Ifs and buts.
Don’t you find it funny that sometimes when we read our Blogily friends posts that a theme is there screaming at you. Well today is one of those days and the themes are ‘second chances’, ‘why we are who we are.’ and ‘choices’
I shall be the first to admit I have made some catastrophic life decisions in my time. I have made some good ones too, so why is it today I feel trapped and lost? Maybe it is this weird bug I have making me feel low or it could be the fact that I am cutting out the last of my neuropathic pain killers. This has been a three year struggle. I had got down to one in the morning and one at night equalling 600mgs a day which was no mean feat as I was taking 2400 mgs to start with and that was for six years. Anyway I am try to get rid of them completely and so started reducing the dose again am down to 400mgs a day and when I feel a little more myself I shall drop to 300mgs and so on, fingers crossed. It has not been easy.
Ah! I digress, Sue Vincent spoke of how things we learn , consciously and unconsciously in our childhood make us who we are. I recognize a lot of what she says, do read her blog Cold Comfort it makes a lot of sense, Sue is a lovely Lady. I was the youngest of a large family born late after an eight year gap to my next brother and fourteen years between me and my eldest sister. I spent a lot of time alone almost a only child and I bullied at school.
Then there was Ritu’s Spidey yes they got me thinking about how whatever life throws at you , you have the choice to make it good or bad. How life can be changed in a second but then there is always tomorrow. We must make the most of every second because we do not know when time will run out. Read Ritu’s post here at Spidey’s Serene Sunday. Right now I don’t feel like living for the moment but I know I should.
Also another blog that spoke to me and very much touched on how I feel right now was Michael at Morpethroad, read his #SoCs post Doors . Michael writes some brilliant post but this one!
There are many times in our lives where we could have changed things I look back and think if only I had stood up and said something. I should of done this that or the other BUT if only doesn’t mean diddly squat the fact is I didn’t, for what ever reason I didn’t.
Is the dye cast, I don’t know. I hope not. There are some family issues that are giving me much grief but when ever I intervene things get worse. Anyway that is not a subject I would burden you guys with.
So what do I say now, where do I take this post. I think I should stop now and go for the safe ‘least said soonest mended ‘ safety net. I hope this has not been a ‘poor me fest’ I did not mean it to be.
Please read the posts I have linked they are so thought provking. If you have any advice, kicks up the bum or just want to share how you feel or have felt I shall be interested to hear what you have to say.
Feb 25, 2018 @ 12:33:18
Bless you sis 💜 always here for you xxx
Feb 25, 2018 @ 12:34:02
I know that and thank you 💜💜
Feb 25, 2018 @ 12:36:26
💜💜🙏🏽
Feb 25, 2018 @ 12:36:38
🌹🌹
Feb 25, 2018 @ 12:45:17
You’re on the right track by being real with your feelings. Sending warm thoughts your way – take care of yourself.
Feb 25, 2018 @ 12:46:52
Thank you and may I send you the same wishes too. I hang on to the saying ‘Nothing lasts forever’💜
Feb 25, 2018 @ 15:50:30
Life is that, isn’t it? Dips and waves, up and down, side to side…
…. it is also what makes it most interesting!
Feb 25, 2018 @ 15:53:46
Yes so very true 💜
Feb 25, 2018 @ 16:11:49
Life is full of difficulties, Willow, that is why we have to try and grab the good times and make the most of them. I also wrote about choices this weekend – it must have been “in the water”. I hope you feel more uplifted during the coming week.
Feb 25, 2018 @ 16:28:42
I am sure I will Robbie, I just need to find a coping mechanism. Sending smiles 😀😀😀
Feb 25, 2018 @ 17:10:09
Thank ou for your kind words, Willow. I hope you are feeling better today…and able to stay warm. Freezing here!
The thing with living in the moment is that every moment is brand, spanking new…and we can start again in any or every one of them xx
Feb 25, 2018 @ 16:27:13
You are right Sue, I just need to start coping again. I feel lost but hey, we have another second coming up and of course tomorrow. All will be well, and all will be well. 💜💜 Keep warm, you and Ani 💜🌹
Feb 25, 2018 @ 16:28:43
One step at a time, Willow ❤ ( and Ani is keeping my toes warm 😉 )
Feb 25, 2018 @ 16:39:11
Good little Ani, Ruby sends a big lick. Yes I know one step at a time. 💜☘️
Feb 25, 2018 @ 17:02:03
Hugs x
Feb 25, 2018 @ 17:15:46
Finding this worth examining, to dig a bit below my surface though I admit with trepidation….Not all childhood are good. Think I’ll buckle up for this one.
On another note, after a tremendous accident, I had a 3 year recovery. I was saturated in pain meds as well as 2 antidepressants. I sustained certain permanent damage. Eventually I had to embrace what would be my new normal with pain. Once I did and removed the meds one by one, as they left my system, expecting difficulty and pain, discovered less pain, more energy, high spirits. Best decision I’d ever made for me. Good luck and chin up!
