Swing From The Chandelier!

Dear all I am so sorry  for slipping off  the radar  for a few days. I believe I mentioned  the old black  dog  of depression is stalking me again.  Well as is always  the way  when he is lucking in the shadows ( and he is a ” he”  even though  he is vicious  enough  to be thought of as  a bitch ..male  dog  he is!)  

As usual I digress, wat I was saying  is as is always  the way  I get  lost in email and overwhelmed  by the amount of  posts I receive . This only  compounds my feelings of panic  and uslessness and I usually  end up writing  a whining post  like  this! Anyway here  are the facts I am swamped, drowning  and panicing, all I can is  apologise and draw a line in  the email  and hit  delete. I will as I always  do  catch up  with  all of  you  because I want to  and I do so love  all your work so please  be patient  and don’t give up on me. 

 

Now  strange  as it is I should  be bubbling over  with excitement  because to all outward appearence I have had a good weekend . Sadly  the black dog  does not give a shit.  It has been very hard  work to keep calm and have a smile on my face.  I have tried honestly  and I think I am getting away  with it  but  boy it is hard. 

Saturday  was lovely our youngest son and his wife  and their beautiful son ( a  magical 7weeks and 5days old) came to visit us  and join us  for dinner. I cannot  believe  how  proud  and blessed  and even happy  it  makes me feel  to see this little  family  starting out on their life’s journey. I have to  push all the fears that  float  to the surface in me on their behalf! Yes  that bad  boy  in the corner  even gouges at my insides  when I should  be bursting  with joy.  I digress yet again , they came and it was lovely I got lots of  cuddles  and  I was informed on the best ways to A How  to hold  a baby, B How  to get a baby off to sleep, and many other things  that I thought I knew  but obviously  have not idea about. However  did I bring  our  three  boys up?? I  have  no illusions  no doubt I was just  as ‘well informed’ and opiniated in my time as a young  mum and my husband too as  a new dad!

I was amazed and delighted  at  how much  our  little grandchild  has grown and he now has focus  in his eyes  so when he gave me a craft smile I knew it was not just wind. The feeling of cuddling a new baby  especially  if it is your first  grandchild is  beyond  compare! Even so that  black  dog  was watching  me from the corner!

 

My husband  is not very impressed  with me  he is  sick of me I think! I seem to think  completely differently  from him  and right now  most things I say  are answered with a scorn  and incredulity  that  cuts  like a knife. He is convinced  that I am loosing it  and  going slowly  into another world ..he thinks I am showing signs of dementia. He also say I spend far too much time on my laptop! I am not I just think in a completely  different way to him  and so what if I get the wrong  end of a stick  when I am feeling stressed so what  anyway! It just  feeds that dog  in the corner.

Sunday  was not so good  had his mother  round  she has never liked  me and delights in baiting  me and goading me into an arguement  I spent  her time with us biting my tongue , smiling and making lots of cups of tea! There is a lot  of hassle involved  in this  but I shall not go into it here!

 

I have just noticed  that I have slipped out of italic print  and I have not the energy  to rewrite the above  so please accept  my apologies we are staying  as we are now! … Digressing again. Well my  husband was doing a favour  for his  mother, who does not appreciate it or  him at  all, caught  a ladder on the boot of  his new car (  a car  he has wanted  all his life  and only  now  that we have no children  to ferry  around and enough money to have the odd  mad wish come true ) well of course he was upset …it all went over her head , Oh! dear  she had  commented  and then proceeded to compare  this  with spilling  nail varnish  on a new  dress many years  back!! Comments  like that  take  no heat out of a situation  like that!  Later on that evening afte  he had returned from taking her  home I went to make him a coffee. The coffee machine,  when I moved it set off  chain reaction, all the cookery books  fell like dominos  and in slow motion I watched a a huge  and heavy glass vase  fall from the worktop and smash into a thousand  pieces. My huband  flew into a torrant  of shouting   mainly  fuelled by his uncaring mother  and as usual  I got  the brunt of it! But hey he could  not of  made  me feel any worse  than I already was or am! It was just a smashing  end to a fraught and walking on eggshells day.

Today  we are off to a wedding I only  know  the bride and groom vaguely  have met  them once , my  husband  used to work  with  her  and she is a lovely  woman! The weather is dull and wet, my  husband  has woken up depress  mainly  about the way his mother never shows  any  care for him  or gratitude ( we are the only ones in the family  who take her out  have her round weekly, have her at all high  days and holidays, sort  her house out  for her  and on and on  while the ther two siblings and their families are thought more of and this is rubbed in our faces!! _ )

OMG I am digressing again …anyway I have found a great song  by Sia  called “Chanelier ” it is a wonderful  song , the subject is  very dark  it is about  teenage and early 20s/30s  binge drinking  and drug  taking . Okay I am no teenager and I have never done drugs or  been a binge drinker  but today  the lines (  and here  we will go back to italics!)  ” One  two three drink , one , two  three drink, I’m gonna swing from the the Chandelier, the Chandelier, I’m going to act like tomorrow dosen’t esist, doesn’t exist!” I just  feel it applies  to how I am feeling  and the young  girl who dances  and I do mean dances out  the words in the video  also expresses perfectly  how stressed  and trapped  and manic I feel under this calm, controlled ( laughs like a maniac) exterior.

No doubt I shall behave  like a lady!  and  yes I did notice  that I did not go  into italics   for the lyrics! Hey ho!  I am introuble again..OH!  yes I spend too long on the laptop  and that is helping to addle my brain?? I shall go and shower before I forget where the bathroom is ans while I am at I had best throw  that dog  a bone  so he might leave me for a few hours!!

