Hello everyone , note I am not bothering with the Italics because I shall lapse, at some point , back into normal New Roman so lets start as I mean to continue.
Sorry I am still finding it hard to write and apart from that lurking dog in the corner there I do not know why. There are a thousand feelings and fears screaming to get out of my head but they are trapped, trapped and locked in! I am ploughing through your posts and comments trying at least to keep up and keep abreast of the buzz in the hopes that my block and darkness will lift,
I am annoyed with myself because there is so much good in my life right now that I should be grateful for and busting with joy . Sadly the fact is I am not and with my poetry not even willing to help me I feel bereft. I am trying not to be on the laptop in my husbands pressence right now as he seems to think it is sapping my sanity… the truth is totally the reverse! But hey ho what do I know.
I am looking out of the kitchen window it is 7.50am and the sun is out and it it looks like it might be a dry and warm day, a rare thing at the moment. It is 1st of June and even last night we had to have the heating on! Later this morning we are going over to visit the Newbie and his mum and dad as their third wedding annaversary is this comming week. We have bought them crystal glass as tradition demands, for 3rd anniversary. I found some beautiful champagne saucers which have tiny Swarovski crystal elements used in the pattern looking for all the world like tiny diamond stars in orbit!. Well I love them and they came in a lovely black box how could I resist. My husband the much more practical one brought our son a 1050Watt all sing all dancing impact power drill…. very romantic not … but all the same very useful and I am sure it will be well used!!
Well that was about 30hrs ago and still I am finding it so hard to write, it hurts not to write, not to express myself. I do not even feel like answering my emails and usually I love to keep in touch with my friends.
Bare with me I will be be back, after all I have Little Mae and all her friends hanging on for me to rescue them! I think the Kate Bush singing Running up that hill, expresses the feeling of treading water and being bogged down in saddness. I think there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Female, wife, full time mother and Grandmother. I am not as happy go lucky as I used to be but I am still bubbling along on simmer! I have three handsome sons all grown and flown.The youngest married with a beautiful wife and two sons of his own. Eleven years ago I was working, running a home, driving and socializing then bang in a split second all that was gone. I had an accident at home. I broke my back, not for the first time, I had broken it 10 years previously as well. Unfortunately this time I had broken it really badly and it was truly messed up so I had to have two operations. I was told before each operation that the outcome could mean I spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. Still as some guy once wrote "I am still standing " yes "better than I ever was " not quite but with the help of a walking stick and as long as I do not stand or sit in one position for too long, I am still standing! Update I no longer use the walking stick . I had lots of friends before the accident but when things like this happen, you loose most of them. Their lives move on and mine stood still and so they left me behind ...I know that is just the way life is but it hurt and always will. Then I looked around and saw those who were still there for me, these friends are the roses in my garden they need to be tended well. They are the diamonds in the dust, I will of been married 50yrs plus this year . Pain and boredom are my enemies now, I have to find different ways to approach life, use my pain befriend it almost...yer right , well that is what they tell me at the pain clinic ROFLMAO ...... if only I could! I have found an outlet for my fears, frustrations and night terrors . I have started writing poetry if that name can be applied to my writing. I hope I do not come over as a moaning winger. I hope I am past all that. I also hope that you might see how the poetry is moving from very dark through the grey and
hopefully in to light ??
I need to update this a little here. I have worked very hard over the years since my accident, I go to the gym regularly, I have a Pilates class and a core class once a week . The guys at the gym and my Pilates teacher cajoled, teased, bullied and encouraged me to abandon my walking stick! :) My back is no longer straight it is C shaped because of the injury and I have lost two and a half inches in height but my Pilates and Core teachers have helped me to stand up as straight and as strongly as possible. Pain and depression are still hanging on my arm but I have weapons to use against them and if I say so myself I cope well.
I have made lots of new friends, real diamonds. I am also very grateful for all the support and help I have encountered here on Wordpress. Hugs and welcome to everyone who visits.
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40 thoughts on “Stuck , running in the mud.”
Hang in there, Willow. And write if you want to write! It’s the best way to hang on to sanity, in my experience anyway.
