In and out of sleep , it is very confusing. There is no rest really the pain does not let up and it is only when the drugs are administered that I drift off properly. Gwen is as ever calling for Audrey , the lady next too me is dosing and I feel so odd. My husband has put some books on my Ipod the only trouble is that I drift off mid story and it is so hard to rewind.
6am lights on and breakfast, it is easier to have toast I can eat that lying down, though I would like some porridge but there is no one to help me …. so toast it is. The lady next to me tells me how nice the porridge is… yes I bet it is. Time for blood pressure and temperature , ” have you passed a motion willow?” “No not yet” I reply. “we can give you some medicine for that ” the nurse says ………….. they can give medicine for everything but can they make me walk. I drift off again.
8.30am ” Hello willow time to wash dress you and change your bed”. I just smile I hate this , I understand it has to be done and they do it well but they talk over me about their lives, have they have mistaken me for one of the old ladies in here that cannot or will not comunicate . Shall I interupt their chatter or shall I…… there you go all clean and comfy now. They walk away and I am alone again time for Imogen I think !
My head is so messed up where the hell am I … oh! God I can’t move , help, help!
“Hello Willow I am just doing your blood pressure , it is high are you okay? ” I look at the nurse and I try to say I am scared I keep having bad dreams and I feel so trapped in this body brace. What I do say is “I am okay just having strange dreams, do you know when my operation will be ?” No she shakes her head.
She doesn’t know , I watch her walk off and I am slipping off again, Imogen is singing in my head
10.am The lady comes round with the hot drink, I have coffee in a beaker with a straw , it tastes funny but it the only way to get a drink.
…………. “hi ” It is a doctor now, ” what are you listening to?” I am about to tell him but he is asking me more questions , it is so hard to concentrate but I do my best.
12midday dinner arrives, Oh! I am in luck today the young girl is here to help me. She is African and so pretty she has a pretty nature too. She smiles and talks to me as she feeds me , she listens to me , she really does. I ask her is she going to be a nurse , no she is going to be a pharmasist , shame she would be a great nurse.
1pm the cleaner is here she is nice always smiling but she does not speak a word of English. She has the most lovely eyes.
“Hello Willow how was your morning ” it is my husband he is here to help me through the afternoon, trouble is I keep slipping in and out of sleep. Why will they not operate I will feel safer, stronger, better after they have. My husband talks and I listen, he tells me how cold it is , how bad the snow is. I want to be awake but I just keep slipping away.
3pm the tea lady again she gives me a beaker with a straw of coffee and my husband a cup of tea for my husband. The lady in the next bed had has two biscuits.
6pm dinner arrives, my husband helps me, he is getting good at this.
He stays till about 7.30pm I urge him to go home and rest.
I ring for a bedpan the nurse says ” surely you have a catheter” “yes” I said ” I do not need to pee”. It is almost impossible to use a bed pan when you are laying flat. This nurse leaves me on the bedpan for over 20mins then longer after I have rung for her to help me. I ask her have I been , no she says walking away. ………. Why can’t I tell if I have been, why can’t I go, why can’t I feel . My stomach really hurts, so does my back hurt so much, I start to cry then the cloak of sleep surounds me again.
11.30pm I hear the nurses starting the drugs round the night shift must be here , they are so noisy, blood pressure, temperature , pluse, tablets. Straighten the bed. Lights out ..not bad tonight it is middnignt. Let me get these headphones back in shut the ward out. …………………………