EvDaDaDec : Guilty secret

I am a grown up, I must be,  look at my age

But  I self harm just like a teenager , it must  be all the rage!

I don’t cut  but I scratch until I bleed

I make sure it does not show, no to show is not a need.

I do it because I hate myself, because I am so unsure

Sometimes it is the only  thing  that helps  me life  to endure.

Right now I feel I am loosing  the tenuous grip I hold on life

There seems  to be only fine lines and they all lead  to strife.

I really  should  be passed all this,I am a grown up woman

But when things get fraught  I scratch because I can.

I do not want to do this I am ashamed  to admit

I hope that if I write it down, I find  a way to stop it.

This  is not  my back but it could be

Why do I do this, what is wrong  with me.

I know I am not alone many struggle with this curse

I want  to find the strength to stop and not get worse.


I feel the need to face up to this  as I have now been chewing my fingers… I have  never attacked my hands before.

I have found  this on the  web Dermatillomania  does anyone know about it .

49 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Brenda
    Dec 12, 2013 @ 21:53:42

    Yikes, I had never heard of this!


  2. MsTranquility
    Dec 12, 2013 @ 22:05:03

    My daughter used to harm herself by cutting and scratching 😦 She did it because she said she hated herself too (something that happened to her as a child). She hasn’t done any self-harming in almost a year now, and is happier than I have ever seen her 🙂

    I wish you all the strength you can handle!


    • willowdot21
      Dec 12, 2013 @ 22:20:52

      Thank you, I feel ashamed because I am older I am 60 but I honestly feel a lot younger but that is by the by. I hope by speaking out that people will also admit to their secrets and address them . I am so pleased for your daughter and I pray she will continue to stay free from self harmng. I am , all being well I am going to be a grandma next year so I need to get to grips with myself don’t I .


      • MsTranquility
        Dec 12, 2013 @ 22:29:42

        I don’t think you should be ashamed because you’re older. It can happen to anyone, for whatever reason, at any age. The fact that you have admitted that there’s a problem with your scratching is a really good thing. My daughter hid it from me for almost 2 years, and I was clueless. Once she finally told me what she was doing, and the reasons why, she felt this huge emotional release and we were able to work through it together. Keeping it secret will only make it worse, so I think – in a way – you are coming to grips with it….and you should be really proud that you have the strength to do it; especially on such a public forum. I hope it gives others the same courage 🙂

        And, congratulations on becoming a grandma soon! You will be a great one 🙂

      • willowdot21
        Dec 12, 2013 @ 22:41:47

        Thank you , I do not feel proud but I am working on it , you and your daughter can feel proud for working things through and making it work.
        I am looking forward to the baby!! thank you for being so kind. 😀

      • MsTranquility
        Dec 12, 2013 @ 22:44:49

        You’re welcome – and – if you ever just want to talk, my email is on my blog! I wish you all the best, and can’t wait to read about the new baby 🙂

      • willowdot21
        Dec 12, 2013 @ 22:48:19

        🙂 thank you ! Lets hope I don’t bore everyone!

      • MsTranquility
        Dec 12, 2013 @ 22:49:04

        No, you won’t! 🙂

  3. bearspawprint
    Dec 13, 2013 @ 02:07:48

    Do you enter a fugue state?


  4. Gray Dawster
    Dec 13, 2013 @ 09:50:33

    Stop chewing on your fingers
    and eat chocolate instead 🙂 🙂
    Seriously though, I have heard
    of this self harming and it is
    something rather distressing
    especially for those that find a
    comfort in doing so 😦

    Have a great Friday the 13th
    and of course a splendid weekend
    my sweet friend Willowdot 🙂

    Andro xxxx


  5. Vefday
    Dec 13, 2013 @ 11:59:38

    Willow, you must stop hating yourself.


  6. saminaiqbal27
    Dec 13, 2013 @ 22:40:55

    With the spirit of Christmas around you will feel better. When I feel down I start doing writing or some charity work which cheers me up instantly. This should cheer you up a little. After reading about the plight of homeless on your post I have done some shopping of goodies and warm clothing for some that I can help. All inspiration came from the photos of the young people that you posted. Thanks for this Willow, you are an inspiration for me. I hope and pray you feel better my friend as you have so many caring friends here. Take care and God bless.


  7. WordsFallFromMyEyes
    Dec 15, 2013 @ 04:55:10

    Willow, this is very worrying. I had no idea. I thought after your holiday you’d be feeling good, and it would last a while.

    Only one year ago I was picking and picking at myself. A lady at work commented on my legs and I said it was a bad reaction to mosquito bites, but I was fascinated with picking at myself. I beg you do something, Willow. I don’t know what, just something. Does your husband know?


