Leave Me Alone


I see you I see your eyes

I hear the dripping poison of your lies!

You grow and grow shutting out the blue from my skies!

You growl and roar , you shout and accuse drowning out my cries!


I can’t escape  your claws

Dragging me down pointing out all my flaws.

Your words are cuttings deep wiping me out settling old scores!

Biting ripping disenbowling and and sucking me dry with your jaws!



You bastard black dog I am not your toy I am not  your bone

I am brought low enough , can’t stoop anymore. Lost in this black zone.

I have no strength left to fight anymore, so please please leave me alone.


Swing From The Chandelier!

Dear all I am so sorry  for slipping off  the radar  for a few days. I believe I mentioned  the old black  dog  of depression is stalking me again.  Well as is always  the way  when he is lucking in the shadows ( and he is a ” he”  even though  he is vicious  enough  to be thought of as  a bitch ..male  dog  he is!)  

As usual I digress, wat I was saying  is as is always  the way  I get  lost in email and overwhelmed  by the amount of  posts I receive . This only  compounds my feelings of panic  and uslessness and I usually  end up writing  a whining post  like  this! Anyway here  are the facts I am swamped, drowning  and panicing, all I can is  apologise and draw a line in  the email  and hit  delete. I will as I always  do  catch up  with  all of  you  because I want to  and I do so love  all your work so please  be patient  and don’t give up on me. 


Now  strange  as it is I should  be bubbling over  with excitement  because to all outward appearence I have had a good weekend . Sadly  the black dog  does not give a shit.  It has been very hard  work to keep calm and have a smile on my face.  I have tried honestly  and I think I am getting away  with it  but  boy it is hard. 

Saturday  was lovely our youngest son and his wife  and their beautiful son ( a  magical 7weeks and 5days old) came to visit us  and join us  for dinner. I cannot  believe  how  proud  and blessed  and even happy  it  makes me feel  to see this little  family  starting out on their life’s journey. I have to  push all the fears that  float  to the surface in me on their behalf! Yes  that bad  boy  in the corner  even gouges at my insides  when I should  be bursting  with joy.  I digress yet again , they came and it was lovely I got lots of  cuddles  and  I was informed on the best ways to A How  to hold  a baby, B How  to get a baby off to sleep, and many other things  that I thought I knew  but obviously  have not idea about. However  did I bring  our  three  boys up?? I  have  no illusions  no doubt I was just  as ‘well informed’ and opiniated in my time as a young  mum and my husband too as  a new dad!

I was amazed and delighted  at  how much  our  little grandchild  has grown and he now has focus  in his eyes  so when he gave me a craft smile I knew it was not just wind. The feeling of cuddling a new baby  especially  if it is your first  grandchild is  beyond  compare! Even so that  black  dog  was watching  me from the corner!


My husband  is not very impressed  with me  he is  sick of me I think! I seem to think  completely differently  from him  and right now  most things I say  are answered with a scorn  and incredulity  that  cuts  like a knife. He is convinced  that I am loosing it  and  going slowly  into another world ..he thinks I am showing signs of dementia. He also say I spend far too much time on my laptop! I am not I just think in a completely  different way to him  and so what if I get the wrong  end of a stick  when I am feeling stressed so what  anyway! It just  feeds that dog  in the corner.

Sunday  was not so good  had his mother  round  she has never liked  me and delights in baiting  me and goading me into an arguement  I spent  her time with us biting my tongue , smiling and making lots of cups of tea! There is a lot  of hassle involved  in this  but I shall not go into it here!


I have just noticed  that I have slipped out of italic print  and I have not the energy  to rewrite the above  so please accept  my apologies we are staying  as we are now! … Digressing again. Well my  husband was doing a favour  for his  mother, who does not appreciate it or  him at  all, caught  a ladder on the boot of  his new car (  a car  he has wanted  all his life  and only  now  that we have no children  to ferry  around and enough money to have the odd  mad wish come true ) well of course he was upset …it all went over her head , Oh! dear  she had  commented  and then proceeded to compare  this  with spilling  nail varnish  on a new  dress many years  back!! Comments  like that  take  no heat out of a situation  like that!  Later on that evening afte  he had returned from taking her  home I went to make him a coffee. The coffee machine,  when I moved it set off  chain reaction, all the cookery books  fell like dominos  and in slow motion I watched a a huge  and heavy glass vase  fall from the worktop and smash into a thousand  pieces. My huband  flew into a torrant  of shouting   mainly  fuelled by his uncaring mother  and as usual  I got  the brunt of it! But hey he could  not of  made  me feel any worse  than I already was or am! It was just a smashing  end to a fraught and walking on eggshells day.

