You never sipped vegan beer? You are missing something very special my friend. There’s so many and from big names, too. Carlsberg, Stella, Heineken and others, I think. And non-alcoholic, umm, I think, isn’t that right Mayumi my little precious?
Yes, she’s such a sweet doggy. Always does what she’s told. Always sleeps when we sleep. Always eats vegan – and loves it! And don’t bark a lot. Hate dogs wot bark a lot, don’t yu?Yeah, me boyfriend’s from the Middle East. They love dogs out there. And me grandparents are from China. And, umm, they love dogs out there…
Butt lickin’ muttwits just dont appreciate my responsibilities Treacle is grumbling as he drags Sixlegs towards home so easy for GitOrrf and thems hundred other West Pid muttwits – wotz trotting about squirting and pooping all they wants
Ah, to slip the leash in Herdwick pooping park and be allowed to run. To run. Free. Not him, alas. Not a service-assist dog. Life zipping him by, tethered to a handicapped hindlegs. Can’t even cross the road anywhere he lyks. Must always snifz out the designated crossing point, always waiting peep peep peep before it’s safe to trot on.
If only…
“nowlookhereTreacle,you’regoingtoofast” Sixlegs yanks at his handle “thisain’tarace,don’tyerknow?”
I don’t, coz I never been in a butt-lickin’ race, boss
A splatter of mud hits Treacle on the snout, followed by another, sailing above overhead.
Splat!
Onto the pressed white shirt of Sixlegs.
“Treacle!”
Wot in butt-lickin’ hell?
As two small muddy fourlegs scramble up from the pooping pipe hole and trot towards him, crossing the High Street and dangerously dodging roundlegs.
Hi ho Treacle, snifz yuz Treacle! yaps Smudge, who lives with hindlegs in a right proper house den.
Yo, blind doggy, snifz yuz adds Mouse, a daft streetlegs who tags along with any fourlegs wotz out walkies.
I’m not blind yer butt-lickin’ muttwit, that’s him Treacle starts for the thousandth time wotz behind, lyk
Thwack
The roundlegs catches Mouse and sucks him underneath, brakes squealing, Jemmapackmate screaming, fourlegs barking. Mouse tumbling over and over beneath the roundlegs and spitting out behind.
I’m okay, I’m okay Mouse squeals, staggering in the road, snapped legs attempting to carry him towards Treacle.
Henry shakes his large head, splashing away the rainlick.
No time for noshing?
Wot I means is, one: I grab Poppet, two: yu slap muttwit, three: we goes noshing, afters
Load of numbers, init?
Henry mate, just give that big brown muttwit a right hammering and I’ll crunch thems numbers
Crunching? Lyk the sound o’ that
C’mon, let’s finish this
The little and large fourlegs spin left and crash down into the undergrowth following the snifz of Poppet and that worrisome brown muttwit. Sniffy colours intensify the closer they trot.
Need some noshing Henry is panting not really built for speed, only submitting
Hold fast Henry. Gotta get Poppet back to the fayre before our hindlegs start missing us
Who? Franks? Nah, he’s banging the piss in the beer tent. Thinks I’m under the table
Erh, excellent. Let’s end this – nows!
▪
Poppet is conflicted. Running away into the sunset ain’t supposed to snifz lyk this. Izit?
Cold, damp, dark, versus comfort, warmth, and safety. Maybe nows the time to go home to Stonks and enjoy that coffee!
Are we nearly there – erh, anywhere yet?
We are my lover Drizzle stops and turns to Poppet.
A right solid male lyk Drizzle is all her dreams come true, right? Trouble is, all her dreams also include loads of dry weather, a cozy houseden, and Stonks with food bowl in handpaw.
Drizzle’s touch changes that in an instant.
Without further ado Drizzle trots ‘round back of Poppet for some well-deserved eightleggers. Sudden weight and Drizzle’s damp front toes are hanging down either side of her flanks. Large teeth are nuzzling her earflap before firmly clamping down onto her scruff. Not painfully, but in a right solid and intimately submitting grip.
Poppet is conflicted no more.
Spy ’ems and snifz ’ems!
Hold on, need my second wind Henry lumbers along behind.
The snow drives back the foot that’s slow
Sparky is tingling. He is Fenrir. And the time for action is nows. He streaks forward.
They ask no quarter Henry, and we show no quarter
They – we – wot?
This Drizzle is well fit, thinks Poppet, and wot he’s doing is simply–
Get off ‘o her! Sparky streaks out of nowhere, crashing into Drizzle’s flank.
Thud!
And bounces off, upside down in the rainlick leaves, paws sticking up in the air.
