Okay I hope that no one will mind if I open up again. No doubt some of you will run for the hills thinking me bad and ugly or mad. Well that’s how I feel.
Yet I trust you guys and I need to get this out because it’s frightening me.
Now, I have not been well for months well actually it’s been about 18 months maybe longer who knows. I have felt myself slowing up, loosing weight being tired . I was beginning to get stressed. I was afraid to eat because it always ended up with me having indigestion or being sick or both. Then in June I had pain I have never had to cope with before. Yes, worse than childbirth, broken back or even sepsis.
Anyway to avoid going through it all again, what happened next was me in and out of hospital, wearing a Cholesystectomy drain and bag for three months and now I am another month into waiting for an operation. The symptoms are returning and I am scared the excruciating pain will return.
Whats worse I feel guilty because it’s not cancer or anything fatal, it a huge stone blocking my gall bladder. Though apartently in June it was so poisonous they said it was “Too dangerous to operate” .
I feel ill yes, not unwell, not poorly, actually ill. I can’t tell family, there’s been so much happening in the strange Covid times. That hubby has enough to cope with. Though he has been wonderful.
Still there is one more thing that I am finding even more difficult. It’s not the internal itching, described as bad blood or any of the other symptoms it’s what I keep seeing in my head. I can’t get away from it.
The picture below is how I now see my insides. My organs, my viens and arteries every inch of me feels dark and dirty and I want to get hold of the muck and pull it out.
I can’t escape it, eyes open or shut it’s there screaming at me. Also things in everyday life are getting to me. Gravel on the path, looks like my insides, rip it out! Stones in mud, acorns and leaves, tuffs of grass or weeds that’s what my insides look like … please rip it out!
So there it is I have actually told you. Does anyone else know what I am talking about. Am I going mad. I do hope you don’t think I am mad does anyone else feel this feelings? Thank you for listening.