My Name Is Despair

You can run and you can hide but you can’t escape me. You can look high and low but you won’t find me , you know! Race through the grass, skid through the reeds wade through the river in your bid to be free. Keep your eyes open don’t let me catch you sleeping. I am as unaffected  by your smile as I am by your weeping.

In the deepest dark or the brightest light I can haunt you, be it day or night. Haunt yes I truly will I don’t care if you are healthy or if you are ill. I am always there waiting to pounce I take your dreams and ideals and just when you miss them I pounce.

I am mean and I am dark I have bony fingers  with sharp dirty nails, if I click them they spark.You won’t see me nor will you hear my foot fall I can surround you making no sound at all.

You can’t escape me, how ever hard you try. I shall be with you until the day you die. I will be there right at your side you can not shake me so wear me with pride. I am your failings I am your faults I live in your mind and hide in your vaults.

I am your darkness I am your fear you don’t need to search for me as I am always here. What is my name …….. it is Despair.

Truth Wept

open door

Truth was my ally

The light is blinding and white. I try to take a step but I am frozen by fright. What is there beyond the door , we have all wondered and asked this before.

If fear is the enemy then who is by my side I thought it was truth  but truth wept as it  lied.

There is something though I feel a steadying hand and a voice that is telling me that all has been planned.Tell me please I start to cry,why did he leave me, why did truth lie?

I reach for the peace I long to hold, it always eludes me and leaves me cold. I tread carefully along the floor, it always betrays me and creaks as I near the door. Will I ever know the answer, will my fears ever fly, I though truth was my ally but truth ,well, truth  lied.

I am tired now my strength is all spent I look for hope but he also went. I move forward  escape to gain but  I am betrayed my efforts in vain. My eyes are opened  my vision now cleared I turn for support  but it ends as I feared.

If fear is the enemy then who is by my side I thought it was truth  but truth wept as it  lied.

Flying high and waving furiously

Flying high and waving furiously, you all look so far away and small to me. I truly wish that as sore and fly my troubled mind would empty and set me free.

You can’t see me up here in the blue  as you prod my empty body and wonder why I do not act as you, no you just get annoyed at the things I do. Why, you ask me time and time again do I mess my life  up  again and again. Is it any wonder then that I am up here waving, ignoring your the words whispering in my brain.220px-Carine-is-flying,-Paul!

I had to cut my ties and hit the skies for I can no longer walk the well worn path. It is not the easy choice I make but I took it quickly and for my own sake. I was selfish that is true I did this just for me , for once and not for you.

Looking for escape I try to keep my spirits high ,I love the blue I love the sky so what better place to try . Your pressure and your demands have become too much , I fear your words, I fear your touch.

I may not make it, that is true . Chances do not come often in fact they are few. So I will grab this dream with both hands and gather up my life of many strands and pray that some time soon I find the answer for it eludes me still.

Flying high and waving furiously, you all look so far away and small to me. I truly wish that as sore and fly my troubled mind would empty and all my fears would die.

Realisation

Drip drip falls the rain making little puddles, I am sitting here in the warm, a cup of coffee in my hand, my mind in such a muddle. I take a sip and watch the streams of water running down the window pane. I sit here and  look at my life, I try to change it all, but all in vain.

Pit pat goes my heart with the rain keeping time. The phone rings it makes me jump. “Hello, hello yes I am just fine” Am I fine I just don’t know , I know I am tired and I know I’m feeling low. Looking at my life today I feel like I have received the finale blow.Little raindrops on my window, tell me please , it is not so.

The voice on the phone is pulling me back from my daydream, “no, no sorry he is not here he is not home”  Hanging up and once again alone. I sip my coffee and shift my position . The rain is still falling and running down the window as if it is on a life’s mission.

The post lays on the table unsorted and unread , the housework calls but I am  blocking it out of my head.If the children were small and dependant on me they would not get fed, there’d be no tea. Luckily they are not here all moved on.Grown and flown just like a song.

All those thing I could of , should of done are  wasted now all gone . I see where I should of been what I should of worn what I should of seen. But I hesitated and it all slipped from my grasp. So I jumped into the arms of the first one who asked . I panicked but it felt safe for a while.Looking back it was far from safe so I smile a wry smile.

rain running down the window

Where is the excitement where is my life when did I loose my identity and just become a wife? Who stole my youth where did my looks go it all happened so quickly I did not see , I did not know.

The rain still drip drops forming tiny rivulets, it blurs the view. I am too tired to worry now, I’ll just make another brew.

woman at window

watching_bokeh_rain__by_Ladislas

Loneliness

Day breaks , silence is shattered the birds start to stir waiting on the branches for crumbs to be scattered. Open the blinds put out the light unbolt the door set forth out of the night.

Out of the night towards the sun, life just goes on it does not grind screaming to a halt because you have gone. It is not right it all feels wrong why does the world not mark your passing? I want to scream to make them all see how deep my wound is. Why are you not here, I keep asking.

 I keep asking why did you go, my hands reach up to the sky, I miss you so. My tears could fill an ocean blue, my lips still asking why. So another day is here and I have fed the birds, put on my coat of lies. Paint my face,  dry my eyes. Check the clock walk the path leave the safety of the hearth.   Again I take my place among them, surrounded by so many but I stand alone.

Surrounded by so many but I stand alone. I arrive at work and greet my friends and stay there until I can go home. The phone the screen the printer, coffee cups and a break …. I keep going on this endless road smiling, laughing but it’s all fake.

Smiling, laughing but it’s all fake. Home again and it is late. I stayed out drinking for the emptiness here is what I hate. The weekend is here tomorrow but I shall be busy so busy so I can hide from sorrow.Friends for coffee, family for lunch out in the evening with a great bunch. I cannot stop not even for a minute or I shall see the hole you left ….yes and I am in it.