Yu wot, mate? Drizzle slides off Poppet to stand over the Whippet.
Great legs tower up into the darkness, merging into sky-blotting head.
I am Fenrir Sparky croaks, chops dry companion of Tyr, Norse god of war
And? Drizzle cocks his head, ready to lunge.
Sparky looks away and, erh – and this is my mate, Henry!
Royt then! Henry lumbers into view any yuz muttwits wanna submit before nosh?
Drizzle leaps away from Sparky. Henry stands foursquare. Poppet feels ignored.
Aww, mount up again, Drizzle, yu big tonk
The two big fourlegs knock heads, stubs and tails raised respectively.
Snifz yuz
Snifz yuz
Bodies slide past one another, searching and seeking. Butt sniffing all that hunger, desire, disappointment and despair. Both pull away, berserker ready.
Submit! roars Drizzle
Yeah royt huffs Henry.
They knock heads together once again, and – well, just stand there, shaking earflaps and wagging butts, the daft muttwits.
How yu doing Fudge?
Not so bad, Henry. Yu?
Wot? Sparky jumps upside the right way.
Fudge? Poppet squeaks, backend still quivering.
▪
Hold up, thought yor name’s Drizzle?
Henry looks at Poppet for a moment nah, this’s Fudge
Unbelievable Poppet steams.
Missing his pleasurable weight is bad enough. Worse, this Fudge is more than happy to stand there shooting the poop with Henry.
As for Sparky, he drops earflaps and braces for the wrath of a Poppet-denied his coming his way.
Sparky! Yu stupid, little mu–
Meanwhile, Fudge and Henry are catching up on all the latest.
No sign of yor lost hindlegs then, Fudge?
Nah mate, sniffed ’ems in Herdwick pooping park beforenows, but – nah!
The two great minds happily peer ‘round abouts the woods.
Nice gaff says Henry, wishing he can live in the woods and not in a small backyard.
Not so bad Fudge replies, content to simply stand with his buddy and snifz in the surroundings. He wanders over to the nearest squirting post and cocks a leg. Henry follows, sniffing Fudge’s squirtz for all the latest intel, before adding a little intel of his own.
Oi, yuz two! Poppet shatters the bromance moment. A flaplegs sqwarks in surprise from the branches above.
And yu she hisses at Sparky stay right there, I ain’t done with yuz yet before marching over to the two great minds.
Right then, Drizzle or Fudge or wotever she barks, before adding softly we still an item, init?
Item? Drizzle or Fudge looks confused.
Yes. Us she snarls yu know, a link?
Fudge looks at Henry for answers. Henry slobbers a bit before looking at Sparky. All three fourlegs look back at Poppet.
???
It was really, really good. But now… I’ve got to go away! Oh, oh, oh.
Sparky dares to go and stand beside Henry and Fudge – the three fourlegs gawking at Poppet.
Silence hangs heavy in the dark woods.
The flaplegs sqwarks again.
Buncha kretins she spits, and flops down to start licking her butt.
Fancy marking some posts? Fudge breaks the moment.
Totally replies Henry.
And just lyk that the two great minds trot off into the woods, abandoning Sparky.
Uh-oh Sparky starts getting tingly as Poppet directs all her fluffed-up blond earflaps frustrations straight at him.
Upon us all, upon us all a little rain must fall. It’s just a little rain oh yeah…
▪
Laters.
“theGibson?” KevLegs is beaming idiotically at Stonks “whenyousaidEDS1275” he pinches out his tee-shirt from his belly “youmeant,thetwin-necked,GibsonEDS1275!”
“corss” Stonks replies “obvs”
“notalottapeopleknowthat” KevLegs admits in wonder, beer glass drooping in one handpaw, tee-shirt pinched out in the other.
“saw’emlive,O2-“ she pokes a handpaw at Jimmy Page.
“noway!” he is stunned into silence. And then, tentatively “aStarWarsfan,also?”
“doesakickinthenutshurt?” she replies, lifting her tiny snout to the sky and scritching happily.
KevLegs fumes every possible shade of orange. A colour of pure happiness wot spreads across Herdwick pooping park, making fourlegs forget wot they’re doing, eating, squirting, eating, sniffing, eating. Black snout holes everywhere, twitching the air.
Don’t tell me… Poppet starts in amazement.
Yeah, both into Zep answers Sparky with intense satisfaction.
Knew it! Worrisome snifz really woz bad news Sparky eyeballs the unfolding events.
