To Live or Not

I stand alone

I stand alone apart from all the others. I stand alone because of fear. If I should reach out to say hello they may reject me and banish me from here.

I am one of many  in a country on a planet in a galaxy within a universe one of the lost, one of the  cursed.

I stand alone in a room full of people some I know, they smile and say my name but then they turn away to some one more interesting …. it is like a cruel game.

I stand alone at work I do the things the others do , I use the computer carry files take notes speak with clients nothing new. I eat my lunch at my desk or walk in the park , I leave the office late and get home in the dark.

I stand alone in the bar where I have joined my workmates for a drink they seem so together . The alcohol does not help in fact it just makes my heart sink. I say goodbye but no one notices they are all too busy. I leave the bar and hail a cab the alcohol and night air conspire to make me dizzy.

I stand alone in my flat again, and cry , I once had a lover but they are gone I stand alone and wonder why. The space I stand in now all my own was not always a flat it was once a home. Even when he was sick and we new knew he would die I did not cry for I never envisage he would really leave me on my own.

what am I to do

What am I to do,why did I build that invisible  barrier why do I not let anyone in. They all think I am coping well living life to the full. If I told the truth would it be such a sin. It is so hard to drop my guard I do not know what their reaction will be , to open up is so very hard  for me.

I stand alone in the bathroom and look at my reflection it is not so good just look at my complexion.  I look so pale and gaunt my eyes look dead no wonder they avoid me they must think  I am there to haunt.

I have to try harder if I am to live he would not want to see me so. Self pity he could never forgive. So it doesn’t matter how much it hurts me I have to make the move and set me free. It has come to this, the choice I have to make. I either make an effort with the world or I attend my own wake.

I stand alone in the bedroom I am looking in the wardrobe I need to pick my brightest colours my highest heels  I need to lift my soul. Tomorrow I will decide if I knock down the barrier and let them all inside or if not to look my best so they can say “she looked beautiful when she died.”

7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. zumpoems
    Oct 13, 2011 @ 15:36:14

    Nice to see your range of styles and handling of content. This has a very dark, gloomy, shadowy feel. Well done!

    Reply

  2. willowdot21
    Oct 13, 2011 @ 16:20:35

    Why thank you, life is not all airy fairy ………. sadly.

    Reply

  3. lilyklynn
    Oct 13, 2011 @ 22:22:27

    I can’t even express how much this poem means to me. In a world that makes me feel so completely alone, outcast and misunderstood a lot of the time, it’s tragically comforting to know I do not stand alone as someone who feels like “one of the lost, one of the cursed”. The first few paragraphs especially really spoke to me. And definitely the parts about it being difficult to open up to others and let them in. Sometimes, I think some of us are just meant to be more alone than others and I feel I will have to learn to live with that. Xx Lily

    Reply

    • willowdot21
      Oct 14, 2011 @ 07:50:22

      Dear Lily as one of the lost and cursed I reach out to you ,you are not alone. We do stand alone even if we are with someone. Some people are lucky but I bet there are more like you and I. I think I chickened out when writing the poem because I felt ( as you do) that I needed to justify the feelings….. I think now I should write version two telling the truth , removing the excuse of the dead lover. Keep going Lily I am here if you need to talk. keep smiling it does help. xxx

      Reply

  4. Androgoth
    Oct 13, 2011 @ 22:39:34

    A very nice description of someone that is lost and unable to connect with the world around them, that inner sorrow that holds back the vibrant person just wishing to break the ice, to enjoy camaraderie, to be able to belong and yet in truth that belonging and fitting in with the world is just a breath away, if only one had the courage to reach out and touch the uncertainties of life, and in doing so unlock the freedom that is yearned.

    It must be very debilitating when one feels so alone, out of touch and seemingly without a friend to turn to, to be listened to, and to feel the warmth of another person who genuinely wants to share a friendship, but life does exist outside of the bubble, and all one has to do to break free is to be there.

    Shrinking into the background is not the way forwards, so standing tall, brushing oneself down and rejoining the world will most certainly fill the cup of optimism.

    Not easy but necessary…
    Have a very nice Friday Willow 🙂

    Androgoth XXx

    Reply

  5. willowdot21
    Oct 14, 2011 @ 08:37:02

    Thank you Androgoth , again you got straight to the heart of things. Life can be a lonely place even when you have people in your life even when you have a partner , in fact that can highlight the problem even more. Anyway I wish you a wicked Friday too !! 🙂

    Reply

  6. giselzitrone
    Oct 14, 2011 @ 12:19:31

    Lieber Gruss und schönes week-end Gislinde

    Reply

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