I just Needed to share.

I try not to mention how I am feeling too often because … well I suppose that is how I was brought up. If asked how you are , you lie through your teeth. Even if you are on your last legs you smile and say “I am fine thank you.”

Yes I did include you all in the last stages of my withdrawal from neuropathic and morphine based painkillers ( the prescription ones that most doctors hand out like sweets to keep you quiet) I am now prescription painkillers free and for that matter over the counter pills free too.

I was an addict and withdrawal is very hard and painful but it can be achieved. There is a problem though and I do try to keep it to myself but here I am spilling it all out on to the page for you all to see. Not very stiff upper-lip you might say.

PAIN,that is the problem. Constant nagging and stubborn pain. It hounds me all day, it pokes me to remind me it there all night while I sleep and it notches up a level when I least need or expect it.

Those of you you who suffer with constant pain will know what I am talking about people like Claire Saul and her Blog PainPals she will know what I am talking about and her blog is most interesting do visit her. Also is Caz’s blog at Invisibly Me well worth a visit too.

Life is a trade off isn’t it I could live a half life like a Zombie drugged up to the eye balls lulled in to a false sense that the pain is numbed. ( It isn’t really eventually they do not work at all and you realise you are taking them just because you NEED them to feel normal) Or I can have my brain working to full capacity and find ways to cope with the constant pain.

I made the choice I gave up the pills and I cannot really ever take any of them again because I am an addict. I am afraid to even take over the counter painkillers encase I wind up hooked on them. Most days I cope but on days like today , I feel like shit. I am exhausted, in pain , shorted tempered, freezing and tearful. I am finding so hard to even write this blog but I will …I hope that someone out there might just need to know they are not alone.

Where am I going with this, I don’t really know but I just needed to get my feelings out there. I have been trying to get my poems into some sort of order because I would dearly love to get a book published this year, I even have a working title ‘ A Blogsworth of Poems ‘ I am plodding away at that but I have so little time as because the stupid pain slows me down everything takes so much longer.

Enough now no more moaning lets look at some positives. I had a great weekend, Saturday we visited a local brewery with friends and we could take Ruby too as it has a dog friendly bar called the Taproom. No we didn’t do a tour we had a fabulous BBQ lunch and tried out their interesting original beers. I also found a beautiful bluebell wood to take Ruby for a walk in. Sunday we were out with our youngest son and his two boys the eldest of who was 5 years old last Wednesday.

We had a pub lunch and we took M’s birthday presents and the Easter eggs for both boys along with us. It was delightful to have our eldest grandson announce That his birthday present was “Just what I wanted ” The joy of see the grandchildren really helped with the pain… maybe the fact that we had so much fun at the weekend is one of the reason I feel so tired ( you might say) … but the pain and tiredness are constant

I do lots of walking daily ( the advantage of having a dog! ) and Pilates twice a week and I am so much better than I was this time last year and a thousand times better than I was three years ago.

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I am fine , hopefully tomorrow I shall be even better I have a lot to look forward  to. Next week is  Easter. The week after  I am going on a course  ( The Lord of  the Deep ) with the  Silent  Eye which I really looking  forward  too. I am also hoping  we  will see  more  of  the grandchildren. Then  June  brings  The  Bloggers Bash!

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Life is  what  we make it  and  nothing  can last  forever… I hope ❤

Now  lets  have a happy  song . Love  you  all

 

57 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Alethea Kehas
    Apr 15, 2019 @ 12:27:01

    It cannot have been easy to write this post. Much love to you, Willow ❤

    Reply

  2. trentpmcd
    Apr 15, 2019 @ 12:37:37

    Much respect for kicking the pain killers. i’m sorry if it leaves with pain, though. I hope better days than today are to come 🙂

    Reply

    • willowdot21
      Apr 15, 2019 @ 12:41:52

      There are good days and bad days and dreadful days . Thank you Trent for your kind words I am on my way up and I will win… I just needed to talk today ….it took me three hours to write that post… You guys always help and support me I hope I am doing the same for you . ❤