The brown fourlegs is all large head, solid limbs and sculptured muscle, a crease of silky hair rippling along his spine as he runs. The pretty Afghan, her coat shimmering in soft movement, following him. For a moment Sparky stares in appreciation at these two magnificent gods racing in and out between outraged fourlegs and slow witted hindlegs, to freedom – before common sense slams in sideways and he barks a panicky warning.
No Poppet, don’t do it!
“wot’syourproblem,matey?”
KevLegs, we gotta stop Poppet
“alrightmatey,I’mhungrytoo”
No. We gotta stop Poppet before it’s too late
“hotdogorburger?”
We gotta sto– dog-dammit! in a burst of insane speed – wot Whippets are famous for – he sprints away from KevLegs, leash snapping from handpaw, and races off to save Poppet.
Poppet, I’m coming. I’m coming
And Sparky is transformed from tingly Whippet into Fenrir, the gigantic wolfmate of Tyr, Norse god of legend. At least, he thinks he is. Always sez so. An ultra-sleek lightning fast grey battledog, zeroing onto thems, zig-zagging corners and cutting air to catch up. Lessening the distance with each bound. God of acceleration chasing gods of good looks.
Poppet! he barks Poppet, I’m com-iiing!
Poppet hears Sparky behind her – his bark closing fast. But she’s got no time for this nows. That big brown backside ahead pumping sturdy legs through the drink puddles is calling to her in irresistible colourful song. Summoning up all she ever wants, needs, must have. Nows.
Poppet, wait up!
Leave me alone Sparky she manages to pant can’t yu see I’m – preoccupied?
Poppet, stop
I cannot – no – never as she crashes into the wonderful brown backside of the big fourlegs who has, in fact, stopped to face their pursuer.
Snifz yuz Drizzle roars keep away, she’s mine his body vibrating with heat, licking at Poppet and leaving her in no doubt who’s in charge here.
Solid Rhodesian Ridgeback awaits sleek grey Whippet speeding towards him.
Sparky skids to a halt on outstretched pads, not winded in the slightest.
Hey, girl, stop what yu doin’ he pleads to Poppet the only way he knows how hey girl, yu’ll drive me to ruin
Wha? Poppet blurts, astonished.
Zeppelin, init he licks his chops first album, the bestest
Who?
Changed rock forever, erh, anyways thin tail protectively curled between his back legs Poppet don’t do this
“Sparky,comehere,comehereboy” KevLegs longways off, wobbling fast as he can wobble to try and catch up.
Poppet? Nice snifz-name Drizzle shakes his head approvingly before dropping it menacingly towards Sparky’s own delicate snout and my conquest
Over my dead paws
Leave off, Sparky, we’re a pair Poppet sez, dizzy from all this wonderful male attention.
Sparky knocks snouts with Drizzle so nows yu’d better stop and rebuild all yor ruins
No Sparky Poppet pleads I want this
Not gonna happen
Really? Drizzle lunges so quickly Sparky don’t see it happening. Blinding white pain behind his earflaps, ‘round his scruff.
SUBMIT! Drizzle roars
The pain, the pain without quarter Sparky chokes, pinned down the d-dogs of doom are h-howling m-more
Poppet finds herself jumping in to separate thems stop Drizzle, please stop, it’s only Sparky
Good advice, streetlegs Duncan irrupts onto the scene. Snout cold and wet, eyeballs smoldering, his badge of office bright across his black and tan chest: Thames Valley PD Unit.
Step away from the little fella he slaps his snout against Drizzle sharpish
Drizzle releases Sparky, who gets up, shakes himself down and determined to get back into the fight.
Sparky! Duncan’s commanding growl making the whippet pause in mid-leap.
Not Sparky, Fenrir sez Sparky
Wotever, just do it
Sparky starts tingling violently but does wot he’s told and backs away.
She’s with me, nows Drizzle sez, not giving ground my conquest, that’s fourlegs rules, and yu knows it
“easyboy” PC Andersen pulls Duncan to heel.
Duncan twitches earflaps, reluctantly agreeing the streetlegs is right. He turns his snout away, dismissing the problem.
Thought so Drizzle replies, returning the compliment. Nudging Poppet he whispers in her earflap run darling!
They sprint away into the distance, out of Herdwick pooping park, gone.
No wonder Poppet screwed up doggy intellectuals sighs Duncan.
Duncan looks down at him, his eyeballs cooling yu know I cannot. He ain’t broken no laws he grates between his teeth and he ain’t broken our ways
Wotz broken? Henry lumbers out of nowhere, all loose limbs and slobbery jowls.
Hello Henry Duncan looks at him didn’t see yuz down at doggy’s intellectuals?
Doggy’s wotzits?
