Back ground noise

background noise

It is hassling me in the day time and all through the night, it is there when  am trying to concentrate no wonder nothing is right! It is there when I am happy and when I am sad. I will not be shut out it just keeps telling me I am bad.

I can’t read a book or watch the TV  because it’s strident voice is banging on at me.” You need to do it this way, you need to do some more you need to try to be like you were before!” I can’t concentrate when talking face to face or even on the phone and I cannot escape it if I am out or if I am at home.

It never has a good word for me. It never say okay you’ve really put the effort in or take a rest you’ve had a hard day. No it is all just criticism  and always puts me down. If it  had a face to look at me it would wear a frown.

When I am at my weakest and pain besets my body and my brain it is there shouting “you are a fraud and you are lazy do more ” again and again. I try to out sing it I try to read a book I hide in this computer anything to get me off the hook.

I have stood up to it and stared it in the eye. I have told it I can’t manage what it wants. It sneers at me shouting “Why?? ” I crawl in to the corner and cover up my ears but it is still going on demanding  why I am in tears.

It says I am coward, lazy and a freak . I says I should do the things my body can’t, it say I am a cheat. It says I should be walking faster, longer and without a stick it says I should not be tired anything that will my conscience to prick.

I need to find a volume knob I need to find a switch I need to lower it’s tone so it can quietly bitch. It seems I can’t escape it so to live with it I must endeavour if I could make it back ground noise perhaps I could cope with it forever?

So if it will not leave me, if it insists to stay I need to learn to cope with it in a clever way. So when it starts to berate me when it begins to crow I will say OH! it is that back ground noise and somehow turn it down to low!!

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