Book 2 Bananas

CHAPTER 2

Coz Bananas is so well behaved – and wouldn’t say boo to a flaplegs as the old saying goes – she’s not always attached to the lead. Perhaps, on the other paw, coz Oskar’s so well behaved he don’t need to be on his lead? 

Wotever! 

Yor’all very well behaved today she barks happily at Oskar and his siblings. The older brother and sister always go on walkies with Oskar coz packmom don’t let any of thems go on walkies alone.

No lead means Bananas can do wot she wants – which is not a lot coz Pugs are boisterous but not necessarily adventurous.  Mostly, she trots along in front of Oskar snouting her familiar way towards Herdwick pooping park, squirting on familiar markers, checking out potential noshing opportunities, and occasionally bumping snoutz with her fourlegs mates.

Snifz yu, Missy Biscuits yaps Bananas happy to see her bigger sister the red-merle Australian Shepherd.

Snifz yu, too, beautiful replies Missy Biscuits equally pleased to bump snoutz with Bananas, the only female fourlegs in West Pid wot don’t act the jealous stonk.

A short bit of rough and tumble in the park, followed by a very small poop – Arjom dutifully bagging it in that specially scented plastic glove packmom provides him; and then it’s off to the High Street. The older pups have got a shopping list of errands to run for packmom.  Bananas lyks these errands coz she gets to stay outside in the street with Oskar and play while the older pups disappear inside the shops.  But she can always snifz thems wherever they disappear to.

“watchBananas” they scritch at Oskar, wobbling off.

Don’t fret about Oskar, I got him well under control she yaps back.

Today, the older pups go wobbling into the Organic shop on the corner of Short Cut.  Bananas ain’t sure wot organic is but it sure don’t involve nosh coz they never bring back anything sniffy. 

Wot a waste of good noshing time considers Bananas. 

She turns her attention elsewhere for some fun and a bit of chin-wag.  

Who better than Paddles sitting upon his tartan blanket halfway along Short Cut and blazing away in a big fuzzy blob of neon pink.  Funny thing is the bright hot ball in the sky now shines on Squeezy squeezing her accordion and lighting up Paddles in an eyeball-watering corona.  It ain’t the pink color wot Bananas eyeballs – coz fourlegs don’t catch many colours, ‘cept blues and greys – but Paddles fuzzy shape reminds her of thems strange things Oskar lyks to stick on the end of little twigs; wot he calls pencils.

Hey Paddles, snifz yu she trots forward, Oskar pulled close behind.

Don’t interrupt Paddles grunts sharply performing to the pedestrians, init

Bananas snifz about the blanket, attracted to the small metal bits, discovering a lot about individual hindlegs and wot they’ve eaten and how healthy they are from the greasy touch of thems handpaws.

And don’t touch ‘ems, coz Squeezy’s gonna take thems home and nosh ‘ems

Nosh ‘ems?

Sure! shocked that Bananas could even ask such a muttwit question.

Squeezy stops squeezing the accordion for a break   “woooooph-huuuuuuh” she immediately tokes on her e-cig.

Thank dog that noise is over sighs Paddles now I gotta wait permission to take a squirtz

That makes no sense to Bananas.  Any normal fourlegs can squirtz whenever it wants to.

“whyisyourdogpink?” Oskar scritches at Squeezy.

Normally Squeezy won’t scritch anything back about dogs and colours but coz Oskar is just a pup she allows a rare exception “coz,apinkdogattractsmorepeople–andmorepeoplegivemoremoney,makesense?”

Wot? asks Bananas, coz she understands Oskar but don’t understand wot most other hindlegs scritch – the same for most fourlegs, as it happens.

Pink.  I’m pink for more money

Money?

Corss. From thems pedestrians.

The fact that both hindlegs have got no clue wot they’re barking about is irrelevant.  But wotz a bit more relevant is glittery plum bobs. In that great mind between his short, thick and furry earflaps Paddles recalls Squeezy’s promise to spray his plumbs with glitter.  Yes. That’s totally butt-lickin’ relevant. Coz he don’t want the glitter. 

Uh-uh!

And he tells Bananas all abouts it.

Paddle’s plum bobs are of no great interest to Bananas – but glitter is.  Thank dog no one scritches about promising to glitter her plum bobs. The fact that she don’t have any ain’t the here or over there.

Hindlegs think they can do wot they lyk she grumbles, trotting off with Oskar to join his siblings for the long wobble home.

▪

Ya, snifz yu, Bananas Gunther stops squirting on growling roundlegs and trots over to bump snoutz.

Hello, Gunther, snifz yu followed by a token sniffing of mutual rear ends.

Westley Piddle is looking up sez Gunther fräuleinmate and me are making spritzen on one BMW 450i roundlegs, one Mercedes C220 roundlegs, diesel corss, one Porsche 9–

That’s many ones comments Bananas

Ya Gunther pants happily.

“prettychildren” scritches fräuleinmate at the three hindlegs pups “allfromUkraine?”

“Estonia,actually” scritches Arjom politely.

Wotz outside Westley Piddle adds Bananas, catching the sound of ‘Estonia’.  She does some heavy thinking of any other places she knows between her short black earflaps.

And she then recalls glittery plum bobs – and Paddles – and the disaster of glittery plum bobs on Paddles – one stuck to the other. 

Gunther, wot do yu know about glittery plum bobs?

German brand? he barks immediately.

Not sure

Not German, not worth a spritzen

..yu come and go, yu come and go…Karma, Karma, ka…

As it happens, Paddles and Squeezy pass by on the mowta making all sorts of strange scritchy Boy George sounds. Off for a squirting break and a bit of nosh.

Gunther raises his snout and sniffs disdainfully at the mobility scooter.

Wot is the world coming to he grunts, dismissively.

And, all of a sudden, Bananas earflaps start flapping in great agitation. She’s thinking.  Something most fourlegs won’t, don’t, can’t do much of.

Gunther, wotz that growling roundlegs? pointing her flat snout – wot ain’t so easy to do – at the mowta.

Not German – and not growling.  Just a whiny, skinny roundlegs he replies getting bored and wanting to trot on and spritzen on a Jaguar F-Pace he’s sniffing, wotz illegally parked at the end of Short Cut.  

Sure, but wot.is.it.?

Gunther who knows everything there is to know and wotz cleverer than most fourlegs – with his straight back, tail up and all tip-top, best of breed, lyk – delivers his lecture.

Ya, das ist a mobility scooter he begins in a patricianly manner TGA Breeze, mark 4 – if I am not mistaken – wot runs on two standard 12 volt, deep cycle, lead acid batteries, zat produces 24 volts… 

“thatdoglikesbarking” scritches Oskar

“ya,German” scritches fräuleinmate, and the hindlegs pack watch in amusement as the two fourlegs yap at each other.

..running a class 3 mobility scooter with a maximum trotting speed of eight miles per h– 

Eight wot?

Don’t matter continues Gunther now into his element with ze turning radius of one hundred and seventy four centi–

Brother interrupts Bananas,

all big black eyeballs staring up at the curly grey Standard Schnauzer I just wanna bump snoutz with that mowta and start some big submitting!

Ya, so? Gunther’s earflaps prick up in astonishment yu appear a bit small to do any big submitting, meine schwester

I’m female her flat snout brooking no further argument.

And, without no further argument, Gunther barks at her wot she’s got to do.