched it for hours as it a dance it did fly she was so wound up in this she did not hear her baby cry. Tears fell freely from her dull and tired eyes she could not help herself as she opened up the window and stepped outside to fly.

Play the game.

photo credits google images

Swing with his moods swing with his whims there is just no other way to cope with him.

Sail through the dark and sail through the night just agree with all that is said, watch your independence take flight.

Squeak like a mouse wash your whiskers too, just do everything that he wants you to do. It is better much easier that way if you want to survive and get through the day.

Roll with the verbal punches fall with the noise blows there is more to abuse than physical violence you know.

Make your decisions but make sure you choose right for if you are wrong you will worsen your plight. Remember your decisions remember you have a choice stand up for yourself and try to blot out his voice. Be strong , be determined don’t sell your soul, fight for your  sanity remember freedom is your goal.

 

 

 

 

 

Why,why,why.

This is me here I stand, do you want my heart. Take it and crush it in your hand. Words don’t fit they beat me down all loops and bloops you watch me drown.

In my own blood you see me thrash, go on get your mates you could all lay bets as to when I’d crash!

Beat me, slap me with my words I’ve taped my mouth so my screams cannot be heard. Cut me carve me it is nothing I have not done before . I’m lost and wrecked on unused emotion’s shore.

Abuse me use me sate your need then throw me off like an unwanted weed. See my heart you have rent it in two I pull it out of my black hole and wear it on my sleeve for you .

Fuck me suck me dry you just don’t look or see the need within my eye. There is not much more that I can do you miss hear and miss understand all that I do. I stand here screaming silently bleeding need and blood constantly.

Hit me kick me just don’t look at my face, no matter how hard I have tried I cannot win this race.Here it comes the huge and vicious mouth I lost, I lost can’t take any more I fall and tumble all legs and arms I stumble south.

Damn you damn you what can I do to get to respect or love from you. Love okay it’s too late  but kindness now would compensate.

 

We may be in the gutter

photo images google images

We may be in the gutter but we are looking at the stars. The man who said that first, I wander was he out each night trailing through the bars.

Did he have fight his way through each and every day and think , then think again about what he was aloud to say.

Was it then as it is now such a long way to look up, did his neck ache like mine was he afraid of getting stuck within the realms of time?.

Did he sit on walls as we did too and make plans and schemes, the moment made we knew we’d never do or full fill our dreams?

We may still be in the gutter we may have still a long way to rise but it was easier then, the hope and stardust had not yet deserted our eyes! Where are the hopes and schemes and dreams.Oh! where have they gone why are they all disappeared and we’re left here with just the memory of how bright they shone.

We may all be in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars! But we cannot reach them and their memories leave only scars.

 

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