Loneliness

For Lindy x

God Bless the Bride and God Bless the Groom

God Bless our Bride and God Bless our Groom. There’s plenty of love for you both in this room. You stand at the start of your journey today, it won’t all be easy there’ll be dips on the way. Learning together what it means to be one and fighting off troubles as they come along.

God Bless the bride’s mother and her father too, as there’d be no blushing bride if it were not for you two. You have tended her learning and watched her at play. Now she is grown and a credit to you both we all say.

God Bless

God Bless my husband and me  too for we have provided a son- in -law for you. He’s been one of the apples of our eye and today at this moment our spirits are high. For we feel that rather than losing a son we are gaining a daughter, and we so wanted one.

God Bless the bridesmaids a glamorous pair in haute couture dresses and finely coiffed hair. You have both known our bride a  lifetime, it’s true and there’s no one she’d rather attend her today, than you.

God Bless the best woman she has been second to none, she has looked after, organized and arranged our son. You  have worked so hard today this is true, and still you look stunning,  my dear, I really must say!

God bless our Ushers one fair and one dark  your  work has been sterling and really hit the mark. You’ve  greeted  us all as we arrived today, don’t you look smart is all I need to say.

God Bless our Families and our friends dear you’ve made the day special by just being here. We’ve all had a hand in this wedding today.We hope you have happy memories that stay. My darling couple your future starts here,so please lift your glasses and be of good cheer.  God bless us everyone

It all starts here

The Photo Album

Photo Album

2011 - Downeu

The Photo album what secrets it hides the merry go round that is our lives.

There sits the album, I bet it looks quite innocent to you. What secrets and memories are hidden within its covers. Open it up set them free let all of the years rolls away and bring back different days to you and me.

Look at the children see how they have grown who’d of believed such wonderful flowers could bloom from the seeds we had sewn. Look at those smiles those innocent eyes lets airbrush the darkness each of us tries to disguise. There we are on our first holiday, happy to not be at work and really away and this one is of our first foreign vacation looking relaxed no sign of the planning it had taken.


Collage

There it is in black and white the pattern of our life

There it is in black and white the ups and downs, the pattern of our life. Its been  fun and its been hard our hopes and fears at the turn of a card.Look it frays around the edges the pictures blur and merge and stick together in big wedges. 

family snaps

life in technicolour

Now with more to look back on then to look forward to, life takes on a technicolour hue. Still with blurred edges it’s true. I wish the truth I could forget, it grieves me so ..but yet. Like all of us I smile and hide the fear and pain that walked large and free through the world inhabited by you and me. Heading toward the setting sun, most of my life is now done. The ones I love , the ones I fear they are still with me they are still here.

Yes here is the album of our lives, lets gather our memories and keep them safe. We will wrap them all away and keep them happy and  safe until another day.

The chink of light

water wall

Look for the chink look for the light

Look for the chink in the wall of water, look for that light that will make the dark alter. Walk the long bridge that goes into the dark close your ears to sound of screams,they are only your fears released into the nightmare of your dreams.

Walk bare foot along the bridge unless you slip ,tread slowly don’t rush you don’t want to trip. There are no railings to save you if you

fall no safety net to save you, no nothing at all.

Look towards the chink of light it is far away and deep into the night. Steadily is the only way to proceed one step at a time sadly there is no use for speed. Don’t look up and don’t look down keep your eyes ahead  don’t you dare turn round. Lest you slip, lest you fall no need too scream no need to call there is no help for you if you fall.

grief

Welcome to my world

I have tried so hard to fight that wall to cross the bridge and smash it all. The further I go forward the further in to the distance it retreats I have run, and I have crept and still the pattern repeats. I try as I might I try as I may but pain is the same by night and by day. I must keep going I cannot give in, to reach the chink of light even if my chances are thin. I can’t go round it I cannot pass through there seems no way over. Help me, what am I to do?

The Dropped Stitch

knitting redhead

I am the dropped stitch

Here I am the the odd one out , sitting here lost and lonely my mouth in a pout. I am the stitch that  from the needle fell, and flew off on my way down to hell.

Count the stitches one by one be careful now else you’ll count them all wrong.

Click click go the needles of strife knitting soft silk or wool making up the pattern of life.

Knit one pearl one carry one over will this be a cardigan or a pullover? You cannot  hold on to the cable when it is full of slip stitch , I am telling you now,  you’ll not be able.

I am the stitch that life has dropped. Hopes and plans have all been stopped. It is futile to be angry the balloon has been popped.

I am the dropped stitch slipped from the needle fell through the hole lost my grip. Forgotten and forsaken a little lost soul.

2000scan

The little lost soul

Tip Toe through the Stars

tipptoe

Tiptoe through the Stars

Tiptoe through the stars lets see where we can reach, along an ill lit cliffs’ edge path down to a sandy beach. Close your eyes and hold your breath , take that leap of faith there could be something good out there, surely it’s not all spooks and wraiths.

Look into the mirror look long and look hard the face you see is not that bad, not all of you is marred.The eyes are bright  the smiles polite, those teeth might just pass muster so not so sad go on relax and drop the  blow and bluster.

Tiptoe through the stars lets flee the dowdy and the  grey. Lets spread those imaginary wings and escape if only for a day. See clearly with those deep blue eyes and we can prance and dance where the Kite soars and flies.

Throw off the cloak of deep despair it’s really not your suit, forget the pressures and the stress  lets take the happy route. I think what I mean to say, is, forgive yourself and praise yourself a little, and often believe that you are right and then your self-hate may begin to soften.

So tiptoe through the stars with me and lets forget the what is now, and play with what might be!

girl happy

See what we can be

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