If Only ……….For Debbie.

If only I could just remember what it was I meant to say

You would be completely bowled over and I’d make your blooming day!

If only I could find that thing that was so very, very you.

I know I put it somewhere safe, I know I did it’s true.

If only I knew why I started writing this?? What it is that we celebrate??

And should I give you a kiss??

If only there is one thing I remember and it is very true.

As long as there remains a “We” I will be a friend to you!

Lace like and spider spun

My life, lace like and spider spun. The threads that held me still,

To unravel have begun.

The web I live in is but a tissue of lies.

Threads tighten and knot my heart lies bleeding, all my dreams forgot.

This life I dwell in is an intricate pattern of tears and lies.

Where pain is legion and grief all logic just denies.

Just why do I stay and face the world with smiling lips but dead, dead eyes?

Tears that fall in secret hidden from clear blue skies.

Not letting the world see them for fear of their mocking.

It is so easy for you to all to say, untie yourself from this web of lies

Unpick the knots and walk away. To take command of your life. Is that so shocking?

ravel un

My life to unravel has began.

To stop my fall.

to catch me

To stop my fall

I woke again this morning, pain in my body warning me not to move.

The night was endless with not much sleep, after a couple of thousand

You wear of counting sheep. No matter how cute they may be.

The pain is gnawing at my back, my brain is thumping with lack of rest.

I start to move and I am cut short by the well known pain that eats my hip

Lay still says my brain, you know it is for the best.

I can’t give in, I can’t stay here but that first move is the one I fear.

It hurts so much I anticipate it, that makes it hard to rise I grit my teeth and close my eyes.

I ask for help from Him, on whom we all rely, it is not fair my mind rants and raves where is the painless movement my body craves?

Why me, this not fair I work so hard at getting there. I walk each day and visit the gym.

Just then is that a whisper, is it Him?

Another log roll, damn that pain I may as well be dead.

Again I hear that voice. “Just stay a moment and think on what you have just said.

Do you feel hard done by, because of all your pain. It may be hard to understand but pain keeps you alive.

Think on because you have friends who have not survived.

Are you out alone and homeless on the street, no creature comforts for you there and

Not a bite to eat save what you have scavenged from a rubbish bin.

There are those who have no hope no future and yet they do not give in.

Try some more, reach for the door of hope, I know it is hard but to waste your life is just a sin.”

So there it is, try to live for the here and now, if I can just get through this second then I can make it through the next.

Reach for the light however many times you fall if you open your mind you will feel Him stop your fall.

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Oh ! Me Oh! My

Oh me, oh my, life stinks but I don’t know why.

It’s dull, tired and really sad but I pretend alls not so bad.

Now I have so much enforced leisure, my job was hard but I had its measure.

Friends and acquaintances I had many, now my absence has whittled them down

to hardly any.

The ones that stayed are the ones to treasure but the loss of others

Has cut me deep. It hurt me so, at first I used to weep.

It makes me feel my time was wasted on those who used me, always to their side I hasted.

To help them and support them I was willing they soon forgot and yes, the pain is killing.

Be bright and cheerful that’s the ticket, despair is like a scab it will not heal if you pick it.

So why do I sit and wonder where  my life has gone?

Snap out of it, like you’re told get out there put on the slap and be strong.

That is easy to say and easy to pretend but it does not change, that what you’ve broke will never mend.

Don’t get me wrong I am strong; I make the effort every day and all day long

I do my part to cover up my fears I hide my feelings and my tears.

This does not help in fact it hinders. No one wants to know the depths of despair.

They say they will help but when you’re miserable they don’t want to know.

They just don’t care

Life

Good times, bad times, happy and sad times it all adds up to life.

You cannot escape the toil and strife that is the grounding of  human life.

Rain is wet, snow is cold. Sun shines hot, life touches us as we grow old.

The door swings open the door swings closed. The unknown awaits us through which ever portal chose.

We raise our glasses and drink our toasts, we face our future with whatever that boasts.

Don’t look up and don’t look down keep on swimming or else you will drown.

We all start out the very same, we arrive with nothing and our first gift is a name.

You have to learn, and fast, to realize what is coming and what has past.

Nothing is easy not lain on a plate, you will pay dear if you loose or learn too late.

As we start out our brains are as an empty book full of pages waiting for instruction.

It all seems so easy, a flowing in of data with mothers love as our first induction.

As life flies by we fill each of the pages and soon we reach and pass all of it’s stages.

We love, we fight, we learn delight in another’s touch. Things get harder and often it’s too much.

Then we notice life is slowing down, work and money relinquish their crown.

The lucky few see beyond the grind and see that the face of life can be kind.

The earlier you can reach this place the sooner you will see Gods face .

Jesus and the child

Long Life? not for me.

The ground lies frozen like your heart.

My loves lies bleeding your cruel words wrenched it apart.

A blood red stain spreads fed by my tears

Shed silently watering the growth of my fears.

Sharp new icicles tinged in red look so pretty

Belying their hard hearts, mean and bereft of pity.

My hand is frozen like your heart. My fingers

Are lifeless like the dark barren trees.

Your ears are deaf to all of my pleas.

