A Little Tenderness: part 3

In and out of sleep , it is very confusing. There is no rest really  the pain does not let up  and it is only  when the drugs  are administered  that I drift off properly. Gwen is as ever calling for Audrey , the lady  next too me is dosing  and I feel so odd. My husband has  put some books on my Ipod  the only  trouble is  that I drift off mid story  and it is  so hard to rewind.

6am lights on and breakfast, it is easier  to have toast I can eat that lying down, though I would like some porridge  but there is no one to help me …. so toast it is.  The lady next  to me tells  me how nice the porridge is… yes I bet it is.   Time  for blood pressure and temperature , ” have you passed a motion willow?”  “No  not yet” I reply. “we can give you some medicine  for that ” the nurse says ………….. they can give medicine for everything but can they make  me walk. I drift off again.

8.30am ” Hello willow time to wash  dress you and change your bed”. I just smile I hate this , I understand it has to be done  and they do it well  but they talk over me about  their lives, have they have mistaken me for one of the old ladies in here  that cannot or will not comunicate . Shall I interupt their chatter or shall I…… there you go all clean and comfy now.  They walk away and I am alone again  time for Imogen I think !

My head is so messed up where the hell am I … oh! God I can’t  move , help, help!

“Hello Willow I am just doing your blood pressure , it is high are you okay? ”  I look at the nurse  and I try  to say I am scared I keep having bad dreams and I feel so trapped in this body brace. What I do say is “I am okay  just having strange  dreams, do you know when  my operation will be ?” No  she shakes her head.

She doesn’t  know , I watch her walk off and I am slipping off again, Imogen is singing in my head

10.am  The  lady  comes round with the hot  drink, I have coffee in  a beaker  with a straw , it tastes funny but it the only way to get a drink.

…………. “hi ” It is a doctor  now, ” what are you listening to?” I am about to tell him  but he is asking me more questions , it is so hard to concentrate but I do my best.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

12midday dinner arrives, Oh! I am in luck today  the young girl  is  here to help me. She is African  and so pretty she has a pretty nature too. She smiles and talks to me as she feeds  me , she listens to me , she really  does. I ask  her is she going to be a nurse , no  she  is going to be a pharmasist , shame she would  be a great nurse.

1pm  the cleaner is here  she is nice always smiling  but  she does not speak a word of English. She has  the most lovely eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hello Willow  how was your morning ” it is  my husband  he is here  to help  me through the afternoon, trouble is  I keep slipping in and out of sleep. Why will they not operate  I will feel safer, stronger, better  after they have. My husband talks  and I listen, he tells me how cold it is , how bad  the snow is. I want to be awake  but I just keep slipping away.

3pm the tea lady again  she gives  me a beaker with a straw of coffee and my husband  a cup of tea for  my husband. The lady in the  next bed  had has two biscuits.

6pm dinner arrives, my husband helps  me, he is getting good at  this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He stays  till about 7.30pm I urge  him to go home and rest.

I ring for a bedpan  the nurse says ” surely  you have a catheter”   “yes” I said ” I do not need to pee”. It is  almost impossible  to use a bed pan when you are  laying  flat. This nurse  leaves  me on the bedpan  for over 20mins  then longer after I have rung  for her to help me.  I ask her  have I been , no she says walking away. ………. Why can’t I tell if I have been, why can’t I go, why can’t I feel . My stomach  really hurts, so does  my back hurt so much, I start to cry  then  the cloak of sleep surounds  me again.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

11.30pm  I hear  the nurses starting  the drugs round  the night shift  must be here , they are so noisy, blood pressure, temperature , pluse, tablets. Straighten the bed. Lights out ..not bad  tonight it is middnignt. Let me get these headphones  back in  shut  the ward out. …………………………

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10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Let's CUT the Crap!
    Mar 12, 2014 @ 02:27:30

    Not right you weren’t the receiver of any tenderness.

    Reply

  2. penpusherpen
    Mar 12, 2014 @ 10:07:40

    Sweet Willow, I think every Doctor, Nurse …in fact all concerned in the ‘care’ of those who are helpless and lost, wondering what’s happening to them…. should be placed in your position, and ‘feel’ how much compassion counts in this world of suffering. Hospitals are after all, supposedly there to help, heal and not hinder the process of getting well. Hugs aplenty ….soft and warm ones. always. xPenx

    Reply

    • willowdot21
      Mar 12, 2014 @ 10:25:53

      I do agree Pen, they do need to realize how it feels when you are in pain, feeling scared , trapped in a body brace and the drugs are addling your mind! Hugs back at you!! xxxxxxx

      Reply

  3. paulaacton
    Mar 12, 2014 @ 10:39:21

    Oh my god, memories of trying to lift up to use the bed pan (I know in your case worse because you couldn’t move your back) I remember it hurting less to roll out of the bed and shift to the komode while of course clinging onto the drip and manovering the drain cannister than getting on that bedpan.

    Reply

    • willowdot21
      Mar 12, 2014 @ 11:57:37

      Hi Paula yes it was so difficult and they used to leave me on it so long. I had no feeling so no way of knowing if anything had happened. Sorry to remind you of bad times thank goodness we’ve moved on. Smiles ;) xx

      Reply

  4. bearspawprint
    Mar 13, 2014 @ 04:07:48

    XXX

    Reply

  5. Lisa
    Oct 09, 2014 @ 22:17:38

    OMG! I lived this nightmare. It’s so fresh I can hardly breathe. Just know that I was 38 and treated the same exact way. I could of written this and now I have to go to another of your books because my ears are ringing! ♡♡♡

    Reply

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