Book 2. Bananas. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

“Ican’tsee,Ican’tsee” scritches Squeezy.  Two muttwits, all earflaps and furry bodies, obscuring the High Street, handlebars, all else “Ican’tcontrol–“

Paddles is in a state of shock snifz yu–

Don’t move! barks Bananas 

..Kama, Karma, Karmaaa…

Wot yu doing? Squeezy’s gotta squeeze the handlebars Paddles can’t eyeball anything neither, the little Pug being all wrapped ‘round his large snout.

“arhhhh!” Squeezy scritches, trying to move her handpaw from the control but stuck under the weight of both fourlegs.

Don’t move Bananas yaps into Paddle’s thick earflap until…

The mowta whizzes down the High Street, completely out of control, flashing past Tuffy and GitOrrf! in a blur of sniffy fourlegs, whinny skinny roundlegs and Kama, Karmaaa…

Woaa, is that Paddles hanging off the front? wonders GitOrrf!

Nah, mate Tuffy corrects, bit of a sausage hanging from chops just a cool Bananas, init!

At a speed never intended for the mowta, all control is lost, thanks to thems pink and yellow fluffy lumps preventing Squeezy from doing wot she needs to do with handpaws on handlebars.  The entrance to Herdwick pooping park rushing up to meet thems.

Jump! yelps Bananas.

Wot?

Jump, yer fluffy muttwit and both fourlegs bail out, leaving Squeezy with a perfect view of the pooping park gates sweeping by either side. Loss of weight – coz Paddles is a right heavy four – causes the mowta to yaw this way and that, throwing the accordion high into the air.  It crashes down in a squeezy, wheezy whine onto the grass, right beside Nutz.

Erh, snifz yu he barks at the wheezing thing.

Outside Costa, wotz actually nicely placed inside Herdwick pooping park, Squeezy almost manages to get the mowta under control before it gently crunches into a table and umbrella.  The umbrella tips over and drapes Squeezy in bold Costa logos.

..if your colours were lyk my dreams…red, go– 

Boy George cuts out.  Squeezy struggles from under Costa logos and emerges into daylight.

“sorry,MissusLavinka” Arjom scritches, wobbling up to help her off the mowta.

“sorry,MissusLavinka” Oskar scritches, the legless, furless dumb scratch held in both handpaws.

Snifz yu barks Nutz at the accordion

Flaplegs, init adds Boltz, unfazed by an accordion flying into the park and landing on the grass right before his paws.

Yeah, yor right Nutz gives it one final snifz and I think it’s a gonna, d’yu know wot I’m sayin‘, bruv?  

Usual same old, same old. 

Lavinka gets Paddles ready for his guest appearance to the paying masses in the big city.  She combs his fur over and over until static makes it stand on end in a blob of electric fuzz. She ties a Union Jack bandana ‘round his big head and completes the look with the gold-tinted aviators.

‘cept that, instead of the same old neon pink fuzz, Paddles is now cream coloured.  Natural Chow Chow cream coloured.

“thereweare,mypatriotic,puffy-liondoggy” she takes his big furry snout between both handpaws and plonks a kiss on the tip of his black snout, all TLC.

Trouble is, Paddles don’t appreciate all the fuss.  Coz all night long, Squeezy’s been washing all that pink out of him in the bath.  He snifz of two-in-one shampoo and conditioner.

He wants to snifz his brekkers – but can’t.

Brekkers ain’t brekkers if yu don’t snifz it proper

That’s not gonna happen for a few days yet, not til his natural oils restore him to the handsome Chow Chow lyk wot he normally is.

And off they whine, on the mowta, towards West Pid. town center.

Dessert loving in your eyes all the waaay

They reach the corner of the Vape Shop at the top of the High Street.

“sitstillandbehave,thistime” Squeezy slowly whines the mowta down the pavement.

Me, behave. Me?

“fourmilesperhour” Squeezy scritches and don’t dare go one MPH faster.

Two streetlegs regulars watch thems trundle past.

Sharp as a pin, wot yuz are barks Tuffy to Paddles as he crawls by.

How can a fluffy four be sharp as a pin, One Ear? quizzes GitOrrf! between chomps of Greggs best brekkers bacon butty.

Tuffy, also known by the intimates as One Ear, sighs at his streetlegs mate don’t yu know nothink?

Sure, I know nothink GitOrrf! replies, a bit affronted by such snouty behaviour before a proper brekkers knows everything there is to know about nothink, init? not wanting to appear without intellectuals in front of Tuffy nothink I don’t knows about nothink!

The two streetlegs eyeballs the mowta whine down the High Street and slowly turn into Short Cut.

Let’s go ask Paddles sez Tuffy and see if he knows anything about nothink and off they trot.  GitOrrf! carrying a sausage roll wot Paddles was promised – whenever. 

Bananas ain’t getting any peanut butter today – or any other day, judging by all the scritching going on. She takes shelter under the kitchen table.

“could’vehurtsomeone,withthatstunt” packmom scritches at her hindlegs pups, slamming brekkers on the table. 

No noise from the pups.

“newrules” packmom continues “one,Bananasstayonthelead,atalltimes”

Pups remain noiseless.

Hold on a tic

“two,Bananasdon’tgonearotheranimals”

Pups still noiseless.

Wot the – hold on a tic

“andonlyLiisawalksBananas” packmom continues, relentless.

Now hold on– ah, hmmm, that’ll work

 “don’twannawalkthedog” scritches Liisa, stomping her footpaw right beside the Pug’s earflap 

Nah, corss yu do

“don’tevenlikedogs” scritches Liisa, stamping her footpaw again.

Yah, corss yu do

“that’stherules,orthedoggoes”

Lol!

Outside, on Drakefield Road as it happens, Liisa wobbles along with her brothers and it takes no more than one short squirtz before [rule # one] Bananas is off the lead. 

Oi, cool Bananas!

Snifz yu, Giblets 

And [rule # two] Bananas is near other animals – wot that saucy muttwit Giblets is, anyways.

Squeezy squiiiz, squeezy, squiiiz the accordion stretches this way and that.  Paddles sits on his tartan blanket, wearing his Union Jack bib and gold-tinted specs.  

To me – not at me! he barks at pedestrians throwing little metal bits – wotz being thrown more than normal.

Snifz yu, Paddles yaps Bananas, standing in front of him, her doughnut-curled tail wagging cheerily.

Yeah, right he grunts back, refusing to eyeball her. 

Yor not pink, anymore Bananas snifz at him yor normal, nows

Squeezy squiiiz, squeezy, squiiiz

Yeah, thanks for that Bananas – or should I bark ‘cool’ Bananas – wot fourlegs are calling yuz for saving the mowta, wot don’t need saving

Sure thing, anytime

Right! And thanks for getting rid of the pink furs, wot don’t need unpinking

Corss, at yor service

Yeah, and biggest thanks is reserved for ‘thems’ Paddles stands up and sticks his big, natural-coloured fluffy butt into Bananas flat snout THEMS! giving it the aggressive wot don’t need glittering!

From beneath his natural cream coloured coat emerge a small yet solid pair of furry plum bobs – all lovingly spray-painted in red, white and blue glitter. 

Yeah thems. Thanks a bundle Paddles barks cheerlessly. Another metal bit is thrown at him, bouncing off his butt and landing on the tartan blanket.

“bringinginthemoneeey” Squeezy sing-song scritches, squeezing her accordion.

Nice Bananas yaps, mesmerized.

Squeezy squiiiz, squeezy, squiiiz 

Head over to the Usual Muttwits now

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