I have a guilty secret I have written about it here I think it is called Dermatillomania .
The more I try to stop the habit the more it seems to plague me.
I scratch my back and my shoulders until they bleed
The more I scar myself the more I have to hide so no one will see.
I just do not know why I have to do this, what ever is the need.
I am going on holiday soon I shall be in the sun
But I shall have to cover up to hide what I have done.
My husband does not like this, he does not understand
Why I make such a mess of myself, my back, my arms and now the fingers of my hand.
Why do I do this, why can’t I handle life
Sometimes it looks like I have attacked myself with a knife.
The more I tell myself to stop the more I seem to do it
My husband tells me I must stop, as if there is nothing to it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am not as bad as the picture but I do now have many scars. Unfortunately I have several new scabs on my back and shoulders. I really do not understand why I do this I am not a teenager or even a young person. I feel so ashamed that I do this when I am a mature woman with children and grandchildren.
Female, wife, full time mother and Grandmother. I am not as happy go lucky as I used to be but I am still bubbling along on simmer! I have three handsome sons all grown and flown.The youngest married with a beautiful wife and two sons of his own. Back in 2010 I was working, running a home, driving and socializing then bang in a split second all that was gone. I had an accident at home. I broke my back, not for the first time, I had broken it 10 years previously as well. Unfortunately this time I had broken it really badly and it was truly messed up so I had to have two operations. I was told before each operation that the outcome could mean I spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. Still as some guy once wrote "I am still standing " yes "better than I ever was " I no longer use the walking stick . I had lots of friends before the accident but when things like this happen, you loose most of them. Their lives move on and mine stood still and so they left me behind ...I know that is just the way life is but it hurt and always will. Then I looked around and saw those who were still there for me, these friends are the roses in my garden they need to be tended well. They are the diamonds in the dust. I will of been married 53yrs this comming year. I have found different ways to approach life, use my pain befriend it almost...yer right , well that is what they tell me at the pain clinic ROFLMAO ...... if only I could! I have found an outlet for my fears, frustrations and night terrors . I have started writing poetry if that name can be applied to my writing. I hope I do not come over as a moaning winger. I hope I am past all that. I also hope that you might see how the poetry is moving from very dark through the grey and hopefully in to light.
My back is no longer straight it is C shaped because of the injury and I have lost two and a half inches in height but my Pilates and Core teachers have helped me to stand up as straight and be as strong as possible. Pain and depression are still hanging on my arm but I have weapons to use against them and if I say so myself I cope well.
I have made lots of new friends, real diamonds. I am also very grateful for all the support and help I have encountered here on Wordpress. Hugs and welcome to everyone who visits.
View all posts by willowdot21
Whew, it takes a lot of strength and desire to change to post this. You say you “think”it is Dermatillomania. Have you had it checked out? There are a lot of chemical reasons why you could be doing that. I have a similar problem with my arms, but it is a result of a phosphate imbalance caused by dialysis. Sometimes we get everything balanced and it goes away, other times it is very prevalant. They are scheduling a prarthyroid operation to further control the phospahte issue. “The major function of the parathyroid glands is to maintain the body’s calcium and phosphate levels within a very narrow range, so that the nervous and muscular systems can function properly. The parathyroid glands do this by secreting parathyroid hormone.[7]:” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parathyroid_gland And then, speaking of a high phosphate level : “When the crystals build up in the skin, they can cause severe itching.” http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Phosphorus+Imbalance
So, it may not be a psychological issue but rather a physiological issue. Either way wouldn’t it be better to know? And again either way, a hug is in order. **Hug**
Thank you Paul, you are so thoughtful. I shall be seeing my GP about this and I shall check out all the information you have presented for me to chew on! As for the hug. Thank you so much it is just what I needed! xx
Don’t beat yourself up, Willow. I suspect most of us have some embarrassing habit that we think we should have left well behind in our youth but haven’t, or it reappears to defeat us. Posting about it may help or may not but be assured you are not alone. I chew the skin around my nails, leaving red welts at times – not nice. There are times when I have an overwhelming urge to pick my nose and fight it oh so hard. And one that embarrassed me for years -still does a bit – but I just accept it now – there is no way I can pee standing next to anyone in a urinal. The urge dries up totally, whether it’s a compete stranger or not. So sheepishly I queue for a cubicle. My son knows, maybe other friends guess but now I just get on with it. It can bug me and I know it is psychological but can I do anything about it? Nope. Nothing like as challenging as yours I expect, but the more public the problem the greater the embarrassment. Not sure if this little confessional helps or just makes you think ‘eeew, gross’. My point is, you’re not alone and well done for trying to fight it.