    • willowdot21
      Dec 15, 2013 @ 17:41:32

      It is worrying and I intend to seek professional help very soon. Yes my husband does know, he does not like it and tends to get angry if he sees it ….. a normal response I guess. Hugs Noeleen keep well!! xxxxxxxxx


      • WordsFallFromMyEyes
        Dec 15, 2013 @ 19:24:23

        Yes please get help, Willow. You deserve health and wellness. Make it, find it – that’s what we must do. I really do relate. Daniel at the time was embarrassed his friends saw my arms and legs and asked me to wear long sleeves. I was ashamed, and not understanding my own self, but obliged because, in his words “You look like a crack whore”. We know I wasn’t but he was a teen and, yes, I looked that bad in self-attack.

        I truly feel, Willow, I wait to hear better from you xx.

      • willowdot21
        Dec 15, 2013 @ 19:53:28

        I am going to get help Noeleen , my back looks like a war zone and I can’t do anything about it! You boys words got through to you ,yours have got to me , thank you. xxxxx

  8. reikiheidi
    Dec 15, 2013 @ 08:42:23

    Dearest Willowdot, age has nothing to do with how we feel, and I admire your courage in speaking out. I hope you can take some solace that you are raising awareness and helping others.
    Much hope, love & Blessings to you xxx


    • willowdot21
      Dec 15, 2013 @ 17:36:36

      Thank you, yes I do hope to bring awareness to this subject and let people who are suffering with it know they are not alone or dirty. I intend to get some professional help as I now realize I cannot cope on my own.


  9. Miss Lou
    Dec 15, 2013 @ 12:20:29

    I suffer from a fairly severe health anxiety disorder, although under control now, it occasionally flares up. This is the result of almost dying in a car accident and being in hospital for 4 months. PTSD apparently

    I remember in the beginning, when I was learning how to deal with it, I would practice OCD behaviour to try and keep the anxiety at bay.

    I was lucky enough to meet an ambulance medic one time at work (after I fainted form hyperventilating) She asked me if I had experienced a significant trauma (Abuse, MVA, etc) I told her about my accident and She said to me. Get to your doctor and get a referral to see a CLINICAL psychologist. She said, it is very important it’s a clinical one, because they specialist in treating the stuff affecting you.

    I did and luckily for me, I got a good one straight up. I spent 6 months seeing her and we worked pretty intensively on cognitive behaviour therapy. (CBT) I was able to stop running (that was my thing and I was over doing it) and stop other stuff, like washing all the clean dishes, clothes in color and type and.. the list goes on…

    If you can afford it, a CP may be able to assist, because they also specialize in treating self harm victims too.

    A problem shared reduces the load. It’s great you are talking about it, that’s the start to finding a solution!


    • willowdot21
      Dec 15, 2013 @ 17:33:21

      Thank you for caring, I am so sorry that you had such an awful experience , and the ensuing problems. Yes you are lucky to have the medics advice and so well done you on having the sense to act on this. I have an awful lot of stress in my life due to family and a husband who has very exacting views…. his way or now way. Though he is only trying to do his best for everyone, no one can be perfect all the time. Anyway I shall not go in to that.
      I broke my back five years back and was in hospital just over a month and like you I found I started having issues after that though I have to say I had stress issues before. I did have to see a pain psychologist which did help, she suggested I wrote my feelings down and that is why I started my blog.
      I say good luck to you and me and again thank you for caring .


      • Miss Lou
        Dec 15, 2013 @ 21:03:58

        It really sounds like you have taken some responsibility for working through things. Writing can be a fantastic outlet and forums like WordPress can be a great way to find a community of people who support and care for each other (online)

        Ouch @ Breaking your back 😦

        Thank you for taking the time to respond 🙂

        Miss Lou

      • willowdot21
        Dec 15, 2013 @ 21:09:54

        I was honoured to answer, you must know plenty about pain too being in a road accident ! I am grateful for your care . 😉 xx

  10. Lorelie
    Dec 17, 2013 @ 05:21:09

    What an interesting post. Anxiety is tedious, forever grinding on one’s quality of life. Writing is a great outlet.


    • willowdot21
      Dec 17, 2013 @ 07:07:46

      Yes writing is a great help ………… tedious is not a strong enough word for anxiety it spoils completely so man things, that which is good can so easily be spoiled and turned bad.


  11. wyckdstorm
    Jul 09, 2014 @ 18:59:36

    I do this too, one person told me it was my own form of cutting. But now I know I am not the only one who does it. The picture you show is nothing compared to my back and shoulders. I’ve ruined many shirts and sometimes it gets so bad I have done it without even thinking in front of others. Now I’m too embarrassed to let anyone see, I keep myself well covered so the scars and scabs never show.


    • willowdot21
      Jul 09, 2014 @ 19:24:46

      I do understand exactly what you are saying, I have to hide my back and arms . My husband goes mad if he see the scars and scabs…or if he notices another spoilt top… it doesn’t help. Try not to stress about it you can get help from your Dr. But you are not alone and try to understand you can get back in charge of yourself.


  12. Trackback: STOP IT. | willowdot21

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