▪
The trouble with hindlegs, PD Duncan muses, is they get all sorts of excited about nothing. PC Andersen is scritching into his handpaw to Roger which, to start with ain’t natural and, to end with, coz he’s got himself agitated.
“domesticdog,goneintowoods” PC Andersen is scritching in agitation
“nonsense,nonsense,nonsense” Roger scritches out of thin air.
Listen yu twos Duncan advises Henry and Sparky in a soft growl don’t go thinking of doing anything stupid?
Some mutts gotta go save Poppet? explains Sparky.
That’s her problem, not yors
And not yors either, s’pose Sparky is hoping about on tiny paws.
Yu twos got any common sense–
Sense? Henry quizzes.
Yes, sense repeats Duncan yu’ll both ignore that big brown muttwit and go grab some free nosh while it lasts
All yuz police fours ever think ‘bout is noshing Sparky yaps.
Dog-damned right! PD Duncan trots off towards the nosh stalls, PC Andersen still scritching into his handpaw at Roger.
Come on Henry, let’s get after ’ems
Both fourlegs wait for Duncan to disappear before dashing out of Herdwick pooping park, all stealthy lyk. Stealthily as a stout English Mastiff and tingly Whippet can manage.
They’re wearing steel that’s bright and true.
They carry news that must get through.
They choose the path where no-one goes.
The song bounces ‘round between Sparky’s earflaps.
Sparky? Henry whispers in a loud voice I got common sense, ain’t I?
Aww, buckets, mate
▪
Poppet and Drizzle find the nearest street corner to squirt off some of the excitement. Running from the law may not be new to the streetlegs Rhodesian Ridgeback but it certainly is to the pretty Afghan hound.
Come on we need to move Drizzle nudges her forward.
Where?
Follow me
Drizzle leads Poppet up Nelson Avenue and across Westley Piddle High Street, dodging between roundlegs.
“stupidanimals!” hindlegs shouts.
Drizzle trots a maze of back streets in a wide circle towards home, taking the long way to throw off any pursuit, his sporting female close at tail – just how he lyks it.
Caught up in the danger, Poppet starts considering wot she’s gone and done. Deserted Stonks at the Doggy Intellectuals Show. On the one paw, she’s never gonna hear the end of her scritching over that. On the other paw, she’s run off, init? So she’s probably never gonna hear about it, anyways.
Wot about Stonks?
Who?
Sharonpackmate, me companion
Wot about it without lessening his trot beforenows, init?
S’pose so!
Poppet’s can hardly get earflaps ‘round this new nows. Wotz harder is getting earflaps ‘round this big male with his earthy orange-snifz and meaty hindquarters wotz nows allhers. All hers! Wet snout holes pinch together in lustful delight. Honest to dog, there’s gonna be no probs in getting her earflaps ‘round any of that meat loaf up front. Thank yu!
Scraping clouds let fall a right load of rainlick, soaking both fourlegs. Drizzle’s fur stains black under all the drink – another alluring feature of his, Poppet thinks. She’s also thinks that Stonks always makes a B-line for the nearest coffee shop when its rainlicking. Unexpected memories of the snifz of coffee falters her step.
Keep up Drizzle barks
Stonks needs her coffee she whines.
Don’t bark poop he grunts, dismissively keep on trotting
Rainlick is bouncing up from the pavement into Poppet’s eyeballs, her beautiful hair is dripping in black tails, her pads are soaked and she stops to lick thems.
Wot nows? Drizzle turns on her we gotta reach thems woods and safety
Givvus a second
Two muttwits saunter ‘round the corner at the far end of the street.
Argh, not thems again!
Who?
That skinny muttwit, Fenrir and some right ugly wrencher
Fenrir? Nah, that’s Sparky. Right dreamer is wot that Whippet is
Don’t know, don’t care. Cock a leg and keep up!
Poppet wants to flop down and throw a sulk but, wotz even more important, she don’t want to lose her stud muffin, neither. They hurry through the rainlick, pursued by the two muttwits. After a squirtz or two further on West Pid’s housedens give way to woods and hedgerows.
Keep up Drizzle shoots left into the undergrowth beneath the trees.
“stickthisnumberonthedoggy” Armitage thrusts a No.11 rosette into her handpaw.
Stonks and Poppet stand at the edge of the showground with loads other fourlegs. Sitting, reclining, licking at essentials, and all hard eyeballing Poppet.
Oi, shaggy teets, brains not beauty wanted, init? Sasha, the cute Shih Tzu, spits.
Shuttit, fluffy butt growls Poppet.