Today  we are off to a wedding I only  know  the bride and groom vaguely  have met  them once , my  husband  used to work  with  her  and she is a lovely  woman! The weather is dull and wet, my  husband  has woken up depress  mainly  about the way his mother never shows  any  care for him  or gratitude ( we are the only ones in the family  who take her out  have her round weekly, have her at all high  days and holidays, sort  her house out  for her  and on and on  while the ther two siblings and their families are thought more of and this is rubbed in our faces!! _ )

OMG I am digressing again …anyway I have found a great song  by Sia  called “Chanelier ” it is a wonderful  song , the subject is  very dark  it is about  teenage and early 20s/30s  binge drinking  and drug  taking . Okay I am no teenager and I have never done drugs or  been a binge drinker  but today  the lines (  and here  we will go back to italics!)  ” One  two three drink , one , two  three drink, I’m gonna swing from the the Chandelier, the Chandelier, I’m going to act like tomorrow dosen’t esist, doesn’t exist!” I just  feel it applies  to how I am feeling  and the young  girl who dances  and I do mean dances out  the words in the video  also expresses perfectly  how stressed  and trapped  and manic I feel under this calm, controlled ( laughs like a maniac) exterior.

No doubt I shall behave  like a lady!  and  yes I did notice  that I did not go  into italics   for the lyrics! Hey ho!  I am introuble again..OH!  yes I spend too long on the laptop  and that is helping to addle my brain?? I shall go and shower before I forget where the bathroom is ans while I am at I had best throw  that dog  a bone  so he might leave me for a few hours!!

Love to you all I am doing my best. Right lets hide the pain and paint on  my smile  ..anyway  here are I feeling  by Sia!







Blackness Falls Again


Frightened and alone I retreat into my shell

I am afraid that the black is returning. I am descending into hell.

The zip is returning to my mouth slowly but surely closing.

The nothingness, is crawling into my soul leaving it frozen .

The silence is already here it screams above the noise

I go about my  everyday  wearing a smile not to loosing my poise.

It is easier to give into the waves of black.

Than it is to fight the demons throwing knives at  my back.

I see it moving in, closing down the horizon blurring out all hope

No escape, no appeal  the relentlessness. I hold out no hope.

The  snipes  and the jibes are ever present now

The condemnation and the shame is making my back bow.

Claws and talons scratch at me they leave their bloody marks

On my arms and on  my back . I hear it screaming in my head as at me it barks!

“Useless you are useless, lazy and stupid , good for nothing a waste of space.”

It is easier to give in now than to fight as once again I fall from grace.

Sword of Runes , The End?


“Go” said Susan, “go to your man , Leona my dear be with him it is all in the plan.”

From who knows  where Leona  found  a strength to run down to the forest to set free her man.

Holding her breath, she was afraid.

She ran to the wood  and the safe haven she had  made.


She removed  the spell and bent to kiss Byron to wake him from his sleep.

The  horses  stirred and  slowly  rose, as Byron woke she hugged him and wispered I am yours  to keep.

Where is the Evil Knight of Doom asked Byron his eyes bright with fear.

He is gone  back down to hell from whence  he came . But you  and I are here!


Byron takes Leona’s hands  and kisses  them thrice.

“Will you marry  me Leona ” He asks, the Faery  Queen smiles and says  yes that will be nice!

So off to tell Susan the news  the happy couple both run.

Back to the Tor of Glastenbury  where they find Susan embracng her Son.


Andrew  the bold  now tired and bloodied  is elated at the news

His  mother Susan  the wise  is delighted at the prospect of the wedding too!