      Reply

  3. Sue Vincent
    Apr 15, 2019 @ 12:48:27

    A very courageous post to write, Willow. Many people deal with pain daily and it is an invisible chain, weighing them down that others may neither seen nor understand. Just because ‘you look fine’ doesn’t mean that you feel that way! It is a difficult balancing act too. If you say nothing, people will never understand… if you say too much, it is dismissed as ‘moaning’. And yes, we’re British and not supposed to say anything at all 😉 Good for you, Willow, for writing this post and for being able to end it on such a positive note. xx

    Reply

    • willowdot21
      Apr 15, 2019 @ 12:53:03

      Thank you Sue I want to be positive and I want to beat this but occasionally as with today I just can’t. So I decided to be positive in another way and try and do some good with the bad. I do have a lot to be thankful for even if if it hides from me sometimes. Thank you for your continued support . ❤ ❤

      Reply

    • Jordy
      Apr 15, 2019 @ 13:35:04

      Oh dear Willow, thank you for sharing. That was me last year! I herniated a disc in my lower back and the pain was excruciating. And I too got hooked on pain killers and the withdrawal is awful just awful! Argh, please Lord I pray to never have to go through that again. But why I will not be with you this year for Lord of the Deep. The nerves in my leg are still very painful and the Dr said it can take up to a year to heal if it ever does but Pilates and stretching is helping. I am with you in heart and plan to be there next year!! With love and hugs, Jordy xxx

      Reply

      • willowdot21
        Apr 15, 2019 @ 13:40:24

        Thank you dear Jordy for you kind thoughts. I am so sorry to hear you have been suffering too there is nothing worse than nerve pain. I have a lot in my back and right side.I pray both of us can escape it. We must stay positive. I am sorry to hear that you cannot make the the Lord of the deep. I shall look out for your spirit and hope you will be better very soon ❤ ❤

      • Jordy
        Apr 15, 2019 @ 13:43:18

        Thank you, Willow! I am glad you shared, will send healing energy. I think the Pilates is the most effective and I guess time will tell. I am with you in spirit and will do several check ins over the weekend. Healing prayers on their way!!💗💗

      • willowdot21
        Apr 15, 2019 @ 13:47:41

        Thank you Jordy and I shall be sending out prayers for you too. Pilates has helped me no end 😉

  4. Ritu
    Apr 15, 2019 @ 12:48:42

    Oh sis. I’m here, feeling fir you.
    But you are doing amazingly well ❤️💜

    Reply

  5. Jane Dougherty
    Apr 15, 2019 @ 13:04:58

    I’m sorry the pain is so constant, but you did the right thing getting off the morphine. They shouldn’t dole it out the way they do. Having things to look forward to must be a help. Keep focused on the next big outing, and keep writing. You’ll only get better, the pain will only get less, and everything will look rosier 🙂 Chin up, you’re British, aren’t you?

    Reply

  6. robertawrites235681907
    Apr 15, 2019 @ 16:53:57

    I am sorry to hear of your on-going constant pain, Willow. It doesn’t surprise me as I know you have massive back problems. I have damage to the vertebrae in my neck and that causes me a lot of pain too. Yours must be much worse so I sympathize hugely. I am sure you use heat pads, I find those help me and also my hand held massager sometimes helps a bit.

    Reply

    • willowdot21
      Apr 15, 2019 @ 16:59:54

      Thank you Robbie, no one’s pain is worse than anyone elses. Pain is a strange thing, relative to the individual. I am sorry to hear you neck gives you such pain. I agree that the heat pads are a great help. Tomorrow is another day Robbie and we will survive 💜💜💜

      Reply

  7. Betty Hayes Albright
    Apr 15, 2019 @ 16:56:34

    Willow, sending you a gentle hug. As you know I can relate to the chronic pain and fatigue, so you have my empathy. You continue to inspire, and I admire you so much – especially for being able to be so creative with your poetry in spite of the pain. It’s good to write about it and share, as you’re helping others. We feel less alone when we know others are in the same situation.
    Thank you for posting this! Much love to you ❤️💞💕💗❤️🌷🌺🌹🌻