Ooo, stupid animaux Marie-Antoinette, the French Poodle shrills at thems both no beauty, no brains, no intellect-tuels. No clarss!
Stonks pulls out a curry comb, spinning silver from Poppet’s fur “needbrushing,needbrushing”
I’ll bang this Poppet’s beauty dazzles not so hard, izit?
“numberten,numberten” Armitage scritches, making all the fourlegs wince “getyerdoggyhere,NOW”
“isthatyou?” Stonks is checking the rosette number on Poppet’s collar.
Is that me – wot? daft hindlegs with all their daft numbers, wotever thems are.
That’ll be me, sir Gunther, the curly-haired Standard Schnauzer marches onto the showground number ten
Him! Sasha is shaking earflaps in disgust would be that jerry melt, wunnit?
Attention, attention, muttwits all Gunther barks fiercely at his audience now follows ze demonstration of right posture, fine precision and ze German art of canine intellektuelles
He trots precisely to the designated starting point.
I am prepared! he instructs fräuleinmate, his hindlegs companion.
“OhPoppet,that’sus” Stonks almost trips over the rope barrier to get at the showring.
Cultureless beetch the French Poodle daintily trills at Poppet.
▪
In less time than it takes a large fourlegs to squirtz three times, end on end, Drizzle has already stuffed his snout with pizza bits, pork rinds, fried noodles, doner kebab, and sticks of chicken satay. He indolently cocks a leg against the corner of the Cornish pasties and starts to –
Put a stopper on that! PD Duncan barks, stepping into view, PC Andersen on a lead beside him.
Snifz yu, big fella Drizzle sez, mid squirtz and stopper wot?
Cocking a leg lyk yu owns the place
Squirtings against the law, officer? Drizzle raises his solid black snout, eyeballing the Thames Valley Police Dobermann.
Yes. Within proximity of hindlegs nosh Duncan eyeballs back, unblinking, snout twitching easily.
Within wot?
Close to, nearby, within range of…
So, whys that then?
Coz fourlegs are not permitted to squirtz in non-designated squirting areas
Hmm Drizzle flashes a big maw of teeth, slowly lowering his cocked leg.
Duncan steps forward to bump snouts thems are the squirting rules of law. Understood streetlegs?
Drizzle wants to fight. He snifz ready for it, expecting the PD to do the same, but the Dobermann stands rock steady, relaxed, disinterested.
Drizzle snorts and backs off.
Thought so Duncan watches him slouch away and disappear into the crowds.
Shaking his head, he forgets Drizzle and eyeballs PC Andersen right then, ‘bout time for some well-earned police lunch, constable?
▪
Rainlick, wotz been dripping on and off all morning nows decides to turn it full on.
Better find some earflaps shelter
Earflaps battened down, Drizzle quickens his pace towards the pooping woods behind the park, his homeden. He stops in mid trot, snout up, sniffing colours of extreme interest: female colours. Lots of ‘ems.
Ah-ha!
One colour is particularly overpowering. Snout holes twitching – a sporting female on the cusp of ragging it red.
An ugly grey Whippet is eyeballing him from the distance.
Mind yor own dinner he barks in his direction.
Trotting on he soon finds himself amongst a pack of fourlegs. Females all turn and snifz in his direction. Their daft hindlegs companions don’t notice, eyeballing straight ahead at something – wotz the same direction that overpowering colour is sniffing from. He pushes through the pack to snout it out for himself.
Snifz vous some Frenchie whispers at him. Ordinarily that’s enough to get some sporting action going but all he wants now is to follow his snout towards the most exciting colour he’s ever sniffed. Today anyways.
▪
In front of Drizzle, across an empty space, Armitage is scritching nonsense at Stonks. Drizzle begins licking his chops.
“nonsense,andnonsense”
And Stonks, in turn, is scritching nonsense at Poppet “turnleft”
..and turning left
More scritching.
..turning right
..sitting, lying down, and staying
Ha, we’re burying it, Stonks!
Erh, wot – wot?
Nah, easier I come with yu, init, not wait ‘round abouts here?
“STAY!”
Nah, I’m coming with yuz. Definitely coming with yu–
“disqualified!”
“leaveoff,youold-erh,mrArmitage” Stonks is flicking handpaws at Armitage.
“Isaiddisqualified-nonsensenonsense-idiotcanine”
Givvus another chance, mate
“DISQUALIFIED!”
All of a sudden she don’t care. She ain’t listening, ain’t sniffing, and ain’t being intellectual. Coz Poppet’s life is being turned upside down, inside out.
Onto the show ground trots the most dog-damned solid stud muffin she’s ever sniffed. Trots right up to her without a care in the world and bumps snoutz.