Now Andrew  has still a lot  to learn  but  he has a willing mind

With  the guidence of his mother and his sister the Feary Queen, he lives to fight another day.

He will need all the help he can get and he will need to learn well as Evil is as Evil  does  and it never goes away!



Sword of Runes Chapter 16


And  still evil sort  not to fall and again the body reformed

Something  brought the Evil Knight of Doom back together at  the dawn.

Not to fight, not to win  but to be summons back down to hell

Back to the arms of his master, Satan  who had him kept within satanic spell.


So  the cracks appeared in the ground and all the demons where dragged

Back into the bowels of the earth they all were devoured not one lagged

Back . As Leona opened her eyes she blessed the the sun up in the blue skies

She reached up and with a smile dried the tears that ran from Susan’s eyes.



They  both rose to greet the day , cast their  eyes to Andrew standing on  the Tor

They approached the boy who was now a man, they blessed the life  they knew before.

The days when the Faery Queen and Susan the Wise  taught Andrew the Bold  the worth of earth and skies.

Back to the days  was all was colour beauty truth  and magic joy and butterflies.



Sword of Runes Chapter 15

The blows cut into the Evil Knight of Doom  but he would not die

His body kept  re hackling, bloodied and in agony his body just would not lie.

Andrew could not believe what was happening, in desparation he took a blow at the knights head

The black helmet flew off revealing an ugly skull. Andrew swung again  against this sphectre  of dread.




He manages to find his mark  and splits the Evil Knight of Doom head in two!!

A silence falls, a deadly hush  upon the demon hoards as their master falls in their view!

The stars of light from Leona’s ring encircle  and burn the rent skull.

Of a sudden the Evil Knight of Doom  grew still and the demons eyes all began to dull.


Leona fell back into Susan’s  arms, the excertion  of killing the Knight causing her to faint.

Her ring still shone  bright and it lit  the skies as the long night began to abait.

The sun rose and the skies became blue again, so bright after such a long black night .

Seven long  days and seven long nights had past since first  began this fight!.



Sword of Runes Chapter 14


Were they in time the wolves  and Susan

Could it be done, could evil  be vanquish  by  mortal man.

Susan sent  the wolves in to Andrews aid

The Evil Knight of Doom roared ” no way have you paid!”


Andrew  at last  had found his pace  and he hacked into the Evil  knights  body

Everytime  he was cut he fought back  but at last he was waining , sodden and bloody.

The wolves were merciless, they tore him limb from limb

They tore his chain mail shirt and his armour from him.


His roars of anger now had changed to screams of pain  and agony of the undead.

He could not die , even though Andrew hacked his bones  and the wolves on his guts fed!

He would not lay down he would  not die the battle between man, wolves  and evil seemed without end.

The skies were lit  by lightening and thrown asunder by thunder, a smell of hell fire and sulpher as evil blend!


While this unholy battle raged Susan ran to Leona’s side

She cradled the Faery Queens crumpled and blooded body and she cried.

In the name of all that  is good  must I loose everything

How  much more horror to my life can you bring.



Susan’s tears fell like rain they flowed from her heart they burned  her face

Onto Leona, burning  like acid, as they dried the wounds closed , by grace

By luck , by all that  is good ..who knows . Leona slowly opened here eyes

She lifted  her hand  and the light from the ring of life shot  forth with magic sparks flies.


Sword of Runes Chapter 13


So quietly the seconds passed, Leona fought to open her eyes.

She lay crumpled in a heap upon the damp grass. Silence except for her sighs.

Andrew stood with mouth agape horrified at what he saw.

The Evil Knight of Doom had attacked his Faery Queen and left her at hell’s door.

On a sudden Andrew rushed forward and smite the Evil Knight a blow.

This maddened the Evil Knight and his demon hoards below.

Too late, too late you turn young man too late you find your fire.

Forget her now, your Faery Queen. My minions will build for her a funeral pyer.

Andrew’s rage was now full thrust and his eyes were bright with tears.

He lunged and   his sword found it’s mark. He felt lead by the knowledge of years.

