Back ground noise

background noise

It is hassling me in the day time and all through the night, it is there when  am trying to concentrate no wonder nothing is right! It is there when I am happy and when I am sad. I will not be shut out it just keeps telling me I am bad.

I can’t read a book or watch the TV  because it’s strident voice is banging on at me.” You need to do it this way, you need to do some more you need to try to be like you were before!” I can’t concentrate when talking face to face or even on the phone and I cannot escape it if I am out or if I am at home.

It never has a good word for me. It never say okay you’ve really put the effort in or take a rest you’ve had a hard day. No it is all just criticism  and always puts me down. If it  had a face to look at me it would wear a frown.

When I am at my weakest and pain besets my body and my brain it is there shouting “you are a fraud and you are lazy do more ” again and again. I try to out sing it I try to read a book I hide in this computer anything to get me off the hook.

I have stood up to it and stared it in the eye. I have told it I can’t manage what it wants. It sneers at me shouting “Why?? ” I crawl in to the corner and cover up my ears but it is still going on demanding  why I am in tears.

It says I am coward, lazy and a freak . I says I should do the things my body can’t, it say I am a cheat. It says I should be walking faster, longer and without a stick it says I should not be tired anything that will my conscience to prick.

I need to find a volume knob I need to find a switch I need to lower it’s tone so it can quietly bitch. It seems I can’t escape it so to live with it I must endeavour if I could make it back ground noise perhaps I could cope with it forever?

So if it will not leave me, if it insists to stay I need to learn to cope with it in a clever way. So when it starts to berate me when it begins to crow I will say OH! it is that back ground noise and somehow turn it down to low!!

12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. zumpoems
    Oct 06, 2011 @ 18:36:21

    Very good! For me, this is a wonderful metaphor with background noise representing the those things that are “noise” in one’s life — the barriers to success.


  2. willowdot21
    Oct 06, 2011 @ 18:56:56

    Thank you, I am glad you can find a connection with this poem . There is always that voice be it little or large muttering around inside our heads!! I hope you are well and happy!! XX


  3. penpusherpen
    Oct 07, 2011 @ 12:51:12

    We’re always are toughest on ourselves, Willow, in the same situation we’d give someone else leeway, but no, we have standards and if we fall short our background noise, or internal voice lets us know…. hard and fast. I can always hear it too, so I’m glad you penned this one my friend, means I’m not alone.. 😀 xPenx


  4. fallenelegy
    Oct 09, 2011 @ 04:05:05

    sometimes it happens. we wish for silence we don’t get. all these thoughts inside our minds can be controlled with effort. we need to be confident, believe in ourselves. but at times a volume knob is truly desired.

    the first few paragraphs made me think of people with tinnitus, that ringing in ears they can’t stop and trouble them for life. then i was thinking of schizophrenia, voices in the head. but i really know i should not think that much.


  5. Vampire Weather
    Oct 09, 2011 @ 07:45:51

    The line that struck me was “It says I am coward, lazy and a freak . I says I should do the things my body can’t, it say I am a cheat.”

    I do not know the origins of the poem, but the picture which came into my head was someone with a physical disability. However, because I almost always adapt poetry to apply directly to me, I began instantly to consider the definitions of “freak” and how we so easily associate that with he outward, when so many people who look perfectly lovely on the outside feel like freaks on the inside. That background noise is very good at convincing us of things. In my counseling, I often remind people that perception is, in some cases, far more important than reality. What a person perceives their self to be will shape them, even if they are not accurate. It is very hard indeed sometimes to separate the intelligent inner voice, from the fearful, insecure, irrational one. Brilliantly done! Great work


  6. willowdot21
    Oct 09, 2011 @ 08:39:29

    Thank you for comments. I do have a disabilitie caused by an accident. These are the feelings I have in my head and my pain physcologist suggest I write it all down. I appreciate your thoughts as I always enjoy your work. Vampireweather you always encourage me. X


  7. willowdot21
    Oct 09, 2011 @ 08:46:22

    Thanks PEN YOU are right as ever I am away til.tomorrow so will comment properly then struggling with phone keyboard x x


  8. giselzitrone
    Oct 09, 2011 @ 12:44:24

    Lieber Gruss von mit und einen schönen Tag Gislinde


  9. Androgoth
    Oct 09, 2011 @ 18:07:23

    Sometimes that niggling sense of right and wrong helps one to achieve even the hardest of goals, it gives out strength, and almost super human in nature and is the voice of Raison D’ être…

    Have a lovely rest of evening Willow 🙂

    Androgoth XXx


  10. willowdot21
    Oct 10, 2011 @ 13:48:21

    Androgoth you have the ability to read into the heart of what I am trying to say. Yes sometimes it gives us that well needed push but some times it just gets me down.. hey ho . I hope you are having a good day! XXX


  11. lilyklynn
    Oct 10, 2011 @ 19:52:53

    I think this happens to all of us – that nagging voice in our minds that tells us this or that isn’t good enough. On those days, I just accept that it’s there, knowing that tomorrow is a new day and it will bring new and better thoughts. The important thing is to keep going! Eventually, the voice that showers you with confidence and determination will take over. Just don’t let that nagging voice put you down! For the past few weeks, I’ve actually stuck up a bunch of post-it notes on my wall with positive words to say to myself (or to kick me back into high gear), so whenever I feel down, I look to those and remember what I’m fighting for. Xx Lily


  12. willowdot21
    Oct 10, 2011 @ 20:32:35

    Well done Lily that is a wonderful attitude I think I shall use this very clever tactic!!


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