Please Rip It Out.

© willowdot21

Okay I hope that no one will mind if I open up again. No doubt some of you will run for the hills thinking me bad and ugly or mad. Well that’s how I feel.

Yet I trust you guys and I need to get this out because it’s frightening me.

Now, I have not been well for months well actually it’s been about 18 months maybe longer who knows. I have felt myself slowing up, loosing weight being tired . I was beginning to get stressed. I was afraid to eat because it always ended up with me having indigestion or being sick or both. Then in June I had pain I have never had to cope with before. Yes, worse than childbirth, broken back or even sepsis.

Anyway to avoid going through it all again, what happened next was me in and out of hospital, wearing a Cholesystectomy drain and bag for three months and now I am another month into waiting for an operation. The symptoms are returning and I am scared the excruciating pain will return.

Whats worse I feel guilty because it’s not cancer or anything fatal, it a huge stone blocking my gall bladder. Though apartently in June it was so poisonous they said it was “Too dangerous to operate” .

I feel ill yes, not unwell, not poorly, actually ill. I can’t tell family, there’s been so much happening in the strange Covid times. That hubby has enough to cope with. Though he has been wonderful.

Still there is one more thing that I am finding even more difficult. It’s not the internal itching, described as bad blood or any of the other symptoms it’s what I keep seeing in my head. I can’t get away from it.

The picture below is how I now see my insides. My organs, my viens and arteries every inch of me feels dark and dirty and I want to get hold of the muck and pull it out.

Pixabay Please

I can’t escape it, eyes open or shut it’s there screaming at me. Also things in everyday life are getting to me. Gravel on the path, looks like my insides, rip it out! Stones in mud, acorns and leaves, tuffs of grass or weeds that’s what my insides look like … please rip it out!

Photo by Jock Ocularic on Pexels.com
Photo by Zura Narimanishvili on Pexels.com

So there it is I have actually told you. Does anyone else know what I am talking about. Am I going mad. I do hope you don’t think I am mad does anyone else feel this feelings? Thank you for listening.

84 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Alethea Kehas
    Oct 01, 2020 @ 12:56:51

    Oh Willow, what you are going through does not sound pleasant. I’m sorry to hear it. Perhaps it is your mind’s way of dealing with this thing inside of you that doesn’t belong there. Emotions are usually deeply woven into the body’s diseases. When I was suffering from severe IBS symptoms I would wake in the night with my intestines feeling like they were the pits of hell and I had very unpleasant visions to go along with them. I eventually came to realize that my body was reacting to all the unprocessed emotions I had stored since childhood. I wonder if you have thought about seeing a shamanic healer that may be able to help you get to the root of this? In addition to your medical care? Just a thought. Sending my love ❤

    Reply

  2. jwebster2
    Oct 01, 2020 @ 12:57:02

    Hi Willow
    Both my daughter and I have had our gall bladders removed. I didn’t have the excruciating pain that she had but ended up in hospital on morphine with pancreatitis when a stone moved and blocked the tube so bile went into my pancreas!
    My daughter says the pain is worse than a broken back.
    So trust me, you have our entire sympathy and we know just how you’re feeling. Hope things get better soon

    Reply

  3. lssattitudeofgratitude
    Oct 01, 2020 @ 13:38:22

    I am so sorry you have been dealing with this for so long. I have seen my pain as an enemy before, dark and evil. It sounds like your mind is getting you ready to fight the foe. I hope you get your surgery soon so you move toward health. Sending virtual hugs.

    Reply

  4. rugby843
    Oct 01, 2020 @ 13:44:11

    I do not think you’re mad, but angry yes and you have reason to be!  I think this waiting thing is ridiculous.  The staying with a drain for months?  Also weird.  I’m glad you have support and do share with them..  .family is needed now.  Wouldn’t you do the same?  Talk about it, share your feelings.  I know that’s hard to do, thinking you’ll worry them, but you need to.  It helps.  And I would bug the doctors til they act. 🤗
    Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android

    Reply

  5. Frank Hubeny
    Oct 01, 2020 @ 14:12:11

    Best wishes for the recovery of your health. You are in my prayers.

    Reply

  6. pensitivity101
    Oct 01, 2020 @ 14:50:36

    I don’t think you’re mad either, having watched the pain and suffering Hubby has been going through with his reflux issues these past few months. We were even looking into going private to get something done, and on our budget, that would have been pushing it, but we would have coped.
    It is not right that they are keeping you hanging around in pain, discomfort and anxiety like this.
    There is a silver lining in that it is not cancer, but that is pretty dull compared to everything else going on. Thoughts, hugs, and whatever positivity you need are being sent your way. Hang in there Willow, and keep pushing your GP. ❤ ❤ ❤

    Reply

    • willowdot21
      Oct 01, 2020 @ 15:01:51

      Thank you , you have enough on your plate without me adding to it. It just this awful visions are getting to me. My sensible me say stop it but it persists. Your right I shall keep letting the medics know I am waiting. We have paid medical insurance for years and are trying that line too. But it’s not moving very fast either because of Covid. Thank you Di for taking the time to answer me when you have so much to cope with already. So I wait on both lists 💜 take care all three of you 💜💜💜💜