Love to you all I am doing my best. Right lets hide the pain and paint on  my smile  ..anyway  here are I feeling  by Sia!

 

 

 

 

 

 

18 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Audrey Dawn - Oldest Daughter Redheaded Sister
    May 26, 2014 @ 12:16:17

    Thank you for the update. Good and bad moments…sounds like life. xxx Loved reading this, Willow.

    Reply

  2. Let's CUT the Crap!
    May 26, 2014 @ 13:37:12

    Sorry you had such an insufferable weekend.
    About catching up on posts, I believe we all suffer from it. Delete when you must. I stress over that too because it takes over my life and leaves nothing for me a lot of times. At times like that I must pick and choose. ❤ ❤ ❤
    M-i-Ls are not kind a lot of the time. Husbands get cranky because of mother. At least you had the pleasure of your grandson. Indeed, new parents think we don't know anything even though we brought them up first. 😉

    Reply

  3. bipolarmuse
    May 26, 2014 @ 15:21:50

    I understand ‘he’ that rides you. I refer to mine as the monster on my back. It becomes so heavy… such a burden to carry or fight off. It saddens me that you are struggling.. I am too. It has been very rough. You are in my thoughts. ♥

    Reply

    • willowdot21
      May 26, 2014 @ 19:45:48

      I am sorry also to hear that you are suffering too. I do hope that things improve for you you and me both very soon. The most impostant things is that we never give up or give in!!

      Reply

  4. kelihasablog
    May 27, 2014 @ 13:44:41

    So much to say…LOL…
    1- your hubby sounds like mine. ( I keep asking myself when will I learn to just shut up and sit there, not asking questions) HA! (It’s gotta be in their DNA. Mine tells me all the time I’m OCD, and even if I am a tiny bit, it’s rotten of him to try using that to flip any argument his way. (You know they have to always be right) I’m learning to just ignore him… other than I do tell him calling me names isn’t what a “Husband” is suppose to do. I ask him if he is going to be a “Husband” that day or a “Jerk”…
    2- I had “mothering” lessons from my son also… I just looked at him and said, “Who do you think held you? are you saying I dropped you on your head or you think I’m so old that I’ll drop YOUR baby???
    3- when the Black dog isn’t at your house, he’s probably just visiting me…. or maybe he has a sibling that visits me a lot.
    4-As I’m sure you’ve noticed, I’ve been slow as molasses running down hill in January with my blog and reading… Lately, I’ve been doing the whole “eye roll” thing whenever I look at my laptop knowing I’m so far behind. I lost readers, but so what. I wasn’t really writing for them anyway, and I can’t exactly rant about the 5 demons I’d love to expose, cuz with my luck they’d find it and try to use it against me.
    5- And, most importantly, we are both…. Beautiful, creative, ladies just trying to juggle not only our bowling pins, but everyone else’s as well. That in itself tends to cut out our time for any personal fun we dream of… Next life… I’m coming back as a house cat!

    Reply

    • willowdot21
      May 27, 2014 @ 19:06:39

      Thank you Keli, yes our husbands often forget the love and support even just a tad of respect would help! I do not wish that viscious dog on you and I hope he is not visiting you now! I am trying with one hand to hold him at bay while being busy with alsorts! I am truly struggling to keep it together this week but as it says in the song I keep on hoding on! As for husbands mine is so opinionated right now that I am finding it hard not to attack him with my laptop… Na! I love my laptop too much. Thank you so much for your kind words and support! Big hugs comming your way! xxxx

      Reply

  5. reocochran
    May 29, 2014 @ 21:30:32

    I hope that somehow the darkness passes. Love the good parts about grandchild and how this first one is so precious… smiling with knowledge of your special place in his world of less than two months. So wonderful, congratulations, sorry I am behind in reading these days…
    So sorry about the dark dog ‘hounding’ you and also, doubts of your husband, too. That is so scary and sad, too, when one feels not understood or loved. I am hoping and praying all will be much better, that the ways that brought you together will wind back and make the bond stronger. Love is such a tricky and fragile thing, I have not mastered it. (Bad girl that I am, 3 times married and divorced!) Hugs, Robin

    Reply

    • willowdot21
      May 30, 2014 @ 10:44:24

      Hi Robin thanks for your kind thoughts and wise words. You are right I do need to draw joy from the new babe, which I am doing as he is the light of my life. Strange isn’t it I look at my life and I should be on cloud nine but that stubbon dog keeps following me “dogging” my footprints. It makes me feel guilty then that makes things worse! A viscious circle that right now I cannot break but I am trying and I will not give up hope! As for my husband well that is another story but for now I shall try to engage brain before mouth, he is a good man and means well, he has always been a black or white man no grey no shadows his way or no way but I have always known that. I shall persist with my blog no matter what he thinks because it is my sanity. Do not put yourself down for marrying more than once it take a brave woman to stand up and say enough no more and then have the strength to move on.
      Thank you again and be well and happy .. I shall be up and running soon! xxx

      Reply

  6. sheridegrom - From the literary and legislative trenches.
    Jun 05, 2014 @ 21:44:24

    Willow – I’ve waited far too long to stop and read. I’m not the only one in the world aching and wondering what happened to life. Things can get so darn scary sometimes. Hang in there – I know, easier said than done so pretend I didn’t write that ‘ole cliche.

    Reply

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