The words eeew and gross are as far from my lips is a decent glass of wine right now. I am truly grateful for your huge heartedness in sharing with me. I do understand that I am not alone and that we all have strange and secret habits and foibles just right now it is not making me feel any better. What is helping though is that you and Paul earlier were ready to reach out and touch me … guilty habits ( on my part or not) Thank you .xxx
I didn’t know you were going through so much 😥 I wish I had the right words to help heal your pain. Even though we are far in distance you are close in heart.
I think talking about any struggle you are having even if it doesn’t help to stop it, it does help ease some of the burden of it from your heart. xoxoxox
Yes it does it lightens the burden but I hope I am not burdening others by unburdening myself if you get my drift. xx
I do, and I don’t think you are.
Thank you!
Cyber-hug to you Willow! It’s not that I am sympathising with you, you are a strong woman and you know when to end what business! Keep safe and have. A great weekend 🙂
You aren’t alone in that. In light of your courage I’m going to say that I’m pretty sure that I have some sort of personality disorder. Probably paranoid, borderline or obsessive compulsive from my symptoms. I’m going to a psychiatrist after everything I’ve learned over the past two years. My mother is an untreated full blown psychopath with no sense of humor or empathy and I have seen what not being treated does to someone. I care about other people’s feelings so I know I’m not a psycho/sociopath. I don’t enjoy being the center of attention so I know I’m not a narcissistic. My dad beat me up my whole life so everything fits to some sort of personality disorder. Point is, I pick holes in my arms…. This world is so difficult. Hugs, Willow. I just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone. ♡♡♡
Thank you Lisa for being so honest. I think on reflection we all have hang ups. guilty secrets problems what ever we want to call them . The important thing is we recognise this fact and we are ready to face up to these problems and kick them in the arse. I also can tell that you are not psycho/sociopathic you have shown me that in many ways by caring also you are not narcissistic you are too good and open with your feelings.
We have made step one we have admitted that we have problems…. now we can sort them! Thank you for reaching out We are Not alone!! xxxxxxxxxxx
I think we all go through periods in our life when we do things because of the pain or emotions we are going through. Some scars show and other scars are internalized. Feel better soon Willow!
Writing such a personal struggle makes you very brave.
Thank you I just do not feel brave.
♡ 😦 One day you will, that is my hope.
Thank you so much. ❤
Don’t worry too much it could be caused with stress, this holiday that you are taking will do you the world of good, hopefully your habit will diminish, and even better, go away…
Thank you my very good friend it is all to do with strain. I have suffered or endured this habit since a child in varying degrees. I am very grateful that you have taken the time to send me this words. I do hope you are well and happy. xxx
willowdot21 
hugs to you –
an embarrassed thank you!
Whew, it takes a lot of strength and desire to change to post this. You say you “think”it is Dermatillomania. Have you had it checked out? There are a lot of chemical reasons why you could be doing that. I have a similar problem with my arms, but it is a result of a phosphate imbalance caused by dialysis. Sometimes we get everything balanced and it goes away, other times it is very prevalant. They are scheduling a prarthyroid operation to further control the phospahte issue. “The major function of the parathyroid glands is to maintain the body’s calcium and phosphate levels within a very narrow range, so that the nervous and muscular systems can function properly. The parathyroid glands do this by secreting parathyroid hormone.[7]:” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parathyroid_gland And then, speaking of a high phosphate level : “When the crystals build up in the skin, they can cause severe itching.” http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Phosphorus+Imbalance
So, it may not be a psychological issue but rather a physiological issue. Either way wouldn’t it be better to know? And again either way, a hug is in order. **Hug**
Thank you Paul, you are so thoughtful. I shall be seeing my GP about this and I shall check out all the information you have presented for me to chew on! As for the hug. Thank you so much it is just what I needed! xx
Don’t beat yourself up, Willow. I suspect most of us have some embarrassing habit that we think we should have left well behind in our youth but haven’t, or it reappears to defeat us. Posting about it may help or may not but be assured you are not alone. I chew the skin around my nails, leaving red welts at times – not nice. There are times when I have an overwhelming urge to pick my nose and fight it oh so hard. And one that embarrassed me for years -still does a bit – but I just accept it now – there is no way I can pee standing next to anyone in a urinal. The urge dries up totally, whether it’s a compete stranger or not. So sheepishly I queue for a cubicle. My son knows, maybe other friends guess but now I just get on with it. It can bug me and I know it is psychological but can I do anything about it? Nope. Nothing like as challenging as yours I expect, but the more public the problem the greater the embarrassment. Not sure if this little confessional helps or just makes you think ‘eeew, gross’. My point is, you’re not alone and well done for trying to fight it.