Feb 25, 2018 @ 16:36:33
Thanks you for telling me that, I am getting there with pain meds, just need to be patient. I am learning my new pain levels, like you I have embraced my pain and limitations. I shall keep your words with me. I also agree about childhood it can be a painful place. Thank you. 💜💜💜
Feb 25, 2018 @ 17:50:29
💗 know you have unfamiliar friends cheering you on your journey
Feb 25, 2018 @ 17:20:38
Thank you so much and so have you too 💜
Feb 25, 2018 @ 19:30:06
There are times when I want to find whoever is scripting my life and tell them the series is cancelled unless they find a better looking leading man. Never actually works of course and really the fault lies with the commissioning editors, but then it’s easy to blame the parents, isn’t it? The truth of course is I shouldn’t have taken the part if I didn’t want the mix of euphoria, adulation, grief and constantly horrifying script rewrites just when I think I’ve sussed the plot. Hey-ho, here’s to cheesecake and loose leaf tea…
Feb 25, 2018 @ 19:35:17
As usual sir you have hit the nail on the on the head! The damn commissioning editors have shuffled off the mortal coil and so are no longer answerable! The script is like a a sifi horror but let keep up the fight
Feb 25, 2018 @ 19:37:19
Even got the send button too early!! Enough said , deep breath count to ten and press on! Not long till May I keep telling myself! 💜
Feb 25, 2018 @ 20:34:44
Great post willow and thanks for the mention. I think the past is there to teach us lessons and to remind us of how vulnerable we can be. We can’t change the past no matter we wish we could, but rather I’ve discovered its best to accept what happened to us and understand its what has shaped us in being who we are. I have a lot to be grateful for, my children still like me and call me, I have a place to live and nowadays airconditioning.
Feb 25, 2018 @ 21:51:06
Your Children like you and you have air-conditioning. Enough said! Seriously though a lot of what you say makes sense. Be well and happy 🌹
Feb 25, 2018 @ 21:53:26
Thanks willow and I hope you can get off your meds without feeling you are going crazy…
Feb 25, 2018 @ 21:54:10
I am getting there, tomorrow is another day 💜
Feb 25, 2018 @ 20:36:14
I was just talking with hubby today about mindfulness. How I don’t feel like I’ve been very mindful in a long time, but I realized this week that I no longer regret the past. Yes there are many choices I could have made differently, but really, I can’t change it, the moment has passed, it’s time to forgive myself and others and move on.
Not that I don’t still get those feelings, but they are much less now and much more manageable.
I also realized I’m not freaking out about the future any more. When I got sick I was so afraid it would get worse, and worse…. and in some ways it did. I lost my hearing. How could I not be worried about the future when everything suddenly changed so much. But after many many times of stopping myself and saying….just stay here. Tomorrow is not written, it will come and I will deal with it then. One moment at a time. I was surprised today to realize, I’m not so scared of the future any more. It will come, and my worries about it will not help.
I still have a very hard time with confrontation. In many ways I’d like to mend things with some family members, but I’m not sure even trying will bring that about. I recently found out that one thing I felt so guilty for, for so many years was completely forgotten by the person I thought I’d wronged. I realized then that our perception of the past is not always clear, and sometimes we just need to move on. There is another family member whom I have a very strained relationship with and I realize now that if I tried to resolve it, things would just get more complicated. Sometimes you just have to move on. It was just surprising to me to understand these things.
The biggest thing I’ve learned from mindfulness is to be gentle with myself. So, I got caught up in my head about the past for a bit…maybe I started to fret about the future…instead of getting upset with myself and saying I really shouldn’t have done that, I now take a deep breath and tell myself I’m a good person. I’m doing the best I can. So, today I wasn’t as mindful, but the next moment is a different moment.
I also take solace in the fact that everything changes. Yes it could change for the worse, but that will change too…nothing stays the same, not really…so when I’m stuck, or having a really hard time, I know it will change….and I can handle anything for a moment.
I hope you feel better about things.
You showed me such kindness when I was going through a hard time, I hope you know you can turn to me if you ever need to talk.
~ wendy
Feb 25, 2018 @ 20:05:38
I am so glad that you are improving, it wonderful that you can discuss this with your husband. Well done you for realising the past is the past and gone. It has taken me years to work that one out. I am at a low ebb right now but I shall no doubt survive, we all survive. I am so grateful for your offer of an ear out a shoulder I will keep that in mind. I felt I was feeling so low this morning but everyone has been so supportive. Sending love and thanks 💜💜
Feb 25, 2018 @ 20:14:04
Always here for you.
I’ve been through some very low times, having support can make all the difference. 💜💜
Feb 25, 2018 @ 20:19:05
Thank you Wendy I really appreciate that, I really do 💜
Feb 25, 2018 @ 21:53:45
Willow, I can relate to a lot of things you said. It must be part of the human condition, so you aren’t alone.
Also, I empathize with you on the medication tapering. Have been through that – took a long time of cutting back gradually, but succeeded. I know you will too.
Hugs! 💞💞
Feb 26, 2018 @ 06:55:17
Thanks Betty, the sensible part of me knows I am not alone but as you know we do sometimes feel we are. The medication is a long trek I know but I am getting there. Thanks for your support. 💜💜💜💜
Feb 26, 2018 @ 22:34:50
I know what you mean. Thinking of you! ❤️💕💓
Feb 27, 2018 @ 06:38:22
💜💜💜