Stuck , running in the mud.

Hello everyone , note I am not  bothering with the Italics  because I shall lapse,  at  some point ,  back into normal New Roman  so lets  start as I mean to continue.

Sorry I am still finding it hard to write and apart  from that lurking dog  in the corner  there I do not know why. There are a thousand  feelings  and fears screaming to get out of  my head  but they are trapped, trapped and locked in! I am ploughing  through  your posts and comments  trying at least to keep up and keep abreast of the buzz in the hopes that  my block and darkness will lift,

I am annoyed with myself  because there is so much good in my life right now that I should be grateful for and busting with joy . Sadly  the fact is I am not  and with my poetry  not even willing to help me I feel bereft. I am trying not to be on the laptop in my husbands pressence  right now as he seems to think it is sapping  my sanity… the truth is totally  the reverse!  But  hey ho  what  do I know.


I am looking out of  the kitchen window  it is 7.50am  and the sun is out and it it looks like it might  be a dry and warm day, a rare thing at  the moment. It is 1st of June  and even last night we had to have the heating on! Later  this morning  we are going over to visit  the Newbie  and his mum and dad  as  their  third wedding annaversary is  this comming week. We have  bought  them crystal glass as tradition demands, for  3rd  anniversary. I found  some beautiful  champagne  saucers which  have tiny Swarovski crystal elements used in  the pattern looking for all the world  like tiny  diamond stars in orbit!. Well I love  them  and they  came in a lovely  black  box  how  could I resist. My  husband  the much  more practical  one  brought our  son  a 1050Watt  all sing  all dancing  impact  power drill…. very  romantic  not … but  all the same  very useful  and I am sure it will be well used!!

Well that was about 30hrs ago  and still I am finding it so hard  to write, it hurts not  to write, not to express myself. I do not  even feel like answering  my  emails and usually I love  to keep in touch  with my friends.

Bare with  me I will be be back, after all I have Little Mae and all her friends  hanging on for me to rescue them!  I think  the Kate  Bush  singing  Running  up  that  hill, expresses  the feeling of  treading  water  and being bogged down in saddness. I think there is light at  the end of the tunnel.





Author: willowdot21

Female, wife, full time mother and Grandmother. I am not as happy go lucky as I used to be but I am still bubbling along on simmer! I have three handsome sons all grown and flown.The youngest married with a beautiful wife and two sons of his own. Eleven years ago I was working, running a home, driving and socializing then bang in a split second all that was gone. I had an accident at home. I broke my back, not for the first time, I had broken it 10 years previously as well. Unfortunately this time I had broken it really badly and it was truly messed up so I had to have two operations. I was told before each operation that the outcome could mean I spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. Still as some guy once wrote "I am still standing " yes "better than I ever was " not quite but with the help of a walking stick and as long as I do not stand or sit in one position for too long, I am still standing! Update I no longer use the walking stick . I had lots of friends before the accident but when things like this happen, you loose most of them. Their lives move on and mine stood still and so they left me behind ...I know that is just the way life is but it hurt and always will. Then I looked around and saw those who were still there for me, these friends are the roses in my garden they need to be tended well. They are the diamonds in the dust, I will of been married 50yrs plus this year . Pain and boredom are my enemies now, I have to find different ways to approach life, use my pain befriend it almost...yer right , well that is what they tell me at the pain clinic ROFLMAO ...... if only I could! I have found an outlet for my fears, frustrations and night terrors . I have started writing poetry if that name can be applied to my writing. I hope I do not come over as a moaning winger. I hope I am past all that. I also hope that you might see how the poetry is moving from very dark through the grey and hopefully in to light ?? I need to update this a little here. I have worked very hard over the years since my accident, I go to the gym regularly, I have a Pilates class and a core class once a week . The guys at the gym and my Pilates teacher cajoled, teased, bullied and encouraged me to abandon my walking stick! :) My back is no longer straight it is C shaped because of the injury and I have lost two and a half inches in height but my Pilates and Core teachers have helped me to stand up as straight and as strongly as possible. Pain and depression are still hanging on my arm but I have weapons to use against them and if I say so myself I cope well. I have made lots of new friends, real diamonds. I am also very grateful for all the support and help I have encountered here on Wordpress. Hugs and welcome to everyone who visits.

40 thoughts on “Stuck , running in the mud.”

  1. I don’t like what you’re going through, but I “liked” the post because, sadly, I feel less alone to know that these feelings I’m having aren’t something that is so odd after all. I haven’t posted on my blog in over two weeks. I have gotten my work done–I’m a responsible girl, I always get my work done.–but I can’t find the motivation or the joy to do anything for me. I, too, have a life that has lots of good in it, and as the hectic pace of the last few months is about to give way to a little less pressure, I had hoped that I would feel free to pursue the things that I have had to desert in the past few weeks/months. I, too, want to believe in that light at the end of the tunnel. I hope we both find it–and soon. 🙂

    1. I think it always helps, Deborah when we realize we are not alone. Not the only ones feeling low and wretched take heart we will win through the sun will return and clam will prevail in our lives. xxxxxxxxxxxx

  2. Maybe you should just abandon trying to respond to anyone except you! I hope time with nature will help unlock the fears and angst that seem so at odds with the sunny day. Hugs, j

  3. GREAT BIG HUGS, from across the pond. I don’t know what else to say so I’m sending virtual hugs for you. 🙂

  4. I feel for you. I do. Wish I had something useful to say which would help. I do not. Look after yourself, Willow. You are number one. You are important. You will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Hope it will be soon. ❤ ❤ ❤

    1. Thank you for the support I am sorry to winge but I shall not give in or give up. Lets hope that is the light at the end of the tunnel and not the Orient Express!! ❤ ❤ ❤

      1. 😮 😮 :o:o 😮 :o:o 😮 :o:o 😮 :o:o 😮 :o:o 😮 :o:o 😮 :o:o 😮 :o:o 😮 :o:o 😮 :o:o 😮 :o:o 😮 :o:o 😮 :o:o 😮 :o:o 😮 :o:o 😮 :o:o 😮 :o:o 😮 :o:o 😮 :o:o 😮 :o:o 😮 :o:o 😮 :o:o 😮 :o:o 😮 :o:o 😮 :o:o 😮 :o:o 😮 :o:o 😮 😮

      2. 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮
        ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
        😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮 😮

  5. Lisa has chosen our last minute theme “HOPE”….. for Eva for Thursday, June 5, 2014. Eva is having a more than difficult time and will be sitting out “all things blog” for a while.

      1. All that you radiate outwards is reflected back and amplified.
        Know that love surrounds you. (Just don’t let it smother you).

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