      Reply

      • pensitivity101
        Oct 01, 2020 @ 15:34:46

        I always have time for my friends Willow, and you are considered as such. When the waiting drags on, the mind goes into overdrive and our imagination takes over. I guess that’s why I called my cancers Humphrey and Dick…….. names that I disliked and was soon to discard.
        As an aside, Hubby kept having nightmares about Maggie and I being attacked by giant rats and it didn’t matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t shoot them fast enough. I told him the solution was simple…….. teach me to shoot …….. and the dreams stopped. I tell you, no comfort bottle top was safe from dead eye Di!
        Keep your chin up. ❤

      • willowdot21
        Oct 01, 2020 @ 15:43:02

        Thank you Di you always manage to lift my spirits . I also regard you as a close friend 💜💜💜💜

      • pensitivity101
        Oct 01, 2020 @ 18:21:36

        Glad I raised a smile Willow. 🙂

      • willowdot21
        Oct 01, 2020 @ 18:40:48

        You did 💜

      • pensitivity101
        Oct 01, 2020 @ 18:41:36

        yay!

  7. Ritu
    Oct 01, 2020 @ 14:56:01

    Oh Sis, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way! Wish I could do something xx

    Reply

  8. Michael
    Oct 01, 2020 @ 15:48:40

    So sorry to hear of your plight willow best wishes from me down under. Hopefully the op will improve things for you. And no I don’t think you are mad, pain can do weird things to us.

    Reply

  9. Kat Myrman
    Oct 01, 2020 @ 16:23:47

    Oh Willow. So sorry you have to go through this. 2020 needs to end! Sending {{{hugs}}} ❤

    Reply

  10. besonian
    Oct 01, 2020 @ 16:26:28

    Hello Willow. No – you’re not mad. Your mind’s in overdrive and running away with you a bit. But you, Willow, are not your mind. Try and see that. You are clear and free of the ugliness your mind is conjuring up. Where that ugliness originates is another matter – but wherever it comes from, it’s not you. I hope you soon find some easing of this. I have a good idea what you’re going through.

    Reply

    • willowdot21
      Oct 01, 2020 @ 14:51:01

      Thank you so much for taking the time to answer me and for being supportive and wise. I was reading your blog post earlier and I want to say welcome back. What an awful experience for you and W. I am so pleased people were so kind to you both. I am also glad that you have both managed so well with such a nasty accident in Covid19 times. Again welcome back and thank you for sparing time to support me 💜

      Reply

  11. Savoring Sixty and Beyond
    Oct 01, 2020 @ 16:53:35

    I am very sorry you are suffering so much my dear Willow…just heartbreaking. I am very glad you were able to express yourself in writing as I think that can help when you share it and put it out there. I hope you continue if this helps you in anyway. Wish there was something I could do to help. Please keep us posted and in the meantime I will pray you receive inner peace and a end to your discomfort much sooner than you expect. Big hugs….

    Reply

  12. marina kanavaki
    Oct 01, 2020 @ 16:56:02

    Oh, my dear Willow… I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Though I haven’t had the same problem, I know what it feels like to anticipate pain… It’s obviously easy for someone outside to offer advice but if you could 1. try imagining your inside as flowers, soft and vibrant, with every breath you take and 2. Keep your mind focused on how at the present moment you are pain free. As I said, easy for me to say but -if you can- try shifting your attention and focus more on things like as you say, it’s curable. Sending you hugs and best wishes. 🤗

    Reply

  13. coldhandboyack
    Oct 01, 2020 @ 17:20:03

    I’ve been through this and the pain is debilitating. Hoping you find resolution and fast. Mine was surgery, but it was 100% what I needed.

    Reply

    • willowdot21
      Oct 01, 2020 @ 15:41:03

      Thank you so much, I need surgery too, four months ago they said it was too dangerous because the gall bladder was so infected, so I was in hospital for six days on IV antibiotics, they fitted a cholosectomy drain and left it there for three months and now I am waiting for the op they promised would be done asap…they lied. It’s the nasty visions getting me down . I appreciate you listening to me 💜

      Reply

  14. bettylouise31
    Oct 01, 2020 @ 17:36:16

    Just know your pain is bad and it may go away for a while but come. I have been through with pain and I know the feeling I now start thinking of nursery rhymes and that helps me. Have a pain free hor or minutes.

    Reply

  15. Priscilla Bettis
    Oct 01, 2020 @ 18:49:45

    Nah, you’re not going nuts. You’ve really conveyed a vivid description of your insides, of how they feel they look to you, ugh, you poor thing. Hang in there, and I’m saying a prayer for you!

