Did they grieve do they forgive

Did they know me, those tiny souls, did they grieve as they left, for me and their lives un -lived. I grieved for them though in those days to grieve for that loss was not done . Yet grieve I did for those souls lost that I had been gifted.

Had I done something wrong , was it something I moved or something I had lifted. I suppose I shall never know. It seemed so unkind that the first one was lost while I was out. In pub toilet, I was frightened and alone my husband and friends on the other side of the wall celebrating.  Was that soul as scared as me. God forgive me the inside of a toilet the first sight to see. I was mortified so guilty it was not even a shape so I flushed it away in fear. I bit on my lip to off set the pain I wanted to stop this but that was in vain. So I cleaned up the blood and painted my lips then tided my mascara smudges with my finger tips.

Hidden grief

The rest of the evening I sat and cried inside , “your quiet tonight is anything wrong ” I was asked  but of course I denied. I was gutted and hurt and slightly in pain  but so so empty inside. When we got home I shared my grief I was met with disbelief. Not of the facts but that I had  not said, well best not make  a fuss lets get you to bed.

It was not my fault the doctor said “natures way of clearing away anything that was not perfect. A practice run”. He was so bright and brisk ,off hand I was taken aback. Was nature so cruel so matter of fact. I had done nothing wrong he said, I needed more reassurance to assuage my guilt but he only suggest two days off work and a rest in bed.

Did that soul grieve did it  forgive me , I grieved for it for its soul and the life it did not see.

After the Christening of our first born , three  years later, I was exhausted and so hot, mind you it had been a lot of work and I had put in my all not being one to shirk. Things got worse and I knew at once what was happening to me. I did my best to get away from the visitors , the centre of attention was not what I wanted to be. We called the doctor when everyone had gone  he suggest I rest, with a young babe, come on!

I had lost one he told me  but the other was still there. I felt sorrow, grief  and guilt. For this to happen again it just did not seem fair. Try as I might I had only my self to blame I grieved  for a soul that my body had denied  life again. I thought I could  feel no worse but there was more to come, for a few days later I lost the other one .

A quick D and C will see you all right  you will be in hospital and out not even overnight. Yes that was true  and my body mended fast but the guilt for these souls was something that lasts.

Time is a great healer and I know that is true for life has given me plenty to do. I have three children and they are all boys they have given me hassle and they given me joys. I have had my hands full but they have all grown and flown, well. I remember my mother whispering to me “be glad with what you have and don’t fill your home with boys looking for a girl.” I knew she was right but back then it gave me no joy I felt a big hole created  by the tiny lost souls.

I have never discussed this in any depth till today, as when it all happened things like grief had all to be tucked away. I feel grief and guilt still, for the babies, there that  is the first time I have said that. But one question still remains with me till this day.

Did they know me, those tiny souls, did they grieve as they left, for me and their lives un-lived. I grieved for them though in those days, to grieve for that loss was not done . Yet grieve I did for those souls lost that I had been gifted, had I done something wrong.

Follow me on Twitter

Follow Us

Follow Us

Follow Us

Follow Us

Mr. Ohh!'s Sideways View

For those of you who aren't me...and I've noticed a surprisingly large number of people who aren't.

The Small Dog

Life from the Tail End

USUAL MUTTWITS

DOG TAILS by ZoZo and Jools

kimbladeswriting

poetry and short stories

Ben Naga

Gifts from the Musey Lady and Me. "Laissez-moi vous raconter ma vraie histoire."

About the Jez of It

Poetry, stories and strange odds and ends from the desk of a writer

The Sound of One Hand Typing

Music, Musings, Memoir, and Madness

"LIFE" ( You like it, I love it! )

"LOVE"-Keeping it real, and keeping it simple!

Our Eyes Open

Come along on an adventure with us!

Diary of a Dublin Housewife

Diary of a Dublin Housewife

J-Dubs Grin and Bear It

As Always, More to Come

Smorgasbord Blog Magazine

Blog magazine for lovers of health, food, books, music, humour and life in general

Colline's Blog

a potpourri of thoughts and experiences

pensitivity101

An onion has many layers. So have I!

lynz real cooking

lynz real life

Darswords

Musings about Havenverse

From Cave Walls

The Journey Home

Sue Vincent's Daily Echo

Echoes of Life, Love and Laughter

like mercury colliding...

...moments of unexpected clarity

G-Bears Blog

Real Life - Hard Facts !

All in a Day's Breath

Art, Love of Life, Philosophy, Writing, Spirituality

Kevin Parish

Poetry, lyrics and other words...

Claire Ladds

Crime and dark fiction author

adamdixonfiction

Short stories from a fiction addict

Write to Inspire

Lance Greenfield - Night Writer

Thoughts by Mello-Elo

Books, Poems, Stories...and a cup of coffee, or two!

Tent Stories

The untold tales of paths trodden, fears conquered and battles won.

Jemima Pett

Writing and reviews with an environmental, science fiction, and fantasy touch

My Colourful Life

Because Life is Colourful

Marian Wood

Aspiring Author and Poet

Ritu Bhathal

Author, Poet, Storyteller

besonian

musings on life, love, people, why we're here and where we're going

Author Steve Boseley - Half a Loaf of Fiction

Horror and Dark Fiction, and assorted other topics

A Unique Title For Me

Hoping to make the world more beautiful