Snifz yu, kitten he nuzzles
S-nifz – snifz yu
“PoppetNO,PoppetNO!”
Poppet ain’t part of this world no more. She allows this stranger to go do something no other fourlegs is ever allowed to do beforenows. To trot ‘round back and snout her necessaries.
Ooooh-ahhhhh female fourlegs from all ‘round the show area swoon in unison.
Before Stonks can overcome her shock, before Armitage can scritch any more nonsense – Poppet is flying for her life. Following this wonderfully sniffy fourlegs off the show ground. Flying headlong towards the exit of Herdwick pooping park, and beyond.
The bright hot ball is high in the sky. Herdwick pooping park is full of hindlegs enjoying the summer fayre.
“Cockfest,Poppet,purecockfest!” Stonks sweats orange-sniffy lust. One handpaw covering her chops in a frenzy of excitement, other tightly clutching Poppet’s lead.
Stop it! Yor sh-strangling me
Stonks don’t listen. She’ surveying the lie of the land. First, she spies the large area for best of show. Second, the lavvies. Third, the beer tent. And fourth, eyeballs lock on, coordinate, and memorise all the fit looking cocksters wobbling ‘round abouts.
Sh-stop it!
“oops!sorry”
Nows her turn. Able to breathe again, Poppet lifts her snout, both snout holes twitching. First, she snifz out other fourlegs – zero immediate threats. Second, she snifz for fit males – zero immediate eightleggers.
Pff!
Third, the line of nosh stalls all sniffing right tasty: Greggs, KFC, Pizzahut, PizzaRiot, Jimmy Thai’s, the Istanbool kebab joint, Fong’s Noodles, and Best Cornish Bakery with its eyeball-popping variety of Cornish pasties.
Blimmey! Get a nosh-load of all that
As it happens, Stonks starts wobbling fast towards the hindlegs marker posts.
“needthelavvy” she scritches “needaslash”
A sniffy blue purply-sniffy mist billows out from a row of portaloos stuck close to the entrance of the park, spreading its colours everywhere. Poppet knows the portaloo marker posts is where Stonks squirtz. Wotz wrong with just squirting on the ground, against a lamppost or corner of a wall? Hindlegs got no sense.
Hurry up Stonks, noshing time
Stonks wobbles inside. A moment later Poppet can snifz today’s brekkers and yesterday’s take-out dinner.
Two grey furrylegs are chasing each other across the branches above the portaloos, heading towards the nosh stalls.
Thems want noshing, too
While Stonks does her thing Poppet snifz out all the usual muttwits attracted to the nosh.
Greedy muttwits, the load of ’ems
Over by rural crafts tent are the Jack Russell brothers, Nutz and Boltz, a right pair of muttwits. Over by the beer tent is Gitorrf!, scrounging something alcoholic for Halfleg. Closer by is Giblets, the young Boxer, all big chest and tight little rear end. Thinks he’s dog’s answer to all the females.
Ah doggit, please don’t turn round as Giblets turns round, sniffing the air and eyeballing Poppet. He starts strutting her way, pulling along his hindlegs companion.
Oi, hello darling, Snifz yu
Snifz yu too, Giblets, but nows not a good time
They bump snoutz.
As it happens ‘nows’ is always a good time
Giblets muscles his way towards her rear, his stump wagging in anticipation of Afghan eightleggers. Poppet snaps at his earflaps.
Leave off, doggy
Ouch! he squeals.
He tries for another rear-ender, both fourlegs jostling ‘round in a tight circle.
Yu ain’t my type yer squash-snouted, short-haired mutt and gives him another nip.
Gibletsleaps out of range.
“Oi,Giblets” his hindlegs companion scritches, hauling him off.
Laters, yer nasty witch
Nevers!
Poppet shakes her head, soft blond earflaps shaking it all about. And that there’s the problem, init? Every dog-eared muttwit with plum bobs attached wants to try his chance, at every opportunity.
And none of thems are mister right!
“that’sbetterPoppet,feelhumanagain” Stonks steps out the portaloo, shaking it side to side while wobbling down the three steps to the grass.
“comeon,needtobangthepiss,beforetheshow” she makes towards the beer tent, hauling along Poppet.
▪
Inside the beer tent the wotz-a-nice-dog-like-yuz-doing-in-a-place-like-this only gets worse.
Snifz yu love-bug!
Henry leave off, mate
The slab-sided English mastiff bangs into her suggestively submit, girl, submit
Woz a time Henry had all the big gun assets. But after the vets, sadly, he’s out of ammo.