    Reply

  16. Jen Goldie
    Oct 01, 2020 @ 18:55:39

    Willow I hope the pain stops soon and who won’t think they’re going mad these days. When I start feeling that way I hum long tones. It seems to clear my mind, But then, you know I’m madder that a HATTER anyways.💜xoxo

    Reply

  17. Widdershins
    Oct 01, 2020 @ 19:13:52

    Gall-stones are hell … you’re not mad, you mind is finding ways to process what you’re going through … hopefully your surgery will resolve both the pain and the imagery.

    Reply

  18. Chel Owens
    Oct 01, 2020 @ 21:08:35

    I’m so sorry! Yes, I totally relate to your feelings. I really hope it gets resolved soon.

    Reply

  19. Colline
    Oct 01, 2020 @ 21:59:19

    You should not feel bad about the way you are feeling. I hope you are soon able to find out what is causing it all.

    Reply

  20. TanGental
    Oct 02, 2020 @ 06:53:09

    Goodness no you’re not mad, you’re entirely normal. What to offer though beyond some distance support and love. Take care, and Hug-a-Hub.

    Reply

    • willowdot21
      Oct 02, 2020 @ 06:58:41

      Thank you Geoff, the Hug – Hub really helps. I am beginning to think madness is catching up with me but everyone seems to understand so I shall just carry on and try not to internalise these stones, mud and acorns. Thank you again 💜

      Reply

  21. judeitakali
    Oct 02, 2020 @ 07:37:59

    Hi Willow, this is so distressing to hear you are in such pain, no one deserves to go through that kind of suffering.
    Your poetry is beautiful and I know that in your mind, there is beauty that can fight against these visions.
    If you can talk to someone, discreet, regularly, I’d recommend you do, it will unburden you so much

    Reply

  22. Shweta Suresh
    Oct 02, 2020 @ 08:31:52

    Oh Willow, I’m sorry to know that you are going through so much. My mother had the same issue too. One day, she woke up in the middle of the night writhing in pain. We rushed her to the emergency and they admitted her and kept her under observation. She was in so much pain, it was the middle of the night and we were so scared. We had never seen her in such a state before. Just like you, she was told that the gall bladder was infected and that they couldn’t operate it straightaway. So we had to wait till the inflammation went down and then she had a keyhole surgery. And she’s been okay ever since. She still can’t have food that’s too oily. But she says it’s a small price to pay. She had so many health conditions that were a side-effect of her gall bladder stones. We never realised it until after the surgery. Hang in there, Willow. I hope that they’re able to schedule your surgery soon. Lots of love and prayers

    Reply

  23. socialbridge
    Oct 02, 2020 @ 08:40:42

    Severe pain is enough to drive anyone to distraction but distraction and madness are not the same thing at all.
    I hope that by writing about it all here that you will, at least, see the huge amount of empathy out here for you.
    You’ve been through an awful lot in your time and come through. Be kind to yourself and here’s hoping the medics will get you sorted as quickly as possible. xx

    Reply

  24. Hugh W. Roberts
    Oct 02, 2020 @ 13:06:31

    No, not mad, Willow. Although I’m very sorry you’re feeling so unwell, you’ve done the right thing by writing it all down. As I have often learned, bottling things up is not a good idea, so you’ve already taken a big step by sharing how you feel.
    Please take good care of yourself and know that you have many friends here who care and are always here for you.
    Sending you some virtual hugs…….they should be arriving as soon as you read this.
    Take care.

    Reply

    • willowdot21
      Oct 02, 2020 @ 13:13:18

      Thank you Hugh the hugs have arrived and are wonderful. Your right writing it down does help , I just need to stop seeing all the muck, stones and stalagmites excetra which my sense tells me have not invaded my body 💜

      Reply

      • Hugh W. Roberts
        Oct 02, 2020 @ 13:19:10

        Something I do that always helps me at times like this is to watch some comedy, Willow. My three favourites are Dinnerladies, The Golden Girls, and Hi-Di-Hi. Whenever I watch any of them, I forget about everything, and it makes me feel a lot better. Holding my partner’s hand also helps and, although he’s not a romantic, he knows that’s my way of telling him he’s helping.
        xxxx

      • willowdot21
        Oct 02, 2020 @ 13:26:01

        I love Dinner ladies too, and my hubby is very is very caring but he has a lot to cope with right now. …I am trying Hugh really I am 💜

      • Hugh W. Roberts
        Oct 02, 2020 @ 13:36:50

        I know you are, Willow. Just take good care of yourself.
        xx

      • willowdot21
        Oct 02, 2020 @ 14:08:05

        Thank you Hugh 💜

  25. Betty Hayes Albright
    Oct 09, 2020 @ 02:24:52

    Willow, I’m really sorry to hear you’re still suffering so much. Any news yet on when you can have the surgery? It doesn’t seem fair — all you’ve been through.
    Sending you gentle hugs and love. 💗💕💗💕💓

    Reply

    • willowdot21
      Oct 09, 2020 @ 06:07:12

      Thank you Betty, there is no sign of my op coming up on the NHS this year so we are looking privately. No idea with that either . For now I am on the NHS and private lists. I hope to see a surgeon on 16th October, as long as there are no new travel or lockdown restrictions. 💜💜

      Reply

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