My eyes are red ringed and watery blue,

Hiding the untold story of my love wasted on you.

Not one more minute can I bare.

This place is too crowded,

Why do they all stare?

My coffee is frozen like your heart; a skin forms so my spoon,

like pain rips it apart.

No more can I wait, I tremble and shake I look for answer,

which road should I take?

I leave the table and go out through the door.

Leaving droplets of my life’s blood in a trail on the floor.

The ground is frozen there has been fresh snow.

Blindly I stumble weaving to and throw. The pain is throbbing inside my head relentlessly repeating the words that you said.

I can’t go on, I can’t stand still, and the echo of your words is making me ill.

My eyes are frozen like the ground; my life’s blood is spreading all around.

I have no more room for pain in my heart. The knife that I hold will be my new start.

despair

My heart beats no more

My heart is frozen it beats no more. It’s suddenly quiet and I feel  still and sure.

No longer frightened no longer cold, at least I know I’ll never grow old.

Time thief

Time is now, there is neither past nor future.

We stand here in the moment. We can’t go back and rewrite what has gone before.

There is no way that we can influence what is to come. “What” I hear you say. “We can plan, we can organize.”

You are fooling yourselves you may be able to influence some things but not the important.

Take your chance now. “Do not put off to tomorrow that which can be done today.”

A truer statement has not been made. Don’t let the future rob you of the now.

Do not let the past wrap you up in remorse, regret or even yearning.

It is gone and never will return, if you are lucky it may have taught you something.

The future is a thief, beware it does not steal your chance to do things. It robs by slight and stealth. Tomorrow I will meet you, tomorrow I will come, I won’t forget to ring you but yet tomorrow never comes.

I wish I had, if only, if only once again it’s gone and past and all that lasts is eternal pain.

The lessens are there for learning and once we really look the lines are clear the pages open so take a close, close look.

Hail Philosopher of the Colours

Hail Philosopher of the colours. A rainbow man no doubt, afresh the canvas waits for you to shade in light and dark.
The old and tired grays and purples of things best forgot will lurk in corners and await their chance to burst forth.
If not imprisoned properly they will seep out and discolour the brightest vista and most happy moment, they show no remorse.
Just try harder as I do to block their poisonous course. The fresh and open page, the as yet perfect pallet will not stay that way for long.
In fact if you look closely you will see the corruption has begun.
Perhaps it never stopped? You can see all shades and colours hinted there, all darks and lights are slowly seeping through.In grief we turn and realize we can’t escape the old year’s ties. Run, run as fast your brain can carry, you will not win but do not tarry.
Keep up the show and laugh and joke. For in reality your horrors surround you like smoke. Don’t slow, don’t appeal for help if you don’t flee you will choke.
Your path is set, your time is measured you cannot change the course. No helping hand is really there just hear the fortunes sing despair.
There is no change at stroke of midnight, there is no new, for time and date are man-made as is the human curse.
Just a long, long road we have to travel until we reach the end. Don’t waste effort on what has been or what has yet to come.
Grab each joy and use it to extreme. There is no future nor is there past they are gone or not yet here. The now is what you command; the only way to survive is live each moment make a stand.

Spread light and warmth, pass truth and love around.
As for good things use them now don’t let them slip away for dark is waiting in the wings. Remember, waiting to spill onto your unsuspecting page.

——————————————————————————————————-

Night Horrors

  

When sleep deserts you reason is not far behind.

Panic moves in and is far from kind.

With sanity fleeing, taking sense in its path

It feels like a car crash, a bad aftermath!

 Darkness creeps and confusion reins

You can smell the fear like dirty drains.

Open a window and breathe in the night

Calm yourself now there is no need for flight.

 Look up to the stars they are laughing at you

They’ve seen night horrors before in fact nothing is new.

The moon and the stars burn with ancient light

Oblivious of you with no care for your plight.

 The night is an abandoned tunnel damp and dark.

nightmare

Image © Nela Dunato http://inobscuro.com/

 Shadowy and cold echoing to the sound of a vicious dog’s bark.

The climb is steep and narrow there is no rest

You slip and stumble blindly hoping for the best.

 Where is the comfort where is the light

when will there be an end to this endless night.

THIS IS MY SPACE

     

This is my space, don’t intrude. It’s all that I have left, my safe place so don’t be rude.

It is dark out there and it is a hurtful place. Don’t come near or I shall scratch your face.

This is all that I have to call my own. Out there it’s hurt and fear and there is no way home.

The noise out there is endless and the bullying never stops.

The insults hurt they stick like dirt and they won’t wash off with the raindrops.

The ties that bind infect my mind, self blame becomes my crown I am lost and so confused not knowing up from down.

I will not move I am protected here. I am warm, tired and full of fear

Self loathing gnaws at my very being. Something watches me, something all seeing.

The voices full of reproach and disdain claw at my bones and all is pain.

I want to move, I need to hide I have nothing left. No will, no pride.

I wish that I was tiny, too small to see. I could hide and recover and maybe I could be free.

I am tired of blame and threats. I am lost and in need of a mother. Mine is long gone sadly, you only get one, no chance of another.

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