Henry, I loves yers to death really, but…
Big Knickers ‘enry, nows
Yeah, so I heard, but no thanks
SUBMIT!
Nah means nah, gettit?
“leaveit,Henry,LEAVEIT!” Franks, his companion tries hauling him off, Guinness in one handpaw, English Mastiff in the other. But Henry ain’t having any hauling off.
Only one thing for it Poppet howls an ear-splitting territory fit Get Away! Get Away! Get Away! all gnashing teeth and flying blond braids.
The beer tent flaps outwards in the pressure of fourlegs barking. Franks tugging, hauling, dragging a bewildered Henry out of the tent in a shower of Guinness.
“naughtyPoppet,wot’swrongwithyu,naughtyPoppet,embarrassingmelikethat!” Stonks tap-tap-taps each word on Poppet’s chain.
Wotz wrong with me? Me?
“andstopyapping,yernastycreature” Stonks scritches in a rising red-sniffy temper, raising her handpaw to give Poppet a right slapping. Some old hindlegs in a white smock and white trilby hatfurs is giving thems hard eyeballs over at the Pims punch table.
“oh,shite” Stonks smoothly turns slapping handpaw into waving handpaw “Armitage,thebleedin’judge,init” and starts wobbling fast towards the tent flaps “let’sgetouttaherePoppet”.
“notsofast,younglady” Armitage wobbles to block the way.
Pff! Good one, Stonks
“ha,finedisplayofcaninecontrol” Armitage scritchy slurs down his long snout, alcohol yellow-snifz pouring off him.
Erh? Poppet slips an involuntary squirtz of shock.
“cc-cancelled?” Stonks gasps.
“aye,cancelled,andreplacedwith…doggyintelligence”
“dd-doggy?”
Intelligence! Wotz that?
“so,goodluckwiththat,ha,ha,ha” Armitage gurgles on his Pims.
Poppet’s turn to be half-dragged outside the beer tent, front paws bouncing off the grass.
“thatsillyold– ” Stonks scritches under her breath.
Slow down yu ch-choking me again
“doggyintelligence!”
Ahhgaakaa…
Stonks stops, Poppet wheezing. A strong handpaw grips Poppet under the jaw and thrusts her snout level with Stonks’ own miniature hooter “listentome,Poppet” she threatens ‘yougonnawinthis…or,it’stheChinesetakeway”
Chnntkkssswy?
“beautyain’tenough” she continues “needbrains,too”
Needs wot?
“EDICATION,girl!”
?…
Poppet don’t have a hope in hell. Stonks ain’t joking about the Chinese take-away, neither. They nosh fourlegs, thems pagans.
All Poppet wants right this moment is to trot away for good. Preferably sniffing behind some handsome stud muffin!
If only she squats and squirtz on the grass.
▪
Brekkers over and Drizzle is still hungry. The clouds are working themselves up to give it a good green-sniffing rainlicking with thems endless whooshing scratchy noises. Seems lyk there’s never a time when rainlick ain’t making Drizzle wet.
Ah, leave off he accuses the clouds noshing first, yer buggas
And that leaves the next big question: wotz on the noshing menu?
Sitting on his haunches outside the High Street HSBC he weighs his noshing options on one front paw. Toe one: trot back down the High Street and hit Greggs.
Nah, been there, noshed that
Toe two: turn left into Huntsville Road and hit Chuckles chippy.
Fish? Nah, need nosh with legs
Toe three: wander down Nelson Ave and hit KFC. Chicken strips. Chicken wings. Or chicken anything really, in thems bins ‘round back.
Sounds lyk a plan
He quickly follows his snout, rainlick dripping from earflaps.
As it happens, KFC is close to Herdwick pooping park. Gob loads of sniffy colours are wafting out the park. Overriding thems blue-purply hindlegs portaloos is the chop-slobbery orange-snifz of nosh. Lots of nosh.
Worth a butcher’s hook he quickens his pace.
His snout don’t lie. Plenty’s going on in Herdwick pooping park. It points him through the front gate into a wonderful world of meaty-leg colours.
Right noshfest, this!
But nosh is not always enough. Eyeballing thems two Jack Russell brothers playing with some hindlegs pups invades his good humour. He recalls the colourful memories of his own hindlegs pups – lyk a sharp, confusing snifz in both snout holes.
Ah… memory snifz, only.
Shakes earflaps. Shakes off the fugue.
In the heres and nows, what he really needs is a right tasty noshing followed by a bit of sporty eightleggers. He stops and poops on the grass. Yes indeedy! Contemplating a sporting mood is actually putting him into a hot-bloodied sporting mood.
