IS IT A HAIKU

Haiku

BLACK WING TIPS

LIT BY GOLDEN SHINE

PALE MOON RISING

BRANCHES ALMOST BARE.

 

 

 

14 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Vampire Weather
    Nov 09, 2011 @ 22:51:39

    Simple and provoking. It is liberating to speak with so few words. I love it! 🙂

    Reply

  2. Randall
    Nov 09, 2011 @ 23:21:31

    It is very touching and beautifully done.

    Reply

  3. SaFire
    Nov 10, 2011 @ 10:24:09

    beautiful verse. don’t think it’s a haiku though.

    Reply

  4. zumpoems
    Nov 10, 2011 @ 12:51:20

    Love this form! It is not strictly Haiku — but for me, neither is the English variant of 5-7-5 syllables. That said you did it in 17 and, for me, this is as much as Haiku as a 5-7-5 form. You have three subjects and if you had not that last beautiful line and just

    BLACK WING TIPS
    LIT BY GOLDEN SHINE
    PALE MOON RISING

    you would probably have something closer to the Japanese sense of Haiku of two contrasting subjects. This is 3-5-4 — which for me given the nature of English is closer to the Japanese syllables of 5-7-5. For me, I think 3-5-3 or 4-6-4 are better forms in English when trying to emulate Japanese Haiku.

    I even partial to something like

    BLACK WING TIPS
    LIT BY GOLDEN SHINE
    OF MOON RISING

    or

    BLACK WING TIPS
    LIT BY GOLDEN SHINE

    Just my opinion.

    At any rate your poem above is very beautiful and works quite well as it is.

    Reply

    • willowdot21
      Nov 10, 2011 @ 15:07:20

      Thank you “zum” as ever you have come to my rescue , I still have not got my head completely round the haiku , but you have explain it very clearly to me so I may give it another try yet!!

      Reply

  5. zendictive
    Nov 10, 2011 @ 13:30:27

    haiku – 5-7-5

    BLACK WING TIPS, LIT =5
    GOLDEN SHINE, PALE MOON RISING =7
    BRANCHES ALMOST BARE. =5

    Haiku has become broader than the traditional 5-7-5
    so your original poem is lovely and just fine the way it is
    but traditional Haiku is set in its standards (three lines)
    which makes it difficult yet fun

    (~_~)

    Reply

  6. penpusherpen
    Nov 10, 2011 @ 16:22:18

    I’ve never tried this form Willow, so I’m not able to say…but I love what you’ve achieved either way… Lovely and descriptive, painting the picture with words.. xPenx

    Reply

  7. willowdot21
    Nov 10, 2011 @ 16:26:38

    Thank you Pen , the jury is still out!! Thanks for liking it! XX

    Reply

  8. jillnottelten
    Nov 10, 2011 @ 22:46:24

    I think it’s a beautiful picture whether it’s a haiku or not. 🙂

    Reply

  9. willowdot21
    Nov 10, 2011 @ 22:48:03

    Thanks the jury is still out!

    Reply

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