I don’t like what you’re going through, but I “liked” the post because, sadly, I feel less alone to know that these feelings I’m having aren’t something that is so odd after all. I haven’t posted on my blog in over two weeks. I have gotten my work done–I’m a responsible girl, I always get my work done.–but I can’t find the motivation or the joy to do anything for me. I, too, have a life that has lots of good in it, and as the hectic pace of the last few months is about to give way to a little less pressure, I had hoped that I would feel free to pursue the things that I have had to desert in the past few weeks/months. I, too, want to believe in that light at the end of the tunnel. I hope we both find it–and soon. 🙂
I think it always helps, Deborah when we realize we are not alone. Not the only ones feeling low and wretched take heart we will win through the sun will return and clam will prevail in our lives. xxxxxxxxxxxx
Maybe you should just abandon trying to respond to anyone except you! I hope time with nature will help unlock the fears and angst that seem so at odds with the sunny day. Hugs, j
I feel for you. I do. Wish I had something useful to say which would help. I do not. Look after yourself, Willow. You are number one. You are important. You will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Hope it will be soon. ❤ ❤ ❤
Thank you for the support I am sorry to winge but I shall not give in or give up. Lets hope that is the light at the end of the tunnel and not the Orient Express!! ❤ ❤ ❤
Lisa has chosen our last minute theme “HOPE”….. for Eva for Thursday, June 5, 2014. Eva is having a more than difficult time and will be sitting out “all things blog” for a while.
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willowdot21 
Hang in there, Willow. And write if you want to write! It’s the best way to hang on to sanity, in my experience anyway.
I am hanging Linda …thank you!
I don’t like what you’re going through, but I “liked” the post because, sadly, I feel less alone to know that these feelings I’m having aren’t something that is so odd after all. I haven’t posted on my blog in over two weeks. I have gotten my work done–I’m a responsible girl, I always get my work done.–but I can’t find the motivation or the joy to do anything for me. I, too, have a life that has lots of good in it, and as the hectic pace of the last few months is about to give way to a little less pressure, I had hoped that I would feel free to pursue the things that I have had to desert in the past few weeks/months. I, too, want to believe in that light at the end of the tunnel. I hope we both find it–and soon. 🙂
I think it always helps, Deborah when we realize we are not alone. Not the only ones feeling low and wretched take heart we will win through the sun will return and clam will prevail in our lives. xxxxxxxxxxxx
💖
❤ ❤
You are being thought of, Linda. Best wishes to you during this time and all times.
Russ
Thank you as always for your kind words … Russ I am not Linda lovely as that name is I am willow. xxxxx
Just seeing this post makes me smile. Willow, you inspire me. I understand the need to release emotion through writing… hugs! xxx
I am glad to be inspiring some one …sadly not myself but you my friend Audrey take all you need. xxxx
You will get there, Willow. I just know it. xxx
I guess I will too!
Sending you loving thoughts and prayers, Willow.
Peace,
Eric
Thank you Eic I am gathering all good wshes right now to use and climb out of this hole. xxx
Maybe you should just abandon trying to respond to anyone except you! I hope time with nature will help unlock the fears and angst that seem so at odds with the sunny day. Hugs, j
Thank you for your wise advise. xxxx
Just hope it helps, jx
I am sure it will. xxx
Good!
GREAT BIG HUGS, from across the pond. I don’t know what else to say so I’m sending virtual hugs for you. 🙂
Thank you so much it is appreciated!!xxxxxx
I feel for you. I do. Wish I had something useful to say which would help. I do not. Look after yourself, Willow. You are number one. You are important. You will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Hope it will be soon. ❤ ❤ ❤
Thank you for the support I am sorry to winge but I shall not give in or give up. Lets hope that is the light at the end of the tunnel and not the Orient Express!! ❤ ❤ ❤
Not the Orient Express. I’m honking on the floor. I didn’t see that coming. Oops. No pun intended. Snort. Giggle. Gasp. ❤ x 1000
you are a tonic a grin and tonic … no typo!
Thank you. I take that as a compliment and don’t mind if I do. ❤
🙂
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Maybe I should get wallpaper like that…
🙂 it would be a talking point!
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha choke
Lisa has chosen our last minute theme “HOPE”….. for Eva for Thursday, June 5, 2014. Eva is having a more than difficult time and will be sitting out “all things blog” for a while.
sending love to Eva!
All that you radiate outwards is reflected back and amplified.
Know that love surrounds you. (Just don’t let it smother you).
XXXXXXXX
Thank you Bear I shall try!
If only . . . we could slay the dragon once and then move on to life. If only . . . life were that simple.
yes if only !