Get ready juicy butts, I’m a’coming he licks his whiskers and shakes his way into the park.
▪
”Going,goingtoChicago”
Sorry but I can’t take yuz…
Snifz of fresh fourlegs poop whacks Sparky up the snout. A foreign snifz he don’t recognise. Some fourlegs in Westley Piddle he ain’t bumped snoutz with! Worrisome. He starts tingling all over.
“goingdown,goingdownnow” KevLegs scritches before noticing Sparky, trembly all over “wot’s upmate?” squatting down, snout to snout “Sparkymate?youalright?”
KevLegs suddenly points with one handpaw “StarWarsdisplay,let’sgocheckitout”
There’s a stranger in the camp! Sparky raises muzzle and barks snifz yuz…Snifz yuz?
“maybe,I’llmeetPrincessLeia,haha”
Sparky looks up with big eyeballs, twitching his snout at an awful sniffy loneliness suddenly rising off KevLegs. He hopes KevLegs can snifz up his own female. Guaranteed to make packmommy happy. And a happy packmommy means plenty of happy food treats dropping under the table. Happily, guaranteed, forever!
The star Wars exhibition is crap, corss. Local toy store displaying some naff spin-off cac, not even original 70s trilogy stuff.
“complete,shite!” KevLegs dismisses it and wobbles away.
“pissoffthen,HarrisonFord” the hindlegs vendor scritches after him “gostickyerlightsaberup– ”
Shut it, yer sniffy git! Sparky tugs at his lead and growls, still tingling from that worrisome stranger and in no mood for additional ag.
“harrisonforddon’tusealightsaber,yerknob” KevLegs shakes his head, disbelievingly.
Some hindlegs got no culture Sparky agrees.
Trotting on.
Snifz yuz, Poppet
Snifz yuz, Sparky they bump snoutz.
Sparky stares at her with eyeballs of pure worship. All silver braids, sharp snout and glittery eyeballs. The fittest shield maiden in West Pid, no argument.
Getta load of that nosh she pants.
Yu in that dog intellectuals show, then? he asks, tingling more than ever.
Cors. All dog, all intellectuals, that’s me shaking her pretty earflaps.
Well…all dog, anyways Sparky wags his tail in a big smile.
Yor so funny Sparky, I just wish..
..I was bigger, stronger, furrier, and not a whippet?
Well, yeah
“that’sanEDS1275,init?” Stonks scritches in amazement, staring at KevLegs belly
“wot?” KevLegs mumbles, surprised that a female hindlegs has actually noticed his existence, ‘part from his mom.
“coolT-shirt”
Wotz she scritching about? Sparky looks up, equally surprised.
Forget it sighs Poppet she’ll eyeball any hindlegs with tackle
Urh? Poppet lifts her snout higher and snifz harder hmm!
KevLegs can’t stop eyeballing his own belly. The first hindlegs female that’s ever talked to him without a shop counter in between.
Try not to fart, Kev
“Oh,youmeanthe…?” he starts to reply, recognition dawning, but she’s walking away, already history.
“comeonSparkymate,I’mhungry” he sullenly scritches.
That’s the spirit, mate! hauling KevLegs towards the nosh stalls kicking off with tandoori kebabs this end and noshing ‘it all the way down to Cornish pasties that end. Ripe plan?
Kev lets off a whooooosh of breaking news in agreement.
I knew it, and didn’t I say I knew it beforenows…and didn’t I say, beforenows, I told yuz so?
Mister Park is sitting before his shiny stainless-steel drinking bowl – ‘cept it ain’t so shiny no more. Puke-coloured scratch furs are everywhere. He eyeballs the hard evidence, eyeballs Profit&Loss and eyeballs Sherbet, wot sitting on the stairs, head deliberately turned away.
The bowl is whipped away, washed in the sink, and replaced brimming with cold clean water. Mister Park immediately slurps fast before any other nasty surprises.
“notsofast,Jindywindy” Loss scolds him “you’llmakeamess”
Me?slurp slurp slurpMess?
Sherbet swivels its head and observes him between the bannisters. Waiting.
Today is International Dog Day. If you love muttwits, why not do the following:
– Go for a long walk in a new place. Most dogs love exploring new and interesting places with their best friend. … – Bake a dog friendly treat. … – Donate to your local animal shelter. … – Tell your muttwit you love them.
And… if you haven’t got a muttwit then maybe it’s time to think about it seriously. Ain’t nothing better Love from all the muttwits in Westley Piddle! Go and Visit Them.
Love from all the muttwits in Westley Piddle! 