The words eeew and gross are as far from my lips is a decent glass of wine right now. I am truly grateful for your huge heartedness in sharing with me. I do understand that I am not alone and that we all have strange and secret habits and foibles just right now it is not making me feel any better. What is helping though is that you and Paul earlier were ready to reach out and touch me … guilty habits ( on my part or not) Thank you .xxx
I didn’t know you were going through so much 😥 I wish I had the right words to help heal your pain. Even though we are far in distance you are close in heart.
Thank you I am encouraged and deeply touched by your kind words.xxx
I think talking about any struggle you are having even if it doesn’t help to stop it, it does help ease some of the burden of it from your heart. xoxoxox
Yes it does it lightens the burden but I hope I am not burdening others by unburdening myself if you get my drift. xx
I do, and I don’t think you are.
Thank you!
Cyber-hug to you Willow! It’s not that I am sympathising with you, you are a strong woman and you know when to end what business! Keep safe and have. A great weekend 🙂
-Naima
Thank you so much for your kind and sensible words.
You’re welcome, Willow 🙂
-Naima
🙂
You aren’t alone in that. In light of your courage I’m going to say that I’m pretty sure that I have some sort of personality disorder. Probably paranoid, borderline or obsessive compulsive from my symptoms. I’m going to a psychiatrist after everything I’ve learned over the past two years. My mother is an untreated full blown psychopath with no sense of humor or empathy and I have seen what not being treated does to someone. I care about other people’s feelings so I know I’m not a psycho/sociopath. I don’t enjoy being the center of attention so I know I’m not a narcissistic. My dad beat me up my whole life so everything fits to some sort of personality disorder. Point is, I pick holes in my arms…. This world is so difficult. Hugs, Willow. I just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone. ♡♡♡
Thank you Lisa for being so honest. I think on reflection we all have hang ups. guilty secrets problems what ever we want to call them . The important thing is we recognise this fact and we are ready to face up to these problems and kick them in the arse. I also can tell that you are not psycho/sociopathic you have shown me that in many ways by caring also you are not narcissistic you are too good and open with your feelings.
We have made step one we have admitted that we have problems…. now we can sort them! Thank you for reaching out We are Not alone!! xxxxxxxxxxx
Thank you, Willow. ♡
❤
I think we all go through periods in our life when we do things because of the pain or emotions we are going through. Some scars show and other scars are internalized. Feel better soon Willow!
Thank you so much Bernice you are of course very correct! xxx
You just happen to be more open about your pain. 🙂 I hope you feel better soon! 🙂
I find I need to let it out somewhere, thanks for listening!
Yes, talking or blogging can be healing.
Yes both have saved my life more than once!
*hugs* Willow. I’m so sorry you are going through so much. I hope you can find peace and understanding. ❤️
Thank you Helen I appreciate your thoughts. xxx
I envy your bravery, Willow. If I could, I would wish your pain away. Love you. xoxo
I don’t feel very brave, but thank you for caring I really appreciate it!
Writing such a personal struggle makes you very brave.
Thank you I just do not feel brave.
♡ 😦 One day you will, that is my hope.
Thank you so much. ❤
Don’t worry too much it could be caused with stress, this holiday that you are taking will do you the world of good, hopefully your habit will diminish, and even better, go away…
Have a lovely Monday Willowdot 🙂
Andro xxxx
Thank you my very good friend it is all to do with strain. I have suffered or endured this habit since a child in varying degrees. I am very grateful that you have taken the time to send me this words. I do hope you are well and happy. xxx
I am fine my sweet friend,
and will be back posting at
my Space soon 🙂
Enjoy your Friday and weekend 🙂
Andro xxx
I am so good to find you are well and I look forward so much to you posting again! Have a great weekend! 😀
If I were there, I would kiss every wound you’ve made. ❤
Thank you that is so kind and it means a lot. Xx