    Reply

    • willowdot21
      Apr 15, 2019 @ 17:16:29

      Thank you so much Betty, I am grateful for your words and I know you know what I am going through. I felt so low when I started the post but setting out how I am feeling really has helped. The support I receive from you and so many others on WP. Is like a life saver. I will improve, we all improve . We just need to help and support eachother 💜💜💜💜💜

      Reply

  8. pensitivity101
    Apr 15, 2019 @ 17:23:06

    Hubby is in constant pain, just varying degrees. Night time is probably the worst, when everything is relaxing, unwinding and unswelling. He has painkillers, but doesn’t like to take them unless it is absolutely necessary as at one stage he was popping them like smarites and hallucinating. I have my fair share in my hands and my back, and don’t take anything until it’s unbearable. I sympathise Willow, and understand perfectly why you don’t want to gt back on the pill train.

    Reply

  9. rugby843
    Apr 15, 2019 @ 21:31:39

    I could have written those first paragraphs. I was on Fentanyl for back pain after two failed surgeries in ’99. I finally was forced off, best thing that happened to me because laws changed and local docs couldn’t prescribe it. That was 2013. I finally had the nerves go out altogether and in a wheelchair now, BUT not the pain I had for years before and after surgeries. I’d rather not walk than have that pain back. I wish success for you. Good luck. Constant pain fools around with your mind just as the drugs that help relieve it do.

    Reply

    • willowdot21
      Apr 16, 2019 @ 07:44:38

      You are so right with that last sentence. I am sorry that you are in a wheelchair now it’s a high price for no pain. It’s not fair is it. You have been through the mill. I have had three back op they don’t want to touch it now. But as they kept saying you could end up in a wheelchair I obeyed them. I wish you every success too. All we can do is move forward and support eachother. Today is another day be well and happy.💜

      Reply

  10. JT Twissel
    Apr 15, 2019 @ 23:50:52

    Sometimes a balance in life requires some pain. I just hope it eases…. grandkids definitely help.

    Reply

  11. Miriam Hurdle
    Apr 16, 2019 @ 05:55:13

    Pain is a terrible thing, Willow. I have had back pain as long as I can remember. I remember saying to myself, I could do more had I not have the back pain. Well, apparently other condition is greater than the back pain and makes the back pain smaller.

    Staying off the additive drugs is not easy and you did it. The fact that you could stop it is amazing. Wishing you the best to cope with the pain.

    Just want to let you know that I took your suggestion to cut down the Lorazopam to 1/4 and did that for a while. Then 10 days ago, I completely cut it off. I only slept for a few hours for 3 nights but I didn’t give in. Now I can sleep longer, but still not a whole night. I won’t give in. I’ll stick with it and not to take it again. I have been taking it for more than 10 years and so glad I finally got rid of it.

    Take care of yourself and wish you more fun coming up. ❤

    Reply

  12. cordeliasmom2012
    Apr 16, 2019 @ 15:45:03

    Kudos to you for getting off the meds. While I don’t personally suffer from pain (other than colitis pain, which is handle-able), I have relatives whose chronic illnesses cause a great deal of pain. They also look fine and try to suffer in silence. Just take it day by day and do your best. That’s really all you can do, right? Hugs, friend.

    Reply

  13. Stephanie Fountain
    Apr 22, 2019 @ 19:49:02

    It was so lovely to see you Saturday I really did not know how much pain you suffer . You are an amazing lady and it’s lovely yo know you . Love your bloggs x
    Sent from my iPhone

    Reply

    • willowdot21
      Apr 22, 2019 @ 20:19:14

      Hi Stephanie thank you so much . I try not to say too much to people I know as it can get boring for them. It is easier to write it out on here. I am very lucky that people are so supportive. I am really glad to know you too and yes Saturday was a lovely afternoon. You know you are a very brave lady too you have a lot to carry too and you do it so well too. Take care , no doubt I will see you again soon.💜

      Reply

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