The demon hoards  now  rose up as of one desire


To save  their Demon Lord and to snuff out  for good young Andrew’s fire!

The scene was one of horror

Would Andrew and Leona ever see a tomorrow.

The demon hoards advanced and the Evil Knight of Doom

Wiping  the blood from his chest,smiled as he raised his sword under the moon.

Fearing all was lost Bold Andrew  swore to die with honor

He wanted his  mother to be proud, not to bring shame upon her.

The noise  was thunderous, and the ground shook, the sky above the Tor was black

 Andrew  thought Leona was  dead and he was soon to follow on that track!

Just then Susan arrived on the Tor with the  glorious wolves at her back!

Sword of Runes Chapter 12


I will not let  you have him, I would rather die!” Screamed Leona  the Faery Queen

Her  eyes flashed, she was mad  and she  swore  with venom no one had never seen.

You  shall not claim him, he is mine.  Evil laughed, “Be gone  you Faery of  the woodland

I the Evil knight of doom will slay young Andrew  soon, go you puffed up sprite  before I show my hand.


Leona let forth a scream and raised her left hand  high,

A bolt  of blinding  light shot  out into the sky.

The light , from the ring of  life, burned brighter  than the sun

I shall kill you myself you  evil knight  you shall not have Lady Susan son!


The Evil  Knight of Doom  covered his eyes and face ,he lifted up  his shield

The light was  burning his  skin, his anger was mounting . Yield Screamed Leona  yeild.

Evil turned to the  shadows  where Bold Andrew stood  his sword above his head

Fight  me now you human coward , fight  for your soul. It  shall be mine when you are dead!


“No he  will never  be yours, ” Leona cried and forced bolts of lightening toward the Knight of Doom

“Help me Susan help me” she muttered “you must awake  and help me, awake Susan rise from your swoon.”

“Andrew fight , fight , fight  this evil  with all your might !” With that  Leona sent  a spell to clear Andrews eyes

And help his arms have the force to wield the sword of runes! “Fight  him Andrew nought will end unless he dies! ”


Andrew let out a mighty  sigh  and brought his sword  down upon The Evil Knight

“Is  that  your best” the Evil Knight laughed “come on, at least make this a fight!”

With that  he turned and lunged at the Faery Queen, his poisoned sword found its mark.

Leona  fell to the ground, she hardly made  a sound. All was silent all was black…………… Hark


A pounding of  paws , shilouettes on the horizon. Yes at last the wolves are coming!

Who was was that with the wolves riding a stalion black Lady Susan ,with the wolves a coming!







Sword of Runes Chapter 11


As Sir Byron  kissed  Leona’s lips  so red.

He slipped the ring of life on her finger, their agreement to wed.

“Oh! cried out the Faery Queen ” Had I forgot  my ring

I could not use my  magic, for I am not not whole without this  thing”


Restored she rose up and grew in stature and from the ring came light

“Thank  you Bryon,  my  love . I summon  all that  is good and right

To  come now and assist me. To save  not olny Andrew Bold  but the whole universe.

I must keep you safe now my love, while I  put back good and all evil things  reverse.”


Sir Byron tried to argue  but Leona  was too quick for him to move

She made a safe ring in which  to keep her  love, a spell no evil could remove.

Quietening  Byron’s protestations she put him to sleep.

Leona Faery Queen was ready or battle now,  knowing  Bryon was safe in her keep.


Out on the Tor Bold Andrew was fighting  for his life

This was his fate, the reason he had  been born to rid all strife.

Blinded  by blood from a grievious wound, Andrew trusted to his Sword of Runes

His thrusts  and lunges  found their mark  but made no impact The Evil Dark Knight saw victory was to be his soon.


Leona could not believe her eyes. The child that  she had help to raise, lovingly  taught

Was attacking evil  with all his might . The sword that he had forge for good,seemingly counting for nought.

Of  a sudden The Evil Knight of Doom  turned away  from Andrew , his eyes locked fast with Leona’s

“No” said the Evil Knight “you shall not rob  me of what  is mine.” Leona called across the  miles for Susan’s  help  but Lady  Susan was in a coma.





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