I have a guilty secret I have written about it here   I think it is called   Dermatillomania .


The  more I try to stop the habit the  more it seems to plague  me.

I scratch my  back and  my shoulders until  they bleed

The more I scar myself  the more I have to hide so no one will see.

I just do not know why I have to do this, what ever is the need.


I am going on holiday soon  I shall be in the sun

But I shall have to cover up  to hide what I have done.

My husband does not like this,  he does not understand

Why I make such a mess of myself, my back, my arms and now the fingers of my hand.


Why do I do this, why can’t I handle life

Sometimes it looks like I have attacked myself  with a knife.

The more I tell myself to stop  the more I seem to do it

My husband tells me I must stop,  as if  there is nothing to it.



I am not as bad as the picture  but I do now have many scars. Unfortunately I have several new scabs on my  back and  shoulders. I really  do not understand why I do this I am not a teenager  or even a young  person. I feel so ashamed  that I do this  when I am a mature woman with children and grandchildren.




40 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. ksbeth
    Aug 30, 2014 @ 19:59:39

    hugs to you –


  2. Paul
    Aug 30, 2014 @ 20:33:45

    Whew, it takes a lot of strength and desire to change to post this. You say you “think”it is Dermatillomania. Have you had it checked out? There are a lot of chemical reasons why you could be doing that. I have a similar problem with my arms, but it is a result of a phosphate imbalance caused by dialysis. Sometimes we get everything balanced and it goes away, other times it is very prevalant. They are scheduling a prarthyroid operation to further control the phospahte issue. “The major function of the parathyroid glands is to maintain the body’s calcium and phosphate levels within a very narrow range, so that the nervous and muscular systems can function properly. The parathyroid glands do this by secreting parathyroid hormone.[7]:” And then, speaking of a high phosphate level : “When the crystals build up in the skin, they can cause severe itching.”

    So, it may not be a psychological issue but rather a physiological issue. Either way wouldn’t it be better to know? And again either way, a hug is in order. **Hug**


    • willowdot21
      Aug 30, 2014 @ 20:38:15

      Thank you Paul, you are so thoughtful. I shall be seeing my GP about this and I shall check out all the information you have presented for me to chew on! As for the hug. Thank you so much it is just what I needed! xx


  3. TanGental
    Aug 30, 2014 @ 20:56:59

    Don’t beat yourself up, Willow. I suspect most of us have some embarrassing habit that we think we should have left well behind in our youth but haven’t, or it reappears to defeat us. Posting about it may help or may not but be assured you are not alone. I chew the skin around my nails, leaving red welts at times – not nice. There are times when I have an overwhelming urge to pick my nose and fight it oh so hard. And one that embarrassed me for years -still does a bit – but I just accept it now – there is no way I can pee standing next to anyone in a urinal. The urge dries up totally, whether it’s a compete stranger or not. So sheepishly I queue for a cubicle. My son knows, maybe other friends guess but now I just get on with it. It can bug me and I know it is psychological but can I do anything about it? Nope. Nothing like as challenging as yours I expect, but the more public the problem the greater the embarrassment. Not sure if this little confessional helps or just makes you think ‘eeew, gross’. My point is, you’re not alone and well done for trying to fight it.


    • willowdot21
      Aug 30, 2014 @ 21:09:36

      The words eeew and gross are as far from my lips is a decent glass of wine right now. I am truly grateful for your huge heartedness in sharing with me. I do understand that I am not alone and that we all have strange and secret habits and foibles just right now it is not making me feel any better. What is helping though is that you and Paul earlier were ready to reach out and touch me … guilty habits ( on my part or not) Thank you .xxx


  4. The Blue Madame
    Aug 30, 2014 @ 23:35:27

    I didn’t know you were going through so much 😥 I wish I had the right words to help heal your pain. Even though we are far in distance you are close in heart.


  5. globalunison
    Aug 31, 2014 @ 03:30:30

    Cyber-hug to you Willow! It’s not that I am sympathising with you, you are a strong woman and you know when to end what business! Keep safe and have. A great weekend 🙂



  6. Lisa
    Aug 31, 2014 @ 13:19:56

    You aren’t alone in that. In light of your courage I’m going to say that I’m pretty sure that I have some sort of personality disorder. Probably paranoid, borderline or obsessive compulsive from my symptoms. I’m going to a psychiatrist after everything I’ve learned over the past two years. My mother is an untreated full blown psychopath with no sense of humor or empathy and I have seen what not being treated does to someone. I care about other people’s feelings so I know I’m not a psycho/sociopath. I don’t enjoy being the center of attention so I know I’m not a narcissistic. My dad beat me up my whole life so everything fits to some sort of personality disorder. Point is, I pick holes in my arms…. This world is so difficult. Hugs, Willow. I just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone. ♡♡♡


    • willowdot21
      Aug 31, 2014 @ 14:40:49

      Thank you Lisa for being so honest. I think on reflection we all have hang ups. guilty secrets problems what ever we want to call them . The important thing is we recognise this fact and we are ready to face up to these problems and kick them in the arse. I also can tell that you are not psycho/sociopathic you have shown me that in many ways by caring also you are not narcissistic you are too good and open with your feelings.
      We have made step one we have admitted that we have problems…. now we can sort them! Thank you for reaching out We are Not alone!! xxxxxxxxxxx


  7. Bernice
    Aug 31, 2014 @ 13:41:03

    I think we all go through periods in our life when we do things because of the pain or emotions we are going through. Some scars show and other scars are internalized. Feel better soon Willow!


  8. Helen Espinosa
    Aug 31, 2014 @ 16:08:46

    *hugs* Willow. I’m so sorry you are going through so much. I hope you can find peace and understanding. ❤️


  9. Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister
    Aug 31, 2014 @ 17:04:06

    I envy your bravery, Willow. If I could, I would wish your pain away. Love you. xoxo


  10. Gray Dawster
    Sep 01, 2014 @ 07:34:39

    Don’t worry too much it could be caused with stress, this holiday that you are taking will do you the world of good, hopefully your habit will diminish, and even better, go away…

    Have a lovely Monday Willowdot 🙂

    Andro xxxx


    • willowdot21
      Sep 01, 2014 @ 13:22:43

      Thank you my very good friend it is all to do with strain. I have suffered or endured this habit since a child in varying degrees. I am very grateful that you have taken the time to send me this words. I do hope you are well and happy. xxx


      • Gray Dawster
        Sep 05, 2014 @ 10:20:32

        I am fine my sweet friend,
        and will be back posting at
        my Space soon 🙂

        Enjoy your Friday and weekend 🙂

        Andro xxx

      • willowdot21
        Sep 05, 2014 @ 18:50:12

        I am so good to find you are well and I look forward so much to you posting again! Have a great weekend! 😀

  11. kate58
    Sep 01, 2014 @ 15:57:45

    If I were there, I would kiss every wound you’ve made. ❤


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