To live or not ( revised)

I stand alone

I stand alone apart from all the others. I stand alone because of fear. If I should reach out to say hello they may reject me and banish me from here.

I am one of many  in a country on a planet in a galaxy within a universe one of the lost, one of the  cursed.

I stand alone in a room full of people some I know, they smile and say my name but then they turn away to some one more interesting …. it is like a cruel game.

I stand alone at work I do the things the others do , I use the computer carry files take notes speak with clients nothing new. I eat my lunch at my desk or walk in the park , I leave the office late and get home in the dark.

I stand alone in the bar where I have joined my workmates for a drink they seem so together . The alcohol does not help in fact it just makes my heart sink. I say goodbye but no one notices they are all too busy. I leave the bar and hail a cab the alcohol and night air conspire to make me dizzy.

I stand alone in my flat again, and cry , on my own as ever and I do not know why. I do not always what this just to be a place  I own. I want it to be happy I want it to be a home. I need to make the effort I need to reach out , but always in the backgrounds echoes the doubt.

sadness

What am I to do,why did I build that invisible  barrier why do I not let anyone in. They all think I am coping well living life to the full. If I told the truth would it be such a sin. It is so hard to drop my guard I do not know what their reaction will be , to open up is so very hard  for me.

I stand alone in the bathroom and look at my reflection it is not so good just look at my complexion.  Sunken and gaunt my eyes look dead and I am just so pale. I have had enough I just no longer care if I succeed or fail.

I have to try harder if I am to live. I know somewhere inside I have lots to give. So it doesn’t matter how much it hurts me I have to make the move and set me free. It has come to this, the choice I have to make. I either make an effort with the world or I attend my own wake.

I stand alone in the bedroom I am looking in the wardrobe I need to pick my brightest colours my highest heels  I need to lift my soul. Tomorrow I will decide if I knock down the barrier and let them all inside or if not to look my best so they can say “she looked beautiful when she died.” Shall I choose life or suicide?

11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. penpusherpen
    Oct 14, 2011 @ 14:58:03

    ah Willow, such a sad tale…and so many face the World and stand alone …wondering what made things that way, and how things got so bad. You have nailed the feeling completely… and I hope the final decision she took was one of ‘letting in’ … and not ‘letting go’ You drew me in with your Poem and made me long to {{hug}} the pain away… xPenx

    Reply

  2. jillnottelten
    Oct 14, 2011 @ 15:30:46

    to stand alone is a drain upon the soul. Yet to stand, to be able to get up and go through the motions of the day is – to some – the place they cannot even reach to start so deeply sunken into the mattresses as they are. To stand can be a victory. Gather your armour for the next round and stay the battle. The steps may feel arduous but the results are worth reaching for. Touch the world around you. You are already stronger than you know.

    Reply

    • willowdot21
      Oct 14, 2011 @ 17:50:06

      Hi Jill, you are right the will to rise each day can be hard to find. I pray for and send out hopefully, helpful vibes on their way to all of those in pain. Thank you for your visit willowxx

      Reply

  3. willowdot21
    Oct 14, 2011 @ 17:47:12

    I hope she made the right decision too Pen, one thing I will say she would of loved a big{{HUG}} from you !! Thanks! XX

    Reply

  4. Vampire Weather
    Oct 14, 2011 @ 21:49:11

    Wow. I feel as though I know you. Perhaps you live in my mirror. Such hauntingly familiar tones. I avoided opening up for a long time. I was recently of the mind I might try it again, and my feelings were of disappointment at the response. We are so alone, and yet, we are alone together. Surely this is needless. I wish we could see each other as different, and yet fascinating and beautiful. Thank you for this

    Reply

  5. zumpoems
    Oct 15, 2011 @ 18:48:12

    willow,

    Very well done on the revisions for the sixth and ninth paragraphs! This is what ultimately makes an excellent author — knowing what to revise and leave unrevised.

    These revisions are more natural and much stronger. Bravo!

    You may wish to consider improvement of the following line:

    “I look so pale and gaunt my eyes look dead no wonder they avoid me they must think I am there to haunt.”

    I love the meter and the tension created with this line — for me, though, “there to haunt” sounds a little artificial, and weakens the overall strength of that paragraph and what follows.

    Reply

  6. willowdot21
    Oct 15, 2011 @ 19:12:22

    OH!! you always get me , I think you must read my mind. I was not happy with that line but I thought okay I can just slip it through. I have given it some thought and I think this might do it. Thanks for pushing me. :o) x

    Reply

  7. zendictive
    Oct 16, 2011 @ 10:52:48

    touching, the deep seeded sadness reaches into the reader and tugs the heart strings, I have a best friend who commited suicide and this really hit home with me. I can recall having hundreds of conversations with him about his internal pains and it was like no matter how many life rafts you send, they are still sinking, pulling you with them emotionally. I have to say this post, I read today will be with me all day, as much for the write as for the memories (~_~)

    Reply

  8. willowdot21
    Oct 16, 2011 @ 11:07:56

    Thank you for sharing I am sorry for your loss, I have seen suicide from both sides..hopefully I have moved on, well I am still here. The grief for those we loose is so intense because they chose to go and leave us behind. Life is hard , take encouragement in the fact that you gave what you could and did what you could. No one can ask for more. I had a friend with Cancer who did not try to recover I felt her death profoundly and wrote about it. https://willowdot21.wordpress.com/2011/09/05/like-a-rockship-on-its-way-to-mars/
    Please take heart and have a good day. Thank you again for your comments xx

    Reply

  9. hollyannegetspoetic
    Oct 18, 2011 @ 18:03:02

    I like this very much – the repitition of doing the same old, same old, day after day will touch a nerve with many readers I think.

    Reply

  10. willowdot21
    Oct 18, 2011 @ 18:42:30

    Yes we all fall in to the same old, same old treadmill trap! It is so hard to get off and do something new. Thanks for stopping by always welcome.

    Reply

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